Living Hope is doing 24-7 prayer this week. While we have stopped attending Living Hope on Sundays, we still belong to the Care Group from there. This week the meeting was in the Prayer Room. We don't have childcare (the group meets at our house), so just I went and Bruce stayed home. There weren't many of us. It was also the beginning of the week, so there wasn't much written on the walls yet, either. But it did end up being a time of sharing and caring. When we were done, I signed up to do an hour on my own.

While I was there on my own, I realized it's much easier to pray with a prayer book for an hour than it is to just come up with something on my own. Unfortunately, I forgot to bring my prayer book. So I said some of the prayers I remembered by heart. I wrote a couple prayers on the walls, prayed my prayer rope ('Lord Jesus Christ have mercy on me a sinner' for each knot on the bracelet around my wrist), and then prayed some of the Psalms.

In previous years I've really enjoyed my time in the Prayer Room. It seemed as though there was so much to pray for. This year I realized that I felt a little out of place. Maybe part of it is because I'm out of touch with the ministries. Or like Living Hope is a place to visit now, but it's not home any more. I also didn't feel the same longing to have a place like that to pray. We have a prayer corner (or at least area) in our house where we go to pray every day. It has our icons, our prayer books and candles. We don't write on the wall, but it's still a special spot. Before I went into the Prayer Room, I hadn't really thought of the area in our house as special. We just have it because that's the "orthodox" thing to do. But I realized that my longing to be in the Prayer Room isn't something I have so strongly anymore. I don't need a week of intense focus on prayer, because more of our whole year is focused on prayer. I see it every day in my house. (Not that I DO it every day. I just see that I SHOULD :D)

So what would Protestants think about having a spot dedicated in their house to prayer? Some people do. I've heard of someone having a certain spot she would go to do devotions and pray every morning. I also know when I was packing a house years ago, I saw a closet had been dedicated to prayer (although it was not a Christian house. I'm not sure what religion it was. Maybe Hindu?) and I thought as Christians we should do that - have a place in our houses set aside to focus on God. A physical reminder to pray. I know we should pray all the time - but I'm easily distracted. Having something constant would help. So why don't we do it more? I'm guessing because of the whole fear of idols thing. Or maybe it's something else. I don't know.

So now I'm realizing that I'm feeling more like I'm in between two worlds and not really a part of either one any more. I'm beginning to think too much like an Orthodox person to be Protestant, and I'm still too Protestant to be Orthodox. Whatever happened to my idea when I was younger that I was a Christian - who happened to attend a Baptist church? Then I was a Christian - who happened to attend a Mennonite church. Can I still be a Christian - who happens to attend an Orthodox church?

How Nerdy Are You?

I found this on someone's site



I didn't think I'd be that nerdy :-D

Okay, well maybe I did *hee hee*

Shall We Continue?

It appears I got sidetracked for a couple of days.

I think we ended where we decided to attend both churches and I was questioning the Orthodox view of Mary.

Going to both churches was okay. When I listened to the way I talked, I could hear that as far as I was concerned Living Hope was our home church and St. Vincent of Lerins was the 'other' church. I most often referred to them as Living Hope or The Orthodox Church. It was interesting I never referred to Living Hope as The Mennonite Church.

I was also fairly defensive whenever we were at St. Vincent's. It seemed for a while that every Sunday I would hear about how great it is to be out of the Protestant churches and how bad it is in the Protestant churches. How deluded Protestants are, how right Orthodoxy is, and weren't we so glad to be Orthodox? I had assumed everyone at St. Vincent's knew we attended Living Hope in the evenings, just as I assumed everyone at Living Hope knew we attended St. Vincent's in the mornings. At one point I remember telling someone that I wasn't unhappy being Protestant, and I would appreciate the bad-mouthing to stop. After that, I don't think I heard any more anti-Protestant comments.

Now, I realize that a lot of Orthodox who had been Protestant didn't leave the Protestant world with warm cozy feelings. And for the most part, people who become Orthodox have had to put up with a lot of crap from Protestants who don't understand. We have been very fortunate. I'm beginning to see that Living Hope is full of understanding people. No one there has made us feel as though we are doing something horribly wrong. They've wanted to make sure this is something I want as well as Bruce wanting it. I've said I know God is in both places, and I can worship Him in both places.

