Another Change. Another Beginning

It has only been 2 days…… and I already feel like my whole life has changed.

I had a doctor’s appointment Wednesday. It wasn’t anything unusual in that I have been going to the Chronic Kidney Disease Unit for years already. It has been no secret that I live with PKD (polycystic kidney disease), and that I am regularly monitored for kidney function. Sometimes when people find out, they are surprised. I guess because I have a chronic illness I shouldn’t be raising a family, working and going to law school. I’ll admit, some days it feels a little crazy, but I assume everyone’s life is to some extent.

And I have known that I am in kidney failure. I have said it enough times to people. But it didn’t seem like a big deal. Yes, I knew dialysis was coming. I knew it would happen “some day.” I just didn’t really believe that “some day” would be so soon. I really thought it was further away. But it’s not. The day has come. Tuesday, in fact, will be my first dialysis treatment.

When they told me Wednesday that it was time and they would book something for me within the next week or two, I was fine. It was still “some day.” But today I got the call, and I start on Tuesday -- my first treatment. All of a sudden it’s real. This is really happening to me. I am really going to have to readjust the way I live my life. Everything will be planned around my treatments.

So, now what is the etiquette for this? Do I have to tell people personally? A part of me wants to tell everyone I see, and a part of me doesn’t want to really talk about it at all for fear that I’ll start crying. I guess that is why I came here. A “safe” place to share.

The nurses kept asking me how I was doing. I said I honestly didn’t know if I was handling it well, or if I was in shock. Overwhelmed may be a good way to describe how I’m feeling. There is so much to arrange. So much to re-arrange. So much to consider and still to do.

I have a friend who is concerned that I don’t know how to say “no” and that I’ll take on too much, still. I suppose I am a little bit of an over-achiever. Sometimes, anyway. I think it is because I am afraid I will be seen as being lazy. So will I be lazy if I can’t keep doing all the things I do and be on dialysis? I know already there will be some who will say there is no reason why I can’t keep doing everything. I would just need to make sure I manage my time properly. Do those people realize there are times when I would love to just say, “to heck with everything” and throw up my hands and give up? When is enough enough? When is it okay to say, “I can’t do that,” and not have someone think less of me?

I’ll tell you something, though. There is no way I am going to give up on my family. And there is no way I’m going to quit school. I am going to get my law degree, and I am going to do my best to keep a healthy family in the process. And my faith is my anchor, so….. that is my starting point. Every day is a blessing, as are the people in my life.

Thank you, for being a blessing in my life.