I feel like I am not really me. I know that sounds like something out of a science fiction story, but I am not sure how else to describe how I am feeling.
As I was walking to class this morning, it felt as though I was willing myself to walk, but it sort of isn't me walking. My head feels light and foggy. My limbs are kind of numb. Not like when you cut off the circulation and they are tingling. It's more like an anesthetic - everything is surreal. I am performing these actions, but it is a little like going through the motions. I keep going because this is what I have always done.
No, I am not drugged. I almost wish I was. My arm hurts. My back hurts. I ache all over. And I want to sleep but can't.
This makes me glad that my life is fairly routine. I know what is coming and I can keep going. I feel like this whole dialysis thing is a huge adjustment. I think before I started I assumed that it would just become the new normal. But it is not feeling normal, yet. I know, it has only been one week. And I know that I was told it would be about a month before I noticed an improvement in the way I feel. But somehow that doesn't stop my expectations that I should be able to just keep on going.
In a way, I guess that is what I am doing. It is just that I am going in a dream. I wonder what my life will look like when I wake up?
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