Tired and Crazy

This week has been absolutely crazy. Our office is in the process of merging with another lawyer, plus my regular work has exploded. Okay, not literally, but I have a *huge* pile of files on my desk, plus all the ones that are sitting in a row on my shelf waiting for me to get to. I have about 3 or 4 closings on June 1, not to mention the closings I have on May 30 and the ones I just had this week. Yup, it's getting to be summer time, and I hear it's only going to get busier for me.

This makes me feel really bad about all the non-work areas of my life. They are becoming sorely neglected, and I've been so tired this week. I'm not sure I've had one really good night's sleep all week -- and I do not function well at all on little sleep. I've always need a huge amount of sleep and have never understood people with insomnia. I could easily do with getting 9 or 10 hours of sleep a night. Less than 8 and I turn into a monster.

Of course, part of my tiredness is my own fault. Like last night, we (my husband, a couple of friends, and I) were developing RPG characters. I kept saying that I was going to pack it in and go to bed, and then I would be right back at it picking out a skill or figuring out some other stat. It'll be fun if we ever get around to playing. Even making up the characters was fun. We are going to be a party of 2 half giants (one is a barbarian and the other is a ranger) and a dwarf (fighter). My character is the dwarf and the guys were making fun of tossing her back and forth. She's also going to be kind of grumpy, so I'm really looking forward to it. I've never played a grumpy character. I've always been lawful good (that is my personality in real life), and she is going to be chaotic good. It's a real stretch for me, but I'm up for the challenge. I wanted to be a dwarf because I'm going to have a braided beard. We'll see what she really ends up like once we start playing.

Anyway, I should go try to get a good sleep tonight so I'll stop here. (Since I have a tendency to say that I'm going to go to bed early, and then end up staying up late for one reason or another. I really am a night person.) And the kids have been getting up in the middle of the night all week for some reason.

So, good night.

May Long Weekend

I was reminded yesterday how I've abandoned my poor blog. I've been so busy and haven't taken much relaxing time to be at the computer.

This has been a good weekend. It started with a BBQ on Friday night. Our kids had a blast playing with all the other kids there. And Saturday was rainy, but we tried to go to some garage sales anyway (didn't actually find anything worthwhile), went for my massage, checked out some pawn shops (almost as good as garage sale-ing on a rainy day), met a lady and gave her a meal before we headed back home. Overall, Saturday was fun and relaxing. Then Sunday and Monday was yard work, yard work, yard work. A friend of ours came over and tilled up our garden, the grass was mowed for the first time this year, and Bruce fixed some sprinkler heads (we didn't blow out our sprinklers until October. . . oops). A highlight was having friends over for waffles Sunday night for supper. Our kids talked about it all day today, and I had a great time, too. There's nothing quite like food and fellowship on a Sunday night.

But now it's the end of my long weekend, and back to work tomorrow. I have to say, all-in-all it's been a great weekend.

Mother's Day

I had a great Mother's Day. It was relaxing (mostly) and I got the most wonderful presents. For Christmas I had been going on and on about wanting a paper shredder (I have old bills from the early 90s in my house, still). I didn't get one at Christmas and pretty much forgot about it since then. With my birthday in December, I usually only think about getting presents one time a year, so. . .

When I opened my gift I was quite surprised to see a paper shredder. I'm so excited, but haven't used it yet. Just wait until I get to shred all that paper! Woo Hoo!

I also got Brian Doerksen's album Today. When I went to Breakforth in January, I realized that I really love the songs that he writes. And he had introduced this song and I loved it right from the beginning. I've felt for years that my motto is "As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord." That song is so appropriate. So now my CD is in the van and the songs run over and over again in my head. I don't have any other current Praise and Worship CD's, so I'm really enjoying this one.

I have a wonderful husband (and kids).

To Be or Not To Be (A Blessing, That Is)

I have been mulling over the idea that God is looking more for people who will be a blessing more than looking for those who want God's blessing.

God desires to give us good things. He doesn't sit up in Heaven and reluctantly say, "Oh, no! That child of mine wants a blessing. Well, I suppose I should give him one." God is a perfect parent and wants to give us so much. What parent wants to deprive their children of the things they want? Sometimes we don't capitulate to the demands of our children, but that's because sometimes what they want isn't good for them in the long run. If we let our kids eat chocolate, candies, pop and chips all day long every day, they would be sick. So we limit how much they have. And sometimes we may even encourage the healthy good things like strawberries with cream and a little bit of sugar. Sometimes the things we want are just the junk food of our spiritual lives. It's what tastes good but has no nutritional value.

So how do we incorporate into our diet the things that will make us grow? Invest into the eternal, not the temporal. People last forever. Programs will come and go. If the program doesn't make a difference in people's lives, then maybe the program needs to go. I know this isn't a new thought. But our society is so busy that we become slaves to the programs. And that's when we run the danger of asking God for blessings so that we can keep our programs running - failing to see that the program is not really being a blessing to anyone.

