What Life Brings

A couple of weeks ago, Bruce and I started on a journey we didn't know we were going to go on. For fun we visit open houses on the weekends. Mostly we just look as anything in our price range is too small for us and anything that would fit our needs is out of our price range. That is why we had talked with someone about an addition to our house. The thought was we would add space by building out toward the back yard, four feet down with a raised basement and level above it. Then we saw a house, just like our house, but it had a full basement already. We called a realtor, and *presto* we have officially begun a house hunt.

The housing market here last year was absolutely nuts. Prices skyrocketed with houses more than doubling in price. Prices are still crazy. However, we were very fortunate that we bought our house before the prices made their steep climb. And last year, the market was definitely in the seller's favour. This year is a different story. The market is flooded with houses being listed. People have time to get the house they want. I always thought it was ridiculous that in order to buy a house last year you had to make a snap decision, overbid, and have no conditions. If I'm going to spend hundreds of thousands of dollars, I don't want to "impulse" buy! Like I said - NUTS! But because things have changed, we are rethinking the renovations. The costs to add onto our house will probably be extremely high because building costs are up considerably in and around the City. The advice we've been hearing has been moving may be better than renovating.

In order to buy a house, we will have to sell our house. I'm glad we are in a position where we don't have to move. We are also being fairly particular about wanting to stay in the same area. We love the school our kids are in and don't want them to have to switch schools. This has narrowed down our options slightly. But like I said, we don't have to move. So any offer we put in on a house will be conditional to our being able to sell our house. Which, with the buyers market, may or may not happen.

In any case, we have decided to start getting our house ready to sell in the event we will need to list it. Some of the little things that needed fixing have been worked on. Bruce has been cleaning up a storm. Items are being packed up and hauled out to the garage for storage (the reasoning is, we are looking for a bigger house and then we'll have room!) We started painting the kitchen last night. I really like the colour. It's the same colour as it was before, just MUCH lighter. Right from day one I didn't care much for a dark kitchen. The lighter colour really lightens up the whole room. I had intended to change the walls entirely to the same colour as most of the rest of the house, but Brendan convinced me to stick with green (it's his favourite colour). Bruce thinks it looks blue - but I like it. Tonight I'll do the second coat.

And all this is happening in the midst of regular, crazy busy life continuing. Although I said to Bruce, it's funny how I've wanted to do all this stuff before, but it has taken the motivation of possibly moving to actually get it done. Maybe now we will have to stick around for a while!

My Favourite Recipes

I've started a new blog for my favourite recipes. My goal is to write one recipe a day. You'll see when you get there the reason I started it is because Bruce always looks on the internet for recipes when I have a whole cupboard full of recipe books with great recipes in them. I figure this way he can cook the way he likes and I still get some of my favourite dishes for supper :D

Proud Mommy, Switching Hours and the May Long Weekend

First, sorry I haven’t posted here in forever, really. I’ve been meaning to, but time keeps ticking away…. (that DC Talk song has been in my head for over a week now. I don’t remember any of the rest of the lyrics, and I don’t seem to have the CD anymore, so I can’t get it out of my head. Arrrggghhh!!!)

I had a proud Mommy moment today. My daughter has been practising riding a two-wheeler bicycle (meaning one without training wheels) on the grass in our backyard. She hasn’t had the courage to ride it on the sidewalk, even though she has been doing a great job staying upright and not falling over. Today after work I was outside and she was riding her bike on the grass. I mentioned that if she wanted to try, we have a small sidewalk in the back she could try to ride on and that way if she fell it would still be on grass. She became very excited and after one or two successful attempts at riding on the cement in the backyard, she announced that she wanted her dad to watch her in the front on the big sidewalk. Now there is no stopping her! She rode around the block once, then twice, and again with her brother. As I saw her riding off (leaving me in the dust) I had this huge smile on my face -- and that was my proud Mommy moment. *sniff* My baby girl is growing up.

Spending time outside this evening was possible because I’ve switched my hours at work. I’m now working 7:30 to 4 instead of 8:30 to 5. It’s nice to have the extra time in the evening with the kids. I’m still not used to getting up so early. Yesterday I fell asleep on the couch at 8:30. I’ve been trying to get to bed earlier, but it isn’t working very well.

And now I want to tell you about our camping trip on the May long weekend. I know, that was a while ago, but bear with me.

You may or may not know that we have a 1967 Airstream. We bought it last year in May, had a few issues and finally got it at the end of June or beginning of July, I think. There were still some issues, but we used it for the summer and enjoyed it immensely. We knew we had to take it back in the Fall to have some stuff done - replace the fridge and fix a connection from the car to the battery. We were draining the battery when we used anything in the trailer because there was something wrong with the connection that was supposed to recharge the trailer batter from our car while the car was running (I know -- it’s all so technical *lol*). So we think everything is fixed and we’re set to go for this year. Well, except we know we can’t run the fridge on the gas because we didn’t plug the holes beside the fridge and there is danger we could gas ourselves because it would vent into the trailer instead of outside. But that’s not all the fun we had. First Bruce realizes that we have no signal lights when the trailer was plugged into the car. We can’t drive on the road without trailer lights. A camping trip would not be worth the ticket. I don’t know what he did, but he figured out how to get those working. But then he realizes that we don’t have battery power in the trailer. We like to camp in non-electric sites, so battery power is helpful (and I think it was necessary for the trailer lights to work). He plugs the trailer into the house, the battery charges, all is okay again. No problem. We’ll just ask for an electric site.

Now, we don’t use the water much in the trailer (just for the toilet, really) because the water tastes funny. But we had the trailer winterized and thought we should flush all that stuff out. Since we are going to go camping, we might as well take the water and then we can dump the sewage out at the Lake and not have to pay the $5 dumping fee at the campground here in the City, right? Sounds good to me. So, Bruce and Brendan filled the trailer with water. I got home, finished packing, hitched everything up and pulled out of the driveway. With a scrape scrape here and a scrape scrape there. We left a nice long line at the end of the driveway where it meets the road as the hitch dragged on the ground. We could hear the chains dragging and thought, “This doesn’t seem right. We didn’t drag this much last year.” We stop a few houses down, get out of the van to look, and, sure enough, the back end of the van is WAY down. If we go over any bumps, I’m sure it’s not going to be good for the van or the trailer. We think, “What do we do? Do we keep going and hope for the best or pull around the block and park the trailer until we figure out what’s wrong?” I had an idea that maybe the water was weighing down the front of the trailer, so we go inside and start running water through ever tap. That lifted the front up and we were able to go without dragging our back end.

The trip to the Lake was fairly uneventful – just the usual 80 km/h and fear every time you need to change lanes because you can’t see behind you. (Bruce found out at the sewage dump that he can get mirrors for the van that would help us out. I think those are still on the list for the next trailer trip) When we got to the Lake we asked for an electric sight. No such luck. But we could get the exact same sight we had last year that we loved in non-electric. That was fine. We had a lantern and flashlight for night, so we didn’t need to use the trailer lights. And it is a spot close to the park so we could sit at the site and watch the kids play.

Usually the May long weekend rains and is miserable, but this year it was very nice. Very windy, but wind is better than wet. For the most part, the kids played with other kids at the playground. They went on the nature hike, played mini-golf, built fires, roasted marshmallows and ate far too much junk food. All-in-all it was a great weekend. We even got to go to the beach one day. The kids played in the lake even though we thought the water was freezing. They made some friends, and we even chatted with one of the neighbouring campers. All was calm and peaceful -- until Sunday night. I don’t know why everyone seems to come up with the same idea at the same time…. The Lake has an alcohol ban on long weekends to try to prevent people from just coming to drink, be loud, and then puke.

Okay, I need to start at the beginning with some new neighbour campers. A group of younger people (maybe C&C age) pulled up at the empty site beside us. Bruce admits he had the thought that wouldn’t it be nice if it was a church group and we’d hear some campfire songs that night. Uh huh. No such luck. As soon as they opened their mouths we realized they were not a church group. Every second word was offensive. I was glad my kids weren’t at the site and weren’t listening to the language casually tossed about next to us. There was one parent who did have their kids nearby, though, and asked them to tone it down. That lasted for all of about half an hour. *rolls eyes* The funny thing is, they had been arguing about whether or not a canoe would sink in the water from the weight of all of them. They decided it wouldn’t sink and went for their canoe ride (much to our relief). A little while later I see them walking back with paddles in hand but no canoe. Apparently it was so windy, the waves capsized their canoe! I’m afraid I thought, “ha ha!” I also thought somebody’s parents weren’t going to be very happy with them.

At one point the police stopped by to let them know they had too many tents on their site. One tent was removed, and a car full of people left (Yay!). There was a search done of the site. I’m not sure where they hid it, but no alcohol was found at that time.

The fun really began when they were partying beside us (with the hidden alcohol) – we had put the kids to bed already and thought of turning in for the night ourselves. Guess who shows up again but Mr. Policeman. Busted!!! The cop came on foot so they couldn’t hide the alcohol this time. I was amazed when I saw the piles of bottles that turned up. One of the girls was trying to convince the officer that it wasn’t them it was the people before them and that if the cop wanted he could dump out all the alcohol. It sounded like a desperate attempt to convince the police officer that he shouldn’t kick them all out. Nope. No such luck (for them … hee hee). In the dark they had to tear down the tents, pack up and leave. Now we had been ready for bed and I wondered if it would be appropriate to pull out our chairs, start up the fire again, and watch the excitement unfolding at the campsite next to us. I decided to not be so obvious. We climbed into the trailer and peeked out the window instead. *snicker* Okay, in hindsight we should have just set up to watch the show from decent seats. But they do say hindsight is 20/20. *lol*

We didn’t peek for long and did go to sleep. The next day we found out there were about three other parties busted around us. Of course, I slept through it all. It sounded interesting, though. We think everyone must have figured there would be patrols Friday and Saturday night, so they would come out Sunday night instead.

