Would the World Please Stop?

I need to get off for a while.


My son lost his best friend this week. Erik Herlen was doing exactly what he should have been doing. He followed the safety rules he was told and waited at the lights to cross the busy street. When the light turned green, he crossed on his way to school. Unfortunately, the bus turning left didn’t see him. The accident happened on Tuesday. Life has not been the same since then.

Today is the funeral. I overheard my son telling someone yesterday he is not sure which day is going to be the worst day of his life – Tuesday or Saturday. The day his friend died, or the day he has to say goodbye. I don’t know, either.

It seems so unfair. He had so much more to do. There was so much possibility. He and my son never ended up having the sleepover we tried to plan. We don’t have an album of pictures. Those boys were supposed to help each other through the rough teen years. Talking about girls. Laughing when their voices crack. Seeing who had to shave first.

I have always prayed that my kids would have good friends and be good friends. That was Erik. I am so glad he was a part of our lives. I can’t believe he is gone.

The Book of Three

I have been reading The Book of Three by Lloyd Alexander to my son at night. He has to listen to it for his homeschooling book club. I tried getting him to read it earlier this year, but he said it was boring. Now that I am reading it out loud, he is really enjoying it. It is very easy to read and the characters are quite funny. Inevitably while I am reading the chapter he will laugh at one of the characters. Afterward, he will quote his favourite funny line(s). Bruce has been listening, too, since he is the one teaching Brendan and needs to know the story for when the book club gets together. He has said he thinks Lloyd Alexander drew heavily from Celtic mythology in the writing.

The story is about an Assistant Pig-Keeper (Taryn), who has fantastical ideas of what a hero is until he is plunged into an adventure of his own. His companions are a scruffy creature who loves his crunchings and munchings (Gurgi), a young girl with attitude (Eilonwy), and a king turned bard who can't keep his enchanted harp strings from breaking because of his tendency to stretch the truth (Fflewdddur Fflam). It is a story about true courage, camaraderie and growing up.

Sometimes I find the world has a sense of humour. I was reading an article about Why McDonald's Happy Meal hamburgers won't decompose. On the left side beside the article is an Ads by Google.


Do you find this as funny as I do?

Obsessed About Time

It's hard to believe I am already half way through first semester of law school. I remember being a kid and thinking how slowly time went by. I would hear the adults complain about how quickly time flew. I wonder what changes our persepctive. The amount of stuff we have to do in a day? Having more responsibilities? Age?

When I started school one of the profs mentioned that if we didn't come into law school with time management skills, we would have to learn them quickly. I also heard that as adult learners we attach our new knowledge to what we already know.

So if I know there are only 24 hours in a day and I need at least eight hours of sleep a night to function well, getting ready for the day and getting ready for bed takes up about three hours a day, and classes and work are about seven or eight hours a day, that leaves five hours a day for homework, church, family and free time.

Hmmmmm....... I need to ponder that. Oh. Wait a minute. I better not take too long, or I won't have time to eat!

Homeschooling

Last year Bruce and I jumped into homeschooling our son. (Okay, well Bruce does the homeschooling more than I do.) It has been great. Our son changed from being a walking time bomb to a confident kid. Reading an article called Experiences of ADHD-Labeled Kids Who Switch from Conventional Schooling to Homeschooling or Unschooling by Peter Gray in Psychology Today back in September was enlightening. We could really relate to this article with our son.

Today we were talking with another parent who is thinking of homeschooling. I am not against traditional schooling methods (our daughter is in the school system), but traditional methods are definitely not for everyone. I encouraged her to look into what homeschooling is about, do some research on the different methods and talk with other parents who are homeschooling their kids. And I also said to keep in mind that the first year is not one to expect to get places fast. It is a year of de-stressing for the student and learning for the parent. We had a plan when we started (okay, Bruce had the plan), and some of it happened and some of it didn't. But it was still a great year.

Mostly we just keep in mind that our son is smart and loves to learn. As long as we keep educational material on hand, he learns. He even learns when he isn't "doing school." Sneaky, huh? Just don't tell him that he really never stops learning!

Happy Thanksgiving!

A few days ago I realized I had forgotten that it is Thanksgiving this weekend. Bruce suggested that was okay because we could just have a quiet dinner with just us. That way I could get all my homework done. I had intended to do my reading for this upcoming week and work on briefing the cases in my text books. At work on Friday I mentioned that I was afraid I’d end up wasting the whole weekend away because I’m so tired.

Well, I haven’t really done any school work yet. I spent Friday evening with my kids watching Monsters Inc. My daughter asked who we are going to have over for Thanksgiving and we said no one. She said we had to have SOMEone, so I thought I’d see if my brother wanted to come over. Then we thought of Bruce’s cousin who is in town. Well, it turns out he has two cousins in town this weekend, and they would love to come over. So our dinner by ourselves has turned into seven adults and three kids. We spent Saturday baking bread and getting stuff ready for supper on Sunday.

