Weight (...Wait?)

I have known for years (as you may have seen from past posts) that I need to lose weight. Unfortunately, I tend to head in the wrong direction -- up instead of down. It is such a struggle. But it is the next important step I need to take toward getting a kidney transplant.

This is my understanding of where my kidney transplant is at: I have had all my tests done. Bruce has been tested and is a possible match for a donor. Only they (the medical professionals) won’t continue testing Bruce until I meet certain “requirements.” The requirements left are losing weight. The reason is because in order to give me a kidney, they first have to take a kidney out. Before they will take a kidney out, I have to be at an acceptable weight. My ideal weight is about 60 pounds less than what I am. An acceptable weight for surgery could be about 20 to 40 pounds lighter than I am. I can barely get 2 pounds lighter, let alone 20!

The other thing is that I think they don’t want to take a kidney out until I am on dialysis. Because until then, my kidney, no matter how badly it is functioning, is still functioning. And taking the kidney out will most likely push me to need dialysis immediately anyway.

I’m not sure how close dialysis really is. I have seen the surgeon about access in my arm. Apparently I don’t have good veins in my lower arms, so I have been for an ultrasound on my upper arms. That was fun. Not. I was gooped up from my neck, down my armpits and to my elbows. Not really the greatest time. But I did have a really nice technician who chatted with me, so the whole process wasn’t totally bad. That was at the beginning of February, and I haven’t heard anything back. I’m not even sure if I will hear anything back, or if they just tuck that information away somewhere for when they decide they need to tell me. Or if they decide they need to tell me. Maybe I don’t need to know. I don’t know.

I think sometimes that maybe I stay so busy so I don’t really have to think about all this. There’s not really anything I can do but wait. I wait for appointments. I wait for results. I wait to be told the next thing to do. I wait for my kidneys to fail.

I get asked, “How are you doing?” How do I answer that? Fine? Not so fine? Alright most days except when I become overwhelmed with what is really happening to me and I know my life is going to radically change soon, but I don’t know how soon, and feel totally unprepared, but in the meantime I have to keep going as though everything is normal? Do I say that sometimes I wonder if I’ll see my kids grow up? That I want more than anything to be able to be a grandmother, but I am afraid I will not live to see that day? I know that we all live with the possibility that today could be our last. And I try to let my kids know every day that I love them with all of my being. And I love my husband more than words can say.

So maybe I need to keep those things in mind when I am so stressed I want to eat a chocolate bar. Or the big bag of chips. Or second (or third) helpings at supper.

Lord have mercy on me.