It has been forever since I've posted anything. I'm not even sure where to begin with everything that's happened.

My time at the computer seems to be almost nil lately. The only reason why I'm here right now is because relatives are visiting and taking over some of the child-watching responsibilities. And I was reminded that I haven't done any work on my web site for a long time, either.

Life seems so crazy. Does everyone feel like this? I know that when I was a kid I had heard from the adults that life seems to speed up as time passes, but I'll admit that I couldn't comprehend how that could be. I mean, time is time and doesn't move faster or slower, right? Well, it sure feels like it's moving faster now. And I'm not sure how to slow it down any!

Our church is going to be doing a 24/7 Prayer next week. I'm signed up for a couple of slots alone plus a couple with groups. I'm really looking forward to it.

One of the challenges our pastor has given us is to fast during that time. That it is an opportunity to deny ourselves. I have a hard time fasting, but maybe if I'm doing it as a community it will be easier.

I'd just like to mention, our pastor preached an awesome sermon called "Marriage - A Picture of God" based on Ephesians 5:21 - 33:

Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church - for we are members of his body. "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh." This is a profound mystery-but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

I should find out if he would mind my putting it here for you to see. Although, I had read it beforehand, and it was much better when he preached it than to just read it. If you ever make it out to Saskatoon and are around for a Sunday evening, you should check out Living Hope Church. Pastor Dwayne doesn't preach every Sunday, but it's amazing to hear when he does!

I stayed up last night WAY too late. I was playing a computer game that we just got called Might & Magic II. Very addictive and I enjoyed it. I think I'm going to have to watch how much computer playing I do, though. I could get carried away and avoid doing all my other duties around the house. And I could end up with no sleep and skip my time with God every day.

As it is, I haven't been very faithful at keeping up a daily devotional time. I know that it's good for me - I even really enjoy it when I have it - but it always seems like the first thing to go in my walk with Christ. I have been a Christian for 15 years and I still struggle. When does it end? I'm looking forward to perfection.

So I woke up to have my quiet time with God this morning. I don't know why, but I was really distracted and had a hard time focusing in my prayer time. I did some more reading in Isaiah and am wondering about Chaper 11. It seems to me this is talking about Jesus; only some of it has come to pass and some of it hasn't. Yet it all sounds like it is at the same time. And yet, I thought Isaiah's prophecies were for the people of Israel for that time and it is around the Babylonian captivity. Of course, I'm not much for history and I haven't bothered to look it up anywhere.

I was really looking forward to spending some time with God this morning when I got up, but I woke up to my fridge not working. So everything in the freezer was thawed and I've spent the morning cooking and cleaning up the mess.

So I had a chance to have a break later in the morning, but when I sat down, there were so many distractions I felt as though I couldn't focus. It's amazing how much I'm missing that time and how I long for the morning again. And to think that I've spent the majority of my Christian walk without having morning time with God.

Also, I had just told a couple of friends that I'm not looking forward to the time when life crowds back in again, and here I am crowded.

What a blessed day it has been. It's Good Friday, and if we didn't have Sunday to look forward to, what a sad day it would be. It's still sad in that my Lord had to suffer and die.

But the day was great. My care group and another got together to celebrate Good Friday. What a time of fellowship and a reminder of what Jesus really did for us. To be denied by your best friends. To be beaten, called names and accused of crimes when you are innocent. To suffer and die a horrible death. And yet, it all had to be done. Because without the death, there could not be the resurrection. Without the death, there could not be redemption. I am so looking forward to Sunday and the celebration that Jesus is ALIVE!

And not only did I have the chance to celebrate Good Friday, but I also had another opportunity to serve our pastor with my gifts of administration (okay, it was just typing!). But I so enjoy doing this, and sometimes I wonder if he realizes what a joy it is when I know that he so enjoys that I will do it. It's like the ultimate Win/Win situation!

AND I spent time with my family when I got home. We just sat around talking and playing. What a joy to not be rushed to go do something, but to just enjoy one another. I wish it could be like this always.

