My Heart Longs

There are a few songs when I listen to them, I begin to cry. One is I Can Only Imagine, the other is Better is One Day. I may have said this here already, but it’s like my heart knows this place that I will go one day and I can hardly wait. Everything I want, my whole being, just wants to be in the presence of God. If I could do that all the time, nothing else would matter. I would give anything to be there.

Church

Tonight at class we were asked to think about what we think the Church is. Well, according to what we heard tonight, the Church is those who are following the Orthodox church traditions. But not even all Orthodox. Those who rejected the decisions at the 4th Ecumenical Council are out of communion with the rest of the Orthodox Church.

We also heard that the wheat and the tares (weeds) will grow together and at the harvest, the tares will be separated out and burned while the wheat will be harvested. Something new to me was the idea that the 'tares' were weeds that looked like the wheat.

There was a statement made in the tape we listened to today that said, "the grace of God does operate outside the visible boundaries of the Church, but the grace that operates is the grace of the Church." And, "when people find truth and faith, it's often because they've already received the grace of God." There is a variable amount of truth found in the faith outside of Orthodoxy, the issue is that the truth is either added to or taken away from that which was given and handed down from the beginning.

So, what does that mean? What do I think the Church is? First, let me think out loud for a minute.

Let's start back before I was taking these classes and I'm just a regular member of a Protestant denomination. If the above is true then I am not part of the Church. But, I have some of the truth. The grace of God has been extended to me. So I could still be saved from death. At the same time, someone who is part of the Orthodox Church - maybe born and raised - while in the Church, may actually be one of the tares. They will not be saved from death.

Well then my question is, What does it matter if you are really in the Church or not if you are obedient to the truth that you have?

I'll have to think about this. Feedback is welcome.

The Wall & Worship

First: The Wall
This last week I've felt as though I'm done catechism classes. Not done as in I don't need to go back - because there is still a lot to learn. But done as in I'm tired. I've never run a marathon, but have heard that there is a point where the runner feels as though they just can't go on and they need to push through that to get to the finish. That's where I am. I'm tired and want to go sit by the sidelines. But I also want to get to the finish line. So, I'll keep going.

Second: Worship
Yesterday we were invited to go to a worship night at a Protestant church. It was interesting because friends of ours invited us to go after he went to the Vespers service at the Orthodox Church. While I was at the Praise & Worship, I had some thoughts which I wrote down to write here:

God has brought me to the Orthodox Church so that I can grow deeper. I couldn't grow deeper in the Protestant Church because everything it does just reaches the surface. There is a longing in some to grow deeper; however, many are satisfied with the entertainment received once a week. If we want to practice the disciplines which will enable us to go deeper in our walk with God, we are left on our own to fumble through.

Everything in my walk previously has been about me. I've thought I've done really well and have this "special" relationship with God because I have heard his voice. But growing deeper is about more than hearing God. I don't understand all that the Orthodox Church teaches, but I do know it is the place that will enable me to grow deeper - to a place I've longed for for a long time. The water in the Orthodox Church is not on the surface - it is an underground spring that runs deep. I have been watered on the surface which has given me the longing for more. I don't want the first milk, I want the rich milk.

Worship at the Protestant Church, while it makes me feel good, it misses the point. Worship is deeper than that.

Dashed Dreams

I have mentioned here a number of times about how I’d like to become a lawyer eventually. Well, a couple weeks ago we talked with our financial advisor who basically said if I pursued school at this point with our finances the way they are and our kids the age they are, we’d be committing financial suicide. I need to count on being willing to put our family $100,000 in debt. Wow! What an incredibly high amount, you say. I thought the same thing. Then she explained it’s not just the cost of going to school, but we need to take into account that we will still have living expenses without an income. I feel as though my hopes have been dashed like a ship hitting jagged rocks in the shallows. It truly will be a miracle if I manage to become a lawyer.

