Last night at church I realized that I feel as though I just can't continue on the way I have. I'm having a hard time with 2 jobs, especially with shift work. Not having a regular schedule is taking its toll on me.

I've decided that I need to find something else to replace my shift work job. So I'm revamping my resume and hoping that something better will surface. I know that when I do leave that job, I will feel bad. There are some good people there, and it has served us well when we needed it.

Passion for Drama

The drama last night went really well. I made it through without one cough or sniffle. God is good. I even remembered all of my lines. Of course, I was covered with prayer and was a bundle of nerves. I'm so thankful for everyone who prayed for me.

Now it's time to start working on some of the other dramas that are coming up. It always seems as though I only have enough room in my head (my life) to work on one at a time. But I'm going to have to start thinking about the next 3. Getting together people, props, etc.

I love doing drama so much, I sometimes wonder why there aren't more people who share my passion. Or I assume that everyone sees it the same way I do, and that's not true. It's like at the worship retreat we had at our church a little while ago, we were supposed to bring an item we thought was a visual representation of why we are a part of leading worship. I brought a mirror because I want to be a reflection of God, and I had assumed that many people would bring mirrors. As it turned out, I was the only one. (There were so many other good visual representations, though)

So, I know that there are other people who have great passion for the area they are working in and wonder why more people don't feel the way they do. We all have passions (and gifts) in different areas. I think that's great. Otherwise life would be so boring if we were all the same.

The Bleeding Woman

I'm going to be doing a monologue at church today (our church meets in the evening instead of the morning). This year we are focusing on Transformed Lives - The Lives that Jesus Touched.

It's been amazing to see the process of how this came about. It was actually a year ago that our drama team, Heartbeat, was thinking of doing a fundraiser dessert theatre with short portrayals of the characters of Christmas. But our Christmas was so busy already with drama that we thought maybe it would be better if we could come up with scripts that could be done at any time of the year. That's when we thought of doing monologues based on "The Lives That Jesus Touched." So we began writing and looking for monologues that would work. Then my pastor told me about how God seemed to be leading him to talk about Transformed Lives this year. Well, I saw the connection between his theme and our monologues immediately.

So the one I'm doing tonight is actually one that I wrote myself. The only thing is, I caught a cold over a week ago that I still have. I've been coughing and sniffling and my voice cracks occasionally. Physically, that doesn't make for a good drama performance. I've been praying that especially during the performance I won't have a single cough or sniffle.

Here is the script of the monologue that I'm doing:

You may never believe my story. There is a man, a man named Jesus. I had heard about him. News can travel really fast around here, and everyone was talking about how this man was actually healing people. The lame were getting up and walking. The blind were seeing again.

Well, I wasn’t lame, or blind. But I needed healing, too. I just wasn’t sure if Jesus would see me. I didn’t know if he would think that I was worthy of being healed. You see, I was unclean. Always. Most women are unclean for a short time every month. Not me. I started bleeding, and bleeding, and it wouldn’t stop. The doctor couldn’t to help me. Do you know what that’s like? To know that people will not be with you? To feel like a second-class citizen?

Oh, my husband would try to understand. And he was good for a while. But even he got frustrated. We hadn’t been together for a very long time. No one visited anymore. And I was so alone. It felt as though I’d spent a lifetime crying. The only way I heard anything was from listening to people talking outside. That’s when I heard about Jesus. And I thought to myself, "If only I could just get close enough. Maybe he’ll see me. Maybe he’ll take pity on me. Maybe he will heal me and I won’t be so alone anymore. So I went out. I needed to at least try.

At first I stayed on the edges where the people wouldn’t notice me. Not that anyone would have. There were so many people. Crowds followed him everywhere, all the time. And so did I. I listened. That man – he spoke such words of wisdom. He is filled with such kindness. I do not doubt. He is a holy man.

And then, one day I saw my chance. I thought, "If only I could touch him, surely I will be healed." There were so many people around, I was sure he would not notice. So I did it. When I reached out and touched the hem of his cloak, I felt it. I was healed! It was true! But then he stopped. I was terrified. "Oh, no!" I thought, "He’s noticed!" He asked who touched him. In the crowds of people, there were many touching him, but I knew what he meant. He meant me. What should I do?

I stepped forward. "It was me," I said, afraid that he could take away this wonderful miracle. But I shouldn’t have doubted. Do you know what he said? "Your faith has healed you." My faith! Oh praise be to God! Praised be he in the heavens. Praised be to Jesus the Christ! Messiah!

Now I was crying again, but these were tears of joy. I felt the whole weight of the world lifted from me. I was free! Free from this shame that I carried around. Free from the worry. Free from exile. My Jesus freed me. Yes, my Jesus. I will love him forever. I owe him my life.