The following is something I saw and actually e-mailed to some of my friends. I was re-reading my post from yesterday about being a child and throwing temper tantrums, and it made me think of this. I did not write it. I do not know who did. But the wisdom is there, I believe, and I thank whoever it is that wrote this:

Six -year-old Brandon decided one Saturday morning to fix his parents pancakes. He found a big bowl and spoon, pulled a chair to the counter, opened the cupboard and pulled out the heavy flour canister, spilling it on the floor.

He scooped some of the flour into the bowl with his hands, mixed in most of a cup of milk and added some sugar, leaving a floury trail on the floor which by now had a few tracks left by his kitten.

Brandon was covered with flour and getting frustrated. He wanted this to be something very good for Mom and Dad, but it was getting very bad.

He didn't know what to do next, whether to put it all into the oven or on the stove and he didn't know how the stove worked!. Suddenly he saw his kitten licking from the bowl of mix and reached to push her away, knocking the egg carton to the floor. Frantically he tried to clean up this monumental mess but slipped on the eggs, getting his pajamas white and sticky.

And just then he saw Dad standing at the door. Big crocodile tears welled up in Brandon's eyes. All he'd wanted to do was something good, but he'd made a terrible mess. He was sure a scolding was coming, maybe even a spanking. But his father just watched him.

Then, walking through the mess, he picked up his crying son, hugged him and loved him, getting his own pajamas white and sticky in the process.

That's how God deals with us. We try to do something good in life, but it turns into a mess. Our marriage gets all sticky or we insult a friend, or we can't stand our job, or our health goes sour.

Sometimes we just stand there in tears because we can't think of anything else to do. That's when God picks us up and loves us and forgives us, even though some of our mess gets all over Him.

But just because we might mess up, we can't stop trying to "make pancakes" for God or for others. Sooner or later we'll get it right, and then they'll be glad we tried...

Please pass some of this love on to others....suppose one morning you were called to God; do all your friends know you love them?

I was thinking... and I wondered if I had any wounds needing to be healed, friendships that need rekindling or three words needing to be said, sometimes, "I love you" can heal & bless! Remind every one of your friends that you love them.

Even if you think they don't love back, you would be amazed at what those three little words, a smile, and a reminder like this
can do.

just in case I haven't told you lately... I LOVE YA!!!

It's late and I'm headed to bed so I can actually get up in the morning, but I just wanted to write what happened this morning down. While I was praying, I got the impression that I should go upstairs and put my hands over Shaeleigh's crib to pray for her and the removeal of the Spirit of Sickness. I did this and it was like I could feel the Holy Spirit pouring out of my hands onto her. I know this sounds a little far fetched. It's not a part of my relationship with God that I'm familiar with and comfortable with. But I truly believe that it is from God. I've prayed protection over her and that God's Spirit would surround her and protect her. Now I'm just having to believe that this is so and she is truly healed. It's hard not to let doubt crowd in. But God is the Healer. And he loves Shaeleigh even more than I do.

Father, I thank you for the work you are doing in my life. Thank you for revealing yourself more and more and for healing my daughter and protecting her with your Spirit and your angels. Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty who was and is and is to come. Amen

So the post I was going to do this morning and the post I am doing now are probably of a different flavour. I was going to post earlier, but then I had to go in to work, so I'm just at it now.

Let me start at the beginning.

I got up this morning (albeit later than I had intended) really tired and groggy from going to bed so late last night. I am not a morning person. But I had a cup of coffee and then started to read my Bible. I'm reading Isaiah because yesterday as I was praying I could totally relate to Isaiah saying that he was a man of unclean lips.

At any rate, I was reading Isaiah this morning and when I went to lay down with my kids I was thinking about the way God treated the Israelites. And I was thinking about how God has treated me. And I came to a realization. As I was lying there, asking God about the differences in relationship, I realized that when I first became a Christian, God treated me as a child. An infant, even. I could yell and kick and scream and throw temper tantrums if I wanted to. He had the patience and love to deal with it.