Monday we packed up and headed home. Apparently there is a lot of useful information to be had while waiting to dump the sewage. The kids and I played minigolf while we waited for Bruce. Oh, and we found out that our sewage tank leaks. Yet one more thing to fix – and we are so NOT fix-it-up-ourselves kind of people. BUT we don’t sleep on the ground anymore.

I love our trailer. I love camping. I can hardly wait to go again.

PKD Kidneys Are Large

Team Teddy Bear: another picture

I have people ask me about my kidneys. I try to explain how big they are, which is surprising to most people because usually kidneys shrink when you have kidney disease. I've been complaining that even though I've been losing weight (only about 10 pounds so far), my tummy still sticks out - especially just after I eat. I think it's because my kidneys take up so much space, but I wonder sometimes if people just don't believe me. That's why I've linked to the above post to show how large polycystic kidneys can become.

Soccer, a Sick Kid, Garage Sale-ing and Mother's Day

We enrolled both our kids in soccer this year. Initially I wasn’t sure what we were going to do if there were conflicts in game times seeing as we only have one vehicle, and last year Bruce did most of the taking Brendan to his games since I wouldn’t always be home from work yet. So I was quite pleased when I found out Brendan and Shaeleigh have the same soccer coach. Or at least I was. Until I saw their schedules. There are many days when both kids have a game at the same time in different parts of the City. Now how in the world can one coach be in two places at the same time? He can’t. Apparently that’s why they have assistant coaches. But we don’t have an assistant second car. It’s a good thing that we know some of the other parents with kids that go to the same school as our kids. Carpooling and having a busy schedule have taken on a whole new meaning.

Brendan is in an older age category now, and also has practices. So this last week he went to practice, even though he had a runny nose. He seemed to do well. But Thursday Bruce got a call asking him to come get Brendan because he wasn’t doing well and was sick. Apparently he was quite lethargic (keep in mind this is the boy who won’t sit at the supper table and can’t stay still for more than a couple minutes at a time, even when he’s playing computer). Thursday night Brendan complained about his throat being sore, so I tried to take a peek. I couldn’t really see, but the opening seemed smaller than it should be and I suggested Bruce call the doctor in the morning for a checkup. Good thing they went. The doctor said his tonsils looked really bad and put him on antibiotics (the pharmacist called it ‘freshly squeezed banana juice’). This kid has a VERY high pain tolerance. He had hardly complained, and yet we noticed that since he was sick we had a hard time understanding what he is saying (probably because his throat was so swollen). He was supposed to play soccer Friday night, but we kept him home. He was acting okay, but the doctor said it should be a rest day.

Saturday is our garage sale-ing day. There was a church near us that was having a pancake breakfast and sale, so we headed there. It was great. We picked up a couch pillow, fish tank with accessories, bread pan, strainer, square purple candle, suitcase with handbag, Ariel bedskirt (to match the Ariel sheets and quilt Shaeleigh already has), set of 4 matching placemats and set of 6 matching placemats, thermos and 4 Christmas tins for $10. We also ended up getting some books, puzzles, plates, gardening tools, and meat grinder for very reasonable prices. I picked up a book to learn how to use the sewing machine and serger that were my mom’s, as well as a Reader’s Digest How-To book. The lady I bought them from said my husband would be happy because I bought something for him, too. I looked at her and said, “No I didn’t. It’s for me!” I love Bruce, but he is about as handy as he is musical (see previous entry).

Since we spent all our day’s money at one place, we headed to a school in our neighbourhood that was celebrating 50 years by giving away free hot dogs and hamburgers. We stopped at home, picked up our kite, and headed to the school. It turns out we got there just in time (meaning just before the burgers ran out). We ate, went on a horse and buggy ride, and then flew our kite. I was wishing I had thought to bring the cameral, because it was such a great day. The wind was gusting, so the kite would go up and then come down again. But eventually I managed to get it high into the air. But no matter how long or high the kite went, both the kids had fun. (I’ll try to remember the camera next time and post some pictures).

By the time we got home, both Bruce and I were wiped. So we let Brendan play computer, put in a Barbie movie for Shaeleigh, and Bruce and I both laid down (he in the bedroom, me on the couch). When the movie was done, I pulled out some mini pizzas from the freezer to make for supper. Now Brendan has the ability to be an angel. He also has the ability to be quite the opposite. Sometimes it doesn’t matter what we say, he will do or say exactly the opposite. I had asked him to stop playing computer (because we limit the amount of screen time the kids are allowed), and while he eventually quit his game, he continued playing with the keyboard and was making it make all those noises that mean the computer is not happy with what you are inputting. When I told him to stop – well – you can guess what he did. So, probably because I was tired, I told him to go to his room. I had no energy to deal with his defiance.

I think it ended up being a good thing. Because when I went into his room to talk with him, he was lying under his covers with his eyes closed. I left him be until the pizza was ready, and then asked Bruce to go in to let him know his pizza was ready and to talk with him about whether or not he wanted to get up or if he wanted to rest. It turned out that he wanted to rest. Now he and Shaeleigh have Church School Saturday, and then we stay for Vespers. Brendan decided he was going to rest through Church School (both kids LOVE to go to Church School), but he wanted to go to Vespers. I talked with him and let him know that it was okay if he wanted to stay resting, that we weren’t going to make him go to Church when he was sick, but he insisted. So I said, well, we’d see how he was feeling when his Dad was going to go to Vespers (I was planning on staying home because I am sick with a sore throat and runny nose, too). Brendan rested for the hour, and then said he still wanted to go to church, so he went. I stayed home, got ready for bed and was in bed by 7 p.m.

I didn’t have a very good sleep, even though I was in bed for 12 hours. I woke up with a very sore throat. The amazing thing is, when I got to church, my throat didn’t hurt for the rest of the day. It’s starting to hurt again now. But I’ve been feeling like I’ve been on the verge of being sick for the last few months, so this isn’t much of anything new.

My Mother’s Day started with Shaeleigh yelling from her bedroom at 6 a.m. if it was time to get up yet. But I received some wonderful cards from my kids, and Bruce bought me an under-the-sink water purifier. The only problem is, some of the pieces are missing. (and I’m not sure how we’re going to install it when we do have all the pieces.)

Because of gas prices (and health reasons), I like to walk to church now. It takes about half an hour if the kids ride their bikes. We decided to let Brendan sleep as late as he wanted with the idea that Bruce and Shaeleigh would walk, and I’d take the van when (if) he woke up. Well, just as they were getting ready to head out the door, Brendan woke up and wanted to ride his bike as well. Since there was a baptism today, we knew we would have to make sure we got to the church on time (preferably early), so we gave him five minutes. He was ready really fast, so we all went without the van.

Baptisms are always exciting. The service went longer than usual. And even though there wasn’t a scheduled lunch, the families involved with the baptism provided a lunch. We helped clean up and ended up leaving the church later than usual. We are normally one of the last to leave (around 2), but today we didn’t leave until 3.

On the way home we say an Open House. We love stopping at Open Houses, even though the houses are usually way out of our price range or are too small for us. There’s almost always something wrong with the house, but Bruce and I still like to look. This house screamed out both our names. We both LOVE the house. It’s an old house, built in 1912 – 2 ½ stories with a basement. It’s in a neighbourhood we tried to get into when we first were looking at buying a house. The only drawback is the yard (and no garage). It is even in our price range of affordability. *sigh*

Then we started talking about it on the way home. 1. It doesn’t have AC. Summers on the upper floor would probably be unbearably hot. 2. Equalized payments for energy were listed at $136 per month. We currently equalize ourselves at about $85 per month. That would be a steep climb. 3. While it has a ton of room, I couldn’t see entertaining many people there. And I dream of a home where we can have many people over to visit. 4. It has a TON of stairs. One of the other ideas I’m getting used to about our house is that we could potentially be here until we have to move into a nursing home. 5. I’d lose my garden and space for the kids ice rink, and a place to park the trailer. There’s really no yard space.

*pout* I realized that while it was my dream home, it’s not my reality home. I love the character homes, but can’t realistically see it fitting my idea of my lifestyle. I really do love my home, even if I complain about it occasionally.

Now it’s the end of the day and I’m going to head to bed. I’m tired (and sick) and hope that tomorrow is a good day at work.

Pascha 2008

I am so wiped. The last day of the month and work was crazy. People are back in the swing of buying and selling houses, so I am busy at work. At the moment I am tired and brain dead.

But I haven’t had a chance to sit down and write about this past weekend, and I wanted to make sure that I at least said something before too much time passes and I don’t remember as much.

Last week was Holy Week. There were services every night, and while I didn’t go to every service, we did go as a family Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday. I mentioned the Wednesday service already.

Thursday: Bruce went to the liturgy in the morning and brought me at work some blessed bread. The evening service was the reading of the passion gospels. Christ is put on the cross. I was prepared with Kleenex as last year I had cried and expected I would again this year. Surprisingly, though, I didn’t. I don’t know why. It was still a powerful service.

