The other night Bruce told me something that hit me like a brick. It was something that hurt so much that even though I will normally confront, I withdrew. It was more than I could take at that moment. The next day I felt sick to my stomach, I couldn't think properly. A million thoughts were running through my head and I felt an inch away from crying all the time.
It's funny because I also felt as though I was overreacting. I knew he didn't have to tell me what he did. He told me so that there wouldn't be anything hidden between us. I knew he was sorry. But at that moment, I couldn't get past the hurt to forgive. I spent the whole next day in turmoil. Thoughts of wrongs I had done were also in my head. Thoughts of justifying my actions. Thoughts of blaming him. Part of me wanted to play the victim, but in reality, I knew I couldn't do that.
We sat down and talked last night. I didn't know what I was going to say. Being hurt, part of me wanted to hurl hurtful things back. But part of me wanted to tell him the hurtful things I've done, too, but to tell him without hurting him. And none of my thoughts were organized. They just tumbled out as I thought of them. He was gracious enough to not try to defend his actions, but he did try to explain them. Not as an excuse, but to answer my questions.
I was also in turmoil in that I just wanted him to hold me so that everything would be back the way it was before. Another part of me didn't want him to touch me at all. I am amazed - he took everything I said, heard me, and allowed me to be where I was.
I did ask him to hold me. And in his arms I shared more of me. We talked. Really talked. About things that have been in our marriage for years but neither of us said anything about it before. Like the elephant that is in the room but nobody acknowledges its existence.
Yesterday I wanted more than anything to know that when I said, "I forgive you" that I meant it. Today I know that I do. And while I thought it would be hard to trust again, at this moment, I do.
2 comments:
Adelle,
My experience tells me that forgiveness, especially for the "big stuff" has to come from God, but we also have to choose to actively forgive. For me that means really talking it through, with both of you being TOTALLY honest, and then in the end laying it to rest. The sweetness in a relationship that has survived the sin, confession, and forgiveness stuff though is extra precious. You know that the relationship has passed a test of sorts. It can be a real growth opportunity for both of you. I bless you in your marriage as you grow closer to God and each other.
Love, Janet
Thanks, Janet. You know, it's amazing for me to realize that I'm not holding onto bitterness and I am able to totally trust Bruce. I had expected it to take much longer. I think it must be the prayers of others for us that has accomplished this, because there isn't enough in me to have done this on my own. And things are better. It wasn't just Bruce confessing, but I have confessed to Bruce, also. And we are committing to each other to be honest as much as we are able (being as honest with each other as we are with ourselves).
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