Well, good news and bad news today. Which do you want first?

How about the bad news:
I found out my creatnin levels are really high - over 200. This is not a good thing. I've known that they have been high the last couple of years, but they were still under 200. Now, joy of joys, I have to do a 24 hour urine test. I really hate those. I guess I need to be more diligent in taking my bp medicine, too. If I don't I may bring myself closer to renal failure - and that would be really bad.

Now the good:
I phoned the place where I applied (you know, the job I've been obsessing about), and found out that I made the first cut. So now I'm a bundle of nerves again because I'm going to have to do another test. I'm not entirely sure what that means, but at least I still have a chance. And, I'm really excited. Okay, I'm really, really excited!

I started getting sick yesterday, and today was full blown "sick". And I've realized again what I've known for a while; I am a sucky sick person. All I do is whine and complain. I'm worse than a man. ;-)

But more than that, I felt really bad about having to call people to let them know that I wasn't going to be able to make it. I was supposed to be at a meeting, and I was supposed to work. I'm struggling over feeling okay that I cancelled the things I was supposed to do. It's like a part of me is saying, "You're not really that sick. You shouldn't bail out like that." And yet, I could barely function today.

Since I've been thinking about whether or not I have boundary issues, I'm wondering about this guilt I feel for not being well. You know, it's almost like I think that people aren't going to believe that I really am sick. Or that they are going to say that I should have showed up anyway. Well, why does that matter to me? I know that I remember feeling that when I was a kid, but I'm not a kid anymore. And I know there is no way I would blow off work saying that I'm sick when I'm really not. So, is the beating myself up over it the justification I need to prove that I really am sick?

*sigh*

I guess I don't have the answers, but I'll keep looking into the whole boundaries issues -- especially with the guilt that I carry. Then again, maybe it's just because I'm a perfectionist. :-)

I have been obsessing. I have applied for a job and cannot seem to stop thinking about it. It is causing me stress. I would just like to know whether or not I'm moving on to the next round of interviews. It's a job that I really want, so I am also afraid that even if I do end up getting an interview that I'm going to mess it up. It always seems that when I really want a job, I don't get it; and if I would be happy either way, that's when I get it. So how do I get to the point where I'm happy even if I don't get it? I don't know. I've tried to psych God out so many times, but He always seems to know.

Be content in all circumstances, right? I try, but it doesn't always work. Maybe it's like a decision. I just decide that I'm going to be content and then the feelings will follow. Hmm. . . . I'll have to think about that one.

Well, once again I haven't been here for a while, except this time everything has changed on me. So, I tried to just get rid of the advertisement box at the top of my blog, and instead I managed to lose all my previous comments that I had with HaloScan. And even when I tried to install my comments with them, I couldn't get my old comments back on my old posts. Darn.

I have absolutely no idea what I am doing. That's a surprise.

So I found out last night that my grandma died. Now I'm feeling awful because we were so close to being able to see her and now we won't be able to. I'm wondering how I'm ever going to get over this feeling of guilt. We should have gone to see her first.

Now I don't know what we are going to do. I'm not sure what to do. I know that my aunt said that she was not very coherent the last few days of her life, but that doesn't seem to help me to feel better. I wish we were here in BC under better circumstances.

Things don't seem to be going so well for me lately. I think I must be feeling down about myself. I'm feeling as though there's not much good or productive coming from me lately. And while I'm needing encouragement, what I'm hearing is critisism. Oh, it may be constructive critisism, but I'm having a hard time taking it anyway.

I've come back to the thoughts I used to have:

Why would God give me the personality and abilities of a leader when there is no one willing to follow? Why am I like this? Can I be something different? Just for a little while? I don't know how to be a good leader.

Maybe that's all true. Maybe it's all just my perspective. I don't know.

I guess it doesn't help that I'm dealing with the fact that my Grandma has terminal cancer. I'm worried that we won't make it out to see her in time. Or that we will be so close and still miss her.

Pray for me.

This is NOT a Recent Blog

ed. This is not a new post, but for some reason in my profile it will not acknowledge that I have more posts. I don't get it. (Feb. 8/05)

Where to start?

Just a quick update: I'm working full time now. I got a promotion at work. We made it through Passover, and it doesn't really feel like Easter.

So many things have happened. Where am I today? Well, I found out about a site called orkut. Now there's something else to take up my time while I'm on the computer.

The Freedom You Bulletin Board was down for a long time. All the old stuff is gone, but now there is a new board up. Click here if you want to see.

I let my web site expire. I haven't had time for it. Besides, it wasn't very exciting anyway.

My favorite song right now is "Better is One Day". I love it.