Friday: I took the day off for Great and Holy Friday. I had worked the Western Good Friday so that I could have ours off. I baked paska, hot cross buns, regular bread, farmer sausage and ham. Bruce baked a cherry loaf. We fasted through the whole day – which was actually a lot easier than I thought it was going to be. The hard part was not trying all the food we were making – but we couldn’t eat most of it for the most part, anyway. We prepared the rest of our food for our Easter baskets and put the baskets on a table in our living room. We mostly followed the guidelines from Nichola T. Krause. I’m wondering if it was easier to fast because I was working so hard and didn’t have much time to think about eating.

In the evening we went to the service where Christ is taken off the cross and put in the tomb. Then there was the reading of the Psalms and Lamentations as a vigil. Bruce and I stayed and had brought the kids’ blankies and stuffies, so they crawled under the benches and fell asleep. We hadn’t signed up to do any of the reading/chanting, but were asked if we would do some. Bruce has been chanting some of his prayers at home, and just before we were asked I had suggested that he go up and give one of the readers a break. Because we both went up, and because he started with chanting, I tried chanting, too. It was really great. We both loved it. He chanted the Lamentations, and I chanted the Psalms. I don’t know how it sounded to someone who is actually musical, but since neither of us are musical, we really enjoyed it.

I was a little disappointed, however. Last year Bruce and I had each signed up for an hour slot. He took the first slot from 9 to 10 and I took 11 to midnight. I took the kids home and put them to bed, Bruce came home and then I went for my shift. Bruce said there were many people at the church while he was reading, and people would come up and relieve the chanters throughout the hour. And when I went at 11, there were still quite a few people sitting in the church, and there were people even when I left. This year everyone cleared out almost right after the service and hardly anyone stayed for the vigil. I thought we’d be prepared with the kids that we would be able to stay for a good chunk of the night. Well, we were the last ones to leave (aside from Father Bernard), but we left shortly after 11. And I think for the last 20 minutes or so of our chanting we were the only ones in the sanctuary. Not that I minded that nobody was listening to us. I was just disappointed that the vigil seemed to end so early.

Saturday: There was a liturgy in the morning which we went to. Then we came home and finished up the last of the preparations for our baskets. One of the kids’ friends came over and we decorated our eggs. We tried to get the kids to lay down for a nap (that didn’t happen. But they were quiet in their rooms for an hour while we laid down). And then there was the Paschal service which started at 11:30 p.m. I was worried that we would have to do the procession around the church inside because when we woke up in the morning, there was snow on the ground. Thankfully, the snow melted throughout the day, but the evening was cold enough that the ground wasn’t all mucky, and we went outside. Shaeleigh slept through almost the whole service, but Brendan only slept for about the first half, and then was up and awake for the rest of it. After the service, we all headed downstairs to have our baskets blessed and feast. Oh boy, did we feast. We have a friend who says he doesn’t need to come to the Paschal service because Mennonites know how to celebrate. I hate to say it, but I was Mennonite before, and while we sure did fellowship, it was nothing compared to the experience of Pascha. I wish he would come and see what he was missing.

This year it seemed as though I was able to participate more because I recognized the services. It was funny because last year Father Bernard said to me that that Pascha would be extra special, but it wasn’t really. This year was far better. Maybe because I have been in communion with the Orthodox Church through this last year. Or maybe because I am more familiar with Orthodox services. Or maybe because last year I was accepting of the Orthodox Church but hadn’t fully embraced it as my own yet, and this time I have. I don’t know. But whatever the reason, this year was much more meaningful than last year. And now I don’t know how we ever got by with Easter in the Protestant world. There is no comparison. And, you know, I would get so upset and bewildered when anyone Orthodox would say that to me when I was Protestant. So I hope nobody is offended. But the more I am immersed in the Orthodox culture and faith, the more I wonder, “WHY did it take me so long to get here?”

Sunday: There was a service at the Church at 3 p.m. where many people read the gospel in different languages, and then everyone was invited over to Father Bernard’s and Presbytera Linda’s place to continue celebrating the Resurrection. It was a good time, and I had a really good chat with one of the parish members. I was so tired, I wasn’t sure I would be very good company, so that visit was nice.

Post Pascha: Now I’m still trying to recover. I have eaten nothing but meat, cheese and eggs over the last few days. Well, there has been lots of bread, too, and the occasional vegetable sneaks in. But I haven’t felt the twinge of hunger since we feasted after the service Sunday morning. I miss that feeling. I’ve actually felt sick and bloated and kind of gross.

I’ve been saying through Lent that I think I’ve been missing the point. I haven’t done a rule of prayer more. I haven’t read more. I didn’t even do a spectacular fast. But I was talking with a co-worker yesterday and realized that maybe I didn’t miss the point of Lent entirely. This year I have come to realize that I sin. Oh, I don’t mean the symptoms of sin, but the sin which motivates me. I am full of pride. I am undisciplined. I am consumed with the cares of this world instead of being consumed with eternity. I have realized that even in the situations in my life where I thought I was the victim, I have a lot to be sorry for and need to repent and apologize. I’d like to think that I’m changing. Or at the very least, even if I’m not changing, I’ve become more aware of how far from the mark that I am. I used to think I was doing pretty good. I believed when people praised me with my relationship with God. Now it all feels like vain flattery. I realize the more I wanted before is nothing compared to the more I want now. And I also realize that I’m not sure many people in my life are going to understand and will think that I’m a little radical and going too far. It’s not too far, though. In fact, it’s not far enough. And I’m not even sure that I am able. Pray that I won’t give up and that God will show mercy on me. Thank you.

Holy Unction

Yesterday was my first time participating in Holy Unction. The service is the blessing of oil for healing. Our parish celebrated the service with two other parishes. The building we were in had more pews than open space. In our building, we have a few pews but mostly open space. Our family usually stands in the open space. We found a spot in some pews, but because our kids were in a confined space, it was hard to keep them from fooling around together. So Shaeleigh and I moved to another pew. Eventually we moved again to the front because I was feeling claustrophobic. Pews are not made for standing. Orthodox services are not made for sitting. Now I see why many Eastern Orthodox churches don’t have any pews.

Because Shaeleigh hasn’t been baptized yet, I told her she couldn’t go up for the anointing of oil. She was sad. So I asked her if she would want to be baptized before Pascha next year, she said yes. I want to ask her again when we aren’t in the service to see if she will still want to, and if she does we will have to start making preparations for her baptism.

Just Busy - Time Flies

Yesterday was a busy day. I had 4 files to finish off plus other work. There was a 50th birthday at work at the end of the day. We had a dance at Brendan and Shaeleigh’s school. By the time I got home at 9:30 I was exhausted. We put the kids to bed, sat on the couch, and I fell asleep.

So other than being really busy, I don’t know that I have much to say. Lent is done. Today is Lazarus Saturday and tomorrow is Palm Sunday, and then it’s Holy Week. I don’t think I’ve done very well this Lent. For the most part I’ve kept the food fast, but I haven’t done more reading or praying than usual. I can’t believe how quickly time has gone by. I blink and we are at the end of April already. This summer will go by quickly, too, I imagine.

Complaining..... Again! *yeesh*

I am tired. And I am worried. I feel like all I’ve been doing lately is complaining. I’m a procrastinator. I wonder, “What’s wrong with me? I’m hardly doing anything and I still always feel like I have not time and don’t get done the things that I feel I need to do.” Does everyone feel like this? Or is it just me? If anything, it makes me realize I’m not perfect – as much as I’d like to wish I am. *rolls eyes* mmm, hmm.

On a positive note, I stepped on the scale. Drum roll please………… 194.5 pounds! Yay!!! And that is with eating a cupcake a day for the last 3 days (Shaeleigh’s birthday cupcakes) and having too much at supper tonight. I guess some of the little changes are paying off. I haven’t been snacking in the evening. I try to drink more water while at work. I’ve stopped putting hot chocolate in my coffee (I still use whitener), and I’ve been walking.

The next week is going to be super busy. Tomorrow I’m double booked (school dance and youth). Saturday is planning for Holy Week, then begins the marathon. Saturday evening is Vespers. Sunday morning, Liturgy. Sunday, Monday and Tuesday evenings, Bridegroom service. Wednesday, Holy Unction. Thursday, Passion Gospels. Friday – Holy Friday services including an all night vigil. Saturday morning, liturgy. Saturday night – PASCHA! The end is in sight.

Please pray for Bruce. Pray for us all, but especially for Bruce right now. Thank you.

A Birthday, Frustration, and a Wonderful Husband

A week has gone by already. I knew I hadn’t written for a while, but I can’t believe it’s been a week! I think time really must go by more quickly when you get older.

So, what is it you would like to know?

Shaeleigh’s birthday was on Saturday. She was so excited and really looking forward to her birthday. I’m afraid I was feeling a little bad because we hadn’t really spent much time in planning anything special for her. I remember how important my birthdays were, and would want people to make a big deal about them. More often than not, though, they would come and go just like any other day of the year. Oh, I got presents and had a couple birthday parties. But it was never really made “special.” I’m afraid that I don’t do a very good job of making my kids birthdays special, either. This year we cleaned the church - woo hoo. We have had birthday parties for them every year (even if they are not on or near their birthdays). This year Shaeleigh is going to have her party in May so that she can pick whatever she wants to eat seeing as we fast until Pascha. She is okay with that, so I’m glad.

And we keep a stash of gifts for the kids in our closet. Whenever we see something for them that we pick up but don’t have a reason to give it to them, we keep it away until they do something to ‘earn’ a treat or we need a present. When I had Bruce look in the closet to see what we had up there for Shaeleigh, we found out that there wasn’t anything. I haven’t been shopping for ages, and apparently Bruce doesn’t gravitate toward ‘girly’ presents. We have a ton of stuff for Brendan, but no girl gifts.

