Friday, February 13, 2009

Entry from work

I thought I was coming out of a funk and was doing much better emotionally. Then I was hit today with a co-worker accusing me of being unapproachable and disrespectful. And not only was I confronted with it, but felt as though I had been blindsided with this information.

I walked away from the meeting unsure of what to do next. I wanted to cry (and did a little). I was thinking, "You want unapproachable. I can give you unapproachable!" And then realized that attitude IS disrespectful, and I’d be exactly what I was being accused of.

It brought back feelings of hurt from being accused last summer. I had a family member say I am manipulative, lazy and irresponsible. I’m still trying to recover from those accusations. I’m not sure the relationship will ever be the same. Not that I really want it the same. But at least before I had no animosity toward the family member. I just couldn’t figure out what I had done to cause such hostility towards me. Once I realized what it was, I was overwhelmed. It wasn’t even anything I knew how to correct as I don’t see myself that way.

As is the case here. I don’t know how to correct a behaviour that I don’t see myself as. I had never thought I was being disrespectful. I’m quite aware that I come across tactless sometimes, and think that I end up overcorrecting sometimes to try to make up for it. Apparently not well enough. I’m still a moronic idiot who is socially unaware.

And then I wonder why my son is struggling so much in school. He doesn’t get the social cues of his behaviour toward others. He isn’t accepting responsibility for his actions. He desperately wants others to like him and can’t figure out why he doesn’t have many friends.

Our roles for charisma suck.

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