I’m really excited because it really doesn’t feel like Thanksgiving unless you spend it with others. And I haven’t wasted the weekend away.

Time Management

I only have so much time and about a gazillion things I want to do in it. Didn't someone somewhere say that we would have more time with all the time-saving devices we have in our lives? I think maybe our expectations of what we can accomplish must have risen with all those devices.

My time now is under strict management. I thought I had very little time before. Now I find that I need to master my time before it masters me. My days are full with school, work, family and church. Unfortunately, in that order. And then I desperately try to squeeze in computer (Neopets and Facebook mostly) and Lost (we are on Season 3. Don't spoil it for me, I don't know what happens).

I was reading a friend's blog and realized I haven't been around here for a while. I'd like to start writing again. I missed posting things like:
* worrying about whether or not I'd get into Law School,
*vibrating when I received my letter of offer from the College of Law,
*planting our garden,
*neglecting our garden,
*camping for 4 weeks this summer,
*coming home with ice cream to make shakes and nachos for supper,
*etc., etc.

I'm sure I can be the time master and blog again. Do you think I can find a time-turner like in Harry Potter?

It's Not About Me

After class I sometimes talk with one of my fellow classmates. Usually about sociological topics, and then it often turns toward spiritual matters as well. That may be because I can’t see how anything I do, say or think cannot be affected by my faith.

In our latest conversation I said something that actually really impacted me, too. I said, “It’s not about me.” I can’t remember exactly how the conversation went, but we were talking about a lot of different things including humility and giving.

How my statement has impacted me is that I need to lose weight. And I have been struggling with that losing of weight. Part of the issue is that my heel hurts so badly, I can’t walk; therefore, I have not been exercising. But it is also that I keep eating a lot, as though I am getting exercise. And so the statement, “It is not about me,” means that I have to think beyond myself in this. It’s not about me wanting to eat those chips. It’s not about me wanting a pop. It doesn’t matter that I’m craving a french vanilla cappuccino. I need to think about my family. Think about my kids. My husband. My friends. Quite honestly, I don’t think much beyond my kids (sorry, honey). And even then, I most times don’t think beyond my self and my mouth. So now I need to remember:

IT IS NOT ABOUT ME.

US Health Care

Most days I watch CTV late night news on my computer over my lunch break. Today (or last night) the top news story was about changes to US health care. There is a lot of controversy over the changes, with people strongly for or against social health care in the US. One American said something that I wanted to make sure I wrote out.

“It’s not the American Way. We don’t provide things for everybody. We provide for ourselves.”

That just seemed to sum up a lot to me.

Weight (...Wait?)

I have known for years (as you may have seen from past posts) that I need to lose weight. Unfortunately, I tend to head in the wrong direction -- up instead of down. It is such a struggle. But it is the next important step I need to take toward getting a kidney transplant.

This is my understanding of where my kidney transplant is at: I have had all my tests done. Bruce has been tested and is a possible match for a donor. Only they (the medical professionals) won’t continue testing Bruce until I meet certain “requirements.” The requirements left are losing weight. The reason is because in order to give me a kidney, they first have to take a kidney out. Before they will take a kidney out, I have to be at an acceptable weight. My ideal weight is about 60 pounds less than what I am. An acceptable weight for surgery could be about 20 to 40 pounds lighter than I am. I can barely get 2 pounds lighter, let alone 20!

The other thing is that I think they don’t want to take a kidney out until I am on dialysis. Because until then, my kidney, no matter how badly it is functioning, is still functioning. And taking the kidney out will most likely push me to need dialysis immediately anyway.

I’m not sure how close dialysis really is. I have seen the surgeon about access in my arm. Apparently I don’t have good veins in my lower arms, so I have been for an ultrasound on my upper arms. That was fun. Not. I was gooped up from my neck, down my armpits and to my elbows. Not really the greatest time. But I did have a really nice technician who chatted with me, so the whole process wasn’t totally bad. That was at the beginning of February, and I haven’t heard anything back. I’m not even sure if I will hear anything back, or if they just tuck that information away somewhere for when they decide they need to tell me. Or if they decide they need to tell me. Maybe I don’t need to know. I don’t know.

I think sometimes that maybe I stay so busy so I don’t really have to think about all this. There’s not really anything I can do but wait. I wait for appointments. I wait for results. I wait to be told the next thing to do. I wait for my kidneys to fail.

I get asked, “How are you doing?” How do I answer that? Fine? Not so fine? Alright most days except when I become overwhelmed with what is really happening to me and I know my life is going to radically change soon, but I don’t know how soon, and feel totally unprepared, but in the meantime I have to keep going as though everything is normal? Do I say that sometimes I wonder if I’ll see my kids grow up? That I want more than anything to be able to be a grandmother, but I am afraid I will not live to see that day? I know that we all live with the possibility that today could be our last. And I try to let my kids know every day that I love them with all of my being. And I love my husband more than words can say.

So maybe I need to keep those things in mind when I am so stressed I want to eat a chocolate bar. Or the big bag of chips. Or second (or third) helpings at supper.