The Point

This may be old news to some, but a couple weeks ago while Bruce was in earshot I was telling someone that I actually believe the Orthodox have it right, and Bruce made a show of falling off his chair. I don't know if he was actually surprised or not (I tend to be fairly antagonistic sometimes :-D). The only thing is, while my head acknowledges that being Orthodox is right, there is still a part of me that feels as though I don't fit - and I wonder if I ever will truly fit. Then I wonder if maybe the point isn't to fit, and I'm missing the point.

Personality

I did a short personality quiz that was supposed to give me what type I was and how rare my type was. Well, I did it and even got the html code so you would be able to see it all, and then Blogger decides something is wrong with the code. Well, I couldn't figure out what was wrong, and I must have spent too much time trying to figure out what was wrong because when I hit the "back" button, I lost everything. So all I can remember is that I came out as ESFP instead of ESFJ. Granted, the test was only 12 questions long! It made me wonder, though, if all the rest was right if maybe I'm a borderline P/J. I've only ever done the online version of the testing and haven't had a real person do it with me. *shrug* Oh well. It's not like it's going to change the direction of my life or anything.

*addition - I did a little reading on ESFJ and ESFP. While I may be a "little" like ESFP, I am a "lot" like ESFJ. I did another test which placed me as an ESTJ, and so I read it, too. I'm a little like that also, so then I wonder if I'm not only borderline J/P but also F/T. And I like that among the famous figures who are also ESTJ is Peter the Apostle. I've often felt like I could relate to him.

Leaving Living Hope

I realized the other day that I have been talking more about where I’m at now, and didn’t really explain the leaving of Living Hope for St. Vincent.

It seemed as though we were going to be attending both churches for quite a while. I was going stir crazy not volunteering in anything since I had taken a break from volunteering for a while. I hadn’t wanted to start something when we seemed in transition, but I was beginning to feel as though I needed to do something again. So, I volunteered with the youth group at Living Hope, assuming that we weren’t going to be leaving Living Hope for a while.

Something I noticed was that as much as I appeared to be fighting the whole Orthodox thing, when it came to explaining the Orthodox church to our friends, I defended orthodoxy. I seemed to be a walking contradiction. On the one hand, when I was with orthodox people I argued against orthodox beliefs, and when I was with non-orthodox people, I defended those same beliefs. I think I needed to hear out loud both sides to figure out which one I truly agreed with. And, in some ways, I see both sides. I understand the arguments and the defences.

The deciding moment came when we had a Sunday full of baptisms and communion. First in the morning we had a baptism and the Eucharist at St. Vincent of Lerins, then in the evening we had a baptism and communion at Living Hope.

I’m just going to interject here, I found it interesting that most Sundays whatever was being talked about at St. Vincent seemed to go along with what was at Living Hope. I felt like we were getting the same ideas from two perspectives all the time. And I was wishing that people from both churches could hear what was going on at the other one.

About the baptisms and communion: At Living Hope the pastor gave a talk explaining very clearly the beliefs behind baptism and communion – how it is merely a ‘symbol’ of our faith. When we got home, Bruce told me that while he was okay with attending Living Hope still, he felt as though he couldn’t take communion there anymore. He believes that communion is much more than ‘just’ a symbol, and would be able to say that in his head at Living Hope when we took communion before. But once it was clearly spelled out about just being a symbol, he could no longer fool himself into believing that maybe the church viewed communion as something more. I understood where he was coming from. I’ve always thought baptism is more than we state – especially more than "putting on a team jersey." I have friends who have known for a while that that particular phrase drives me crazy ;-) And I’ve wondered about communion being more than we make it – but haven’t had any other teaching on it before participating at St. Vincent of Lerins.

So, I said once my commitments at Living Hope were done, we could say good bye and attend one church – St. Vincent’s. After talking with leadership, it was agreed that I could be released before the end of the school year, and it was actually quite soon after that we said our goodbyes. One thing we wanted to make sure of was that no one at Living Hope thought we were mad or disagreed with anyone there. We tried to make sure we didn’t "sneak out the back door." And I think I’ve mentioned it before, but I think everyone at Living Hope has been completely understanding and supportive. Especially when I’ve heard some stories of people who are currently trying to leave their Protestant church for the Orthodox church and are facing great opposition.

