Real Life?

A little while ago Bruce and I talked, and I'm in the process of dismantling my neopets account. Actually, it was more of a confrontation than a discussion. But regardless or why, I am getting rid of the stuff.

When a caring guild member asked about giving my account to someone else instead of freezing my account, I wrote a response. I had never really thought of freezing my account - more like I was just going to make it inactive with not much in it to tempt me back.

Well, this is what I wrote, and since I wrote it, I've been really thinking about what I said:

"I'm having a hard time letting go of neopets altogether. I'm okay with the stuff going, just not my account name or my favourite pet (or my stamps *grin*). And it may be a symptom of my having a hard time letting go of stuff in RL, too. We have a cluttered house full of stuff that has memories but no practical use. And I'm at the point where I know intellectually that I need to focus more on my spiritual life (things like my rule of prayer and reading my bible) but I still find it hard to do. It's like I know I need to let go of the things that tie me to this world, but I like the things of this world - even though I know this is temporary and I should think more of what is eternal."

I can’t believe it’s almost December. December is too busy. It flies by too quickly. There is my birthday, my son’s birthday, school goodie bags and Christmas. At least this year for Christmas we will be staying home. It has been a while since we have had a quiet, at home Christmas. And I think we are almost done the Christmas shopping. I just have to get the decorations up, especially the tree, so that I can wrap presents and stick them somewhere until Christmas. Then I’ll be able to really see how much there is left to do.

The only thing is, I’ve been sick and feel as though I’m only operating on half a brain. This is not a good thing. But life goes on and doesn’t slow down just because I’m not keeping up.

I have to admit, sometimes I wonder if my being tired all the time is because of my kidneys, because I’m sick, or if it’s just because I can’t seem to get to bed at a decent time so I’m not getting enough sleep at night. I’m not in my 20s anymore, but I think sometimes I forget and think I can get away with little sleep.

Also, there is snow now and the temperature has dropped. It’s definitely feeling like winter. And, once again, I forgot to put plastic on the windows while the weather was warmer. We also need new weather stripping on our doors and the back screen door doesn’t close properly. I wish I knew how to fix all those things, but I don’t. And neither does Bruce. So rather than either of us looking it up to find out, we just ignore it hoping it will go away. Well, it didn’t go away, and now the weather is cold and coming into my house. Yuck.

Okay, well that’s enough of my complaining for today. I’ll shut up now.

Thoughts

I went to a class on Tuesday afternoon to learn treatment options after kidney failure. Not sure about the spelling, but the options are:

1. peridialysis (home dialysis). Sounds okay, but may not be possible as I have PKD and my kidneys may be too big and then there wouldn't be enough room in the 'sack' around my organs to hold the fluid that attracts all the bad stuff from my blood.

2. hemodialysis. Creepy. And time consuming. I'm still just as afraid of it.

3. Transplant. My wonderful thoughts of how a transplant would change everything flew out the window. It, too, is a treatment option and not a cure. It would be time consuming and there are so many risks. But I think I need to start asking people who would be willing to consider being a live donor and tell my nephrologist that I'm ready to go for the work up. The process will take 6 months to a year, at least.

4. Conservative. If I were older, I would choose this. Knowing I would most likely just die in my sleep eventually. But I have small children and can't really, in good conscience, choose this option.

So since then I have been thinking. Why am I waiting for my kidneys to fail before changing my life and focusing on all the things that are really the most important to me? Why am I wasting time on the computer playing neopets when there are real people all around me that deserve my time and attention? Why do I escape to a place that, in the long run, is not how I want to be remembered. (Adelle... loving mother, wonderful wife, who spent most of her free time staring at a computer screen ignoring the people in the same room as her. Not a lovely picture)

So I have been struggling because I love the people here. I'm addicted to neopets and acquiring "stuff" there. But it's time consuming and I'm beginning to think there are other things in my life that I should be "wasting" my time on. Like playing board games or card games with my kids. Organizing our house and getting rid of the clutter. Spending time with friends. Focusing more on my faith and actually living out what I believe - making what I know I should do what I actually do. If I believe in eternity, why do I not act like it?

With these thoughts, on top of RL being hectically busy and being sick... AGAIN *cough* I haven't been around.

So I alternate between thinking that I'll just start giving away all my neopet stuff... to thoughts of just taking a break and leaving everything in case I want to come back... to wanting to just stay and ignore everything else I've been thinking about.

I started crying at the class. The reality that my life is going to change hit me suddenly. Especially when I heard that I have 30 percent kidney function, which could last for a while or drop off dramatically and suddenly. There is a reason why my doctor wants me to start talking to the transplant specialists - I really may not have as much time as I keep thinking that I have. In my head I was thinking I have until I'm 50. I may not even have until 40. For that matter, I may not have until 38.

I'm the sole income earner for our family. What are we going to do when I can't work? We don't have short term disability. I tried to get it with our health benefits, but nobody else in the office wanted it.

I'm scared. And I need to change my life.

Avatar

I just want to have my avatar someplace safe.

Summer Holidays. Yay!

This is the first year I've taken holidays in the summer since working at the law firm. Actually, I think it's the first time I've taken holidays that didn't involve travelling for Christmas or a funeral.

We headed out to Neepawa for a week to spend with Bruce's family. We stayed in our trailer at the campsite. It was really good, but really busy. We hadn't had many plans other than letting the cousins play together (Bruce's brother's family was out there, too). But that didn't seem to matter as everyone else had plans for us. So it felt like we were running from one place to another.

What was especially nice was seeing Delta Beach. Bruce had told me about his memories there as a kid, but it's nothing like seeing the place first hand. Other than the black flies, it was a really good time. We went up one day when everyone was there, and then went back when it was just us. We've been talking that it would be nice, now that we have the trailer, to plan to have summer holidays every year and head out to Manitoba. We had thought about taking two weeks at a time, but after a week Bruce was already ready to be home. There really is no place like home. I could see once we are retired and the kids are grown, it would be nice to have a trailer and just travel different places.

The trip was even worth the extra work piled on my desk when I got back ^-^

We Went Camping!

Hooray! We finally have the trailer! Before we take the trailer for a long camping trip, we decided to try it this past weekend to work out any kinks and help us remember all the things we forget to bring when we camp. Last year I finally put together a check list on the computer so now we don't forget the same things over and over.

So we packed up and headed out to the lake. It was a beautiful weekend and we had lots of fun. We discovered we can only go about 80 km/h while towing the trailer, and I'm glad we live in Saskatchewan where there aren't any hills. I'd hate to think of all the nasty things people behind us would be saying if they had to wait for us to get up the hill with the trailer.

Bruce had been worried about hitching the trailer up, but he does it better on his own than with my help. Seriously. I tried directing him, and got it all wrong. When he did it himself without my help, he got it on the first try. And he can back it into a space okay, too. He was worried since we had many troubles with our U-haul going places we didn't want it to. But with the trailer being 22 feet long, it seems to go where he wants it to. I haven't tried driving with the trailer, yet. To be honest, I'm a little more than nervous and don't mind that Bruce is doing so well. He can keep driving. =)

But what made the weekend so nice was this was the first camping trip where we just sat. Our site was close to the playground, so the kids were able to go play while we were getting things ready or cleaning up or tending the fire or even just sitting in a chair. And while they were at the playground they met two friends that were their ages. So they spent the whole weekend playing and not asking us to entertain them. I even managed to read a whole book! I read Sister Light, Sister Dark by Jane Yolen. It was a really good book. The first time I started it, I stopped because I didn't understand what was happening at the beginning. Now that I've read the book through, I re-read the beginning and it makes sense.

Pause to give my thoughts on the book: Sister Light, Sister Dark is told as a story, but it a story based on history and myth. Or, maybe, it's actually better described as history and myth coming from a story. Either way, the book has interjections of myth, history, prophecy, ballads, songs and the story. It is based on religious belief and weaves a tale of a young girl and her destiny. What I didn't realize when I bought the book is it's part 1. (I have the second book, White Jenna, on order at the library.) I enjoyed seeing how we can sometimes see history through our eyes rather than through the eyes of those who lived it. This young girl, Jenna as she is fondly called, begins life rough and is raised by a group of women who worship the Great Alta and walk through life with their dark sisters whom they call to their side when they reach a certain age. The tale is woven leaving suggestions of the greatness that she may possibly be, yet she is not treated as being great. Nor does she think of herself as great. And in the reading, I became quite attached to Jenna and cared about what happened to her. In my opinion, an author has done a good job if I care about his/her characters. I have read books where the people in it are two dimensional. This is definitely a three-dimensional book. I am eagerly waiting for time to sit and read White Jenna to find out what happens.