Lord have mercy on me.

Healing

Now is the time of year, when the weather starts warming up, that many people get sick. Our family is no exception. It began Tuesday morning with our son throwing up. At noon we got a call from school saying to please pick up our daughter because she had thrown up. We had been hoping that the kids were sick because they had eaten some bad coconut the day before, but Tuesday night was my turn in the bathroom, and Wednesday night Bruce’s. I suppose this wasn’t really surprising as two ladies had gone home early from the service Sunday night because they had been sick. The nice thing so far is that it only seems to last a day or so.

I am a confirmed work-a-holic, though. Even though I had been sick Tuesday night, I went into work for four hours on Wednesday. There was work there to be done, and I needed to get in to do it. I slept for the rest of Wednesday, and did both school and work today. But I worked until 9:30 tonight, too.

I wonder sometimes what makes me to work like this. Because, the funny thing is, I have these voices that tell me that I am a lazy person. I remember hearing this when I was younger. It was more indirectly than directly then. It was usually a grandparent making a comment about “these young people nowadays!” And not very long ago I had someone actually accuse me of being lazy. Well, sort of. Not in so many words. But the things I was accused of basically said that. Lazy, manipulative, irresponsible, good-for-nothing. . . . No, wait a minute. The words, “the laziest person she knew” had actually been said.

You know what? Those words were said over a year ago. And they still hurt deeply. I have been trying to remove them. But it’s as though they have wormed their way into me and become a part of anger and bitterness. They are things I know I shouldn’t hold onto, and yet I can’t seem to let them go. And when the conversation plays in my head, it’s like a tape recording rewinding and replaying over and over again. What do I get out of it? A sense of justification? The right to be angry? Being able to play the role of a victim? Where does that get me? Nowhere. What does that get me? Nothing. So WHY? Why can’t I just let go? Why can’t I forgive? I don’t want this anymore. And yet, I can feel that I don’t CHOOSE to forgive.

Maybe it goes with being a broken people. I am a broken person. I am sick, and need healing. Of more than just body. I need healing of soul, too.

Lord have mercy on me.

Lent Begins

Lent in the Holy Orthodox Church is upon us. The first week or so hasn’t been so bad. That may be because we were busy with services every day, and twice on Sunday. But now that the first week is over, even though I’m tired, I am beginning to miss my time-waster: The Computer. I have spent many hours on Neopets, Facebook and Twitter whiling away my evenings staring at a screen, mesmerized and losing track of time. The computer is not just a time waster. It is a time stealer.

Which is funny considering this post is on the computer, eh? I realize that by taking away one bad habit, it is really just leaving room for another one to grow. Which is why this Lent I am hoping to replace my bad habits with good ones; like getting to bed at an earlier time and doing my rule of prayer.

One thing I noticed about going to services every day of the week. I began humming the songs of the Church in my spare time. I don’t remember all of the words, necessarily, but something is getting in there. It made me think of two things. First, that when our children were little and it was frustrating to take them to church, we were told that even though it may seem like nothing was happening (with them or with us) just being there would allow our faith to soak in. And second, is this what it’s like being in a cult? Sometimes it feels a little like being brainwashed. But willingly brainwashed. Being totally submersed in the culture to absorb it through every pore of my being.

I guess, really, that is what my faith is. Something that becomes the very essence of who I am. And hopefully that is Christ in me.

It's No Surprise, I'm Crazy

Someone asked me for a recipe at church yesterday, which reminded me that I hadn’t posted any favourite recipes for a long time, which then reminded me that I haven’t blogged in ages.

I’m not sure that it would be wise to try to post an update on everything that has been happening or has happened since the last post. But I can give a general idea, and hopefully I can make a few posts more regularly over the next while.

I have said more than once lately that I must be crazy.

I have wanted to go to Law School for a long time. For about 10 years or so, in fact. When I first thought I’d like to go, I decided to go to Business College first as the program was only 10 months and not 10 years (okay, that is a little bit of an exaggeration, but you get what I mean). I figured if I could get into a law firm to work, I’d be able to see if that is really what I wanted to do. As it turns out, I love it – working in a law firm, that is. Only in the meantime I ended up meeting my husband and having a couple of children. My plans have been put on hold.

Last Spring we (Bruce and I) talked about my going to university to actually pursue this dream of mine to become a lawyer and decided that I should go for it. I applied and signed up to take a Sociology course, intending to apply to the College of Law for the Fall of 2010.

In the meantime, I received news from my doctor that my kidney function is considerably less than what I had been thinking. I thought I was at about 30 percent kidney function, when in reality I am at about 15 percent. I am starting to notice the effects of this because I am often tired and feel as though I have “fuzzy brain” all the time. Eating also makes me feel kind of ill. So even though I get hungry and still enjoy eating, I also feel like I suffer for it later by being sluggish and feeling kind of gross.

So now I am working full time, taking a university class and have applied for Law School for the Fall while working with my doctors toward dialysis. And, it’s Lent.

Crazy.