If anyone from Living Hope is reading this, thank you so much for your love and support. We love you very much.

It's All About Me

Bruce showed me this a while ago from someone else's blog. At first I looked at it with one of those "Okay. You think this is funny?" looks. But, you know, I have been thinking about it all week. And then I realized - that's me. I mean, look at my blog. This whole journey to Orthodoxy thing has been all about me. What do I think? How does it affect me? What about my experiences? My whole Christian life has been about my relationship with God. I'm so selfish in this whole thing.

And this goes along with another theme I've been noticing in my life. I am full of pride.

Tonight we went on a field trip to listen to a Bishop speak (I'm so horrible with names. I don't know who he is). He was speaking on parish life. Let's see if I can briefly sum up what I heard:

When we look at the scriptures, we can't just pull out verses randomly here and there to support what we believe. We need to start at the beginning. So we begin at the beginning - the separation of darkness and light. Christ separated the darkness and the light also. The Bishop talked about how Satan deceived mankind when we forgot what we were. Satan said that if Eve ate from the Tree of Knowledge, she would be like God - forgetting that we are already made in the image of God. He also said something about the Tree of Life - but if that question is going to be on the test, I won't know the answer. ;-) He then talked about how Jesus is the fruit on Tree of Life.

Mostly the point kept coming back to this:

Egoism, self centerdism and self love is what the Fall is about.

Sin is not breaking the law - sin is missing the mark.

Marriage breaks the pattern of self love and egoism. We are in a spousal relationship with God, not a covenental relationship.

And we are to love selflessly. The Gospel has to be lived in community - it cannot be about self. The purpose of a parish is to love one another so that Christ radiates out and then people come.

I've thought that it is a shame that we don't seem to know how to truly love one another. If we really did, wouldn't people around us notice the difference? Wouldn't they want to come?

When I was younger my dad took me to Sunday School. It was an expected thing. In grade 8 I told him that he wasn't going to make me go any more. The people at church weren't any nicer to me than the people at school, so I didn't see why I had to be with them. (I wasn't a popular kid) Has much changed? Are we much nicer to people? I mean, really. Not the fake smile, hi, how are you? Do we really care? Do we care enough to put someone else's needs ahead of our own? I don't want to answer that question. I don't think I'll like the answer.

And if you are one of those people who do love like that, I'm not saying that there is nobody like that. And I'm not even saying that there aren't a lot of nice people in the church. But being nice and being selflessly loving aren't necessarily the same thing. I'm a fairly selfish person. Remember what I already said above? - It's all about me. And I'm proud.

So how do I change my heart? Time, hard work, and dedication.

Can't I hit the drive thru? Please?

Attending an Orthodox Church

I think one of my lasts posts regarding our transition to the Orthodox church asked if it's possible for me to just be a Christian who happens to be attending an Orthodox church. There are many I've talked with who don't "feel" orthodox, although they "are" orthodox.

I heard a priest (sorry I don't remember who it was) on The Ark today talking about communion in the Orthodox church. It is not meant to be exclusive (although from a Protestant perspective, that's exactly what it appears to be). It is meant to be inclusive of all who are "orthodox" - knowing that everyone who takes communion is of the same belief. And the hope is that someday the divisions will be no more, and we will know that when we are in communion with one another.

So what does that have to do with me being a Christian attending the Orthodox church? Well, a point that was made, quite clearly, was that to take communion in the Orthodox church, you have to be orthodox. You don't take communion anywhere else because then you are linking your identity with whatever that belief is (be it Catholic, Mennonite, Anglican, Lutheran, or whatever). In a way I can see that. Communion at St. Vincent means much more than it does at Living Hope, for example. At Living Hope communion was very clearly explained as merely a symbol - a representation and nothing more. At St. Vincent every Sunday is stated "that this itself is your most pure body, and this itself your precious blood" (with 'your' meaning Jesus' body and blood). And the Eucharist is taken believing that it is for the healing of soul and body and for the remission of sins. To be honest, in all the years I've been Protestant, I'm not entirely sure what communion is for - other than a symbol of my belief - to remember what Christ did for us. I am a Christian; therefore, I take communion.