So how do we be a blessing instead of just asking for them? That's tough. Especially when we live in a society that desires comfort above all things. Everything we are told says that we need this or that, or need to do this or that so that life for us will be comfortable. And as Christians we've bought into it. If we aren't comfortable, we're wondering if God is mad at us. Did we ever stop to think that maybe it's when we are uncomfortable that we are being the blessing and God is pleased? Not that we need to go out and buy a bed of nails or anything like that. It's not about punishing ourselves. But it is about thinking beyond ourselves and actually caring about others even more than we care about ourselves. If it could be boiled down to one word, I think it would be "love." Love God. Love your neighbour. Love yourself. And not the lusty imitation that is used to sell every product under the sun. Real love. The kind that values. The kind that is selfless. The kind that reaches beyond us to be a blessing to others. Then our paradigm will shift. We may even find that the blessings we were asking for were nothing but junk food, and we will be able to see all the goodness God has in store for us.

Do Not Give Up the Habit of Meeting Together

I have a personal testimony about attending church.

When I was a little girl and my mom was dating my dad (not my birth father), his sister told me how wonderful it was to go to church - so I wanted to go, too. My soon-to-be dad would pick me up and take me to church. I loved God then the way that a child loves.

After my mom and dad married, I had to go to church. My parents didn't regularly attend (in fact my mom didn't want to have anything to do with church), and by the time I was a teen, I hated it. At about age 13, I told my parents I didn't want to go and they couldn't make me.

God didn't let me go, and there was Christian influence in my life still. I eventually turned to God and entrusted my whole life to him, and I loved going to church because that’s where my friends were.

When I got pregnant (when I wasn't married) I found that a lot of the people in the church were hurtful. I was so hurt that I stopped going after I had my son and placed him for adoption. There were about 2 years where I didn't even think of setting foot in a church - until God started poking and prodding at my heart about the fact that I needed to start going to church again. To be honest, I thought, "God, why would I want to go to a building full of a bunch of hypocritical, back-stabbing, gossiping people who care more about their image than about you?" But he kept insisting, so I went.

At first I was reluctant and didn't really get involved. But I have since found that the reason why he insisted that I go is because I have received love and support in my church in a way that I never would have if I didn't belong to a body of believers. There are genuine people, with real hurts and problems (just like me) who are relational, and we rely on one another. Going to church keeps me accountable in my relationship with God and is a place where I can grow.

Our society today tends toward isolation and individualism, but we weren't created to be that way. And I think that's why God desires that we not give up meeting together.

This is Shaeleigh and our friend's dog, Blue. At first our kids were afraid of her, but after a while Shaeleigh was quite brave and the two of them were having fun playing keep-away. 

Nothing New Under the Sun

There have been many times when I've thought of writing a book. Not the same book. When I was a kid I thought of writing steamy romance novels, and then as I got older I thought about writing teen series books. I've dreamt of writing great words of wisdom so that others could learn to draw closer to God. So my range of what I would write has varied from fluff to deep thinking. But the other day I realized that while I've started writing, I never finish because when I have an idea I think, "Somebody's probably already written about that." And I'm worried that if I wrote something, somebody somewhere would think that what I wrote was plagiarism. And then I was reminded of the words of Solomon -- There is nothing new under the sun. After so many years of other authors writing, what could I possibly say that hasn't already been said?

Maybe I just get more cynical as I get older.

Feelings and the Wind

I should feel really grateful. But I don't. I am grateful, but I just don't feel it.

When we got our other van, I was really excited and kept talking about what a blessing it was and how much God has given us. Now we've come through a major accident, no one in our family was seriously hurt and we have a new van. I can intellectually see the blessings, but my heart isn't pouring out gratitude. I can verbally acknowledge that God is amazing and has given so much more than I even deserve.

I'm sitting here thinking, and it's funny how I'm in a job that requires extreme confidentiality, and yet I'm a really open person by nature. I'm not one to hold secrets.

I'm also looking out the window and am having a hard time believing the amount of snow that is falling and it is the end of April.

There are hurting people that I know, and I don't know how to help them. I guess, really, God does give me great joy and peace. And I've always thought of myself as being really low on compassion for others. Whenever I've taken spiritual gifts tests, Compassion usually comes out on the bottom. And yet, I see these hurting people and wish that I knew what to do or say. I also wish for these people (actually I wish for everyone) that they would have someone in their lives as special as some of the people I have. I have very dear friends that I know I can rely on and whom I love so dearly. And I know the feelings go both ways.

We are such relational people. And so often we base our relationships on how we feel. I wonder if that's why some people struggle so often with their relationship with God. When we base our relationship with God on our feelings, it can be as reliable as a piece of paper blowing in the wind. You don't know where it's going to take you and you're left stuck in one place if the wind stops. Or we get stuck against a fence and stop moving even if the wind is blowing.

So I guess if I take my own advice, then it doesn't matter how I "feel" about the blessings I see. Instead I will stand with my face to the wind, close my eyes and bask in the glory of the Lord.

