Pascha 2008

I am so wiped. The last day of the month and work was crazy. People are back in the swing of buying and selling houses, so I am busy at work. At the moment I am tired and brain dead.

But I haven’t had a chance to sit down and write about this past weekend, and I wanted to make sure that I at least said something before too much time passes and I don’t remember as much.

Last week was Holy Week. There were services every night, and while I didn’t go to every service, we did go as a family Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday. I mentioned the Wednesday service already.

Thursday: Bruce went to the liturgy in the morning and brought me at work some blessed bread. The evening service was the reading of the passion gospels. Christ is put on the cross. I was prepared with Kleenex as last year I had cried and expected I would again this year. Surprisingly, though, I didn’t. I don’t know why. It was still a powerful service.

Friday: I took the day off for Great and Holy Friday. I had worked the Western Good Friday so that I could have ours off. I baked paska, hot cross buns, regular bread, farmer sausage and ham. Bruce baked a cherry loaf. We fasted through the whole day – which was actually a lot easier than I thought it was going to be. The hard part was not trying all the food we were making – but we couldn’t eat most of it for the most part, anyway. We prepared the rest of our food for our Easter baskets and put the baskets on a table in our living room. We mostly followed the guidelines from Nichola T. Krause. I’m wondering if it was easier to fast because I was working so hard and didn’t have much time to think about eating.

In the evening we went to the service where Christ is taken off the cross and put in the tomb. Then there was the reading of the Psalms and Lamentations as a vigil. Bruce and I stayed and had brought the kids’ blankies and stuffies, so they crawled under the benches and fell asleep. We hadn’t signed up to do any of the reading/chanting, but were asked if we would do some. Bruce has been chanting some of his prayers at home, and just before we were asked I had suggested that he go up and give one of the readers a break. Because we both went up, and because he started with chanting, I tried chanting, too. It was really great. We both loved it. He chanted the Lamentations, and I chanted the Psalms. I don’t know how it sounded to someone who is actually musical, but since neither of us are musical, we really enjoyed it.

I was a little disappointed, however. Last year Bruce and I had each signed up for an hour slot. He took the first slot from 9 to 10 and I took 11 to midnight. I took the kids home and put them to bed, Bruce came home and then I went for my shift. Bruce said there were many people at the church while he was reading, and people would come up and relieve the chanters throughout the hour. And when I went at 11, there were still quite a few people sitting in the church, and there were people even when I left. This year everyone cleared out almost right after the service and hardly anyone stayed for the vigil. I thought we’d be prepared with the kids that we would be able to stay for a good chunk of the night. Well, we were the last ones to leave (aside from Father Bernard), but we left shortly after 11. And I think for the last 20 minutes or so of our chanting we were the only ones in the sanctuary. Not that I minded that nobody was listening to us. I was just disappointed that the vigil seemed to end so early.

Saturday: There was a liturgy in the morning which we went to. Then we came home and finished up the last of the preparations for our baskets. One of the kids’ friends came over and we decorated our eggs. We tried to get the kids to lay down for a nap (that didn’t happen. But they were quiet in their rooms for an hour while we laid down). And then there was the Paschal service which started at 11:30 p.m. I was worried that we would have to do the procession around the church inside because when we woke up in the morning, there was snow on the ground. Thankfully, the snow melted throughout the day, but the evening was cold enough that the ground wasn’t all mucky, and we went outside. Shaeleigh slept through almost the whole service, but Brendan only slept for about the first half, and then was up and awake for the rest of it. After the service, we all headed downstairs to have our baskets blessed and feast. Oh boy, did we feast. We have a friend who says he doesn’t need to come to the Paschal service because Mennonites know how to celebrate. I hate to say it, but I was Mennonite before, and while we sure did fellowship, it was nothing compared to the experience of Pascha. I wish he would come and see what he was missing.

This year it seemed as though I was able to participate more because I recognized the services. It was funny because last year Father Bernard said to me that that Pascha would be extra special, but it wasn’t really. This year was far better. Maybe because I have been in communion with the Orthodox Church through this last year. Or maybe because I am more familiar with Orthodox services. Or maybe because last year I was accepting of the Orthodox Church but hadn’t fully embraced it as my own yet, and this time I have. I don’t know. But whatever the reason, this year was much more meaningful than last year. And now I don’t know how we ever got by with Easter in the Protestant world. There is no comparison. And, you know, I would get so upset and bewildered when anyone Orthodox would say that to me when I was Protestant. So I hope nobody is offended. But the more I am immersed in the Orthodox culture and faith, the more I wonder, “WHY did it take me so long to get here?”