You see, I had asked about the whole "respect" thing versus "friendship". In Isaiah there is an expectation of incredible reverance for God. And here I talk with him so casually and naively (and sometimes even backtalk - like I'm a spoiled brat). I haven't been showing that kind of respect, reverance and awe that he deserves. But now I'm getting older and my relationship is changing. It's like I'm moving into an age of more independence. Which seems really funny because I feel like I'm needing more dependence, not independence.

I don't know that I'm making much sense here. It's not like God is to become more distant. The goal is actually exactly the opposite - my desire to be closer to God. But in the growing closer - in the growing, period - there is an awareness that God is so much more than just a "Daddy" or a "Friend." He is holy. He is awesome. He is more than my head can wrap around. Who am I to be so arrogant as to think THE living God will grant my requests? And yet, he does. And he honours my honesty in seeking him and being with him.

When I was a child, I thought like a child; I reasoned like a child. But now that I'm a woman, I've put childish ways behind me. God desires for us to grow in our relationship with him and to attain a level of maturity in our faith so that we can know him even more. Just as he knows us. Wow. What a thought.

Last week we decided to take a last minute trip to go visit Bruce's parents since it was his last week off work. It was a really good time. I'm so glad we went.

Now is the beginning of the way things were. The only thing is, I'm wanting to change. I've decided that I'm going to go to bed earlier at night and get up earlier in the morning. I want to spend time with Bruce and with God before the kids are awake.

I realized yesterday at church that when the Holy Spirit comes on me, I can't help but cry. I feel so silly and make myself stop, but I wish I didn't. I wish I had the freedom to just allow God to work in me, even in public. I also find I can't talk and my breathing changes. It's so out of control, and I hate being out of control. Yet, I want more of God. I've said before about our theme at church is "Draw Me Closer", and that is SO how I feel.

Ever since I've been a Christian, there have been aspects of the Christian life that I have wanted, have truly desired. I (in my innocence) asked for the wisdom of Solomon, the heart of David, and to see God's face like Moses. I also asked for the gift of prophecy (seeing as it was one of the greater gifts and Paul says we should desire these). Now I look at these and think, "How bold!" I wanted it all. Then I've spent the last how many years not seeking after these things. I thought I was being too proud and not humble enough if I wanted it all. But I've come to a place again where I DO want it. These are the things my heart desires. I don't care if I never speak in tongues (although it would be nice). But a part of me is afraid. I've seen God doing these exact things in my life - and it's not an easy road to walk down. It's not a comfortable place to be. I am drawn and hold back at the same time.

Lord, give me the strength to keep on. Help me to break down the walls I have that keep me from you. Release me from whatever it is that holds me back and stops your work in me! You are holy. You are holy. You are holy, Lord God Almighty.

May God bless you and your family today as you are reading this. I pray that as you go through your day that God will make himself ever known to you and draw you closer, too. Amen

Today Bruce asked me if doing the power point presentations for the sermon make the sermons not as powerful for me as hearing them the first time, and I said a little. But you know, today that just wasn't the case. Our pastor talked about how the Bible can draw us closer to God - and yet we read it so little. We can read a lot of things about God and it won't do us more good than reading the Bible itself. And, I am guilty of that, too. I have been a Christian for a long time now, and I still don't have a regular time to sit down and read the Bible. Oh, I go through spurts here and there where I will sit down and read whenever I get a chance. But I don't conciously make it a regualar part of my routine. And I can't even blame the kids because I didn't do it before I had kids, or even before I was married. (Or when I was married before kids, even). I know that it's a good thing. In fact, I know that it's a great thing. So why do I not sit down to read it?

And you would think that especially since we gave up watching television for Lent that I would have spent more time reading the Bible and in prayer and meditation. Nope. I've filled my time and my days with so many other things. So now the message from last week is finally hitting home. (It was on ridding our lives of the "good" things to make way for the "best" things).

I just can't believe that after all this time, I fit right in with Paul when he says that I do the things I don't want to do and don't do the things I want to do! *sigh*

When does maturity come? I remember when I was a kid that I thought my parents were so old and wise (they are really quite young!). So somewhere along the way I thought that I would grow up and be so wise. My parents knew all the answers, so I should eventually too. Right? Not! It really is true that my wisdom is as foolishness to God.