This is a more recent picture of me. 

We Had an Accident

Life can change so quickly.

Last week Sunday our family was in a car accident. Actually, it was a van accident. Both vehicles were vans. Let me tell you how I saw it:

We were driving home, just a few blocks away in fact, and I was talking to my husband about my plans the next day. Our son didn't have school, so I was going to take the van to work and then go straight from work to a drama practice. Then I was going to meet with a friend of mine whom I haven't seen for a while. I had cancelled meeting with her, but was going to call her up to see if she still wanted to get together since I figured I would be able to make it after all.

While I was talking, I caught a glimpse of this van that didn't look like it was going to stop at the yield sign. I started screaming, Bruce put on the brakes, and as I watched I saw the other van slam into us. It was very loud and I could hardly believe how hard the other van hit us. I can (and did) scream for what seemed like a very long time. I think in reality, it happened very quickly.

Once the vans were stopped, my main concern was for our kids in the back. I saw in the other van that the air bag had gone off, and the driver looked dazed. But I got out of my side and opened my daughter's door. She was dazed and then she started screaming, too. I kept saying over and over, "It's all right. It's all right," but it was a really fast, kind of panicked tone, and I could tell that she wasn't going to think it was all right from the way I was talking.

Then there was someone telling me to come into their house and sit down. At that point I think I would have done anything that anyone told me to. I just wasn't able to make a decision and definitely wasn't thinking clearly. When someone asked if we wanted an ambulance, I remember saying yes because I wanted to make sure that the kids were okay.

When the ambulance came, the little bit of composure I had gained was beginning to crumble and the tears started coming very easily. I couldn't get up into the ambulance myself, so the attendants said that was okay and they got the stretcher out. Watching them try to get the stretcher at the level that I could sit on was comical. The kids and I were taken into the ambulance. As we were being lifted into the ambulance, the man who hit us was looking at me and kept saying over and over again that he was very sorry. I tried to let him know that I was going to be okay.

While the kids and I were getting checked, I could see that Bruce was a little worried, and asked one of the ambulance guys to check on him. We came out of the ambulance after that, and were standing around while the tow trucks were taking our vans away. I was really sad that they were towing our van away. I loved our van.

We called up some really good friends of ours to give us a ride home, and after they were on their way, the couple who let us use their house said they would have given us a ride home, since we were so close. I was really nervous getting into a car, especially since our kids' car seats wouldn't fit and the kids had to sit in regular seat belts. It was only four blocks, but it was a very long four blocks.

I have been a little edgy (okay, a lot edgy) since the accident, and I found out that I have whiplash. I'm waiting for life to get back to normal and kind of wish the accident was just a bad dream. We did end up getting a nice van - but that's another story, and I think this one is long enough.

Thanks to everyone who has been praying for us. I know that God has been in the middle of all this, and I'm trying to figure out why we were in the accident. It may be like Job, and we'll never know -- but I'd still like to know anyway.

Pilgrimage

I've joined a mailing list called Pilgrimage and just introduced myself. This is what I had to say:

I am a working mom (and love my job!) of two small children and am the wife of a wonderful husband (who takes care of the house very well). I have been aware of the spiritual disciplines for most of my Christian life; however, I don't practice them regularly. I don't think I've ever had a regular devotion time and the most Bible reading I ever did was when I was in Bible College. I try occassionally to fast and have tried to meditate once, I think. But most of my relationship with God has been talking to him all the time about anything and everything. I've even questioned how willing he has been to listen to me in the bathroom (that's where I get the most "free" time. :-D ). And I have a friend who laughs at me whenever we're talking about something and I say, "Ya. I've talked with God about that, and I still have an issue with him." And while I don't think that God prompts me to pick up a teabag or have the right change, I know that it's a two-way communication. Sometimes I actually feel kind of guilty and like maybe I'm not a "really spiritual" Christian because I don't devote "x" number of hours a week praying or reading my bible, or whatever. I kind of just exist and I can't imagine my life existing without God in it.

I would like to have a firmer foundation and grow with some more substance to my walk than what it's been. God has really be showing me how important it is to pray -- that needs to be my foundation. But there have been specific instances where he has shown me that it's very important for me to internalize (memorize)scripture, too. Unfortunately, I go in fits and spurts and am not really disciplined in keeping up with it.

Anyway, that's a little of me and where I'm at.

I Love My Job!

I've been at my job now for 3 months, and so I had my review. If I didn't love my job before (which I did) I sure love it now. My review wasn't all about my strengths and weaknesses (although those did come up, somewhat), but it was about practical ways to improve in areas that I think I need to improve and encouragement in that I've done a great job so far. It feels really good to know that I'm appreciated for the work I do. I really love to work (when I like what I'm doing), and I love being in a law firm.