But to the trailer - we hadn't de-winterized it before we left, and when we got to the campsite, I could smell the anti-freeze. So today Bruce tried to run the water through the taps but had no luck. He tried various things to get the water to run through with no luck. I think he would have been willing to push it off a cliff if we had any close by.

All-in-all, though, we treat the trailer more like a tent. We used it to sleep and store stuff. It was nice not being on the ground. I could definitely get used to that. We'll see how we feel after being in it for a week.

Trailer Troubles

We attempted to pick up our trailer today – for the 3rd weekend in a row. A few weekends ago we went looking for a trailer. Both Bruce and I are getting to the age where we think the ground is getting harder, or our bodies are getting softer (or maybe a bit of both). The idea of sleeping off the ground is much nicer. Therefore, we went on a trailer hunt. With some of the money from mom’s estate and the accident settlement, we intended to get a used trailer or tent trailer. Something we would be okay spending time in if it was raining while we are camping. We love to camp every summer, but the kids are getting so big now that the tent feels very small if the four of us are stuck in it for any length of time.

To begin with, Bruce had gone to a couple places to inquire about trailers. Then we picked a Saturday to go looking together. The first place we went to looked at our van and said they didn’t think there was much we would be able to get. I guess we’d need a heavier duty engine to pull a trailer. But they had one to show us. It was really nice and I loved it. But it was about $20,000 more than our price range. I was beginning to think that we were going to either have to give up on the idea of a trailer, or be willing to spend double what I had intended.

As it turned out, the place next door to the first one began by asking us what our budget was. When I told the sales lady, she stopped for a moment before saying anything to us, and then she took us to look at two trailers. The first one was kind of the thing that I thought we would probably end up with. It was older and small. But we needed to make sure we could sleep four in it. The next one was great. It was a 1967 Airstream. Inside looked really 60’s-ish, but I fell in love with it right away. We made an offer and they accepted. We signed the papers, paid the money and were told we could pick it up the next weekend. Yay!

So the next weekend we booked the babysitter so that we could give our full attention to learning about our new-to-us trailer, and headed out to pick it up. When we got there, blank looks met us and we were told that our trailer hadn’t been looked at yet. (They were going to look over the trailer before letting us take it to make sure everything was in working order.) We had two options – we could wait and they would have a quick look over for us to take later that day, or we could leave it for a week and come back the next Saturday to get it. I didn’t want a rush job over my trailer, so I opted for coming back.

So we went home and booked a babysitter for the next Saturday. Friday night we had a call saying that no matter how hard they tried, they couldn’t get the fridge to work. They could replace the fridge for us, and would we think about it. So we spent the evening looking up RV fridges and Airstreams on the Internet. We learned a lot more about our trailer that evening than we had known previously. It turns out we made a fairly good purchase. Airstreams are built to last and we don’t just have an old trailer. We have a vintage trailer. Our research led me to believe that we shouldn’t just replace the fridge, though. We should attempt to have it fixed instead. So we discussed the matter with the owner who said he would look into it and get back to us. A few days later we got a call saying that, yes, the fridge could be fixed. But it’s going to cost about $750 and they would be willing to pay for half if we pay for half. Okay. That’s about what they were willing to give us in the first place by putting in a new fridge. And a new fridge would look out of place in our trailer, as well as not fitting properly. So I’m okay with that. The only thing is, it’ll be about six or eight weeks to wait for the fridge as it has to be shipped to Calgary. We don’t have anywhere in the city that will fix it. And since we are intending to go out to Bruce’s parent’s sooner than that, we will just do without the fridge for the summer and bring it back in the fall to be sent away for repairs.

So, we booked another appointment to pick up the trailer. It turns out we were going to have a busy day as Brendan had a soccer game at 11 and our appointment was for 1. We rushed home, grabbed the babysitter and sped to go get the trailer. Once there, we were told there was going to be a delay, and would we like to have a coffee while we wait. Alright. We sat in a new Airstream drinking coffee and chatting while waiting to get the tour of our Airstream.

An hour later someone came to get us. Then we find out the guy who is going to teach us about our trailer has to learn about it first himself. Someone else had done the check up, and so he didn’t know where everything was. Well, more than the fridge wasn’t working, and to his credit, the guy helping us did everything he could to get everything right for us. Okay, good. Now we could take the trailer home. Bruce got the van and backed it up. We put the trailer on the hitch and then went to hook up the lights. Oh, no! There were two different connections. The lights on the trailer wouldn’t hook up to our plug in on our van. Again, no problem says the guy helping us out. I’ll just do this and that and adapt your wires to fit. Well, to say his day wasn’t going well would be an understatement. He couldn’t get the signal lights to work with the wires and can’t figure out why. *shrug* I don’t know. All I know is that it worked when we towed the U-haul from my mom’s last year. So he figured maybe we had a fuse that was blown. After taking the time to figure out how to get to the fuse panel (another comedy of errors - keep in mind, neither Bruce nor I know much about cars), Bruce and I checked each of the fuses to find out that all of them are okay. Then we waited. We hadn’t been the only ones waiting for service. There were two other trailers that needed work and so while we checked the fuses, our service guy went to help the other trailers. In the end, we have to take our van to have the wiring redone so that we can actually tow our trailer without getting a ticket for having no lights.

On the way home Bruce said it would have been nice if someone had thought to check that out for us before because we could have had that done before today. Oh well. I was so excited about getting our trailer, and now we have to wait again. I sure hope it’s going to be worth it once we finally have it. And I hope we can figure out how to drive with it and back up. Neither of us are very confident about getting into tight places with the trailer. That will be another adventure.

Random Thoughts

Well, another month has passed without an entry. Believe it or not, I have attempted to post a couple of times, but the home computer is just picky sometimes out our internet connection. We are on the lowest connection (just short of dial up), and sometimes pages just won’t load. I get frustrated and impatient and quit. This will be a random posting of various thoughts I’ve had over the last while. So, in no particular order:

Becoming Orthodox
I was chrismated on the May long weekend. Seeing as it was a long weekend, half of our regular attenders were away, but that was good because we filled up the church with our friends from Living Hope (and others). It was so good to have that much support. When I think of it, I almost feel like crying – happy crying. We have been so blessed with so many who are loving and caring and supportive. We’ve left one amazing church family to join another, equally amazing church family.

The night before my chrismation: I didn’t think that it was going to be a big deal being chrismated. I was prepared for whatever God had in store for me, but wasn’t expecting anything spectacular. What I wasn’t prepared for was that the night before I got the “pre-marriage jitters.” My honey had posted on a mailing list of his about a possible patron saint for me. He had written about my hearts desires (which are very lofty and sometimes I think unattainable), and the first post in response was that I should not desire so much but should pray that I would be more humble and that I would not sin. Yes, I need humility. It has been revealed to me more and more lately that I am full of pride. I am proud. I struggle against authority as much as I respect authority. I question everything and don’t take much at face value.

Before Bruce posted the request, I was worried at what the Orthodox community would think of my desires. What I want is so un-Orthodox, but it’s still what I want. The comment in response, and the timing of it, made me so upset and question what in the world I was doing joining the Orthodox church. I keep saying that I’m not sure they really want me, and yet at the same time, it’s where I want to be. So I spent the evening doubting that I should be going through with becoming Orthodox.

I didn’t back out. But it made me realize that becoming Orthodox was a way bigger deal than becoming a member at any other church I’ve been a part of in the past. Even before my baptism I didn’t have any doubt. I didn’t quite fully comprehend what I was doing and was simply being obedient to what I thought God was asking me to do when I was baptised. But maybe, too, it was that I was younger. *shrug*

But anyway, I did it. I took the plunge - made the commitment. It still sounds weird to me to say, “I am Orthodox.” I told that to someone in my office, and he laughed and said, “You’re anything but Orthodox! You’re, like, new age or something!” I still don’t know quite what he means. But if he means that I’m not a stuffy traditionalist, I can live with that. ^-^

Neopets
In one of my last posts I’d blamed being busy on the reason for not posting. Neopets was one of the places I said I’ve been spending my time. But since they changed the layout of Neopets I actually haven’t been around as much. I’ve been thinking about quitting and giving up all my stuff and pets and such. But there are many things there that I have enjoyed. Maybe I’ll wait a while. Real life has been so busy that I haven’t had as much “waste” time to spend in neoland.

Real Estate
I love my job! I have been swamped, but I love my job. A little while ago, my hubby and a co-worker both gave me a Dilbert cartoon. I’ll try to link it here.