Now I had wanted to put together a photo album for Shaeleigh and had the pictures from the garage pulled out and sitting in the boxes in our house. (Which is when we discovered that one box of photos got wet and are ruined.) Therefore, Thursday night and Friday night we dug through the boxes, pulled out multiple pictures of Shaeleigh, sorted and spread them all over the floor until I filled a photo album for her. The first page is of her great grandparents, the second page is of her parents and grandparents, the last page has her patron saint, and all the rest have her. When she first opened it I wasn’t sure if she was glad or not. There wasn’t much of a reaction. We looked through the book with her and told her who some of the people were. Later I saw her flipping through it on her own and when I approached her she said, “This is a nice quiet thing for me to do.” And then the next day she said she was going to have to make sure she took really good care of it. I think it was a hit.

We also gave Shaeleigh her own room. She and her brother have been sharing a room, but she has been asking to have her own room for about a month now. We finally got around to pulling out the bed from the garage and setting it up. It’s very high, so we call it her “princess” bed. She is very excited. Her brother is very upset. He wants her to stay in his room.

On Shaeleigh’s birthday we were at the church cleaning. It was the annual cleaning day. There were many people helping this year. It was really nice to see everyone pitching in, and I think a lot of sorting and cleaning was accomplished since there were so many hands to help. It made me glad to be a part of a community like that. I’m never quite sure how people manage without a good church community. I also don’t understand how people manage who only show up Sunday and then rush out the door. What’s the point? Of course, that could be the total extravert in me showing up. :P

Now, what else? Do you want to know that I was really frustrated last night? I do the Parish Council minutes and we had a meeting tonight but I hadn’t finished the minutes from the last meeting. They needed to be done so that I could read them for approval today. Usually I do them up earlier to e-mail out for review. I keep thinking I’m not doing a very good job. I’m always behind. They always need corrections. It feels very time consuming. So I was tired and venting last night.

I need to interject here. I have the best husband in the world. Because I was feeling so miserable and disheartened, he went out at some point after midnight and picked me up a Pepsi and some gummy worms. He wrapped them up and put them in my lunch with a lovely note that made me realize that he is a gift from God. Alright, well, when I saw all that sugar I was thinking he wasn’t helping me in the losing weight department. But I LOVE gummies and Pepsi. So I ate the gummies and drank about half the Pepsi. I left the other half for tomorrow. Oh, and by the way, me, the sugar addict, thought both were very VERY sweet. I couldn’t believe how sweet they tasted. In fact, I don’t remember pop and candy ever tasting so sweet. And I enjoyed them immensely.

I was talking with the Council Chair about my frustration after the meeting tonight and mentioned that I’m not sure I should be doing this job. She was very encouraging. And then I realized that maybe it’s my pride stepping up to the plate with a different face. I don’t like the corrections that other council members make because I want to be right. I don’t like to be corrected. *pause* Nope. Still don’t have a handle on that humility thing.

Well, I had to stay up for half an hour after I took my iron tonight, but I really need to get some rest. So I’ll sign off now. If there is anything else you wanted to know, it’ll have to wait for another day. :D

My Fortune Cookie Reads....

Naomi’s blog had an entry about "Your Birthday" I clicked the link and entered my birthday. It was interesting, but the only thing of note was this:

Your fortune cookie reads:
Funny thing about humility. Just when you think you've got it, you've lost it.

That seemed very appropriate, somehow.

Returning to Paradise?

So I haven’t been on the computer much. Well, at least not the internet. I’ve been playing a game called Aura Fate of the Ages. I love these kinds of games. I remember visiting a friend who had Myst and I’m afraid I totally ignored her because I was playing the silly computer game. I know it’s a little late, but I’m really sorry for doing that to you (you know who you are). So I’m trying to only play it after the kids go to bed so I’m only ignoring Bruce. *embarrassed* The only problem is, I have some other stuff I need to do, too. Some stuff is getting done – like I helped clean some of the kitchen the other night. But I have boxes from the garage that I need to go through that are sitting in the kitchen and living room, and I have minutes to finish typing up and get out to parish members.

We had a retreat this weekend at church. Fr. Joseph W. Copeland from Yakima, Washington - Holy Cross Church came and spoke to us regarding Returning to Paradise. It was very interesting and I, personally, thought it was much better than the Nativity Retreat we had. Bradley Nassif spoke to us in December. And he had a lot of good information to give us. But the difference between him and Fr. Joseph was that Fr. Joseph breathed God. I don’t know how else to explain it, really. And while I think I understood what Fr. Joseph was telling us, I’m not sure I can live it. I’d like to, but I lack the drive/desire/determination. I am far too prideful and selfish and lazy. I mentioned to a lady in our parish that I am those things, and she was kind enough to say that she doesn’t see that. Do you know what, though? The deeper I dig into Orthodoxy, the more I realize how far from the mark I am. I still want to see God, but am afraid that I never will. I still want to be wise, but realize how foolish I really am. I want to have the heart of God, but realize my pride and selfishness stand in the way. And while a part of me would like to just give up and call it hopeless, the other part of me is too stubborn to throw in the towel.

I really need to read the lives of the Saints and the writings of the Church Fathers.

And about the food thing – I haven’t really started over again per se. But I am walking to work again. My portions have still been large, and I’m eating more sugar foods than I should. I think I need to WANT to change. I’m comfortable with my eating habits, and having food be my comfort. And, I’m lazy and undisciplined.

*sigh*

I hope you don’t read this thinking that I’m beating myself up and think that I’m the worst person in the world. I’m not. I know everyone has his or her struggles. And whether we like to admit it or not, we are all proud. I get that now. We are all motivated by pride in one form or another. It’s good at hiding. It’s hard to be truly humble.

I am truly glad for the Grace of God.

Beginning Again

I haven’t been blogging again. I know… that’s a surprise. Not really. There have been a couple of reasons why. First, who cares? Why am I writing all this down anyway? Second, I was telling someone the other day that I didn’t just fall off the food wagon. I’ve jumped off.

Summary: I stepped on the scale today and have gained back all the weight I had lost the previous 3 weeks. Of course, the reason why probably began with the huge tray of cinnamon buns that our family consumed in one day. I’m pretty sure I ate about half the tray by myself. Keep in mind, this isn’t just a little tray that most people have in their homes. I had borrowed some trays from a friend and they held about 2 dozen large cinnamon buns per tray. The tray we ate were the ends and little pieces, so they were more like cinnamon pullaparts. But they were hot and fresh right out of the oven. They were really good. Also, I haven’t been walking to work. I’ve been riding my bike because I’ve been leaving later. That doesn’t burn as many calories as walking does. And I’ve been eating like a pig. Bruce made a dried fruit and seed mixture the other day. He gave me a container for work that was supposed to last me a few days, and I ate it all in one day! I’ve been eating in the evenings, and taking second helpings at supper.

AAARRRRGGGHHHH!!!!

*sigh*

Now I’m going to have to start all over from the beginning.

So, tomorrow begins day one. Starting weight: 201 pounds.

Superhero Test

Brendan would like this:

Your results:
You are Spider-Man

Spider-Man 80% Green Lantern 80% Wonder Woman 67% Superman 65% Iron Man 60% Batman 50% Hulk 50% Supergirl 47% Robin 42% The Flash 40% Catwoman 35%

You are intelligent, witty, a bit geeky and have great power and responsibility.

Click here to take the Superhero Personality Quiz

Another Catch-Up Post

I’m not sure I can even remember what has been happening with me. I can hardly believe it has been this long since I’ve last posted. Uhhh…. So, let’s see….

Sunday Day 18: I know we went to church in the morning. Then we came home and I had the bright idea that we could work on cleaning out the garage. The kids were left to their own devices for the most part while we piled box after box out of the garage. So, everything is mostly sorted. We have a pile of boxes for the church garage sale in May. Bruce brought in the boxes of books because they had been rifled through as we’ve looked for books over time. A few boxes from my mom’s made it into the house to be sorted through, including the cross stitch stuff. I organized my trunk in the living room and it has all the cross stitch and candles in it now. I moved the covered hanger stuff because I ran out of room. Unfortunately, we discovered 2 boxes got wet in the garage. Out of all the possibilities, the ones that got wet were a box with kids books that I was saving for my kids when they were older. They were books that were mine or my mom’s. A classic edition of Alice in Wonderland and Alice Through the Looking Glass, Little Women, Little Men, Swiss Family Robinson, Tom Sawyer, Hans Christian Anderson Fairy Tale Classics, and a compilation of fairy tales that was my mom’s from her favourite aunt and uncle. It was my mom’s book that I cried over. Brendan saw me crying, and I think he was quite upset to see how upset I was. I was also devastated that the other box that got wet was a box of pictures. They were my dad’s photos which had a ton of family pictures. I can’t even express how awful I feel since some of the pictures didn’t have negatives, and I think a lot of the negatives have been ruined also. Bruce is supposed to take the negatives to a photo shop to see if we can salvage them and get the pictures onto a CD or something. I just feel sick about it.

Monday Day 19: I don’t know what happened with this day. I think I walked to and from work, and it snowed. But I don’t remember anything else. Maybe it was an imaginary day.