It also helps that I think I'm finally to a point where I feel like we might be able to keep our heads above water financially. The last year and a half has been a real strain for us, and I'm just beginning to feel stability again. Although, the being appreciated and told that I'm appreciated makes me all the more excited to keep doing what I'm doing and work my hardest.

I love my job!

Passover

I have been meaning to write since last Thursday, and have finally made it here. We celebrated Passover with our care group this year. I have to say that I'm not sure how we ever did Easter without it before. I certainly can't imagine letting Easter go by without Passover any more. It gives a whole new meaning to Easter and what Christ did for us. There is no way anyone could have orchestrated all the meaning and symbolism in a celebration for hundreds (thousands) of years before the fulfullment of that event.

I wish in the Protestant churches we would see that there is so much more to communion than we seem to give it credit. Same with baptism. We relegate it to a mere representation of something else and seem to discredit the amazing spiritualness of them. When I was baptised, I know that it was more than just letting everyone know that I identified with Christ. No one had told me about the importance of baptism, I just knew that I had to be baptised. And when I came up out of the water, I could tell there was something different about my relationship with God. I even had a friend say that she thought I looked like I was glowing.

There is a part of me that knows that there is more to communion as well. But I've heard so often about how we remember that Christ told us to remember him when we take communion. But we won't go so far as to say that the bread and the wine (grape juice) becomes the blood and body of Christ in any way. And a part of me thinks that it's kind of gross to think that the elements would actually turn into flesh and blood -- but here is where I think there is something more and I'm missing the point. I want the understanding of what Jesus truly meant when he took the middle piece of matzah, which was broken, and passed it telling us to remember him, broken for us. And I want to truly know when he said the cup of sanctification was his blood poured out for us, what that means now. And I feel as though I lack understanding of how to truly prepare myself to receive communion. I believe, and I think I understand, the sacrifice that was made, that had to be made, by Jesus Christ. But how can I ever be truly prepared to take communion, even knowing that?

My Birth Son's Birthday

Today is my birth son's birthday. I can hardly believe how much time has flown by. There really is nothing like seeing a child grow up to let you know how fast the years go. In some ways it feels as though it wasn't that long ago. On the other hand, it almost feels as though it was a whole lifetime away. I can hardly believe all that has happened between then and now. And I never could have imagined that everything would have turned out the way it did.

I am so glad that I chose adoption. I am so glad that I am still a part of his life. I am so glad that God can work out so much good in situations that seem as though they could be so bad.

I know someone who is thinking of adopting, and I know someone who is thinking of placing for adoption. In talking with both of them, I have come to the understanding that I believe the reason why adoption turned out so well in my situation is because both me and the adoptive parents put God first. We both really wanted what God desired and didn't put ourselves first. I think that's the key. And it's probably the key for more than just in adoption. I just need to remember that all the time -- in the small things as well as the big things. After all, there is truth in that if we are faithful in the little things, then we will be faithful in the big things, too. Of course, sometimes when it comes to the big things, I'm scared beyond belief. It's nice to just have the little things. It's nice to know, though, that I can be trusted with the big things - even if it is scary.

I'm thinking these thoughts are a little scattered. I'm really tired, but I knew if I didn't sit down right now that I would not get around to mentioning such a momentous event (the birthday of my birth son). He is really such a blessing. Him and his whole family. God is good.

Self Analysis

I keep looking forward to the next week, thinking that it won't be as busy as the one I am in. However, it seems as though when the next week becomes my this week, I'm running around just as busy and disorganized as I have been all along.

And you would think with all this busy-ness that I would have so much to write. And I usually think I do have a lot to write, but then when I actually have a moment to sit at the computer to compose a lengthy discourse, the words simply don't come.

In general the last while I've been fighting with my desire to do my absolute best and my ability to accomplish all that I need to get done (or at least all that I think I need to get done). At work I have a review coming up, and was given some evaluation questions to answer about myself. It has really had me thinking about myself -- my strengths and weaknesses. I'm afraid that everything I think is a strength, I can also see how it's a weakness. For example, I tend to be an over-achiever/perfectionist. This can enable me to complete a task with great accuracy and detail; however, if it requires speed, that may become an issue. I also have extremely high standards for myself, which can translate into my relationships with others and I wonder why everyone doesn't expect to always give the very best they have to offer. I've already mentioned about being an organizer and a pack rat and how the two just don't seem to mix very well.

I've also realized again recently that I still have a temper and that if I don't keep it in check all the time, it can blow up in my face. I really need to watch how loud I am sometimes. Where is the balance between venting appropriately and inappropriately?

I will say, though, that I've been pleased with the way I've been dealing with my son when he's doing something that's driving me crazy. I made a decision that if I feel as though I'm losing my temper with him, I'm going to stop and give him a hug. He is such a touchy person that I know that he really loves being hugged. And he craves attention (he is a people person) so then he knows he has my attention. I think it has made a difference. He is always telling me that he loves me, but he was telling me the other day that he's really glad that I'm his mommy. That made me feel really special and like maybe I'm not doing everything wrong -- something has got to be right.