So, more than a month has passed, and I haven't even come back to do any updates. Well, suffice it to say that I've gone to interviews and they decide to give the positions to someone else. Now Bruce has only a little over a week left at home, and he turned to me and said we should just enjoy the time together. So, no job searching for me this week.

Our daughter is walking which is such a joy. It amazes me how fast our babies have grown. And from what I hear from other moms, the time just keeps going faster and faster.

We've also bought a van in the last month. Now I feel like a middle-aged family. It's really nice to have the room, though.

Can't think of much else at this very moment. Oh, except that a little while ago I thought I would start to do some writing again. I haven't gotten much done, but I thought I might write a story on adoption - seeing as it's an issue close to my heart. We'll see how it goes.

If anyone is reading this, would you pray for me and my family? Thanks.

Oops! Not the most timely in getting back to how the interview went. Well, let me think now. That seems like such a long time ago!

I didn't get the job that I interviewed for. I think the reason they may have given it to someone else might be because I didn't have all the skills they were looking for; however, I didn't ask, so I don't know for sure. One of the skills was knowing Word Perfect, and I can honestly say that I know Word Perfect now. We put it on our computer and I've been working with it, so chalk one up for my learning! Yay! The other skill was shorthand, so I bought a speedwriting book, and am trying to learn it. I am able to go to Saskatoon Business College to build up my speed since I went there and graduated earlier.

So, no job yet. But that may actually be a good thing because I'm scheduled to get my eyes done at Horizon next week. This is scary for me. I've spent my whole life wearing glasses. I don't know what it would be like to be able to see without them.

I do know what it is like to go without sleep, though. And right now my little girl is screaming her head off. She had one of her immunization shots today, and I made the mistake of trying to give her Tylenol while she was still half asleep, so now she is having a fit. Hopefully it won't take me two weeks to get back to writing again.

See ya.

Wow. Time sure does fly. I've been job searching full force. I've already made my second batch of resumes to hand out. I've been to 2 interviews: one I turned down, the other they gave the position to someone else. But I have an interview tomorrow morning, so let's hope that one goes well. I think I would do much better if I didn't get so nervous in trying to make a good first impression. The times I did get a job out of the interview, I was really relaxed. The one it didn't really matter to me if they picked me or not. The other, I didn't think I could get it because of timing and my previous commitments. Whenever I've really wanted something, I must do something to make myself not so well liked. Hmmm......... I guess I'll let you know how it goes.

I had intended to start my job hunting tomorrow; however, earlier this week I started getting a cold and now it has hit me full force. When I talk I either sound like Kermit the Frog or it comes out in barely more than a whisper. Not the best way to make a good first impression.

I played racquetball yesterday, and it felt GREAT! It doesn't even feel like exercise. I really hope to keep it up. I just have to find my racquet, though. I had to use one at the club because I put mine away somewhere so my three year old wouldn't get it, and now I can't remember where I put it! Go figure.

Well, have a good day!

Hi! I managed to fast all of yesterday with no problem. I wasn't hungry and only felt the "need", "desire" to eat when I was around food. I was feeling so good that I was tempted to continue my fast through today, but I hadn't felt led to do a longer fast, so I broke it this morning. Bruce and I were talking about how in the Orthodox church, fasting once a week is normal. Apparently it's normal in the Jewish faith/community too. He suggested that I start fasting once a month before jumping in to do once a week. We'll see. I'm new to fasting and have had such a great experience so far that I think every Christian should do it. Of course, then I need to remember that we are not all the same, and I may have felt differently a number of years ago. Although, if I think about it, I've felt the importance to fast ever since I was in Bible College and just never have until recently. It has really been the support I receive from the Freedom You Bulletin Board that has encouraged me to step out and practice the discipline of fasting. Come to think of it, I should read Richard Foster's Book, Celebration of Discipline again. Especially the chapter on fasting.

