Adoption

My life has been heavily influenced by adoption. My mom was adopted in 1954 when closed adoptions were the only option available to mothers who wanted to place their children. When I was 3 my mom and birth father divorced. My mom remarried when I was 6 and shortly after that my step-dad adopted me. He is my Dad. When I was in my early 20s I had a son and placed him for adoption with an open adoption.

Therefore, I have been involved with adoption in a variety of ways.

Attitudes toward adoption have changed since my mom was adopted. But not as much as I would hope. My grandma seemed to have the attitude that since my mom’s birth mother placed my mom for adoption, she must have been a bad person. I think that is why it was so hard for my grandmother when I decided to place my son for adoption. All these ideas she had about what my mom’s birth mom had to be like were being challenged. She never thought I was a bad person. I was a good kid (mostly). I was smart. I seemed to have enough sense to do well. So why would I choose to give away my baby? She couldn’t see that it wasn’t about me. It was about my child. I knew that I would most likely be a single parent. I saw the single parents around me who were struggling. A 16-year old with no education had been struggling with raising her daughter. A 20-year old working on her nursing degree was struggling. My dad who had a fairly secure job was struggling. I couldn’t physically or emotionally be two people.

But it still felt like I had to fight to defend my right to place my son for adoption. It appeared to me then, and still seems to be the case now, that the options for unplanned pregnancies were as follows:

1. Parent.
2. If you can’t parent, abort.
3. If you can’t parent and won’t abort, then as a last resort you could consider adoption.

Maybe I’m wrong. But I don’t think so. Even my doctor when I found out about my pregnancy first suggested abortion, and then after the baby was born came and said, “You know there are programs to help you financially if you decide to keep your baby.” She was communicating to me that abortion or parenting should be considered before adoption.

Why are we so opposed to the thought of someone else raising a child? Our child? I spoke with a friend once about it, and she had a friend tell her that she’d rather kill her baby than give it to someone else. Are we that selfish?

Don’t get me wrong. I still think women should be able to choose. I don’t want to go back to the days when women were ostracised because they were pregnant before being married. Where girls were forced to give up their babies before they even saw them. Where all ties are expected to be severed never to cross paths again.

Open adoption has been wonderful for me, and I assume it is better for my son. I haven’t lived each day wondering if he is okay. I was able to walk through the grief of letting go with the confidence of knowing he is okay. I didn’t have this huge cloud of unknowing hanging over me. And I never want him to grow up wondering about this huge void in his life that is typical of children who are adopted. I don’t’ want him to have to question if he was loved at all times in his life. He most definitely was.

I just don’t think we give women who are in one of the most difficult times in their lives (raging hormones during an unplanned pregnancy) the tools to adequately make informed decisions about what they are going to do. Of course, there are some women who aren’t in a very good frame of mind to hear all the options. It’s like panic sets in, and you start being reactive instead of proactive.

If I had not made a decision before my pregnancy that I would never get an abortion out of convenience, I most likely would have seriously considered it longer than I did. Oh, yes, I thought about it. On the surface it appeared to be the “easy” way out. No one would have to know. My life wouldn’t have to change. The reality is, it wouldn’t have been the easy way out. It would have changed me forever.

The information on all the available options needs to get to women in crisis with unplanned pregnancies. They need to be given the tools to make informed decisions, without being coerced in one direction or another. Unfortunately, I’m not sure it will ever happen. We all have our opinions and worldviews. Even those helping girls with unplanned pregnancies most likely have preconceived ideas of what they think would be best for these women. Obviously, even I do. I would strongly recommend parenting or adoption over abortion.

Ultimately, we need to realize that a woman in an unplanned pregnancy needs to make the choice. And she needs to own her choice. The only person she is guaranteed to wake up to every morning is herself. And if she can’t look at herself in the mirror and live with her choice, that would be a shame.