You know, I may not be diagnosed as bipolar, but some days I think my moods are just as crazy. And I really hate it when I'm in a mood like this where when I look at myself all I see are the bad things -- all the things that I would like to improve. The funny thing is, I would most often say that I think I can see myself fairly honestly, but I actually think that I tend to see myself more negatively than positively. Or maybe it just depends on the time of the month.

The Power of Words

Words that heal,
Words that steal.
Life and death
held by the tongue

Such a small part
of a large body
can kill
or bring Life.

Seek the wisdom
of thought before action,
Thinking before speaking.

Two ears to listen,
One mouth to talk.
What does that say?

Adelle Anderson

I wrote this about 6 years ago, but I didn't write the date on it.

A Heart for Children

A Heart for Children

One hundred years from now

It will not matter

What kind of car I drove,

What kind of house I lived in,

How much I had in my bank

Nor what my clothes looked like.

One hundred years from now

It will not matter

What kind of school I attended,

What kind of typewriter I used,

How large or small my church,

But the world may be

. . . a little better because . . .

I was important

in the life

of a child.

I don't know who wrote this poem. I don't even remember where I got it from. But I really like it.

About My Last Post

I've been thinking about my last post and have gone back to re-read it a couple of times wondering if I should edit it or delete it. It was one of those moments when I generalized everyone, and I know that it's not everyone. I also know that it's not uncommon when talking with people that a general consensus seems to be that Christians do not tip very well. I've also noticed that somewhere along the way we've lost understanding about the reasons why we are still on this planet -- especially in North America (or at least Canada).

My "stuff" doesn't matter. I don't need to have a T.V., DVD player, new car (although one that's working would be nice), two closets full of clothes (just for me), a house full of toys, movies, books, food, etc. And it seems as much as I get rid of, I manage to collect just as much stuff. And I know I'm not alone. As much as I have, I know people who have more stuff, or better stuff. And I'm not saying that we can't enjoy what we have, or that we can't have nice stuff. There are many people in the Bible who were blessed materially by God. What I mean is "What Am I Doing With My Stuff?" How do I view it? Is it mine? Have I earned it? Do I deserve it? NO! Everything, and I mean everything, I have is from God. Just as he gives, he could take away. Look at the tsunami. Some people lost everything. That could happen to me, too. (well, maybe not a tsunami, seeing as it would have to wipe out half of Canada before it reached here -- but some other sort of disaster)

And when it comes to money, you can really tell what a person's values are. If you look at where a person spends their money and their time, you will see what matters the most to them. It doesn't matter what a person says, it's what they do that is the true indicator. It just seems like we've missed the point the Bible was trying to tell us. The love of money is the root of all kinds of evil. (I Timothy 6:10) Be content with what you have. If you have extra, why are you holding onto it so tightly? We brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it. (I Timothy 6:7)

I said it before, and I'll say it again -- Relationships will last forever, Stuff will not. So if you are keeping your money to buy more "stuff", why not think about investing it into people instead? If your church reaches out to people, give your money there. If your church doesn't reach out to people, maybe it's because you aren't giving your money so they can't. If you do give to your church, maybe even over and beyond, think about giving into the life of a child. I have sponsered Compassion children for many years, and have not regretted it. I also have never lacked for what I've needed and am still able to make that commitment.

I guess my point is we are not on this planet to hoard all the blessings that God gives us. While we need to be wise with our money, it should not rule us, nor should it dictate our behaviour. Giving is great and very freeing.

Christians Are Cheap

I was talking with a lady who used to waitress and she was saying how much she hated working on Sundays and that she would rather do the bartending or count cash than deal with customers in the restaurant on Sundays.

I've noticed that a lot of Christians go to restaurants after church on Sundays. I've also noticed that I'd much rather share a meal at a restaurant with non-Christians than with Christians. That sounds so bad, but it's the truth. I'm embarrassed to be associated with such misers. Let me try to explain.

Sometimes when I shared a meal with Christians (at a restaurant), everyone makes sure that they get separate bills (usually after the waitress has already brought the one huge bill to the table) or try to make sure everything is calculated down to the last penny (including the tip -- if they feel so led to give one) to make sure they are not overpaying in the slightest.

When I go with a group of non-Christians, I've found that everyone just sort of throws in some money in the middle and figures out approximately what they would get back. And if it's a group that gets together often, sometimes one person puts in a little more, and the next time someone else does. It's not a big deal if you don't get every cent owing to you.

I feel that way when I go for coffee with friends, too. If I get the bill -- or they get the bill -- I'm not keeping tabs of who paid last. It all works out in the end. And if it doesn't - so what? The money isn't mine, anyway. I don't get to take it with me to heaven. And if there is fellowship around the table, isn't the money worth the investment into relationships which is eternal? People last forever, money doesn't.

How Do I Love Thee?

Let me count the ways:

You make me laugh
You teach me
You care for me and our kids
You support me
You honour me
You are intelligent
You are creative
You make me feel like the luckiest woman alive
You love me

Happy 40th Birthday, Honey. I love you.