So, I officially gave my notice this morning at the racquetball club. I'm really going to miss seeing the kids and the parents. It's almost not real that I won't be going there after the end of the month. I had signed up for racquetball on Saturdays to go through to March, and I'm planning to do those still. I'll have to pay for them now, though, since I won't have a membership any more.

I was thinking, as I was reading some past posts, how ironic it is that just after I said I was happy with my life, my life changes. And not just little change, either. I also think it's perfect timing that on Sunday Dwayne Barkman from West Portal Church came to our service and spoke of when the Israelites had to cross the Jordon. The priests had to jump right into the water before the river was stopped and the people could cross. I said to Bruce that this feels more like jumping off a cliff then stepping into a river! I know God is able. It's putting the faith I have in my head into practice with the rest of my life. It's still scary.

WOW. There has been enormous change since I last wrote. It's been a whirlwind here, let me tell you.

Over supper last Thursday (the 9th), Bruce told me how he has missed the kids since being at work. This led into a discussion about his taking parental leave until Shaeleigh is one to see if he can handle being at home with the kids full time. If it works, then I will be working and he will stay at home to look after the kids. Then he can take classes on line from Providence and not be so stressed. If he can get a few classes out of the way before we leave to go to school full time, then there will be less stress. Plus, the kids will be a little older then.

I'm nervous. I haven't looked for a job in *years*. And I've been out of the work force for over 3 years. Not as long as some, I know. But it's still long enough to be nervous.

I just tried to visit Haloscan (the site where I got my comments) and it's not there. I'll try again later, but this may be why I'm having trouble with my comments. It's good to know it's not me.

First, let me say, I am unsure as to why my comments appear and disappear at random. Sometimes you see them and sometimes you do not. Computers. . . .

What I really wanted to write about tonight is some stuff I saw on the television. I was holding my daughter (trying to get her to sleep) and channel surfing when I caught the last part of something about women as lawyers and how so many are leaving the profession even though there is an enrollment of about 60 percent in law school. It has started me thinking about, "Do I really know what I'm getting myself into - thinking about going back to law school?" I've thought that I was fairly sure that I want to do this once my kids are old enough, but once again I'm reminded of how huge the time commitment is going to be. And even though there seem to be a lot of women entering an area that has been mostly male dominated for what seems like forever, law is still geared towards a male menatlity. It's made me question if it's an area I really want to go. I think I would really enjoy law. I'm just not sure I'm up to the fight in a male dominated career. Sure, I'm competitive. But my family comes first.

The other thing I wanted to talk about is: I caught part of the National on CBC and how a man was talking with Christians and Muslims. I'm not sure where he was, but there seems to be quite a division and both sides claim that they only fight in defense. Young boys are making weapons and killing other human beings. It makes me cry. If my heart is breaking, what does God think of all this? All this killing and violence in the name of God. I'm guessing that it makes him cry, too.

So, now where to start?

My in-laws are here, which is nice. It's hard to believe the holidays are almost over. Bruce goes back to work tomorrow. It was nice having him home.

I went for coffee today with an ex-boyfriend. It went well. I hadn't seen him in about 5 years or so. I'm so thankful for my life. I love my husband, my kids, my friends, and especially God. He has been so faithful to me. I wish for him the same relationship I have with God.

I can't imagine living without God. How would I even manage day-by-day? How do people do it? He is my strength. He is my rock. He is my reason for living. Without God, life is meaningless. What is the chief end of man? To glorify God. All I am is because of God. Everything I have is because of God. There is nothing I have to give him which he has not already given me. So many things I've heard before and now there is clarity. A new understanding of what these sayings mean. It's like reading the same passage of scripture over and over again until all of a sudden one day the light goes on and I say, "Oooohhhhhh, I get it!"

The tree is down. We have room in our living room again. We have a new vacuum cleaner, and that makes me happy. It's a bagless one with a hepa filter. And it's even purple!!!! Yay!!!

Boy, I'm sure jumping all over the place tonight. Did I mention that I love my life?

The last time I tried to do anything, I couldn't publish. So here I am again trying to work on this. I have a lot to say, but am afraid to type it all out until I find out if I can publish. So. . . . here goes.