I Miss Our Receptionist

I really love my job. I think I've said that before, but I really do. That's not to say that there aren't times when I get frustrated.

I've learned that I really love our receptionist. She does an amazing job of answering the phones, greeting clients and getting work done. I really miss her when she's not here. Today is one of those days when she isn't here, and I feel as though I'm not getting any work done. Which is really . . . (need a word here, but can't think of one) since my boss let me know last week how much he appreciates all the hard work I've been doing. Our receptionist had been gone for a week, and I really loved having her back. I'm looking forward to when she'll be back, again. Treat receptionists with respect -- they totally deserve it for the work they do.

And I'm really sore today, too. I was helping a friend paint on Saturday and didn't realize how much bending I was doing, so it actually hurts my quads when I walk. I thought it would be better by today, but it's not.

Okay, I'll stop whining now and get back to work.

I'm Concerned - My Son

My son keeps saying that he wants to be a girl, he wants to be me, or he wants to be his sister. He prefers us to say that he's pretty instead of handsome and says that being a boy is boring.

I'm not sure if I should be really concerned or not. I'm not entirely sure how to handle it. I remember when I was younger, I didn't want to be a girl. But I didn't really want to be a boy. I didn't want to be me because I didn't like me or my life. In fact, I never really came to accept who I am until I was in my 20s.

I don't want to give too much attention to his claims of wanting to change gender. But, on the other hand, I don't want to completely ignore him, either. I'm just not sure how to help him to see that he is a wonderful boy who will grow into a wonderful man - that God gave him special gifts and abilities - and that who he is is okay.

I don't know if my parents ever knew that I struggled like that. I don't remember them doing or saying anything to help me appreciate who I am. But my memories are skewed to how I perceived things as a child, and I'm not sure that Brendan will remember any of this when he grows up, either.

Being Organized

I generally tend toward being an organized person. However, I also tend toward being a pack rat (everything can be used for something, eventually!). The two don't go very well together -- at least they don't in my house. The result is usually that there are piles of papers and "stuff" sitting on the counters all the time. It gets to the point where I can't take it any more, so out comes a box and everything just gets piled into the box for me to sort out later.

Well, generally life is so busy that later can be months or even years before I get to sorting out that box. Coupons are expired, information that I had been wanting months ago is found (but useless now). It makes it a lot easier for me to start throwing things out that way, but it's not very practical.

Now, it happens to be income tax time. Usually I procrastinate on doing our taxes but with our van needing to be fixed, and it costing a whole lot more than what we have, I figured I should do our income tax. We should be getting money back, and it will really help right now. I remember getting our forms in the mail at the beginning of January. I also remember thinking, "Why do they send these forms out so early? We never get our T4s this early, or anything else I'll need to do our income tax. These will just get lost." So, guess what has happened? I couldn't find the forms in any of the usual places so I went hunting in those boxes.

I didn't find the forms. I found a lot of expired coupons, old birthday cards, more paper junk than any one person should have on hand. And I found two cheques - dated 2003. You probably thought I was exagerating about how long it takes me to get to these boxes. Nope. I wasn't.

I know cheques expire after six months, and I was thinking, "Oh, man! I can't believe that we didn't cash these!" My husband said, "I don't remember being so wealthy back then that we could afford to not cash those." So, I had a thought. Maybe (cross your fingers and hope really hard) if we contact the people who wrote those cheques, they will be kind enough to re-issue them. (I wasn't holding my breath, though.)

When I got home from work today, I asked Bruce if he had called about the cheques. He had, and if we send them back, we will get new ones! I am so excited! We can really use the money now and it's a total surprise.

So, that doesn't say much for my housekeeping abilities, but it is kind of like finding money in the pocket of a jacket you haven't worn for months. I'm really glad. And maybe it's not totally a God thing (or maybe it is), but I just have to say, "God is good!"

Me before my laser eye surgery 

That Kind of Day

Do you ever have one of those days? I'm having one today.

This morning when I started up our van I heard a funny noise. I pointed it out to my husband, and he said we would probably need to have our timing chain adjusted. Well, after he dropped me off at work, I hear the three of them come back into my office. The van broke about half a block down the street. So we needed to phone CAA to have it towed, and while Bruce was out waiting for the tow truck to come, my kids were hanging out with me at the office.

We still don't know the kind of damage we're going to have to pay for, but in it all I did notice a few things.

1. What a blessing that the van broke down so close to my work. I got to work okay, and the kids didn't have to wait outside in the freezing cold with their dad while he was waiting for the tow truck.

2. I work in a great office that was totally okay with my kids hanging out for a while. And, one of my co-workers has two kids about my kids' ages and so she offered to give them a ride home since she had car seats in her car. Thank-you God that my family was able to make it back home safely.