Today Is a Good Day

Today has been a good day. It's funny, because it had the potential of not being a good day. At work this morning my computer froze up and I couldn't start it at all. And the man in our office who could help me get it working again wasn't going to be in until late. So I went and used his computer instead. And since his computer is in an office, I actually found that I got quite a bit accomplished this morning (it helps when I'm not answering phones or talking). That made me feel really good (getting the work done).

Then I told my boss how much I appreciate that he gave me a chance and hired me, and he totally complimented me and my abilities. That felt really good, too.

And tonight I went for coffee with a friend of mine, and she let me know how much she values our friendship (I love her tons, too) and that made me feel better than anything else.

It has been a great day.

I Miss Our Receptionist

I really love my job. I think I've said that before, but I really do. That's not to say that there aren't times when I get frustrated.

I've learned that I really love our receptionist. She does an amazing job of answering the phones, greeting clients and getting work done. I really miss her when she's not here. Today is one of those days when she isn't here, and I feel as though I'm not getting any work done. Which is really . . . (need a word here, but can't think of one) since my boss let me know last week how much he appreciates all the hard work I've been doing. Our receptionist had been gone for a week, and I really loved having her back. I'm looking forward to when she'll be back, again. Treat receptionists with respect -- they totally deserve it for the work they do.

And I'm really sore today, too. I was helping a friend paint on Saturday and didn't realize how much bending I was doing, so it actually hurts my quads when I walk. I thought it would be better by today, but it's not.

Okay, I'll stop whining now and get back to work.

I'm Concerned - My Son

My son keeps saying that he wants to be a girl, he wants to be me, or he wants to be his sister. He prefers us to say that he's pretty instead of handsome and says that being a boy is boring.

I'm not sure if I should be really concerned or not. I'm not entirely sure how to handle it. I remember when I was younger, I didn't want to be a girl. But I didn't really want to be a boy. I didn't want to be me because I didn't like me or my life. In fact, I never really came to accept who I am until I was in my 20s.

I don't want to give too much attention to his claims of wanting to change gender. But, on the other hand, I don't want to completely ignore him, either. I'm just not sure how to help him to see that he is a wonderful boy who will grow into a wonderful man - that God gave him special gifts and abilities - and that who he is is okay.

I don't know if my parents ever knew that I struggled like that. I don't remember them doing or saying anything to help me appreciate who I am. But my memories are skewed to how I perceived things as a child, and I'm not sure that Brendan will remember any of this when he grows up, either.

Being Organized

I generally tend toward being an organized person. However, I also tend toward being a pack rat (everything can be used for something, eventually!). The two don't go very well together -- at least they don't in my house. The result is usually that there are piles of papers and "stuff" sitting on the counters all the time. It gets to the point where I can't take it any more, so out comes a box and everything just gets piled into the box for me to sort out later.

Well, generally life is so busy that later can be months or even years before I get to sorting out that box. Coupons are expired, information that I had been wanting months ago is found (but useless now). It makes it a lot easier for me to start throwing things out that way, but it's not very practical.

Now, it happens to be income tax time. Usually I procrastinate on doing our taxes but with our van needing to be fixed, and it costing a whole lot more than what we have, I figured I should do our income tax. We should be getting money back, and it will really help right now. I remember getting our forms in the mail at the beginning of January. I also remember thinking, "Why do they send these forms out so early? We never get our T4s this early, or anything else I'll need to do our income tax. These will just get lost." So, guess what has happened? I couldn't find the forms in any of the usual places so I went hunting in those boxes.

I didn't find the forms. I found a lot of expired coupons, old birthday cards, more paper junk than any one person should have on hand. And I found two cheques - dated 2003. You probably thought I was exagerating about how long it takes me to get to these boxes. Nope. I wasn't.

I know cheques expire after six months, and I was thinking, "Oh, man! I can't believe that we didn't cash these!" My husband said, "I don't remember being so wealthy back then that we could afford to not cash those." So, I had a thought. Maybe (cross your fingers and hope really hard) if we contact the people who wrote those cheques, they will be kind enough to re-issue them. (I wasn't holding my breath, though.)

When I got home from work today, I asked Bruce if he had called about the cheques. He had, and if we send them back, we will get new ones! I am so excited! We can really use the money now and it's a total surprise.

So, that doesn't say much for my housekeeping abilities, but it is kind of like finding money in the pocket of a jacket you haven't worn for months. I'm really glad. And maybe it's not totally a God thing (or maybe it is), but I just have to say, "God is good!"

Me before my laser eye surgery 

That Kind of Day

Do you ever have one of those days? I'm having one today.

This morning when I started up our van I heard a funny noise. I pointed it out to my husband, and he said we would probably need to have our timing chain adjusted. Well, after he dropped me off at work, I hear the three of them come back into my office. The van broke about half a block down the street. So we needed to phone CAA to have it towed, and while Bruce was out waiting for the tow truck to come, my kids were hanging out with me at the office.

