Musing From Yesterday

I woke up this morning thinking about the post I made yesterday regarding joy and penance - being a sinner or a saint. At first I was thinking about how dwelling on how sinful I am is a little bit like being a pig in mud. I'm the pig. My sin is mud. And I should just wallow in it. Or at the very least, stare at it. Sing over it. Realize that I'm surrounded by mud - will always be surrounded by mud and will never not be muddy.

I think it's interesting that ever since I was a kid, I hated being dirty. My mom took me to the beach when I was about 3 and tried to get me to help her build a sand castle. She was covered head to toe in sand, and laughed about the fact that if I got a grain of sand on my hands, I'd find the nearest puddle to wash it off. I still don't like being dirty. I'm amazed I can make bread.

Then as the day progressed, at some point a vague thought began to form about how sometimes when we are young we think we know so much. That as a teenager I was sure my parents were idiots and I knew WAY more than they ever did. Then as I got older I realized that maybe they did know a thing or two and there is a lot in the world that I don't know. When as an older person you look at someone young and their beliefs and knowingly smile. It's like in StarGate when SG1 met the Nox who said, "You do not understand" when SG1 was trying to "save" the Nox from the Goa'uld Apophis. And then later in the show one of the Nox said to O'Neil, "Sometimes the very young do not listen". Maybe I'm still very young and when I get older I will understand how we can be full of joy and penitent at the same time.

I didn't make it to the service at church tonight. We decided the kids could use a break from church, even though my commitment to babysit wasn't needed tonight. I'm thinking it was probably for the best. It was the Akathist to the Theotokos, and I've already mentioned briefly some of my feelings on the whole Mary-thing. It still feels a little bit like worship to me.

(**sigh** I'm never going to make a good Orthodox Christian.)