Real estate in Saskatoon has been crazy, and so that means I’ve been really busy. It also means that my dreams of moving into a bigger house are quickly flying out the window. When we bought our house, it had been with the intention that it was the first step toward a house that would fit us better. Now with the housing market, my house is looking pretty good! We have a huge yard, but a small house. Renovating or rebuilding may be the options we’ll have to seriously look at to expand our indoor space – especially when the kids get to be teens. Oh, well. We’ll blow up that bridge when we get to it.

Stress?
I’ve noticed that the last couple of months it seems as though we’ve had something planned almost every night of the week. Meetings, soccer, going for coffee, having people over, volunteering….. it all takes time. I had someone comment to me earlier this year about how in North America we are all so tied to time. She had been in a country (I can’t remember which one) where relationship meant more than time. So if you were supposed to meet someone at 9 a.m. and on your way ran into a cousin, for example, and didn’t get to the meeting, if you said, “Oh, sorry I’m late. I ran into so-and-so,” everyone would just nod and understand. And here we have road rage and people shooting people because they can’t get somewhere fast enough. I saw a news report on CBC about driving in Toronto. They said that that most accidents happen from changing lanes – the more you change lanes, the more likely you are to get into an accident. Then add speed, and you’d be an accident waiting to happen. They did a test where two drivers had to race around this really busy section which would take about an hour in rush hour. One driver was allowed to change lanes as many times as she wanted (she was a professional car driver), but she was not allowed to speed or break any traffic laws. The other driver was only allowed to change lanes if he had to. The result: the driver who could change lanes as often as she liked expressed extreme anxiety over trying to get to her destination while the driver who was to maintain his lane as much as possible said at one point, “we’re going a lot faster than I thought we would.” The changing-lane driver did beat the other driver to the destination – by about 5 minutes. Personally, my health is not worth 5 minutes. I’ve decided not to freak out so much while I’m driving.

Quick Update

So what has happened to my writing in my blog? Well, I started playing Neopets again. And work has been crazy busy. I think, also, I’m not sure what else to say. I’m not really going through any serious turmoil over joining the Orthodox Church.

We have a date, by the way. May 20, 2007, God willing, I will be chrismated and take communion in the Orthodox Church and Bruce will rejoin full communion. We decided to not have the kids baptized at the same time as it was proving too difficult to schedule a time where our family and the priest could all be there. So it looks as though both Brendan and Shaeleigh will have another round of swimming lessons to get used to the water before we subject them to a dunking. Of course, Shaeleigh still has to consent..... She has said that she will be baptized at 13 or 18. We think that’s most likely because she does not like the water to be in her ears or on her face and she knows she has to put her whole head in the water. Brendan seems to be okay, and so we will try to set a date sometime after July.

Easter/Pascha

I’ve had some thoughts about this weekend and Easter. This year Eastern Pascha and Western Easter fell on the same day. It’s my understanding this does not happen often. But that’s not what my thought was about.

My thought begins with the fact that a number of years ago at Living Hope we started celebrating the Passover before Easter. We had invited some friends from the Orthodox Church to participate, and they came. But to celebrate the Passover is something not regularly done in the Orthodox Church, and I wondered why they (the Orthodox) would appear to even be opposed to the idea. Then it hit me this year. It is celebrated. As Pascha. Pascha is the new Passover. Only in the Protestant churches I’ve attended, Easter has never really been that. There isn’t the build up – the anticipation – the feasting as a church. Typically, there has been more done about Christmas than Easter. And I was surprised last Christmas when I heard a pastor actually say that most pastors have a favourite between Easter and Christmas, and his was Christmas. A part of me thought, “But if we don’t have Easter, Christmas has no point!” I knew intellectually that Easter was more important than Christmas, but I didn’t know how to make Easter more important.

Let me tell you, this year Easter was more important than Christmas. And, in good form, I was grouchy right before Easter just like I’m grouchy before Christmas. Not that I’m advocating being grouchy – but I was. But I was happier after Easter than I have ever been after Christmas. After Christmas always feels like a let down. Like I’ve spent all this time getting ready for a day that comes and then it’s over so quickly. I’m still in the glow of Easter. I think, “Christ is Risen!” and look forward to 40 days of celebrating that He has.

So I haven’t really explained why Easter was so much better yet. Well, it started with Lent. Now, I didn’t ‘feel’ like I was in the spirit of Lent (not as repentant and sorrowful as I should have been, I suppose), but we did participate in the services and some fasting. So there was always the idea that it was because Easter was coming. And then there was Holy Week. I don’t know if Palm Sunday counts as part of that, but I remember last year at Living Hope someone had brought palm branches and tried to make something of Palm Sunday with a story to the kids but, to be honest, I didn’t get it – and I know what Palm Sunday is supposed to be about. The meaning was lost somehow. But I got Palm Sunday this year. We had the palm branches at St. Vincent’s, and the kids did the processional. There is WAY more scripture reading and far less interpretation. We didn’t go to all the services during the week, but enough to know that we were preparing for the death of Christ. I’m so glad I know the end of the story, ‘cuz it could’ve been depressing. To hear the scriptures about how Christ was betrayed, beaten and killed – I couldn’t help but weep. But I knew Sunday was coming! (where Christ is no longer in the tomb but is alive!) And even though the service starts at 11:30 Saturday night (at which point I said, “what reasonable human beings are awake and starting a service at this hour of the day!”) and our kids are sleeping under and on the benches, there was so much anticipation. The service is like acting out a drama and everyone is a participant. No spectator sport here.

This was only my second Pascha, so I’m not sure I’ll remember everything in detail. But I can tell you that overall the service points to how Christ is the fulfillment of the Passover. We don’t need the old Passover any more because now we have the new Passover. Christ did all that needed to be done. Not that I regret having participated in a Passover meal. It has given me an understanding I wouldn’t have had otherwise.

But one of the greatest things was preparing an Easter basket with all the foods we’d been fasting from through Lent (well, more than just what we’d fasted from as all we had done as a family was meat). And then when the service is done at about 3 a.m. we all head downstairs where the priest blesses our baskets and we feast! We share what we have as a community. (and hope that once we get home the kids will sleep in! ^-^ )

Overall, I feel as though no matter how much I try to describe what it’s like to celebrate Easter in the Orthodox Church, words will not do it justice. Experiencing it once isn’t enough, and I expect it will take many more Pascha celebrations to realize how much richness is really there.

This is how I can make Easter a bigger deal than I ever have in the past.

What Church Father Are You?

You’re St. Jerome! You’re a passionate Christian, fiercely devoted to Jesus Christ and his Church. You are willing to labor long hours in the Lord’s vineyard, and you have little patience with those who are less willing or able to work as you do. Your passions often carry you into temptation zones of wrath, lust, and pride. Find out which Church Father you are at The Way of the Fathers!

I didn't know what half the stuff on the test even was! *lol*

Response to "Church" Comment

This post is in response to Naomi’s very thoughtful comment on Church. Even now, I'm not sure I have all the correct 'words/ideas' to fully explain some Orthodox thought, but I'm going to give it a try. Maybe it'll help me organize some of my own thoughts! :-)

First, there is a lot I agree with that you have said. But I'm going to try to explain why the Orthodox thinks that it has the most 'correctness.' But first I need to clarify that my understanding may be off base in some places and I hope anyone reading this who really knows what they're talking about would feel free to jump in.

The Orthodox Church says that the Church has been promised to be preserved throughout all time until Jesus’ return. If that is true, then there is to be a visible church that has been preserved. The Orthodox would go so far as to say the only church that can claim it has maintained the beliefs through all time as all have believed is the Orthodox Church (something about St. Vincent’s writing* – I still need to read it). Now that isn't to say that the Orthodox Church is perfect - which is where I agree with you. I think someday we will all find out what isn’t right. And I, personally, think that there is some right in Protestant belief that is lacking in Orthodoxy. For example, from what I've seen the Orthodox downplay of emotion in faith has appeared to keep it from reaching out as much as evangelicals have. The mindset in the Orthodox Church tends more toward the Jewish mindset of "come to us" rather than "we'll come to you". And I also think that sometimes the Orthodox faith acts a little like the big brother who thinks just because he’s the oldest that he’s always right in everything.

But where you say we all have a part of the fullness, the Orthodox faith would agree that many outside of Orthodoxy have a part of the faith, whereas Orthodoxy has all of the fullness of the faith.