Tuesday Day 20: Yesterday I caught the bus for part of the way to work because I slipped on some ice I couldn’t see. It had snowed overnight and the ground was covered with a light snowfall. Since it was the Feast of the Annunciation at church with a liturgical service and communion, I walked straight from work to church. After the service we had a fish fry feast at someone’s house. It was a good time. I was a little worried about Bruce, though, because he has not been sleeping well and seemed stressed and a little down. I think he ended up being okay by the end and we all had a good time. I feasted in the evening with everyone else. This Lent thing is not helping my diet for not eating after 7. Especially since I fast from lunch until after taking communion. I wonder how the Muslims keep from gaining weight during their month of fasting.

Wednesday Day 21: I had a doctor’s appointment today. I needed to get a full physical done including a pap test. (yay. not) I found out that I’m actually a fairly healthy sick person. I don’t have diabetes, my cholesterol is good, and I’m not anemic. I do still have to lose weight, although the doctor seemed to think I'd be okay so long as I get to at least 180 pounds. I said I’d like to get to 160 even though my ideal weight is 140. But because I carry most of it on my bum, I think I can get away with being a ‘little’ heavier. At the doctor’s office I weighed 196 pounds and my blood pressure was 112/72.

So there is my exciting life. I’m pretty sure if anyone had insomnia, this would put them to sleep. Which is where I’m going to go now.

Catch Up for This Week

Wow! The week has gone by so fast. I can hardly believe we’re at the end of Saturday already.

Recap of my week:

Tuesday Day 13: Went to work. I think I was running late so caught the bus part way. Then had Parish Council after work, so got home late.

Wednesday Day 14: I think I caught the bus again. Because we had the Presanctified Liturgy in the evening, I fasted from lunch on, and had smoothie for breakfast/snack/lunch in the morning. Then I ate soup and buns with everyone after church. I had 2 helpings of soup – it was really good.

Thursday Day 15: I walked to work and walked home. I raced myself for the walk home and I think it was the fastest I’ve ever done. Just over 40 minutes (maybe about 43 or so). Bruce had a meeting, but I didn’t. But I finally made time to watch The Ark of Truth. It was good. I started watching some of the special features, too. I’m looking forward to seeing more. My eating went out the window. I had Tootsie Rolls for dessert after supper and snacked on Corn Pops during the movie. I was feeling sugared out.

Friday Day 16: Even though it was Good Friday on the Western calendar, I had arranged with my boss to work so that I can have our Good Friday off without having to take a holiday day. I drove to work because I woke up late and needed to take a shower. By the time I left, there was no way I’d make it to work in decent time (even though nobody else was going to be there), so I drove. It was an okay day, but ISC was really frustrating because the web site was running really slowly so I couldn’t really get done some of the stuff I wanted to do. I also didn’t stick to the whole “only fruits and vegetables” on Fridays during Lent. (Bruce and I were going to do that. It's not an Orthodox tradition. We talked about it and decided that maybe that was a bit overeager and too much for us.) I sort of pigged out on nuts and crackers. After work was Youth. Only 2 of the guys showed up, but Father Bernard talked to us about the Akathist to the Theotokos, we participated in the service, and then we went downstairs to eat popcorn and play some games. I was really glad a couple of the other guys in church stayed to play, too. It was a good time even though we were a small group. Afterward I felt as though I wasn’t really focused, but I hope nobody really noticed.

Today Day 17: We took the kids to see The Pirates Who Don’t Do Anything in the cheap theatre. We promised them that if they waited we would buy popcorn and treats as well as the movie. The result is we showed up a little early and bought some New York Fries in the food court (which I wolfed down far too many), then I ate most of a large Kit Kat chocolate bar, drank a huge glass of Dr. Pepper, ate one of Brendan's Twizzlers and then munched on some popcorn even though I was already bloated and starting to not feel well. By the time we left the movie I was feeling so sick to my stomach. It didn’t help that all day today (from the time I woke up this morning) my back has been hurting all the way up into my head. When we got home I lied down and had a nap before taking the kids to Church School and going to Vespers. Then I had some of the wheat stuff that is offered for the dead as there were two memorials tonight at the service. I ate too much and am still a little dehydrated, I think. I need to make sure I drink quite a bit of water before I go to bed tonight.

So, I should probably step on the scale to see where I am. I’m guessing after the awful lack-of-control week I had, I’m not going to like the result. Well, I’ll go see anyway…..

Weight: 198.5

Ouch. That’s what I get for binging and not walking.

Happy St. Patrick's Day

Today was the first day in 2008 that I rode my bike to work. Wow, was that ever hard. I was huffing and puffing by the time I pulled into the parking lot at work. When I got in, our receptionist asked how my ride was and I told her I had jelly-legs. I even had to stop to rest at one point before coming the last little way because I was finding even the little hills tough. She laughed and said I was like this every Spring when I start riding again. But I really don’t remember it being quite this hard. I’d never had to stop before.

Bruce has to take my bike in to the shop, though. The handle bars are loose, and neither of us are capable of tightening them. Remember, we’re geeks, not jocks. Apparently there are some boys at school that call Brendan a nerd, and he doesn’t like it. Unfortunately, he comes by it honestly. We are a nerdy family – and a geeky family. I think Shaeleigh may be the most normal one out of the bunch of us, but she’s only 5 still. Give her a few years.

I was listening to a broadcast about fasting on Come Receive the Light at the Orthodox Christian Network’s website. It was interesting. Many people in the Church have been asking me how I’m doing with Lent this year. It’s my first Great Lent as an Orthodox Christian, although we did the Nativity Fast before Christmas. But it is our third year of being at St. Vincent’s through Lent, and we had given up other things through Lent before. I mentioned to someone else about how we’ve done Lent before, and she commented that we are all in a state of progression, though, and that we all learn through Lent how to fast. That it takes time. And the broadcast I listened to mentioned how people often go gung-ho at the beginning of Lent, and then peter off as it continues. I mentioned for me what is difficult is that while we are doing Lent, I’m also having to rethink my eating habits in general – which will need to last beyond Lent. So it’s felt like I would have had a huge change anyway.

Day 12 - I have been finding that I often feel hungry, but when I’m hungry I also feel kind of sick. This is not a new to Lent thing, I had noticed it before Lent, too. Bur then I would just generally eat to try to make that feeling go away, then I’d eat and feel bloated and gross. Whenever I go for my appointments at the CRI clinic, they ask me if food tastes bad. The food doesn’t taste bad, but I never seem to feel very good whether I’m eating or not.

I’m tired of feeling tired. And I’m done with not feeling 100%. If it’s going to get worse than this, I need to learn to not complain as much, because otherwise I’ll be complaining all the time.

Oh, and I haven’t eaten after 7 even though I was making lunches and there was a lot of yummy food that I would have loved to munch on. I’m looking forward to my lunch tomorrow. I have rice with BBQ lentils, salad, fruit salad, and rice pudding (sort of).

Day 11

Being Sunday, of course we went to church this morning. But because it is the first Sunday of Lent, the service went fairly long. Our sanctuary was very full. We are in the process of looking for a new building because our parish is growing, and today was one of those days when you could see why we need it. After the service we had our usual lunch. There was no dessert, so I wasn’t tempted then. But then this evening was the Sunday of Orthodoxy service with food afterward. I did have a piece of chocolate cake. But since I’ve been cutting back on the food I eat in general, I thought it was okay. I refrained from taking more than one dessert, so I’m still glad about that. We ate a little late, but I haven’t eaten since then.

I was worried I was going to get a headache because I lost my peripheral vision while we were at church this evening. But other than a dull ache, it’s not bad. But I am going to go to sleep right away and hopefully will feel 100% in the morning.

Days 9 & 10 - And the Akathist

Sorry for not posting yesterday. It was a busy evening. I went to the Akathist to the Theotokos and then went out for coffee with some friends. I wasn’t going to go because it was after 7 p.m. and I knew if I went out I’d be tempted to eat. But I decided to join them anyway when I got home and realized that Bruce, Richard & Mark were going to be meeting together, which meant I’d be stuck in the bedroom. After I went for coffee I realized that I could have watched The Ark of Truth, but by then I was already mostly at the restaurant. It was nice to visit, but I did eat. We had shrimp and onion rings. I ate about 4 shrimp, a couple pieces of bread and 3 onion rings. When I got home I felt kind of sick to my stomach because I’d been doing smoothies all day, so hadn’t really eaten anything. That and the onion rings were greasy, which I haven’t done for a while, either.

I went to the Akathist because next week Father Bernard is going to talk with the Youth about what the Akathist service means and then we are going to participate in the service. I’ve never been to this service before, so thought I should attend at least one before being there with the Youth. I still don’t know what I think about the whole service. But it was interesting to hear Mary referred to as the Bride of God and the Mother of God. In a way, she was both. I’m not sure I can verbalize what I’m thinking, though. Let’s see if I can try. This may be fuzzy and convoluted.

Mary is believed in the Orthodox Church to have had an extraordinary beginning. Tradition says that she was raised in the Temple, and when she grew older wanted to remain there. However, because she was a woman, she could not and so it was arranged for her to be betrothed to an older man so that she could maintain her chastity but would still be taken care of. Keep in mind that betrothal was not like an engagement now-a-days. It was much more committed and required divorce to separate, and yet the couple had not yet consummated the marriage. I would assume that they were prepared to remain this way indefinitely. Then the whole thing about Mary being pregnant came out, Joseph said he’d divorce her quietly, Joseph found out he shouldn’t, and the story goes on.