3. My son can still go to school because when his auntie found out that our van broke down, she offered to give him a ride to school.

So basically all I'm left with is trying to get back in step with my work load. I had someone say that when you have a day that starts off not-so-great, sometimes it's just better to admit that it's a write-off. I don't know if it's just that I'm stubborn, or the fact that I can see the postitives out of today, but I'm not ready to throw the towel in yet. Besides, I have too much work to do!

The Dream Giver

I've finished reading the Dream Giver by Bruce Wilkinson. It was a very easy read. I could have done it in one sitting if I had that much time at once. I actually felt as though it could have been published in a little book - there wasn't a lot of content in it. The parable at the beginning was really good. I enjoyed it. It was also nice to have the explanation of the parable and some examples from his life.

During his talk at Breakforth, Bruce Wilkinson used a lot of what he had in his book. It's nice to have as reference, and I think that I will lend it out to others. I really think it would be good for my husband to read, and anyone who is unsure of what in the world they are doing here in the first place.

I had really enjoyed listening to him as a speaker. The concepts he expresses about how God made us really makes sense, and he is able to articulate them in an understandable, down-to-earth way. It helped me to realize that I'm not going to pursue being a lawyer. I had thought that since I enjoy being a legal assistant so much that I would go back to school to become a lawyer. But the truth of the matter is I don't like to bring work home. I work hard, but that is separate from my home life. I also want to have the time to invest in drama pursuits and maybe see more about talking with people about adoption and crisis pregnancies. I don't know how everything God has put in my heart is going to play out, yet, but I'm looking forward to finding out.

Making Time - My Children

Talk about lacking time. Work was really busy on Friday, and I didn't get a chance to blog at lunch (I barely had time to eat lunch) and I knew I would have an appointment today at lunch and not get a chance to blog. So I had intentions of getting here on the weekend to write something down. Well that didn't happen either. And at the rate the busy-ness is, if I don't make time for this, it just won't happen. Kind of like the devotion time we were having for Lent. It's not even a week in and we have already missed two days. And I'd bet we'd both say we'd skip tonight, except I'm going to be stubborn, and insist that we do it anyway, even though we are both really tired.

What I really wanted to mention is that our church had communion last night. It was a time of focusing on the Cross (we have a really huge, rough-looking cross in our sanctuary). And we had papers and pens to write what we wanted to put on the cross. The funny thing is, I thought, "I don't have anything to put on the Cross. I think I've been really open with God. I'm not holding onto anything." And then, WHAM!!, I remembered about the post I wrote a couple days ago -- about having a hard time letting God take care of my children instead of me. Then I realized, just like many other times in my life, I had a little glimpse of what God was going to ask of me before he asked. So I wrote my children down on that piece of paper, thanking God for the blessing of being able to raise them, but recognizing that they aren't really mine. They are God's. I am just blessed by having the privilege of raising them.

That was a quick realization. Now we'll see how well I do in actually living out that belief.

Making Time for our Dreams

Bruce and I started doing The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren together for Lent. In the past we have given up TV, beef, or other such things. I found with the TV being off (actually it was in our basement unplugged so the kids wouldn't ask every day to watch it) we broke a bad habit of watching so much television. It was nice to find time in the day again. Of course, now it is filled with so many other things -- one of them not being a devotional time together. So that is why we are spending time together for Lent instead of taking something out of our lives. Instead, we are putting something into our lives -- something that should have been a part of our marriage right from the beginning.

Why does it seem so hard to "make time" for God? We make time for a lot of things, but that just seems to be one of the last priorities on our list. And it's funny because the first chapter in the book talks about how our focus is wrong, and that's why we can't seem to find purpose to our lives. It's all about "me, myself and I." But instead it should be about God. And he is not just our "starting point," He is our source.

One of the points that I've been mulling over in Warren's book talks about how we can't rely on my dreams, my plans and my ambitions. And yet, I've been reading a book by Bruce Wilkinson called The Dream Giver. It talks about how God has given us our dreams. We have dreams because God made us for a reason, and then He put that reason in our hearts. That's why we have our strengths (and our weaknesses) and we usually all have big dreams. So what's the difference between it being my dream and it being the dream God gave me?

Do I Trust God With My Children?

I had a dream this morning. In my dream, God was asking me to die for Him so that many would come to know Him. But I was arguing with God, saying, "Who is going to be there for my children, then?"

For a while I've sensed that God is asking me to let go of my children. To trust Him and be willing to obey Him more than my love for my kids. This is really hard to actually do. Oh, I can say that I love God more, but when it really comes down to it, I hold onto my children very tightly. They really do mean the world to me. And with my polycystic kidney disease, I worry sometimes that something could happen to me and my babies would be without a mother.