And there are critical differences that it will point out which keep Orthodox Christians from being able to be in full communion with Christians outside the Orthodox faith. One of the biggest is its view of the Eucharist. It is not merely a symbol, it is the actual body and blood of Christ with power as such. Also, the meaning of baptism and chrismation. But I think the biggest difference is with the reason why Christ had to die for us in the first place. Western thought is that Christ died to defeat sin. Eastern belief is that Christ died to defeat death. The whole focus is not that we are bad, it is that we die. It’s like I grew up my whole life with this idea that God is this huge judge who demands justice. Then I’m faced with the idea that the reason why we sin is because we die, not that we die because we sin.

One more thing. You said, “And they are inherently human systems therefore not perfect.” The Orthodox would say that you are right. Every other system is inherently human. But the reason why the Orthodox faith has been preserved is because it is not inherently human. It is tradition handed down from the beginning that has been preserved by God and not changed by humans. No one person dictates what the Church believes. Anything defined/redefined is only done through an Ecumenical Council. Which could be part of the reason why suggesting anything new to the Orthodox faith is unheard of. And nothing is changed on a whim. The Bible is not interpreted in accordance with our personal world views, but rather through the traditions handed down from generation to generation. The Orthodox would claim that any deviations from the “traditional beliefs” come from the thoughts of individuals rather than the Church as a collective. (okay, that just sounds a little bit Borg-ish *lol*)

On a side note, I think the Orthodox Church is attempting to be relevant to today. It’s not like it thinks we are in the 16th century, and there are many in the Orthodox Church who think it is long overdue for another Ecumenical Council. If I were to be critical, I would say one of the reasons why the Orthodox Church doesn’t make a difference in North America is because of its unwillingness to change its culture while maintaining its faith. Too many of the churches want to stick with the “old” ways that have to do with ethnic background and equate them with the tenets of the faith rather than recognizing that there is culture here that isn’t necessarily distinctively Ukrainian or Greek or whatever. The Church needs to realize that to reach people now doesn’t mean to make them more ethnically Orthodox. And, really, there needs to be a ‘revival’ in the Orthodox Church where people realize that being Orthodox isn’t fire insurance. Now, I know they’d never say it exactly that way – it’s more an Evangelical saying. But the revival needs to be of the hearts, changing attitudes as well as behaviour. Being Orthodox is not some elitist club that makes a person extra special. Just like loud, raunchy Praise & Worship doesn’t make a better worshiper, either. It’s not about the style (or at least it shouldn’t be). It’s about the faith.

Well, I’m not entirely sure that I answered my questions, either. And there is much more that could be said, but they’ll have to be said another day.

*Bruce knows the St. Vincent thing. “Hold fast that faith which has been believed everywhere, always and by all”

Meme

I have a friend who has a ton of these on her blog which I love to read but don't go to very often because it takes my computer forever to load (do you know who you are ;-)? ). So I just picked one to do.

1. How old will you be in 10 months?
36
2. Do you think you'll be married by then?
I sure hope so. I'm not planning on changing anything in that department.
3. What do you look forward to most in the next 3 months?
being done catechism classes, seeing my kids get baptized, having another wedding anniversary
4. Who was the last person you called?
a client
5. Who was the last person to call you?
my hubby
6. Do you prefer to call or text?
call. I don't really know how to text
7. Do you have any pets?
nope. Unless you count the fish at work
8. What were you doing at 12am last night?
sleeping
9. Are your parents married/separated/divorced?
divorced (were)
10. When is the last time you saw your mom?
October, 2005. She died in January, 2006
NO ELEVEN?
12. How many states have you lived in?
none. I live in Canada. But 2 provinces
13. How many cities/towns have you lived in?
Five. But one was before I can remember
14. Do you prefer shoes, socks, or bare feet?
socks
15. Are you a social person?
very. Hubby jokes that I know everyone in the City because whenever we go anywhere, I seem to know someone *lol*
16. What was the last thing you ate?
pizza - homemade. yummy
17. What is your favorite ice cream?
vanilla - because I can do so much with it
18. What is your favorite dessert?
hmmm..... don't really have one. But I love chocolate and I always have room for ice cream - because it just melts and fills in the cracks!
NO NINETEEN EITHER?
20. What kind of jelly do you like on your PB & J sandwich?
strawberry or grape. Actually, I don't really need the peanut butter, just give me the jam
21. Do you like coffee?
yes, as long as I can add creamer
22. How many glasses of water a day do you drink on average?
8 oz glasses? mmmm.... about 5 or 6
23. What do you drink in the morning?
if I have time at home, a glass of milk. If not, a coffee at work
24. Last movie rented?
oh, I can't remember the last time I've rented a movie. We have about a hundred at home or we borrow from the library. The last one I watched, though, was Dangerous Minds
25. Do you sleep on a certain side of the bed?
yes
26. Do you know how to play poker?
yes. It's the most fun to play for M&Ms
27. Do you like to cuddle?
Sometimes. Especially if I'm tired
28. Have you ever been to Canada?
Yup. Live here. I've been to the States (Washington, North Dakota, South Dakota, Minnesota, California and Hawaii, and across the border to Mexico. We'd like to see the Grand Canyon some day)
29. Do you eat out or at home more often?
at home. I'm cheap
30. Do you know anyone with the same birthday as you?
Nope. But I was born on the anniversary that Pearl Harbour was bombed
32. Do you speak any other languages?
Not really. Took French up to grade 12
33. Have you ever gotten stitches?
Oh, man, yes. Three on my chin, a couple on my bum (don't ask), ten on each arm, and I had babies
34. Have you ever been in an ambulance?
yes. Twice. The first time I totalled a friends car and don't remember the trip at all. Just that I didn't really want to be in the ambulance because I knew it would cost money, and we didn't have a lot of it. The second was when we were in an accident a couple years ago. I sat in the ambulance with my kids, but didn't travel in it.
35. Do you prefer an ocean or a pool?
depends on why I'm there. I don't care much for swimming, but I'd rather swim in a pool than in the ocean. And I don't really like getting sandy, but like walking along the beach. So really, if it was just to hang out, I'd rather be in a park on a hot day sitting in the shade.
36. Do you prefer a window seat or an aisle seats?
window
37. Do you know how to drive a stick shift?
yup. My first car was a standard
38.What is your favorite thing to spend your money on?
I don't like to spend money. So I guess my favourite spending money activity is garage saleing. It's our entertainment in the summer.
39. Do you wear any jewelry 24/7?
Yes. I have a necklace with a cross that I have had since my grade 12 graduation. I also have a pair of earrings from hubby, my wedding rings, my grandma's wedding rings, and a ring set that my mom had made which represents her and my grandma. I also have my mom's dinner ring that I would be wearing, except it has a claw that needs replacing and I don't want to lose the stone.
40. What is your favorite TV show?
Stargate, Star Trek (all of them - although Next Generation is my least favourite). We have Babylon 5, Firefly and Corner Gas on DVD also. I don't generally watch TV - just the shows if we have them on DVD (we have peasant-vision and now I'm spoiled with not having to watch commercials *lol*). If I have to pick actually TV, then probably the news. Hubby thinks I'm a news junky
41. Can you roll your tongue?
yes
42. Who is the funniest person you know?
My kids. They constantly crack me up.
43. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?
nope. Never really did
44. What is the main ringtone on your phone?
what's a ringtone? (kidding :-D ) I don't know. Hubby programmed them. I just know the one for our home phone is different from everyone else
45. Do you still have clothes from when you were little?
I used to, but I don't know where it is right now. It might have been misplaced by now.
46. What is the color of your bedroom walls?
I don't know what it's called. It's supposed to be a darker shade of our hallway walls which almost looks light pinkish/purplish, but the bedroom looks closer to the purplish without really being purple (if that makes sense)
47. Do you shut off the water when you brush your teeth?
of course. I didn't even know that some people left it on until I was much older. I hate wasting anything, including water
48. Do you sleep with your closet doors opened or closed?
We took them off just after we moved in. They were never closed anyway, and the doors just take up space (we have a small house with a lot of stuff)
49. Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of killer bees?
Do I really have to pick? Does anybody really answer this one with one of those options? If I'm going to die, just make it quick.
50. Do you flirt a lot?
I don't think so. Let me check with hubby on that and get back to you.
51. What do you dip a chicken nugget in?
ketchup and chicken sauce (mayo) - mixed together. Or BBQ sauce and sweet & sour sauce mixed together
53. Can you change the oil on a car?
If I take it to the garage - the guys there are really handy
54. Have you ever gotten a speeding ticket?
yup
55. Do you dance in the car while driving?
not usually. I don't often have the music on

Wow. Well, maybe tonight wasn't the best time for me to decide to do the longest one of these *lol* Oh, well. Too late now!