Sunday: There was a service at the Church at 3 p.m. where many people read the gospel in different languages, and then everyone was invited over to Father Bernard’s and Presbytera Linda’s place to continue celebrating the Resurrection. It was a good time, and I had a really good chat with one of the parish members. I was so tired, I wasn’t sure I would be very good company, so that visit was nice.

Post Pascha: Now I’m still trying to recover. I have eaten nothing but meat, cheese and eggs over the last few days. Well, there has been lots of bread, too, and the occasional vegetable sneaks in. But I haven’t felt the twinge of hunger since we feasted after the service Sunday morning. I miss that feeling. I’ve actually felt sick and bloated and kind of gross.

I’ve been saying through Lent that I think I’ve been missing the point. I haven’t done a rule of prayer more. I haven’t read more. I didn’t even do a spectacular fast. But I was talking with a co-worker yesterday and realized that maybe I didn’t miss the point of Lent entirely. This year I have come to realize that I sin. Oh, I don’t mean the symptoms of sin, but the sin which motivates me. I am full of pride. I am undisciplined. I am consumed with the cares of this world instead of being consumed with eternity. I have realized that even in the situations in my life where I thought I was the victim, I have a lot to be sorry for and need to repent and apologize. I’d like to think that I’m changing. Or at the very least, even if I’m not changing, I’ve become more aware of how far from the mark that I am. I used to think I was doing pretty good. I believed when people praised me with my relationship with God. Now it all feels like vain flattery. I realize the more I wanted before is nothing compared to the more I want now. And I also realize that I’m not sure many people in my life are going to understand and will think that I’m a little radical and going too far. It’s not too far, though. In fact, it’s not far enough. And I’m not even sure that I am able. Pray that I won’t give up and that God will show mercy on me. Thank you.

Holy Unction

Yesterday was my first time participating in Holy Unction. The service is the blessing of oil for healing. Our parish celebrated the service with two other parishes. The building we were in had more pews than open space. In our building, we have a few pews but mostly open space. Our family usually stands in the open space. We found a spot in some pews, but because our kids were in a confined space, it was hard to keep them from fooling around together. So Shaeleigh and I moved to another pew. Eventually we moved again to the front because I was feeling claustrophobic. Pews are not made for standing. Orthodox services are not made for sitting. Now I see why many Eastern Orthodox churches don’t have any pews.

Because Shaeleigh hasn’t been baptized yet, I told her she couldn’t go up for the anointing of oil. She was sad. So I asked her if she would want to be baptized before Pascha next year, she said yes. I want to ask her again when we aren’t in the service to see if she will still want to, and if she does we will have to start making preparations for her baptism.

Just Busy - Time Flies

Yesterday was a busy day. I had 4 files to finish off plus other work. There was a 50th birthday at work at the end of the day. We had a dance at Brendan and Shaeleigh’s school. By the time I got home at 9:30 I was exhausted. We put the kids to bed, sat on the couch, and I fell asleep.

So other than being really busy, I don’t know that I have much to say. Lent is done. Today is Lazarus Saturday and tomorrow is Palm Sunday, and then it’s Holy Week. I don’t think I’ve done very well this Lent. For the most part I’ve kept the food fast, but I haven’t done more reading or praying than usual. I can’t believe how quickly time has gone by. I blink and we are at the end of April already. This summer will go by quickly, too, I imagine.

Complaining..... Again! *yeesh*

I am tired. And I am worried. I feel like all I’ve been doing lately is complaining. I’m a procrastinator. I wonder, “What’s wrong with me? I’m hardly doing anything and I still always feel like I have not time and don’t get done the things that I feel I need to do.” Does everyone feel like this? Or is it just me? If anything, it makes me realize I’m not perfect – as much as I’d like to wish I am. *rolls eyes* mmm, hmm.

On a positive note, I stepped on the scale. Drum roll please………… 194.5 pounds! Yay!!! And that is with eating a cupcake a day for the last 3 days (Shaeleigh’s birthday cupcakes) and having too much at supper tonight. I guess some of the little changes are paying off. I haven’t been snacking in the evening. I try to drink more water while at work. I’ve stopped putting hot chocolate in my coffee (I still use whitener), and I’ve been walking.