Theotokos means ‘God Bearer.’ Mary carried God in her womb. Now stop for a minute and think about that. The God of the Universe, the God before all Creation, the God who created you and me and the animals and the trees, the Almighty, All-Powerful, All-Knowing God was inside Mary. Mary – the Mother of God. Can you imagine carrying God in your womb? That’s a pretty big deal. God the Father gave Mary God the Son to carry. As much as I can say that God could have chosen anyone (and He could have), He chose Mary. Only one person could be chosen. This isn’t a role multiple people can have. It’s only happened once and will never happen again. So no matter how much I’d like to think that I could be like Mary, or that Mary could’ve been like any other woman, that’s not true. No other woman in history, or in the future for that matter, is like Mary.

And can I truly say that Mary would have born the Son of God, God Himself, and not been changed? She truly would have been blessed. It’s a blessing to carry any child in a pregnancy. Woman in general are blessed to be able to carry the image of God in the form of another human being and have it bring forth life. But to carry God. That’s almost unbelievable. And I can see the point that she is due honour simply because of who she is. Although I come from a culture that doesn’t really give honour to people just because of who they are. Maybe if I grew up in a monarchy where it was expected to honour the king or queen, I’d understand a little better. But I’m not in that. I’m in a culture where informality is respected more and the expectation is that I will honour someone who has done something to deserve the honour – earned the right of my honour – rather than someone who just is. It’s easy to think that Mary didn’t really ‘do’ anything. She just said, “Yes,” to God. And it’s easy enough for me to think that if I were asked something like that of God, I would say, “Yes,” too. But I wasn’t asked, so it becomes a moot point.

The fuzzy part for me is the difference between honouring Mary and worshipping God. I guess it’s because I don’t have a clear understanding of the practical difference between the two.

So I didn’t post all the above because by the time I went to bed it was about 11 p.m. and I’ve been wanting to get to bed by 10 p.m. during Lent.

So now here it is almost 11 again tonight, and I’m not in bed. But I had a lot to say, and didn’t think I could wait another day before saying it. So, I’ll start on today’s thoughts.

Today I went to a friend’s place to learn how to bake Prosphora bread and to go for a walk. I did both. The walk wasn’t as fast a pace as what I walk to work in the mornings (maybe because I wasn’t running late, or maybe because I was visiting while walking), but I really enjoyed today’s walk. Work is so much more fun when you do it with someone else.

We finished the first round of canvassing for The Kidney Foundation while the kids were at Church School. We’ll try again tomorrow, and then call it quits. I think we’ve done well, though. We didn’t get much door-to-door, but the people who know me and know I’ve been collecting donations have been generous. I said to someone that I think people are more likely to give who know me and know what I’m going through than someone at the door. Strangers have no reason to think about The Kidney Foundation unless they know someone personally; whereas, people who know me know that I’m going through the process of working toward a kidney transplant – and they most likely also know that both my kids have PKD. Making it personal makes a huge difference in perspective.

I also ran into a friend from Living Hope today. It was nice to visit. We were standing in the store for about an hour. I’m so glad for times like that. How do we pick the good or great things in our lives that we will spend our time on. We have so many choices now and can’t possibly do everything. God give me wisdom.

So my eating today was okay, overall, I think. I had a second helping at lunch, but that was because I hadn’t really had breakfast (unless you count 2 cups of coffee as breakfast. It was decaf). And I filled my plate more than once at supper, but it was because first I had a portabella mushroom burger with sweet potatoe fries and then I had spinach and strawberry salad. After 7 all I had was a piece of the bread from the memorial service at vespers tonight.

Sometimes I have felt light-headed, and I’m not sure if that’s because of the Lenten food, or that I’m not eating enough, or just because that’s what is happening to my body. I’ve also felt sick to my stomach, but that was happening before going to the surgeon and doing this diet change stuff.

Day 8

Stepped on the scale: 197 pounds

Haven’t eaten after 7 and for the first night in a few I’m still feeling full. I actually feel as though I ate too much today. I’m stuffed.

I commented to someone today that there are quite a few sweet foods that I’ve noticed more since cutting back on my sugar intake. For example, I had some carrots and green peppers today and they both tasted fairly sweet. I also had a cinnamon salt water taffy candy that someone gave me. But one was enough. I had been given two of them, but limited myself to just one. It tasted really sweet. Maybe it’ll be like salt. Once I cut back long enough, I’ll notice more when things are extra sweet just like I notice things that are extra salty.

PKD & My Faith

I had a conversation today with someone regarding my PKD and my faith. It was interesting because on my walk to work I realized that there is so much brokenness in me. Most of my actions stem from pride. I think I have a lot to say, when in actual fact, there isn’t much good that I do have to say. Everything I say comes from me and my brokenness. I may know a little bit, but nothing like the wisdom that I think I spout.

And I have seriously hurt at least two women in my life. And I was realizing how much I had hurt them with my words. And I feel as though there is nothing I can do to make up for those words spoken years ago. How do I take back hurt? How do I fix hurt feelings and cutting someone to the quick? I still carry around careless words that have been tossed at me by others. Words they have probably long since forgotten and hadn’t even realized when speaking them that I would keep them and hold them and pull them out every once in a while to analyze them.

Well, about my PKD and my faith… I had mentioned that I need to talk with my priest about getting permission to at least keep hydrated by drinking some water while fasting before communion. She was quite horrified to think that I would allow myself to be hurt physically to follow my beliefs. I know she was acting out of concern, and I hadn’t really thought about what she had said until we discussed it again. At which point I said that I am in the process of learning how to live out my faith with PKD. I could easily use my disease as an excuse to get out of following what the Church asks of us. I could rationalize saying, “Well, because my iron levels are low and I need protein but have to watch my potassium levels, I need to eat red meat during lent still.” That’s not entirely true. I can get my iron from other sources. I can get my protein from other sources. It’s just difficult to learn what I can and cannot eat. I’m having to learn what is in the food I eat and how it affects me. I can no longer just sit back and stuff my face with whatever I want and thank God that he made me so that my body will figure out what to keep and what to throw away.

I live in a society that is self-serving and demands instant gratification. It is through following the advice of the Church that will help me. That, and the Grace of God – because I cannot do this on my own.

Two for the Price of One

Yesterday I attempted to post, but got so frustrated I gave up and went to bed instead. I type my blog entries in Word first and then copy and paste it into Blogger. But on the new computer I wasn’t able to use apostrophes. They kept showing up wrong and would have the red underlining saying it was spelled incorrectly. Now any normal, rational human being would probably just keep going with the entry and fix the apostrophes when they were done. I was not a rational human being yesterday. For some reason I was grouchy, grumpy and moody. I was short with the kids while they were getting ready for bed. I had to apologize to Brendan today because he had tried to show me a sentence of his which said I made great waffles, but I essentially ignored him. My brain space doesn’t appear to be much better tonight. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m tired all the time and am grouchy more often. I don’t know how people with insomnia survive.

Day 6 Yesterday I think my eating went well. Except Brendan bought a box of Frootloops and I had a few dry ones in a bowl. I walked to work and otherwise ate well. Like I said above, though, I was grouchy. I cleaned up the kitchen, though. Whenever I’m mad I clean. I don’t know exactly what I was upset/mad/angry about, but whatever it was, I vented on the kitchen. Which means that the wonderful, thoughtful, loving gift my husband gave me didn’t get watched. When Bruce picked me up from work yesterday, he had The Ark of Truth sitting on my seat. I started watching it, but never finished because, like I said, I was grouchy and cleaned instead.

Day 7 For Lent Bruce and I said we were going to try to do just fruits and vegetables (mostly juicing) on Wednesdays and Fridays. I had smoothie for breakfast and smoothie for lunch. Then we had the Presanctified Liturgy tonight, so typically as a church we are to fast completely before taking communion anyway. It is recommended to fast from breakfast, but at least from lunch. I fasted from lunch on. The Nut Lady even came by work, but I’ve said that I’m going to stop buying snacks from her seeing as I’d most likely buy jubjubs or chocolate or other sugar stuff. The only thing is that after the service we have soup and bread downstairs. I picked the leek soup, but ended up having bread and jam. It was cherry jam. Cherries are my favourite. I had 3 helpings of bun and jam. Oops.

I also said I want to try to be in bed by 10 every night for Lent. It’s after 10 now, so I’m going to post this and head to bed.

First Day of Lent

The first day of Lent. I want to visit the guild at Neopets. I even try to justify it saying to myself, “I’ll just peek in. I won’t post anything. I’ll just look!” Also, cheese would have tasted really good in the soup tonight.

Day 5 – I was hungry earlier today. Right after supper I wasn’t hungry. I just wanted to eat. Now I am hungry and still want to eat. I saw someone with red licorice earlier today and wanted some. My daughter offered me some of her candy after supper. I told her I would love some, but I can’t eat it right now.

I walked to work. I had a decent lunch and one helping at supper. I even limited myself to one slice of bread with my soup tonight. But I’m also really tired. I’m not sure if it`s because of needing sleep or because I`m used to more calories. Either way, I`m heading to bed right away.

Forgiveness Vespers

This evening was Forgiveness Vespers. Part of the service is where we go to every member do a prostration (get on our knees and bow our head to the floor, then get up again) and say, “I have sinned against God and against you. Would you please forgive me?” The response is “God forgives you and I forgive you.” Then we give the kiss of peace and sometimes also a hug. We do this before Lent to prepare for the upcoming time of penance to make sure there isn’t anything between us and others in the parish that would hinder our relationship with God. Not that we don’t go up to people individually when we realize we need to ask for forgiveness, but it is very cleansing and a new beginning.