Swimming to Baptism

This week is crazy busy with it being Holy Week plus all the regular stuff we do. And Shaeleigh has started swimming lessons this week, too. We are hoping at the end of the lessons she will be less afraid of the water and be willing to be baptized. At the moment she refuses to put her head in the water, and we definitely don't want her baptism to be a traumatic event, so we will see how it goes. If you feel so inclined, please pray for her. She has an amazing faith but says she is not a Christian because she hasn't been baptized, and says that she will get baptized when she is 13 (or 18 - depending on the day you ask :-p) I can see how there are those who could say that they have known God their whole lives. Both she and Brendan just believe. There is no doubt that God exists. We would like to join the Church as a family, but will not force either of our children to be baptized if they refuse. Brendan says he's ready.

My Heart Longs

There are a few songs when I listen to them, I begin to cry. One is I Can Only Imagine, the other is Better is One Day. I may have said this here already, but it’s like my heart knows this place that I will go one day and I can hardly wait. Everything I want, my whole being, just wants to be in the presence of God. If I could do that all the time, nothing else would matter. I would give anything to be there.

Church

Tonight at class we were asked to think about what we think the Church is. Well, according to what we heard tonight, the Church is those who are following the Orthodox church traditions. But not even all Orthodox. Those who rejected the decisions at the 4th Ecumenical Council are out of communion with the rest of the Orthodox Church.

We also heard that the wheat and the tares (weeds) will grow together and at the harvest, the tares will be separated out and burned while the wheat will be harvested. Something new to me was the idea that the 'tares' were weeds that looked like the wheat.

There was a statement made in the tape we listened to today that said, "the grace of God does operate outside the visible boundaries of the Church, but the grace that operates is the grace of the Church." And, "when people find truth and faith, it's often because they've already received the grace of God." There is a variable amount of truth found in the faith outside of Orthodoxy, the issue is that the truth is either added to or taken away from that which was given and handed down from the beginning.

So, what does that mean? What do I think the Church is? First, let me think out loud for a minute.

Let's start back before I was taking these classes and I'm just a regular member of a Protestant denomination. If the above is true then I am not part of the Church. But, I have some of the truth. The grace of God has been extended to me. So I could still be saved from death. At the same time, someone who is part of the Orthodox Church - maybe born and raised - while in the Church, may actually be one of the tares. They will not be saved from death.

Well then my question is, What does it matter if you are really in the Church or not if you are obedient to the truth that you have?

I'll have to think about this. Feedback is welcome.

The Wall & Worship

First: The Wall
This last week I've felt as though I'm done catechism classes. Not done as in I don't need to go back - because there is still a lot to learn. But done as in I'm tired. I've never run a marathon, but have heard that there is a point where the runner feels as though they just can't go on and they need to push through that to get to the finish. That's where I am. I'm tired and want to go sit by the sidelines. But I also want to get to the finish line. So, I'll keep going.

Second: Worship
Yesterday we were invited to go to a worship night at a Protestant church. It was interesting because friends of ours invited us to go after he went to the Vespers service at the Orthodox Church. While I was at the Praise & Worship, I had some thoughts which I wrote down to write here:

God has brought me to the Orthodox Church so that I can grow deeper. I couldn't grow deeper in the Protestant Church because everything it does just reaches the surface. There is a longing in some to grow deeper; however, many are satisfied with the entertainment received once a week. If we want to practice the disciplines which will enable us to go deeper in our walk with God, we are left on our own to fumble through.

Everything in my walk previously has been about me. I've thought I've done really well and have this "special" relationship with God because I have heard his voice. But growing deeper is about more than hearing God. I don't understand all that the Orthodox Church teaches, but I do know it is the place that will enable me to grow deeper - to a place I've longed for for a long time. The water in the Orthodox Church is not on the surface - it is an underground spring that runs deep. I have been watered on the surface which has given me the longing for more. I don't want the first milk, I want the rich milk.

Worship at the Protestant Church, while it makes me feel good, it misses the point. Worship is deeper than that.

Dashed Dreams

I have mentioned here a number of times about how I’d like to become a lawyer eventually. Well, a couple weeks ago we talked with our financial advisor who basically said if I pursued school at this point with our finances the way they are and our kids the age they are, we’d be committing financial suicide. I need to count on being willing to put our family $100,000 in debt. Wow! What an incredibly high amount, you say. I thought the same thing. Then she explained it’s not just the cost of going to school, but we need to take into account that we will still have living expenses without an income. I feel as though my hopes have been dashed like a ship hitting jagged rocks in the shallows. It truly will be a miracle if I manage to become a lawyer.

The Point

This may be old news to some, but a couple weeks ago while Bruce was in earshot I was telling someone that I actually believe the Orthodox have it right, and Bruce made a show of falling off his chair. I don't know if he was actually surprised or not (I tend to be fairly antagonistic sometimes :-D). The only thing is, while my head acknowledges that being Orthodox is right, there is still a part of me that feels as though I don't fit - and I wonder if I ever will truly fit. Then I wonder if maybe the point isn't to fit, and I'm missing the point.

Personality

I did a short personality quiz that was supposed to give me what type I was and how rare my type was. Well, I did it and even got the html code so you would be able to see it all, and then Blogger decides something is wrong with the code. Well, I couldn't figure out what was wrong, and I must have spent too much time trying to figure out what was wrong because when I hit the "back" button, I lost everything. So all I can remember is that I came out as ESFP instead of ESFJ. Granted, the test was only 12 questions long! It made me wonder, though, if all the rest was right if maybe I'm a borderline P/J. I've only ever done the online version of the testing and haven't had a real person do it with me. *shrug* Oh well. It's not like it's going to change the direction of my life or anything.

*addition - I did a little reading on ESFJ and ESFP. While I may be a "little" like ESFP, I am a "lot" like ESFJ. I did another test which placed me as an ESTJ, and so I read it, too. I'm a little like that also, so then I wonder if I'm not only borderline J/P but also F/T. And I like that among the famous figures who are also ESTJ is Peter the Apostle. I've often felt like I could relate to him.

Leaving Living Hope

I realized the other day that I have been talking more about where I’m at now, and didn’t really explain the leaving of Living Hope for St. Vincent.

It seemed as though we were going to be attending both churches for quite a while. I was going stir crazy not volunteering in anything since I had taken a break from volunteering for a while. I hadn’t wanted to start something when we seemed in transition, but I was beginning to feel as though I needed to do something again. So, I volunteered with the youth group at Living Hope, assuming that we weren’t going to be leaving Living Hope for a while.

Something I noticed was that as much as I appeared to be fighting the whole Orthodox thing, when it came to explaining the Orthodox church to our friends, I defended orthodoxy. I seemed to be a walking contradiction. On the one hand, when I was with orthodox people I argued against orthodox beliefs, and when I was with non-orthodox people, I defended those same beliefs. I think I needed to hear out loud both sides to figure out which one I truly agreed with. And, in some ways, I see both sides. I understand the arguments and the defences.

The deciding moment came when we had a Sunday full of baptisms and communion. First in the morning we had a baptism and the Eucharist at St. Vincent of Lerins, then in the evening we had a baptism and communion at Living Hope.

I’m just going to interject here, I found it interesting that most Sundays whatever was being talked about at St. Vincent seemed to go along with what was at Living Hope. I felt like we were getting the same ideas from two perspectives all the time. And I was wishing that people from both churches could hear what was going on at the other one.

About the baptisms and communion: At Living Hope the pastor gave a talk explaining very clearly the beliefs behind baptism and communion – how it is merely a ‘symbol’ of our faith. When we got home, Bruce told me that while he was okay with attending Living Hope still, he felt as though he couldn’t take communion there anymore. He believes that communion is much more than ‘just’ a symbol, and would be able to say that in his head at Living Hope when we took communion before. But once it was clearly spelled out about just being a symbol, he could no longer fool himself into believing that maybe the church viewed communion as something more. I understood where he was coming from. I’ve always thought baptism is more than we state – especially more than "putting on a team jersey." I have friends who have known for a while that that particular phrase drives me crazy ;-) And I’ve wondered about communion being more than we make it – but haven’t had any other teaching on it before participating at St. Vincent of Lerins.