The next week is going to be super busy. Tomorrow I’m double booked (school dance and youth). Saturday is planning for Holy Week, then begins the marathon. Saturday evening is Vespers. Sunday morning, Liturgy. Sunday, Monday and Tuesday evenings, Bridegroom service. Wednesday, Holy Unction. Thursday, Passion Gospels. Friday – Holy Friday services including an all night vigil. Saturday morning, liturgy. Saturday night – PASCHA! The end is in sight.

Please pray for Bruce. Pray for us all, but especially for Bruce right now. Thank you.

A Birthday, Frustration, and a Wonderful Husband

A week has gone by already. I knew I hadn’t written for a while, but I can’t believe it’s been a week! I think time really must go by more quickly when you get older.

So, what is it you would like to know?

Shaeleigh’s birthday was on Saturday. She was so excited and really looking forward to her birthday. I’m afraid I was feeling a little bad because we hadn’t really spent much time in planning anything special for her. I remember how important my birthdays were, and would want people to make a big deal about them. More often than not, though, they would come and go just like any other day of the year. Oh, I got presents and had a couple birthday parties. But it was never really made “special.” I’m afraid that I don’t do a very good job of making my kids birthdays special, either. This year we cleaned the church - woo hoo. We have had birthday parties for them every year (even if they are not on or near their birthdays). This year Shaeleigh is going to have her party in May so that she can pick whatever she wants to eat seeing as we fast until Pascha. She is okay with that, so I’m glad.

And we keep a stash of gifts for the kids in our closet. Whenever we see something for them that we pick up but don’t have a reason to give it to them, we keep it away until they do something to ‘earn’ a treat or we need a present. When I had Bruce look in the closet to see what we had up there for Shaeleigh, we found out that there wasn’t anything. I haven’t been shopping for ages, and apparently Bruce doesn’t gravitate toward ‘girly’ presents. We have a ton of stuff for Brendan, but no girl gifts.

Now I had wanted to put together a photo album for Shaeleigh and had the pictures from the garage pulled out and sitting in the boxes in our house. (Which is when we discovered that one box of photos got wet and are ruined.) Therefore, Thursday night and Friday night we dug through the boxes, pulled out multiple pictures of Shaeleigh, sorted and spread them all over the floor until I filled a photo album for her. The first page is of her great grandparents, the second page is of her parents and grandparents, the last page has her patron saint, and all the rest have her. When she first opened it I wasn’t sure if she was glad or not. There wasn’t much of a reaction. We looked through the book with her and told her who some of the people were. Later I saw her flipping through it on her own and when I approached her she said, “This is a nice quiet thing for me to do.” And then the next day she said she was going to have to make sure she took really good care of it. I think it was a hit.

We also gave Shaeleigh her own room. She and her brother have been sharing a room, but she has been asking to have her own room for about a month now. We finally got around to pulling out the bed from the garage and setting it up. It’s very high, so we call it her “princess” bed. She is very excited. Her brother is very upset. He wants her to stay in his room.

On Shaeleigh’s birthday we were at the church cleaning. It was the annual cleaning day. There were many people helping this year. It was really nice to see everyone pitching in, and I think a lot of sorting and cleaning was accomplished since there were so many hands to help. It made me glad to be a part of a community like that. I’m never quite sure how people manage without a good church community. I also don’t understand how people manage who only show up Sunday and then rush out the door. What’s the point? Of course, that could be the total extravert in me showing up. :P

Now, what else? Do you want to know that I was really frustrated last night? I do the Parish Council minutes and we had a meeting tonight but I hadn’t finished the minutes from the last meeting. They needed to be done so that I could read them for approval today. Usually I do them up earlier to e-mail out for review. I keep thinking I’m not doing a very good job. I’m always behind. They always need corrections. It feels very time consuming. So I was tired and venting last night.

I need to interject here. I have the best husband in the world. Because I was feeling so miserable and disheartened, he went out at some point after midnight and picked me up a Pepsi and some gummy worms. He wrapped them up and put them in my lunch with a lovely note that made me realize that he is a gift from God. Alright, well, when I saw all that sugar I was thinking he wasn’t helping me in the losing weight department. But I LOVE gummies and Pepsi. So I ate the gummies and drank about half the Pepsi. I left the other half for tomorrow. Oh, and by the way, me, the sugar addict, thought both were very VERY sweet. I couldn’t believe how sweet they tasted. In fact, I don’t remember pop and candy ever tasting so sweet. And I enjoyed them immensely.