But the real question is, "Do I trust God enough to believe that even if I am not able to, He will take care of my children?" I don't know. My response leads me to believe that I do not. So how do I get to the point where I can really let them go? How did I get to the point where I was happy being single (before I was married)? I don't know.

Breakforth

I went to Breakforth last weekend (the last weekend in January), and it was an amazing time. Initially I had to get over my own misgivings that I was carrying with me into the weekend. I had a preconceived idea that I was going to be alone in crowds of thousands of people (I had a bad experience at Youth Quake when I was in high school).

I started my Friday feeling sorry for myself, lacking sleep and being sicker than I ever like to be. Not thinking that I could try to use a phone to call the people I had ridden with to Edmonton (although, in hindsight it wouldn't have worked because for some reason my calling card wouldn't work), I was wandering from my "class" back to the Shaw Centre and called out to God, "Please, I need to see just one familiar face!" Not 30 seconds later I ran into one of the men from our group. "Thank you, God!" After a short nap later in the afternoon, my world started to look much better.

Basically over the whole weekend, the message I took home was:

I need to grow up - God had let me know a while ago about this. He had told me that I'm not a child anymore. I'm not fully mature yet, either. I'm like a teenager. So I need to start learning to stand on my own spiritually and take responsibility for myself. The interesting thing about this is that I will be 17 years old this year in my walk with God.

I need to not forget the Dream that God made me for - I'm not really sure how this all will pan out. Ever since I was a child, I wanted to act. I remember a friend of mine going to an audition and being so jealous that my parents would never take me (of course, I don't think I ever told them. I just assumed they were all-knowing parents). Now I lead our drama team at church, but feel most of the time as though there are so many other people who would be so much more qualified than I am to be leading. I just have the passion for drama, but lack a lot of the practical know-how.

I've wanted to be a speaker for a long time, but am unsure about what. When I have spoken in the past, I start with a lot of nervousness, but often have people come up to say how much they've enjoyed what I've said. Again, I lack the confidence that I'm qualified to be speaking about anything.

I am also a leader, have always been a leader, but have always felt as though I'm a leader that nobody wants to follow. So I have no idea what kind of leader that is. I am definitely not a follower, though. I can work in a team, can understand and follow within a leadership structure, but I'm not afraid to speak out and stand up for what I believe in. I also tend to be more task-oriented instead of people-oriented. When I'm under stress, the task can become more important to me than the people. I know this isn't right, and so I work hard at trying to remember that.

But I also need to remember that about a year ago, a man gave me a word from God. The gist of it was that it doesn't matter what education I have, or whether or not I think that I'm doing great things. God doesn't look at my accomplishments and what I'm doing through the same eyes that the world does. What matters is that I'm obedient. That I was right where God wanted me to be, and He was pleased. When I remember that feeling -- hearing those words right then meant the world to me -- to know that God is pleased is the most I could ever hope for.

Yet, I'm doing right now a job (that I'm getting paid for) that I love. It took me a while to get back into working in a law firm, but I really just absolutely love the work I do.

So, how all that fits together, I'm not sure.

I need to be rooted in prayer - The reason I am where I am and not further toward what God would have me be/do is because although I've known for a while that I need to pray (all the time), I have not actually done what I know. This needs to change.

Musically Challenged

My husband, Bruce, asked me to do this questionaire.

10 albums randomly pulled from my collection:

1. Margaret Becker - Simple House
2. The Lion King Soundtrack
3. Jars of Clay - self-titled album
4. Amy Grant - Unguarded
5. Steven Curtis Chapman - Signs of Life
6. Petra - Beat the System
7. Susan Ashton - Wakened by the Wind
8. Neil Diamond - Johnathan Livingston Seagull
9. Rich Mullins - Winds of Heaven
10. Whiteheart - Freedom

Total # of music files on my computer:

None

The last CD I bought:

savage garden - self titled album (I actually got it at a garage sale)

Last song I listened to:

The radio was on at work, so whatever was on there. I don't really pay attention, though, since it's not at my desk. So the last music I really "listened" to was at Breakforth in Edmonton last weekend.

5 songs I listen to often and/or that mean a lot to me:

Better is One Day - I don't own this on CD, but I love to sing this at church

Today - This is a new one I heard for the first time last weekend. It's written by Brian Doerksen - and again, I don't have it on CD

All the songs on isaiah's answer (there are 5 songs on the CD) - I find these songs really lift my spirit and bring my thoughts to God

Easter Song - Keith Green

Emmanuel - Amy Grant

5 People to whom I'm passing this questionnaire:

Anyone who actually reads this. I'm not sure that would be even 5 people.