So, I said once my commitments at Living Hope were done, we could say good bye and attend one church – St. Vincent’s. After talking with leadership, it was agreed that I could be released before the end of the school year, and it was actually quite soon after that we said our goodbyes. One thing we wanted to make sure of was that no one at Living Hope thought we were mad or disagreed with anyone there. We tried to make sure we didn’t "sneak out the back door." And I think I’ve mentioned it before, but I think everyone at Living Hope has been completely understanding and supportive. Especially when I’ve heard some stories of people who are currently trying to leave their Protestant church for the Orthodox church and are facing great opposition.

If anyone from Living Hope is reading this, thank you so much for your love and support. We love you very much.

It's All About Me

Bruce showed me this a while ago from someone else's blog. At first I looked at it with one of those "Okay. You think this is funny?" looks. But, you know, I have been thinking about it all week. And then I realized - that's me. I mean, look at my blog. This whole journey to Orthodoxy thing has been all about me. What do I think? How does it affect me? What about my experiences? My whole Christian life has been about my relationship with God. I'm so selfish in this whole thing.

And this goes along with another theme I've been noticing in my life. I am full of pride.

Tonight we went on a field trip to listen to a Bishop speak (I'm so horrible with names. I don't know who he is). He was speaking on parish life. Let's see if I can briefly sum up what I heard:

When we look at the scriptures, we can't just pull out verses randomly here and there to support what we believe. We need to start at the beginning. So we begin at the beginning - the separation of darkness and light. Christ separated the darkness and the light also. The Bishop talked about how Satan deceived mankind when we forgot what we were. Satan said that if Eve ate from the Tree of Knowledge, she would be like God - forgetting that we are already made in the image of God. He also said something about the Tree of Life - but if that question is going to be on the test, I won't know the answer. ;-) He then talked about how Jesus is the fruit on Tree of Life.

Mostly the point kept coming back to this:

Egoism, self centerdism and self love is what the Fall is about.

Sin is not breaking the law - sin is missing the mark.

Marriage breaks the pattern of self love and egoism. We are in a spousal relationship with God, not a covenental relationship.

And we are to love selflessly. The Gospel has to be lived in community - it cannot be about self. The purpose of a parish is to love one another so that Christ radiates out and then people come.

I've thought that it is a shame that we don't seem to know how to truly love one another. If we really did, wouldn't people around us notice the difference? Wouldn't they want to come?

When I was younger my dad took me to Sunday School. It was an expected thing. In grade 8 I told him that he wasn't going to make me go any more. The people at church weren't any nicer to me than the people at school, so I didn't see why I had to be with them. (I wasn't a popular kid) Has much changed? Are we much nicer to people? I mean, really. Not the fake smile, hi, how are you? Do we really care? Do we care enough to put someone else's needs ahead of our own? I don't want to answer that question. I don't think I'll like the answer.

And if you are one of those people who do love like that, I'm not saying that there is nobody like that. And I'm not even saying that there aren't a lot of nice people in the church. But being nice and being selflessly loving aren't necessarily the same thing. I'm a fairly selfish person. Remember what I already said above? - It's all about me. And I'm proud.

So how do I change my heart? Time, hard work, and dedication.

Can't I hit the drive thru? Please?

Attending an Orthodox Church

I think one of my lasts posts regarding our transition to the Orthodox church asked if it's possible for me to just be a Christian who happens to be attending an Orthodox church. There are many I've talked with who don't "feel" orthodox, although they "are" orthodox.

I heard a priest (sorry I don't remember who it was) on The Ark today talking about communion in the Orthodox church. It is not meant to be exclusive (although from a Protestant perspective, that's exactly what it appears to be). It is meant to be inclusive of all who are "orthodox" - knowing that everyone who takes communion is of the same belief. And the hope is that someday the divisions will be no more, and we will know that when we are in communion with one another.

So what does that have to do with me being a Christian attending the Orthodox church? Well, a point that was made, quite clearly, was that to take communion in the Orthodox church, you have to be orthodox. You don't take communion anywhere else because then you are linking your identity with whatever that belief is (be it Catholic, Mennonite, Anglican, Lutheran, or whatever). In a way I can see that. Communion at St. Vincent means much more than it does at Living Hope, for example. At Living Hope communion was very clearly explained as merely a symbol - a representation and nothing more. At St. Vincent every Sunday is stated "that this itself is your most pure body, and this itself your precious blood" (with 'your' meaning Jesus' body and blood). And the Eucharist is taken believing that it is for the healing of soul and body and for the remission of sins. To be honest, in all the years I've been Protestant, I'm not entirely sure what communion is for - other than a symbol of my belief - to remember what Christ did for us. I am a Christian; therefore, I take communion.

So, to answer my own question from a couple of days ago - Can I be a Christian who happens to attend an Orthodox church? Yes. But is that all I want, or do I want more? Do I want to be orthodox? Yes - and No. Yes, I want more of God. I want to know that what I do has meaning behind it. I want to know God in a deeper way than I've ever known before. No, I don't want to be seen as judgmental. I don't want to be labelled by the church I go to. I want to be in communion with those who are close to me whom I know have an intimate relationship with God - no matter what church they go to.

I think God weeps.

Korra Stonecutter

I'm not sure if I've ever mentioned it here, but Bruce and I met playing AD&D. He is quite shy, so he was able to keep up communication with me outside of the game by pretending to be his character talking to my character (I was a gold dragon and he was my dwarf vassal - I enjoyed it :-D)
Well, I was telling someone how Bruce has given up gaming for Lent, and that the last campaign we were playing in I had a dwarf fighter and human bard. Bruce has painted some minitures to represent the characters.
We also have been playing a game called Heroscape since we received it as a Christmas present this year. So Bruce put my dwarf into a Heroscape character card. She would look like this:

except, she's missing the braided beard. The miniatures don't come with females having beards, and Bruce doesn't know how to add things like that. He paints them as they come and our imaginations have to fill in the rest.

I am going to a funeral today. It's the funeral of a young man who has a beautiful wife and two children. Last Fall he wasn't feeling well, and a couple months ago he was diagnosed with cancer. It happened very fast. Much faster than they expected.

I didn't know him well. I know his wife better. But it's been hard. I was looking back at Dwayne's Blog and started crying again. Now here are two more kids who have lost their dad. The difference is, I don't think this family has strong faith. I don't know what they are going to hold onto during the hard times.

I also realized that while Dwayne was sick, I didn't say much to them. I don't think I posted a comment* until months after he was gone. I didn't know what to say then. I don't know what to say to these people now. Death sucks for the people left behind.

*Janet - I don't know how often you go back to Dwayne's Blog, but there is a lot of comment spam showing up on his blog - even from recently. Bruce suggests that you enter some sort of comment verification so you know it's a real person posting a comment, and not just computer generated ads.

Emerging Church

I had a friend e-mail me saying they found my blog when searching the emerging church. Then, when I was looking at past blogs I noticed someone who is prominently involved in the emerging church here in Saskatchewan had posted a comment (a very long time ago ^-^).

How in the world do I fit in with the emerging church? Bruce has been involved somewhat. And sometimes when we're talking he'll joke that I sound like a post-modernist. Of course, I don't think I understand the meanings of either of those terms, really.

I have no idea why I was thinking about this today.

The Ark

An Orthodox internet radio station called The Ark started up a few weeks back (maybe a month or so now), and I've been listening to it at work. I think it has been described as "Contemporary Orthodox programming". I've quite enjoyed it. It plays some Orthodox liturgy, but it also plays a lot of other Christian music - like Petra, Rich Mullins, Peter Jon Gillquist, Monica Matthews, and many others. I was joking with Bruce about the fact that I'm willing submitting myself to brainwashing. *lol*

P.S. For anyone reading this from Living Hope - some of the songs played are ones we've sung during worship.

Name of My Blog

So my blog has changed names a few times. It started as "The Wild World of Dell". Then realized I don't have a wild life and am pretty boring so it became "The World of Dell". Well, I didn't much care for that either, so I switched to "Dell's World". Bruce bugged me about how similar it is to his (Bruce's World), and so now I have a nameless blog. I'm terrible with titles.

So.... Any ideas?

Really...... any?

Living Hope is doing 24-7 prayer this week. While we have stopped attending Living Hope on Sundays, we still belong to the Care Group from there. This week the meeting was in the Prayer Room. We don't have childcare (the group meets at our house), so just I went and Bruce stayed home. There weren't many of us. It was also the beginning of the week, so there wasn't much written on the walls yet, either. But it did end up being a time of sharing and caring. When we were done, I signed up to do an hour on my own.