I was talking with the Council Chair about my frustration after the meeting tonight and mentioned that I’m not sure I should be doing this job. She was very encouraging. And then I realized that maybe it’s my pride stepping up to the plate with a different face. I don’t like the corrections that other council members make because I want to be right. I don’t like to be corrected. *pause* Nope. Still don’t have a handle on that humility thing.

Well, I had to stay up for half an hour after I took my iron tonight, but I really need to get some rest. So I’ll sign off now. If there is anything else you wanted to know, it’ll have to wait for another day. :D

My Fortune Cookie Reads....

Naomi’s blog had an entry about "Your Birthday" I clicked the link and entered my birthday. It was interesting, but the only thing of note was this:

Your fortune cookie reads:
Funny thing about humility. Just when you think you've got it, you've lost it.

That seemed very appropriate, somehow.

Returning to Paradise?

So I haven’t been on the computer much. Well, at least not the internet. I’ve been playing a game called Aura Fate of the Ages. I love these kinds of games. I remember visiting a friend who had Myst and I’m afraid I totally ignored her because I was playing the silly computer game. I know it’s a little late, but I’m really sorry for doing that to you (you know who you are). So I’m trying to only play it after the kids go to bed so I’m only ignoring Bruce. *embarrassed* The only problem is, I have some other stuff I need to do, too. Some stuff is getting done – like I helped clean some of the kitchen the other night. But I have boxes from the garage that I need to go through that are sitting in the kitchen and living room, and I have minutes to finish typing up and get out to parish members.

We had a retreat this weekend at church. Fr. Joseph W. Copeland from Yakima, Washington - Holy Cross Church came and spoke to us regarding Returning to Paradise. It was very interesting and I, personally, thought it was much better than the Nativity Retreat we had. Bradley Nassif spoke to us in December. And he had a lot of good information to give us. But the difference between him and Fr. Joseph was that Fr. Joseph breathed God. I don’t know how else to explain it, really. And while I think I understood what Fr. Joseph was telling us, I’m not sure I can live it. I’d like to, but I lack the drive/desire/determination. I am far too prideful and selfish and lazy. I mentioned to a lady in our parish that I am those things, and she was kind enough to say that she doesn’t see that. Do you know what, though? The deeper I dig into Orthodoxy, the more I realize how far from the mark I am. I still want to see God, but am afraid that I never will. I still want to be wise, but realize how foolish I really am. I want to have the heart of God, but realize my pride and selfishness stand in the way. And while a part of me would like to just give up and call it hopeless, the other part of me is too stubborn to throw in the towel.

I really need to read the lives of the Saints and the writings of the Church Fathers.

And about the food thing – I haven’t really started over again per se. But I am walking to work again. My portions have still been large, and I’m eating more sugar foods than I should. I think I need to WANT to change. I’m comfortable with my eating habits, and having food be my comfort. And, I’m lazy and undisciplined.

*sigh*

I hope you don’t read this thinking that I’m beating myself up and think that I’m the worst person in the world. I’m not. I know everyone has his or her struggles. And whether we like to admit it or not, we are all proud. I get that now. We are all motivated by pride in one form or another. It’s good at hiding. It’s hard to be truly humble.

I am truly glad for the Grace of God.

Beginning Again

I haven’t been blogging again. I know… that’s a surprise. Not really. There have been a couple of reasons why. First, who cares? Why am I writing all this down anyway? Second, I was telling someone the other day that I didn’t just fall off the food wagon. I’ve jumped off.

Summary: I stepped on the scale today and have gained back all the weight I had lost the previous 3 weeks. Of course, the reason why probably began with the huge tray of cinnamon buns that our family consumed in one day. I’m pretty sure I ate about half the tray by myself. Keep in mind, this isn’t just a little tray that most people have in their homes. I had borrowed some trays from a friend and they held about 2 dozen large cinnamon buns per tray. The tray we ate were the ends and little pieces, so they were more like cinnamon pullaparts. But they were hot and fresh right out of the oven. They were really good. Also, I haven’t been walking to work. I’ve been riding my bike because I’ve been leaving later. That doesn’t burn as many calories as walking does. And I’ve been eating like a pig. Bruce made a dried fruit and seed mixture the other day. He gave me a container for work that was supposed to last me a few days, and I ate it all in one day! I’ve been eating in the evenings, and taking second helpings at supper.

AAARRRRGGGHHHH!!!!

*sigh*

Now I’m going to have to start all over from the beginning.

So, tomorrow begins day one. Starting weight: 201 pounds.