We still don't know the kind of damage we're going to have to pay for, but in it all I did notice a few things.

1. What a blessing that the van broke down so close to my work. I got to work okay, and the kids didn't have to wait outside in the freezing cold with their dad while he was waiting for the tow truck.

2. I work in a great office that was totally okay with my kids hanging out for a while. And, one of my co-workers has two kids about my kids' ages and so she offered to give them a ride home since she had car seats in her car. Thank-you God that my family was able to make it back home safely.

3. My son can still go to school because when his auntie found out that our van broke down, she offered to give him a ride to school.

So basically all I'm left with is trying to get back in step with my work load. I had someone say that when you have a day that starts off not-so-great, sometimes it's just better to admit that it's a write-off. I don't know if it's just that I'm stubborn, or the fact that I can see the postitives out of today, but I'm not ready to throw the towel in yet. Besides, I have too much work to do!

The Dream Giver

I've finished reading the Dream Giver by Bruce Wilkinson. It was a very easy read. I could have done it in one sitting if I had that much time at once. I actually felt as though it could have been published in a little book - there wasn't a lot of content in it. The parable at the beginning was really good. I enjoyed it. It was also nice to have the explanation of the parable and some examples from his life.

During his talk at Breakforth, Bruce Wilkinson used a lot of what he had in his book. It's nice to have as reference, and I think that I will lend it out to others. I really think it would be good for my husband to read, and anyone who is unsure of what in the world they are doing here in the first place.

I had really enjoyed listening to him as a speaker. The concepts he expresses about how God made us really makes sense, and he is able to articulate them in an understandable, down-to-earth way. It helped me to realize that I'm not going to pursue being a lawyer. I had thought that since I enjoy being a legal assistant so much that I would go back to school to become a lawyer. But the truth of the matter is I don't like to bring work home. I work hard, but that is separate from my home life. I also want to have the time to invest in drama pursuits and maybe see more about talking with people about adoption and crisis pregnancies. I don't know how everything God has put in my heart is going to play out, yet, but I'm looking forward to finding out.

Making Time - My Children

Talk about lacking time. Work was really busy on Friday, and I didn't get a chance to blog at lunch (I barely had time to eat lunch) and I knew I would have an appointment today at lunch and not get a chance to blog. So I had intentions of getting here on the weekend to write something down. Well that didn't happen either. And at the rate the busy-ness is, if I don't make time for this, it just won't happen. Kind of like the devotion time we were having for Lent. It's not even a week in and we have already missed two days. And I'd bet we'd both say we'd skip tonight, except I'm going to be stubborn, and insist that we do it anyway, even though we are both really tired.

What I really wanted to mention is that our church had communion last night. It was a time of focusing on the Cross (we have a really huge, rough-looking cross in our sanctuary). And we had papers and pens to write what we wanted to put on the cross. The funny thing is, I thought, "I don't have anything to put on the Cross. I think I've been really open with God. I'm not holding onto anything." And then, WHAM!!, I remembered about the post I wrote a couple days ago -- about having a hard time letting God take care of my children instead of me. Then I realized, just like many other times in my life, I had a little glimpse of what God was going to ask of me before he asked. So I wrote my children down on that piece of paper, thanking God for the blessing of being able to raise them, but recognizing that they aren't really mine. They are God's. I am just blessed by having the privilege of raising them.

That was a quick realization. Now we'll see how well I do in actually living out that belief.

Making Time for our Dreams

Bruce and I started doing The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren together for Lent. In the past we have given up TV, beef, or other such things. I found with the TV being off (actually it was in our basement unplugged so the kids wouldn't ask every day to watch it) we broke a bad habit of watching so much television. It was nice to find time in the day again. Of course, now it is filled with so many other things -- one of them not being a devotional time together. So that is why we are spending time together for Lent instead of taking something out of our lives. Instead, we are putting something into our lives -- something that should have been a part of our marriage right from the beginning.

Why does it seem so hard to "make time" for God? We make time for a lot of things, but that just seems to be one of the last priorities on our list. And it's funny because the first chapter in the book talks about how our focus is wrong, and that's why we can't seem to find purpose to our lives. It's all about "me, myself and I." But instead it should be about God. And he is not just our "starting point," He is our source.

One of the points that I've been mulling over in Warren's book talks about how we can't rely on my dreams, my plans and my ambitions. And yet, I've been reading a book by Bruce Wilkinson called The Dream Giver. It talks about how God has given us our dreams. We have dreams because God made us for a reason, and then He put that reason in our hearts. That's why we have our strengths (and our weaknesses) and we usually all have big dreams. So what's the difference between it being my dream and it being the dream God gave me?

Do I Trust God With My Children?

I had a dream this morning. In my dream, God was asking me to die for Him so that many would come to know Him. But I was arguing with God, saying, "Who is going to be there for my children, then?"