While I was there on my own, I realized it's much easier to pray with a prayer book for an hour than it is to just come up with something on my own. Unfortunately, I forgot to bring my prayer book. So I said some of the prayers I remembered by heart. I wrote a couple prayers on the walls, prayed my prayer rope ('Lord Jesus Christ have mercy on me a sinner' for each knot on the bracelet around my wrist), and then prayed some of the Psalms.

In previous years I've really enjoyed my time in the Prayer Room. It seemed as though there was so much to pray for. This year I realized that I felt a little out of place. Maybe part of it is because I'm out of touch with the ministries. Or like Living Hope is a place to visit now, but it's not home any more. I also didn't feel the same longing to have a place like that to pray. We have a prayer corner (or at least area) in our house where we go to pray every day. It has our icons, our prayer books and candles. We don't write on the wall, but it's still a special spot. Before I went into the Prayer Room, I hadn't really thought of the area in our house as special. We just have it because that's the "orthodox" thing to do. But I realized that my longing to be in the Prayer Room isn't something I have so strongly anymore. I don't need a week of intense focus on prayer, because more of our whole year is focused on prayer. I see it every day in my house. (Not that I DO it every day. I just see that I SHOULD :D)

So what would Protestants think about having a spot dedicated in their house to prayer? Some people do. I've heard of someone having a certain spot she would go to do devotions and pray every morning. I also know when I was packing a house years ago, I saw a closet had been dedicated to prayer (although it was not a Christian house. I'm not sure what religion it was. Maybe Hindu?) and I thought as Christians we should do that - have a place in our houses set aside to focus on God. A physical reminder to pray. I know we should pray all the time - but I'm easily distracted. Having something constant would help. So why don't we do it more? I'm guessing because of the whole fear of idols thing. Or maybe it's something else. I don't know.

So now I'm realizing that I'm feeling more like I'm in between two worlds and not really a part of either one any more. I'm beginning to think too much like an Orthodox person to be Protestant, and I'm still too Protestant to be Orthodox. Whatever happened to my idea when I was younger that I was a Christian - who happened to attend a Baptist church? Then I was a Christian - who happened to attend a Mennonite church. Can I still be a Christian - who happens to attend an Orthodox church?

How Nerdy Are You?

I found this on someone's site



I didn't think I'd be that nerdy :-D

Okay, well maybe I did *hee hee*

Shall We Continue?

It appears I got sidetracked for a couple of days.

I think we ended where we decided to attend both churches and I was questioning the Orthodox view of Mary.

Going to both churches was okay. When I listened to the way I talked, I could hear that as far as I was concerned Living Hope was our home church and St. Vincent of Lerins was the 'other' church. I most often referred to them as Living Hope or The Orthodox Church. It was interesting I never referred to Living Hope as The Mennonite Church.

I was also fairly defensive whenever we were at St. Vincent's. It seemed for a while that every Sunday I would hear about how great it is to be out of the Protestant churches and how bad it is in the Protestant churches. How deluded Protestants are, how right Orthodoxy is, and weren't we so glad to be Orthodox? I had assumed everyone at St. Vincent's knew we attended Living Hope in the evenings, just as I assumed everyone at Living Hope knew we attended St. Vincent's in the mornings. At one point I remember telling someone that I wasn't unhappy being Protestant, and I would appreciate the bad-mouthing to stop. After that, I don't think I heard any more anti-Protestant comments.

Now, I realize that a lot of Orthodox who had been Protestant didn't leave the Protestant world with warm cozy feelings. And for the most part, people who become Orthodox have had to put up with a lot of crap from Protestants who don't understand. We have been very fortunate. I'm beginning to see that Living Hope is full of understanding people. No one there has made us feel as though we are doing something horribly wrong. They've wanted to make sure this is something I want as well as Bruce wanting it. I've said I know God is in both places, and I can worship Him in both places.

I don't know that I'm able to go very chronologically from this point on. As far as events go, attending both churches was what we did for a year and a half. I had known at some point that we were going to eventually end up at St. Vincent's. I didn't know how long it was going to take, but I knew that's where we would be. I remember having a conversation with a friend from Living Hope about it. I had said that I knew we were going to end up at St. Vincent's, and I had some misgivings about it (I think this conversation happened last summer-ish). My friend said that I was in a unique position because I had a choice whether I would allow God to move me in that direction, or if I would refuse. This is another thing I'm not sure how it fits into the Orthodox world. There have been times in my life when I know something beforehand. I don't know how I know, I just do. And I've wondered if it's because I really don't like surprises. It's like I get a five-minute warning before something comes. I don't get a warning for everything. But like switching to the Orthodox church is one time. When I was going to place my first child for adoption was another time. But then there are things that I've felt as though I've had the warning but it hasn't happened yet.

There are a lot of things I don't understand. Not in a Protestant context nor in an Orthodox one. I realized tonight I'm tired of trying to understand. I just want to worship God, and however that comes out is fine with me.

Musing From Yesterday

I woke up this morning thinking about the post I made yesterday regarding joy and penance - being a sinner or a saint. At first I was thinking about how dwelling on how sinful I am is a little bit like being a pig in mud. I'm the pig. My sin is mud. And I should just wallow in it. Or at the very least, stare at it. Sing over it. Realize that I'm surrounded by mud - will always be surrounded by mud and will never not be muddy.

I think it's interesting that ever since I was a kid, I hated being dirty. My mom took me to the beach when I was about 3 and tried to get me to help her build a sand castle. She was covered head to toe in sand, and laughed about the fact that if I got a grain of sand on my hands, I'd find the nearest puddle to wash it off. I still don't like being dirty. I'm amazed I can make bread.

Then as the day progressed, at some point a vague thought began to form about how sometimes when we are young we think we know so much. That as a teenager I was sure my parents were idiots and I knew WAY more than they ever did. Then as I got older I realized that maybe they did know a thing or two and there is a lot in the world that I don't know. When as an older person you look at someone young and their beliefs and knowingly smile. It's like in StarGate when SG1 met the Nox who said, "You do not understand" when SG1 was trying to "save" the Nox from the Goa'uld Apophis. And then later in the show one of the Nox said to O'Neil, "Sometimes the very young do not listen". Maybe I'm still very young and when I get older I will understand how we can be full of joy and penitent at the same time.

I didn't make it to the service at church tonight. We decided the kids could use a break from church, even though my commitment to babysit wasn't needed tonight. I'm thinking it was probably for the best. It was the Akathist to the Theotokos, and I've already mentioned briefly some of my feelings on the whole Mary-thing. It still feels a little bit like worship to me.

(**sigh** I'm never going to make a good Orthodox Christian.)

Penance or Joy?

So this is the first week of Lent in the Orthodox Church which means the whole week is full of services. It is also a time of penance - of remembering our sinfulness - and repeatedly asking for the mercy of God on us. In the spirit of Lent, we are to carry out the somber tone of the services into the rest of our lives with us. Here is where I must not understand what joy is. When I think of somber, I think sad faces. Or certainly, not happy faces.

One of my fears of becoming Orthodox has been that I will be required to let go of the joy that I believe I have. I have been told that if it is true joy, it will last. And if it does not last, it was not true joy to begin with. Okay, I get that. But what I don't get is how do I be penitent with a smile on my face? Or even with one in my heart? Maybe I'm just too Protestant and believe that I truly am a saint instead of living knowing I'm a sinner.

On a side note (kind of), during the service tonight we do prostrations (kneel down and touch our head to the floor). My kids seem to get a kick out of this part of the service. I don't think they really get it, but....*shrug*..... It doesn't seem to matter where they are, when they hear "Have mercy on me, Oh God. Have mercy on me" they would run from whatever they were doing to throw themselves down onto the floor by us. One time they just about collided and did it right where I was supposed to kneel down. Now, this was not the appropriate way to do prostrations, but what was even more inappropriate was that I just about bust a gut laughing. It was hilarious. Now, to start guffawing in the middle of the Cannon of St. Andrew would have been inappropriate, so I managed to keep it stifled. So was it wrong to see humour in the middle of a service where we state over and over again how we tend to fall into sinfulness no matter how hard we try? Granted, at that moment I wasn't hearing the chanter - I was too busy telling my kids that they better not do that again. But it was still funny.

I'm still wondering how appropriate it was, too, that during the forgiveness service I had a grin on my face. I was expecting a flood of tears, and instead had a silly grin. Go figure.

I'm afraid I didn't really continue the story of the journey towards Orthodoxy tonight. But I'm going to head to bed 'cuz I'm still sick and need to get some rest.

I am sick tonight, so I'm sitting here with my NeoCitran while I'm typing. Once I'm done the medication, it's off to bed for me.

