Thoughts

I went to a class on Tuesday afternoon to learn treatment options after kidney failure. Not sure about the spelling, but the options are:

1. peridialysis (home dialysis). Sounds okay, but may not be possible as I have PKD and my kidneys may be too big and then there wouldn't be enough room in the 'sack' around my organs to hold the fluid that attracts all the bad stuff from my blood.

2. hemodialysis. Creepy. And time consuming. I'm still just as afraid of it.

3. Transplant. My wonderful thoughts of how a transplant would change everything flew out the window. It, too, is a treatment option and not a cure. It would be time consuming and there are so many risks. But I think I need to start asking people who would be willing to consider being a live donor and tell my nephrologist that I'm ready to go for the work up. The process will take 6 months to a year, at least.

4. Conservative. If I were older, I would choose this. Knowing I would most likely just die in my sleep eventually. But I have small children and can't really, in good conscience, choose this option.

So since then I have been thinking. Why am I waiting for my kidneys to fail before changing my life and focusing on all the things that are really the most important to me? Why am I wasting time on the computer playing neopets when there are real people all around me that deserve my time and attention? Why do I escape to a place that, in the long run, is not how I want to be remembered. (Adelle... loving mother, wonderful wife, who spent most of her free time staring at a computer screen ignoring the people in the same room as her. Not a lovely picture)

So I have been struggling because I love the people here. I'm addicted to neopets and acquiring "stuff" there. But it's time consuming and I'm beginning to think there are other things in my life that I should be "wasting" my time on. Like playing board games or card games with my kids. Organizing our house and getting rid of the clutter. Spending time with friends. Focusing more on my faith and actually living out what I believe - making what I know I should do what I actually do. If I believe in eternity, why do I not act like it?

With these thoughts, on top of RL being hectically busy and being sick... AGAIN *cough* I haven't been around.

So I alternate between thinking that I'll just start giving away all my neopet stuff... to thoughts of just taking a break and leaving everything in case I want to come back... to wanting to just stay and ignore everything else I've been thinking about.

I started crying at the class. The reality that my life is going to change hit me suddenly. Especially when I heard that I have 30 percent kidney function, which could last for a while or drop off dramatically and suddenly. There is a reason why my doctor wants me to start talking to the transplant specialists - I really may not have as much time as I keep thinking that I have. In my head I was thinking I have until I'm 50. I may not even have until 40. For that matter, I may not have until 38.

I'm the sole income earner for our family. What are we going to do when I can't work? We don't have short term disability. I tried to get it with our health benefits, but nobody else in the office wanted it.

I'm scared. And I need to change my life.