Day 4 So, even though I didn’t do any walking today, my legs are quite sore from all the prostrations. I don’t know for sure how many people there were, but I’d guess at least 30 or 40. I ate one of the last pieces of cheesecake, but I managed to skip past the ice cream for dessert after lunch at church. Now, I LOVE ice cream. I always say that it doesn’t matter how full you are, ice cream just melts and fills in the cracks. Now I won’t get any until after Pascha (April 27).

Once again we’ve come to the evening and I am hungry. I think my eating schedule is just all messed up because I don’t really eat much during the day. But I must have eaten more in the evenings because since I’ve started not eating after 7 pm, I’ve noticed the last couple days that I’m hungry by the time I go to bed. Well, being a little hungry is good for me.

For Lent I hope to do some more reading and spend less time on the computer. I didn’t say goodbye at the Neopet guild this time. I feel like I say goodbye and then keep showing up. I’m pretty sure they think I’ll never actually leave. *lol* But that’s sort of typical. I would often say good night on the message board and still be posting comments an hour later. Goodbye just means see you later, really.

Day 3

• Bruce bought a new computer with his birthday money. He has been spending all day working on getting everything up and running.

• I had some work to do today, so I decided to walk since I’m supposed to get an hour in anyway. I got my work done then had Bruce pick me up.

• I haven’t eaten after 7 tonight, but I’m really hungry at the moment. I think the reason why is because I didn’t get out of bed until really late this morning, so by the time I had breakfast it was almost lunch time, and I didn’t have much at supper time (a banana and glass of milk). I did have another slice of cheesecake earlier, though.

• My back has still been so sore. When I put my head down, I can feel all the muscles pull from my neck to my waist. It’s making me feel tired all the time and like I can’t think clearly.

• I feel as though I’ve wasted my day because I haven’t done anything really productive around the house. Then again, I’ve noticed that lately it seems as though I’ve been feeling more down about a lot of things. I’m not sure that I’d say depressed, but certainly not as chipper as usual.

• We’ve found a new show that looks interesting. It is on Global and I’ve seen it twice now. But both times I’ve missed the beginning and don’t know what it’s called. I’ll have to do a search on Global’s website to find out what it is. (Apparently it’s called Painkiller Jane, and from what I can tell, it’s not going to continue running. And, as usual, it premiered almost a year ago, and I just found out about it. The joys of peasant-vision :D)

• This whole kidney transplant thing kind of feels like…. Oh, I don’t know…. Like… a time bomb that someone has set and no one has any idea when it’s going to go off. I’m hoping it will be 10 years or more, but I just don’t know. Sometimes I wish it would be nice to be a teenager again – not that I want to actually live through those years – but to not realize how mortal I really am. Sometimes ignorance is bliss.

Day 2

Once again it is very late. Therefore a very quick update.

I walked to work but Bruce gave me a ride home. I had youth tonight and so needed to get home in good time.

I did not have seconds, but did have a nicely sized (meaning not small but not huge) piece of the cheesecake I made. It was very yummy, but I had to make the crust with regular graham cracker crumbs, and it is much better with the chocolate ones. Recipe is as follows:

1. Combine 1 ¼ cups chocolate crumbs with ¼ cup melted butter. Press on bottom of 9 in. springform pan.
2. Beat 3 pkgs (250 g each) softened cream cheese and ¾ cup sugar until smooth, Add 3 eggs, one at a time, and mix until just blended. Stir in 6 squares semi-sweet chocolate (melted and cooled) and ¼ cup Amaretto liqueur. (Note: I used about 6 oz melted semisweet chocolate chips because hubby bought unsweetened chocolate instead of semisweet. It still turned out nice)
3. Bake at 350F for 45-50 min. or until centre is almost set. Cool completely, then refrigerate 3 hr or overnight. Add the finishing touch – drizzle melted chocolate and top with toasted almonds.

My cake always cracks, but after I drizzle chocolate and add the almonds (and sometimes I drizzle more chocolate on top of the almonds) you can’t really tell until you are cutting into it.

Then I went to Youth. I was surprised to find out that our regular youth didn’t come, but we had one who has been coming bring a friend and one new person show up. I taught the lesson (which I hope went well) and then we tried to do Bigger and Better. I say tried because we didn’t get a very positive response from most of the people we asked. There were underdressed girls who were getting cold, so we decided to quit and went to Tim Hortons to grab something to warm up. (btw – two of the cold girls ordered Iced Caps. Go figure) But before we got there I decided to stop at home because I knew we had something to give that would be bigger and better. So each of the girls (there were 3 of them) went home with something nice.

And I’m proud to say, all I had at Timmy’s was hot water. *pat on the back*

Okay, now it’s off to bed for me.

A New Start

Earlier today I was thinking I should track my progress with this whole losing weight thing. So, I’ll weigh myself periodically and see how I’m doing. My starting weight: 202 lbs.

Day 1 – I started walking to work, but it was freezing out, so caught the bus to go part way (about 20 minutes of my walk). Walking to work usually takes about 50 minutes, so I figure that is the best way to get my hour of walking a day in. Because I didn’t walk all the way to work, I walked home. Eating: I haven’t eaten anything since 7 p.m. I didn’t have seconds at supper, either, but did have popcorn until 7 :P. Also, I think I cheated a little about the no desserts thing. Oh, I didn’t have any dessert, but I did add hot chocolate to my coffee at work. Two or three times. Oh, and I made a chocolate cheesecake for Bruce's birthday tomorrow. I will be eating dessert for his birthday.

I joined Facebook the other day and have found a ton of people that I haven’t been in touch with since, well, since elementary school. Some are from high school and some are from college. Makes me wish I’d joined Facebook a while ago. Of course, now I feel like I’m trading one computer addiction for another. Facebook is replacing Neopets. Well, Lent is just around the corner, so that will limit my computer time. Hopefully.

No Desserts?!?!

I began a post about how my day was as it was an interesting day. The only problem is, I’m so tired I can’t seem to get the words out. So I’m going to be brief.

• I had a massage appointment this morning. My back was in bad shape and it is really sore right now still. But we got a pair of skates for Brendan.

• I had an appointment with the surgeon regarding the transplant. (1) The news: there isn’t room for a kidney to be transplanted to me without removing one of mine first. I anticipated this may be the case. (2) I need to lose weight. And the doctor was clear on how I am to do it. No dessert. No eating after 7 pm. No taking second helpings. Walk for 1 hour a day 6 days a week.

Well, I didn’t start the diet change today. I had popcorn after supper tonight. But it’s not the late night eating that’s going to be a big issue. And I’ll make sure I walk to work, so I’ll do the walking. But I want my dessert! I’m a sugar addict. How can anyone in the world live without chocolate? I’ve always said that I’m glad I’m not a diabetic. I can handle having to reduce the salt intake in my diet. But I don’t know how I’m going to do with no desserts. And especially since I love to bake.

Meatfare Sunday

Today was Meatfare Sunday. That means today is the last day we are to eat meat before Pascha. We had a potluck lunch with a lot of good food.

I’m not sure how well Great Lent will go for us this year. I’ve decided that in addition to fasting from the foods we are supposed to fast from (meat, dairy, eggs, oil and wine) I will fast from Neopets. That means I’m also going to fast from the guild site that I frequent. In the past when I have fasted from Neopets, I have still visited the guild website and participated with the activities there and talked with the people in the guild. This year I am going to stay away entirely and see how long it is before I go crazy! *lol* Just kidding. Although even though I’ve said I was going to quit Neopets, I haven’t managed to entirely break the addiction. I was away for a short while, and then started peeking in occasionally, and now I think I log in every day again. I haven’t done dailies every day or tried to make neopoints (except for occasionally peeking in on my stock market stocks), but I had been playing some of the guild games and ran a round of What is IT? That’s a game where I think of an “IT” and everyone else has to guess what IT is by asking questions that I can answer ‘yes’ or ‘no.’ The only problem is that visiting Neopets and the guild has begun to take up time again that I should be using for other things. So I need to kick the habit. Again.

It makes me feel a little bad because I feel as though I have some sort of relationship with some of the people in the guild. I don’t talk with these people outside of the guild, and yet they are all important to me in one way or another. But it’s like anything in life -- if you don’t continue to run in the same circles as the people you have begun relationship with, eventually time passes and you realize that you haven’t seen nor talked with people for quite a while. Then can you really still call them “friend?” That has happened to many people from our previous church. I care about them still, but don’t make the effort to contact them.

Although I have heard people suggest that can we really call people we know just on the computer “friend?” I’d like to think so. But what I know of someone through a computer screen may or may not be what I would know them like if we knew each other face-to-face. And I can assume that people know who I am and what I am like through the computer, but do they really? Everything I say is merely words on a screen. You don’t see my facial expression or read my body language. I can put my best foot forward so you see only what I want to write.

What is most disheartening is it sometimes appears that some people I have met online don’t really have the physical support of friends around. Bruce & I have many friends and a community of support. I can’t imagine a world where I would feel totally isolated and alone. Does that really happen?

On the Ark I was listening to someone talk about different family types. There were 3 different family types. I don’t remember what they were called. All I remember is that our society in North America is like the third type in which family groups are often long distances apart and not very close. We stress independence and are, therefore, more isolated. The person who was the expert also mentioned that in his studies he found that throughout history this type of family dominated in highly advanced civilizations just prior to their demise.

Every once in a while, lately, one or both of my kids will say that they are going to live close to us when they grow up so that they can visit us all the time. And while I am looking forward to seeing them gain their independence (although not for a while yet), I must admit that I hope they find their careers and spouses close to us. Either that or I hope they both find a similar place and then I’ll move to be closer to them. A little pathetic? Maybe. But I hope to be available no matter how old they are. Available, but not pushy. God give me the wisdom I’m going to need as my kids gain independence.

