Breakforth

I went to Breakforth last weekend (the last weekend in January), and it was an amazing time. Initially I had to get over my own misgivings that I was carrying with me into the weekend. I had a preconceived idea that I was going to be alone in crowds of thousands of people (I had a bad experience at Youth Quake when I was in high school).

I started my Friday feeling sorry for myself, lacking sleep and being sicker than I ever like to be. Not thinking that I could try to use a phone to call the people I had ridden with to Edmonton (although, in hindsight it wouldn't have worked because for some reason my calling card wouldn't work), I was wandering from my "class" back to the Shaw Centre and called out to God, "Please, I need to see just one familiar face!" Not 30 seconds later I ran into one of the men from our group. "Thank you, God!" After a short nap later in the afternoon, my world started to look much better.

Basically over the whole weekend, the message I took home was:

I need to grow up - God had let me know a while ago about this. He had told me that I'm not a child anymore. I'm not fully mature yet, either. I'm like a teenager. So I need to start learning to stand on my own spiritually and take responsibility for myself. The interesting thing about this is that I will be 17 years old this year in my walk with God.

I need to not forget the Dream that God made me for - I'm not really sure how this all will pan out. Ever since I was a child, I wanted to act. I remember a friend of mine going to an audition and being so jealous that my parents would never take me (of course, I don't think I ever told them. I just assumed they were all-knowing parents). Now I lead our drama team at church, but feel most of the time as though there are so many other people who would be so much more qualified than I am to be leading. I just have the passion for drama, but lack a lot of the practical know-how.

I've wanted to be a speaker for a long time, but am unsure about what. When I have spoken in the past, I start with a lot of nervousness, but often have people come up to say how much they've enjoyed what I've said. Again, I lack the confidence that I'm qualified to be speaking about anything.

I am also a leader, have always been a leader, but have always felt as though I'm a leader that nobody wants to follow. So I have no idea what kind of leader that is. I am definitely not a follower, though. I can work in a team, can understand and follow within a leadership structure, but I'm not afraid to speak out and stand up for what I believe in. I also tend to be more task-oriented instead of people-oriented. When I'm under stress, the task can become more important to me than the people. I know this isn't right, and so I work hard at trying to remember that.

But I also need to remember that about a year ago, a man gave me a word from God. The gist of it was that it doesn't matter what education I have, or whether or not I think that I'm doing great things. God doesn't look at my accomplishments and what I'm doing through the same eyes that the world does. What matters is that I'm obedient. That I was right where God wanted me to be, and He was pleased. When I remember that feeling -- hearing those words right then meant the world to me -- to know that God is pleased is the most I could ever hope for.

Yet, I'm doing right now a job (that I'm getting paid for) that I love. It took me a while to get back into working in a law firm, but I really just absolutely love the work I do.

So, how all that fits together, I'm not sure.

I need to be rooted in prayer - The reason I am where I am and not further toward what God would have me be/do is because although I've known for a while that I need to pray (all the time), I have not actually done what I know. This needs to change.