Reflections

I have started walking to work in the mornings again. Last year I walked quite often, but this year, for one reason or another, I haven’t walked much. It’s nice to have the extra time to do some thinking.

This morning I was thinking that considering where I was a year ago, I’ve come a long way. I have bought into this whole Orthodoxy thing hook, line and sinker. Even in January last year if someone told me I would be where I am today, I’m not so sure I would have believed them. Oh, I knew that we were going to be going to an Orthodox church. But I don’t think I would have believed that I would ever really “fit.” Now I’m involved with the youth and am responsible for taking minutes at church meetings. There are other ways I’m involved, too. I’m not one to be a part of a church without doing something. And it really feels like our community. It helps that we have a “lunch” after church every Sunday, which is a great time of fellowship. It’s so great, in fact, that it ranks among the most favourite things my kids like to do. They call it the “basement time.” If we have basement time at church, they are willing to come to anything. *lol*

And part of the reason I thought of this is because I was thinking about my paternal grandmother. She told me about how when she lived in a Communist country she had to stand up for the fact that she believed in Jesus. She wore a picture of him around her neck. When she was at work one time her boss told her she had to take it off. She looked at me (as I imagine she looked at him) and said very forcefully in her wonderful Hungarian accent, “You can put whatever communist symbol you want beside my Jesus, but I will not take my Jesus off!” I’d like to think that some of my stubbornness comes from her. Although I think some of it comes from my mom, too.

I didn’t get to grow up with that Grandma. I wish I had. I only got to know her when I was older, but she was an amazing lady. The only thing is, I wonder sometimes if she had really known me while I was growing up if she would have liked me half as much. I wasn’t a very kind teenager. I was selfish and irresponsible (even though many adults said I was very responsible for my age).

So you may be wondering what the connection between my buying into Orthodoxy and my Grandma is. While I was Protestant, I never would have thought to talk to her. Today on my way to work I asked her to pray for me. And I thanked her for being so willing to welcome me back to the family when I felt like I had no right to be there. I have so little of her – a few memories and her art that she gave as presents for our wedding. And when I was Protestant I would sometimes question her faith. Orthodoxy has enabled me to see beyond the human boundaries we put on faith. Not that I think all paths lead to God – but who am I to judge whether or not God will show His mercy and grace on another person? Maybe I would have come to that realization if we had stayed where we were. But there is so much in the Orthodox Church that has challenged my way of thinking. I find I’m often reevaluating my point of view.

I miss my loved ones who are gone now. I miss my grandparents, my mom, my birth father. Sometimes I feel like an orphan even though I still have my Dad. I’ve never been really close to my Dad. I wish that would change. I love him very much but just don’t know how to bridge the gap. Sometimes I feel so isolated from family. I’m glad for Bruce’s parents. I also have an aunt and uncle from my birthfather's family who have treated me as much a part of the family as though I'd never not been a part of it. They are all such a wonderful blessing. I just wish we lived closer.

Well, I’m not sure that I quite expected all of this to come out when I sat down to write. But I guess this is what is in me at the moment. And I wonder where I will be at this time next year.