Well, originally I was going to talk about how for Lent this year I’m hoping we (Bruce & I) will be able to do mostly just juicing and vegetables. We keep diary in the kids’ diet and will need to ensure they get healthy amounts of protein. *looks up* I guess I went off on a bunny trail and will discuss our Lenten plans another post.

Birthday Party

Even though Brendan’s birthday is in December, we finally had his birthday party today. He invited 3 friends to come over. They skated on our rink in the back for a little while before having a hot dog lunch. The ice on the rink is in rough shape as the weather has been really warm here so there are holes in the ice and dirt is poking through in some spots. I think the boys still enjoyed themselves.

After lunch we gave the boys a brown paper lunch bag, marker and stickers to decorate their goodie bags. This is an idea we read about a few years ago and have been pleased to use it for our kids’ birthday parties ever since. The kids love to get a bag that they have shown their creativity on.

And then there are 2 staple birthday games that are requested every year. Pop the Balloon and Unwrap the Present. For Pop the Balloon Bruce and I come up with things the kids can do, like 10 jumping jacks, singing a song, who’s your favourite superhero, etc. - things that are age and gender appropriate. We put the slips of paper with the instructions into the balloons and the kids go down the hall where all the balloons are, pick a balloon, bring it back to the living room, pop it, read the instructions (or have an adult read it for them) and then do what the instructions say. We usually have a few balloons per kid including 2 balloons that say to go pick another balloon and 2 saying pick a prize. This is the first time where Brendan picked both balloons with the prize.

Then we played unwrap the present. I spent about 3 hours last night wrapping a DVD many, many times. We put one of Brendan's favrourite CD's on (No More Mr. Nice Guy by Pat Boone) and while the music is playing the boys passed the present. I had to tell them it was like a hot potato because they kept holding onto the present. The reason why they were holding onto it is because when the music stops whoever is holding the present gets to unwrap it until the music starts up again. When the kids were younger, we used to play where when the music stopped whoever was holding the present could unwrap one layer, but since the boys are older, we changed the rules. After the first few layers I heard, “Oh! I think we’re at the present!” and then “Oh no! Another layer!” I even used bubble wrap for one layer. *lol* Two of the boys are twins, so they were holding the present together when the music was off and they both unwrapped the DVD. I think they were happy that they both won.

So since the twins were going home with a prize, we asked Brendan if he would mind giving one of his “Pick a Prize” prizes to his other friend; which he did very willingly.

After we had birthday cake, we set up the four computers that we arranged to have networked together in our house so the boys could play Combat. It was hilarious listening to them try to blow each other up. We tried to tape a little of it, but I don’t think watching the recording will do justice to see how much fun they were really having.

Then it was time for the boys to go home, we gave them their goodie bags, and all was peaceful again. I’m not sure, but I think this may be the first year that we actually remembered to send all the goodie bags home with the kids. In the past we have forgotten and then had to track the kids down later to give them their bags.

All in all it was a good party. Brendan said it was one he would never forget. I figure that means we’re good until Christmas. And I’m so thankful to everyone who helped us make it possible. We had people lend us skates and a computer. Bruce did some consulting on the phone to get the network working so the computers would talk to one other. And Shaeleigh was able to go out with her Godmother and have fun without being overrun by her brother’s friends. I am also glad there was still some ice left in the backyard. Now the snow can melt all it wants.

Reflections

I have started walking to work in the mornings again. Last year I walked quite often, but this year, for one reason or another, I haven’t walked much. It’s nice to have the extra time to do some thinking.

This morning I was thinking that considering where I was a year ago, I’ve come a long way. I have bought into this whole Orthodoxy thing hook, line and sinker. Even in January last year if someone told me I would be where I am today, I’m not so sure I would have believed them. Oh, I knew that we were going to be going to an Orthodox church. But I don’t think I would have believed that I would ever really “fit.” Now I’m involved with the youth and am responsible for taking minutes at church meetings. There are other ways I’m involved, too. I’m not one to be a part of a church without doing something. And it really feels like our community. It helps that we have a “lunch” after church every Sunday, which is a great time of fellowship. It’s so great, in fact, that it ranks among the most favourite things my kids like to do. They call it the “basement time.” If we have basement time at church, they are willing to come to anything. *lol*

And part of the reason I thought of this is because I was thinking about my paternal grandmother. She told me about how when she lived in a Communist country she had to stand up for the fact that she believed in Jesus. She wore a picture of him around her neck. When she was at work one time her boss told her she had to take it off. She looked at me (as I imagine she looked at him) and said very forcefully in her wonderful Hungarian accent, “You can put whatever communist symbol you want beside my Jesus, but I will not take my Jesus off!” I’d like to think that some of my stubbornness comes from her. Although I think some of it comes from my mom, too.

I didn’t get to grow up with that Grandma. I wish I had. I only got to know her when I was older, but she was an amazing lady. The only thing is, I wonder sometimes if she had really known me while I was growing up if she would have liked me half as much. I wasn’t a very kind teenager. I was selfish and irresponsible (even though many adults said I was very responsible for my age).

So you may be wondering what the connection between my buying into Orthodoxy and my Grandma is. While I was Protestant, I never would have thought to talk to her. Today on my way to work I asked her to pray for me. And I thanked her for being so willing to welcome me back to the family when I felt like I had no right to be there. I have so little of her – a few memories and her art that she gave as presents for our wedding. And when I was Protestant I would sometimes question her faith. Orthodoxy has enabled me to see beyond the human boundaries we put on faith. Not that I think all paths lead to God – but who am I to judge whether or not God will show His mercy and grace on another person? Maybe I would have come to that realization if we had stayed where we were. But there is so much in the Orthodox Church that has challenged my way of thinking. I find I’m often reevaluating my point of view.

I miss my loved ones who are gone now. I miss my grandparents, my mom, my birth father. Sometimes I feel like an orphan even though I still have my Dad. I’ve never been really close to my Dad. I wish that would change. I love him very much but just don’t know how to bridge the gap. Sometimes I feel so isolated from family. I’m glad for Bruce’s parents. I also have an aunt and uncle from my birthfather's family who have treated me as much a part of the family as though I'd never not been a part of it. They are all such a wonderful blessing. I just wish we lived closer.

Well, I’m not sure that I quite expected all of this to come out when I sat down to write. But I guess this is what is in me at the moment. And I wonder where I will be at this time next year.

Random Thoughts

I have been tired the last while. I’ve described to a friend that my head feels like my brain is too big for my head, and my eyes are sore. It may be that I’m coming down with a cold, or it could be because my back is so sore, it hurts. Or maybe I’m retaining water. I’ve been really thirsty today, but I think part of that is because I don’t think I drank enough yesterday.

Our youth meeting didn’t have a large turnout. I think my lesson went over okay anyway. We’re planning to do a Bigger and Better night for the next time. Hopefully we’ll get a larger turnout.

We have 3 computers in our house. I know, that sounds excessive. But really, one is about 6 years old (which I bought for Bruce), one was given to us by a family member (their old one which was in better shape than ours), and a laptop (also given to us because its owner did not need it). I mention our computers because the one I bought for Bruce (we call it the ‘corner’ computer) has been acting up for a while where it randomly shuts down when it wants to and we keep wondering how long it will last. And just recently we’ve started getting a warning on the main computer (the one given to us – not the laptop) that the hard drive is about to go. So that means our “main” computer may end up being a laptop. Or we’re thinking that when the hard drive in the main computer goes, we’ll replace it with another one (which will most likely be given to us or be cannibalized out of the corner computer). Oh the joys of technology.

This week is Teacher Appreciation week. Give a teacher a smile and word of encouragement. They work hard with the next generation of leaders.

Our kids have been on a break the last week. I think Bruce is really looking forward to school starting again tomorrow!

I think that’s it for now. My head hurts, and I’m going to bed.

Youth & Our Environment

Since after Christmas I have been teaching Youth Catechism at church. I’ve been talking about creation and how, as Christians, we are responsible for taking care of the world. When I was in Bible College I had a teacher, Tom Smith, who changed the way I thought about the world around me. He taught a class called Christians and the Environment, and he talked about the fact that we, as Protestants, had the view that “it’s all going to burn anyway,” but that we shouldn’t think that way. God demands justice for those who are weaker than ourselves, including the widowed, orphaned and alien.

So when I was given an opportunity to help teach the youth and I looked at the materials available, I was excited to see that there is the aspect of the relationship between creation and us. So far we’ve learned that God loves creation, we are kings and queens of creation, and we are priests of creation. Tonight I’m teaching about threats to creation. I’m struggling with the idea that everything I know I’m afraid the teens will already know. They are an age that is being bombarded with the fact that the generations before them have abused the world and it is their responsibility to clean up the mess and start taking better care of it.

Keep in mind, I have been nervous before every class so far. While I’m so excited to be teaching the youth, I’m afraid that I’m not qualified enough, or that I haven’t prepared enough, or I don’t know enough. I’ve been told that so far they are really enjoying coming. I hope they are learning something, too. I have.

Everywhere I look now, I see how the media is striving to educate the public on the use of energy and how we can be more “green friendly.” Sometimes I wonder why Christians haven’t been the ones behind this revolution of thought seeing as we had been given the mandate to take care of creation in the first place. Or, maybe, there are Christians behind the revolution, but it’s just that I haven’t seen them.