So, to answer my own question from a couple of days ago - Can I be a Christian who happens to attend an Orthodox church? Yes. But is that all I want, or do I want more? Do I want to be orthodox? Yes - and No. Yes, I want more of God. I want to know that what I do has meaning behind it. I want to know God in a deeper way than I've ever known before. No, I don't want to be seen as judgmental. I don't want to be labelled by the church I go to. I want to be in communion with those who are close to me whom I know have an intimate relationship with God - no matter what church they go to.

I think God weeps.

Korra Stonecutter

I'm not sure if I've ever mentioned it here, but Bruce and I met playing AD&D. He is quite shy, so he was able to keep up communication with me outside of the game by pretending to be his character talking to my character (I was a gold dragon and he was my dwarf vassal - I enjoyed it :-D)
Well, I was telling someone how Bruce has given up gaming for Lent, and that the last campaign we were playing in I had a dwarf fighter and human bard. Bruce has painted some minitures to represent the characters.
We also have been playing a game called Heroscape since we received it as a Christmas present this year. So Bruce put my dwarf into a Heroscape character card. She would look like this:

except, she's missing the braided beard. The miniatures don't come with females having beards, and Bruce doesn't know how to add things like that. He paints them as they come and our imaginations have to fill in the rest.

I am going to a funeral today. It's the funeral of a young man who has a beautiful wife and two children. Last Fall he wasn't feeling well, and a couple months ago he was diagnosed with cancer. It happened very fast. Much faster than they expected.

I didn't know him well. I know his wife better. But it's been hard. I was looking back at Dwayne's Blog and started crying again. Now here are two more kids who have lost their dad. The difference is, I don't think this family has strong faith. I don't know what they are going to hold onto during the hard times.

I also realized that while Dwayne was sick, I didn't say much to them. I don't think I posted a comment* until months after he was gone. I didn't know what to say then. I don't know what to say to these people now. Death sucks for the people left behind.

*Janet - I don't know how often you go back to Dwayne's Blog, but there is a lot of comment spam showing up on his blog - even from recently. Bruce suggests that you enter some sort of comment verification so you know it's a real person posting a comment, and not just computer generated ads.

Emerging Church

I had a friend e-mail me saying they found my blog when searching the emerging church. Then, when I was looking at past blogs I noticed someone who is prominently involved in the emerging church here in Saskatchewan had posted a comment (a very long time ago ^-^).

How in the world do I fit in with the emerging church? Bruce has been involved somewhat. And sometimes when we're talking he'll joke that I sound like a post-modernist. Of course, I don't think I understand the meanings of either of those terms, really.

I have no idea why I was thinking about this today.

The Ark

An Orthodox internet radio station called The Ark started up a few weeks back (maybe a month or so now), and I've been listening to it at work. I think it has been described as "Contemporary Orthodox programming". I've quite enjoyed it. It plays some Orthodox liturgy, but it also plays a lot of other Christian music - like Petra, Rich Mullins, Peter Jon Gillquist, Monica Matthews, and many others. I was joking with Bruce about the fact that I'm willing submitting myself to brainwashing. *lol*

P.S. For anyone reading this from Living Hope - some of the songs played are ones we've sung during worship.

Name of My Blog

So my blog has changed names a few times. It started as "The Wild World of Dell". Then realized I don't have a wild life and am pretty boring so it became "The World of Dell". Well, I didn't much care for that either, so I switched to "Dell's World". Bruce bugged me about how similar it is to his (Bruce's World), and so now I have a nameless blog. I'm terrible with titles.

So.... Any ideas?

Really...... any?