For a while I've sensed that God is asking me to let go of my children. To trust Him and be willing to obey Him more than my love for my kids. This is really hard to actually do. Oh, I can say that I love God more, but when it really comes down to it, I hold onto my children very tightly. They really do mean the world to me. And with my polycystic kidney disease, I worry sometimes that something could happen to me and my babies would be without a mother.

But the real question is, "Do I trust God enough to believe that even if I am not able to, He will take care of my children?" I don't know. My response leads me to believe that I do not. So how do I get to the point where I can really let them go? How did I get to the point where I was happy being single (before I was married)? I don't know.

Breakforth

I went to Breakforth last weekend (the last weekend in January), and it was an amazing time. Initially I had to get over my own misgivings that I was carrying with me into the weekend. I had a preconceived idea that I was going to be alone in crowds of thousands of people (I had a bad experience at Youth Quake when I was in high school).

I started my Friday feeling sorry for myself, lacking sleep and being sicker than I ever like to be. Not thinking that I could try to use a phone to call the people I had ridden with to Edmonton (although, in hindsight it wouldn't have worked because for some reason my calling card wouldn't work), I was wandering from my "class" back to the Shaw Centre and called out to God, "Please, I need to see just one familiar face!" Not 30 seconds later I ran into one of the men from our group. "Thank you, God!" After a short nap later in the afternoon, my world started to look much better.

Basically over the whole weekend, the message I took home was:

I need to grow up - God had let me know a while ago about this. He had told me that I'm not a child anymore. I'm not fully mature yet, either. I'm like a teenager. So I need to start learning to stand on my own spiritually and take responsibility for myself. The interesting thing about this is that I will be 17 years old this year in my walk with God.

I need to not forget the Dream that God made me for - I'm not really sure how this all will pan out. Ever since I was a child, I wanted to act. I remember a friend of mine going to an audition and being so jealous that my parents would never take me (of course, I don't think I ever told them. I just assumed they were all-knowing parents). Now I lead our drama team at church, but feel most of the time as though there are so many other people who would be so much more qualified than I am to be leading. I just have the passion for drama, but lack a lot of the practical know-how.

I've wanted to be a speaker for a long time, but am unsure about what. When I have spoken in the past, I start with a lot of nervousness, but often have people come up to say how much they've enjoyed what I've said. Again, I lack the confidence that I'm qualified to be speaking about anything.

I am also a leader, have always been a leader, but have always felt as though I'm a leader that nobody wants to follow. So I have no idea what kind of leader that is. I am definitely not a follower, though. I can work in a team, can understand and follow within a leadership structure, but I'm not afraid to speak out and stand up for what I believe in. I also tend to be more task-oriented instead of people-oriented. When I'm under stress, the task can become more important to me than the people. I know this isn't right, and so I work hard at trying to remember that.

But I also need to remember that about a year ago, a man gave me a word from God. The gist of it was that it doesn't matter what education I have, or whether or not I think that I'm doing great things. God doesn't look at my accomplishments and what I'm doing through the same eyes that the world does. What matters is that I'm obedient. That I was right where God wanted me to be, and He was pleased. When I remember that feeling -- hearing those words right then meant the world to me -- to know that God is pleased is the most I could ever hope for.

Yet, I'm doing right now a job (that I'm getting paid for) that I love. It took me a while to get back into working in a law firm, but I really just absolutely love the work I do.

So, how all that fits together, I'm not sure.

I need to be rooted in prayer - The reason I am where I am and not further toward what God would have me be/do is because although I've known for a while that I need to pray (all the time), I have not actually done what I know. This needs to change.

Musically Challenged

My husband, Bruce, asked me to do this questionaire.

10 albums randomly pulled from my collection:

1. Margaret Becker - Simple House
2. The Lion King Soundtrack
3. Jars of Clay - self-titled album
4. Amy Grant - Unguarded
5. Steven Curtis Chapman - Signs of Life
6. Petra - Beat the System
7. Susan Ashton - Wakened by the Wind
8. Neil Diamond - Johnathan Livingston Seagull
9. Rich Mullins - Winds of Heaven
10. Whiteheart - Freedom

Total # of music files on my computer:

None

The last CD I bought:

savage garden - self titled album (I actually got it at a garage sale)

Last song I listened to:

The radio was on at work, so whatever was on there. I don't really pay attention, though, since it's not at my desk. So the last music I really "listened" to was at Breakforth in Edmonton last weekend.

5 songs I listen to often and/or that mean a lot to me:

Better is One Day - I don't own this on CD, but I love to sing this at church

Today - This is a new one I heard for the first time last weekend. It's written by Brian Doerksen - and again, I don't have it on CD

All the songs on isaiah's answer (there are 5 songs on the CD) - I find these songs really lift my spirit and bring my thoughts to God

Easter Song - Keith Green

Emmanuel - Amy Grant

5 People to whom I'm passing this questionnaire:

Anyone who actually reads this. I'm not sure that would be even 5 people.