Tonight was the Compline with the Cannon of St. Andrew of Crete at church. A friend of mine came for the first time. She reminded me of some of my first times in the Orthodox church. It's next to impossible to follow along in the sheets that you are given and there is so much going on it's information overload. My legs and back are very sore now from the prostrations, too.

......But...... back to my story. Where was I?

Bruce and I decided that we would go to both churches - Mennonite and Orthodox. That way we would both have our spiritual needs met. Every other Sunday we also had Care Group in the afternoon, so we would leave the house at about 10:15 a.m. and get home about 7 p.m. I'm glad there is always a lunch after St. Vincent's, and there was always potluck snacks at Care Group. People constantly asked us how we did it, but we just did. It was assumed that we didn't book anything else on Sundays. Not that it was really a day of rest - it was a day of Church.

In the beginning I think I grilled Bruce on EVERYTHING in the Orthodox church. I picked on the theology more than I ever did in Bible College, or any other time for that matter. I was especially hung up on the Mary-thing. I said that the liturgy is full of the worship of Mary. She is equated higher than human beings and pretty much on par with God. And why in the world are the Orthodox so hung up on her being ever-virgin? What about the brothers and sisters that had come to him? If Mary was so special, why did he shun his own mother when she came to call on him? This was an issue I really struggled with. To the point that one day after the liturgy I sat in the sanctuary and cried to God asking for an answer. This is what I heard:

* Does it matter?
- What?
* Why are you struggling so hard? Does it matter? Does it matter if Mary is ever-virgin or not? Will you believe in me either way?
- Pause. Oh.

The conversation didn't really answer my question, and yet it did.

Now here is one of my ongoing dilemmas in the Orthodox church. It's not uncommon for me to have conversations like this - dialogues that go back and forth with a voice in my head that is not my own. Am I crazy? Am I deluded? It's not like it happens all the time. Not even every day or even every month. But it started when I was in Bible College. When I asked Father Bernard about it, the answer I heard was that it is most unlikely that I hear the voice of God. Only the really spiritual who have walked for many years in the disciplines would hear the voice of God. So..... what does that make me? I don't consider myself overly spiritual. I don't read my Bible daily. I don't even set aside special time to pray. I pray on the run, mostly. And, embarrassingly, most often in the bathroom.

I don't know. But I do know that my NeoCitran is now done, so I'm heading to bed to get the rest I need to function tomorrow.

Let's Start at the Beginning

I've mentioned to a couple of people that I would like to write some of my thoughts down here about my experience so far with Orthodoxy, particularly before I forget how I've thought and felt through the process. I don't intend to write it all at once. Therefore, if the thought seems to end, please bear with me. I will keep writing at a later time/date.

The first time I even heard about the Orthodox Church was when I met my to-be husband. He was attending an Orthodox church (St. Vincent of Lerins), and I was attending a Mennonite church (West Portal). Part of the process in marrying was deciding where we were going to end up attending. (I'll make this part of the story short) Bruce left the Orthodox church, and I tried to make sure that he was not leaving because of me but that it was truly what he wanted to do.

As time passed, there were periods where Bruce would go back to St. Vincent's to visit. There were many people there who had been good friends of his, and I would encourage him to keep in touch despite not attending regularly. He had precious few friends, and I didn't want to see him lose any because he married me.

Near the end of 2004 or the beginning of 2005, Bruce expressed the desire to visit St. Vincent's more regularly. Since we were attending a church which met regularly Sunday evening, I told him that it would be good for him to go in the morning to the Orthodox church. The liturgy was something he always lamented not having in Protestant churches.

While I knew this was something that Bruce needed, I did not realize that in the summer of 2005 he would announce that he wanted to be at St. Vincent's all the time, and he wanted all of us (me and our kids) to go with him.

**Pause a moment for some filling in of life events surrounding this time. Our church, Living Hope, had been going through some struggles with leadership issues at the beginning of 2005. I had been leading the drama team and felt strongly the need to step down from that position - so I did. We had been in a major car accident, totalling our van in April. Our pastor, Dwayne Harms, who was also one of Bruce's best friends, became very sick and was diagnosed with cancer about half way through the year. At the beginning of August I flew out to Abbotsford because both my Grandma and Grandpa passed away (within half an hour of each other) and I was attending a double funeral.

Needless to say, I was not looking for more change at this point. I also want to point out that Living Hope had not been my church of choice in the first place. We had been attending a much larger church, West Portal, which was doing a church plant, and Bruce wanted to go with the plant. I did not want to be in a small church. Then when the church found the building it was going to locate in, I did not want to be in that building, either. It had been the building of a church that I had been hurt in just previously to walking away from church altogether for a number of years. But God is gracious and brought healing. I made peace with what had happened in the past and was able to see past the small church and make it my home. In fact, it became more my home than Bruce's.

So when it was sprung on me that he wanted to make a switch, I tried to take it well, but I just didn't. I really didn't. I freaked. I exploded. I cried. I vented. And I wanted to make sure he wasn't just running away from Dwayne's death.

I need to make it very clear at this point - Bruce thought he was breaking the news to me gently. He did not realize that it sounded like a demand and had never intended it to be a demand. He has since apologized and has given me all the time I need to adjust.

Fall of 2005 we began attending two churches - St. Vincent of Lerins in the morning and Living Hope in the evening. It was a compromise we could both live with.

Trust and Forgiveness

The other night Bruce told me something that hit me like a brick. It was something that hurt so much that even though I will normally confront, I withdrew. It was more than I could take at that moment. The next day I felt sick to my stomach, I couldn't think properly. A million thoughts were running through my head and I felt an inch away from crying all the time.

It's funny because I also felt as though I was overreacting. I knew he didn't have to tell me what he did. He told me so that there wouldn't be anything hidden between us. I knew he was sorry. But at that moment, I couldn't get past the hurt to forgive. I spent the whole next day in turmoil. Thoughts of wrongs I had done were also in my head. Thoughts of justifying my actions. Thoughts of blaming him. Part of me wanted to play the victim, but in reality, I knew I couldn't do that.

We sat down and talked last night. I didn't know what I was going to say. Being hurt, part of me wanted to hurl hurtful things back. But part of me wanted to tell him the hurtful things I've done, too, but to tell him without hurting him. And none of my thoughts were organized. They just tumbled out as I thought of them. He was gracious enough to not try to defend his actions, but he did try to explain them. Not as an excuse, but to answer my questions.

I was also in turmoil in that I just wanted him to hold me so that everything would be back the way it was before. Another part of me didn't want him to touch me at all. I am amazed - he took everything I said, heard me, and allowed me to be where I was.

I did ask him to hold me. And in his arms I shared more of me. We talked. Really talked. About things that have been in our marriage for years but neither of us said anything about it before. Like the elephant that is in the room but nobody acknowledges its existence.

Yesterday I wanted more than anything to know that when I said, "I forgive you" that I meant it. Today I know that I do. And while I thought it would be hard to trust again, at this moment, I do.

Long Time No See

Just popping in to quickly post an update on what's happening.

Hmmm..... where to start?

Well, the biggest change in our lives is that we've moved from Living Hope Church to St. Vincent of Lerins Orthodox Church. It's been a year and half in the making, so it feels as though it's about time. But we're not in communion at St. Vincent's yet. We still have to finish the catechism classes. Then I will be chrismated and we're still waiting to hear from the Bishop what Bruce needs to do to return to communion again. Brendan says he's ready to be baptised, but Shaeleigh isn't. We'd like them to be baptized at the same time so that when family comes it will just be once, but I don't think I want to make Brendan wait until Shaeleigh is ready. So we'll cross that bridge once we get to it.

I've still been spending most of my free computer time at Neopets*. I've joined a guild called Mystic Castle, which has helped me achieve so many more goals in Neopets than I ever did before I belonged to a guild. The only thing is, I think Bruce wonders when he'll ever see his wife in the evenings since as soon as the kids are in bed, I'm on the comupter *lol*

And I'm having to decide where I am going to spend my time. I've seriously begun thinking about law school again, and need to go talk to someone at the College of Law to see if I even qualify for applying. I've thought about it, and it's possible that I could be a lawyer by the time I'm 40. Again, we'll see.

Like I said, this is just a quick update on the biggest highlights. I won't make any promises about when I'll be back here again.

Thanks for stopping by. I am hoping at some point to post some of my thoughts about my journey (well, more my being pulled :-D) into the Orthodox Church. And hopefully sooner rather than later.

*WARNING - playing Neopets, even though it appears to be designed for children, can be highly addictive to adults.