I don't know that I'm able to go very chronologically from this point on. As far as events go, attending both churches was what we did for a year and a half. I had known at some point that we were going to eventually end up at St. Vincent's. I didn't know how long it was going to take, but I knew that's where we would be. I remember having a conversation with a friend from Living Hope about it. I had said that I knew we were going to end up at St. Vincent's, and I had some misgivings about it (I think this conversation happened last summer-ish). My friend said that I was in a unique position because I had a choice whether I would allow God to move me in that direction, or if I would refuse. This is another thing I'm not sure how it fits into the Orthodox world. There have been times in my life when I know something beforehand. I don't know how I know, I just do. And I've wondered if it's because I really don't like surprises. It's like I get a five-minute warning before something comes. I don't get a warning for everything. But like switching to the Orthodox church is one time. When I was going to place my first child for adoption was another time. But then there are things that I've felt as though I've had the warning but it hasn't happened yet.

There are a lot of things I don't understand. Not in a Protestant context nor in an Orthodox one. I realized tonight I'm tired of trying to understand. I just want to worship God, and however that comes out is fine with me.

Musing From Yesterday

I woke up this morning thinking about the post I made yesterday regarding joy and penance - being a sinner or a saint. At first I was thinking about how dwelling on how sinful I am is a little bit like being a pig in mud. I'm the pig. My sin is mud. And I should just wallow in it. Or at the very least, stare at it. Sing over it. Realize that I'm surrounded by mud - will always be surrounded by mud and will never not be muddy.

I think it's interesting that ever since I was a kid, I hated being dirty. My mom took me to the beach when I was about 3 and tried to get me to help her build a sand castle. She was covered head to toe in sand, and laughed about the fact that if I got a grain of sand on my hands, I'd find the nearest puddle to wash it off. I still don't like being dirty. I'm amazed I can make bread.

Then as the day progressed, at some point a vague thought began to form about how sometimes when we are young we think we know so much. That as a teenager I was sure my parents were idiots and I knew WAY more than they ever did. Then as I got older I realized that maybe they did know a thing or two and there is a lot in the world that I don't know. When as an older person you look at someone young and their beliefs and knowingly smile. It's like in StarGate when SG1 met the Nox who said, "You do not understand" when SG1 was trying to "save" the Nox from the Goa'uld Apophis. And then later in the show one of the Nox said to O'Neil, "Sometimes the very young do not listen". Maybe I'm still very young and when I get older I will understand how we can be full of joy and penitent at the same time.

I didn't make it to the service at church tonight. We decided the kids could use a break from church, even though my commitment to babysit wasn't needed tonight. I'm thinking it was probably for the best. It was the Akathist to the Theotokos, and I've already mentioned briefly some of my feelings on the whole Mary-thing. It still feels a little bit like worship to me.

(**sigh** I'm never going to make a good Orthodox Christian.)

Penance or Joy?

So this is the first week of Lent in the Orthodox Church which means the whole week is full of services. It is also a time of penance - of remembering our sinfulness - and repeatedly asking for the mercy of God on us. In the spirit of Lent, we are to carry out the somber tone of the services into the rest of our lives with us. Here is where I must not understand what joy is. When I think of somber, I think sad faces. Or certainly, not happy faces.

One of my fears of becoming Orthodox has been that I will be required to let go of the joy that I believe I have. I have been told that if it is true joy, it will last. And if it does not last, it was not true joy to begin with. Okay, I get that. But what I don't get is how do I be penitent with a smile on my face? Or even with one in my heart? Maybe I'm just too Protestant and believe that I truly am a saint instead of living knowing I'm a sinner.

On a side note (kind of), during the service tonight we do prostrations (kneel down and touch our head to the floor). My kids seem to get a kick out of this part of the service. I don't think they really get it, but....*shrug*..... It doesn't seem to matter where they are, when they hear "Have mercy on me, Oh God. Have mercy on me" they would run from whatever they were doing to throw themselves down onto the floor by us. One time they just about collided and did it right where I was supposed to kneel down. Now, this was not the appropriate way to do prostrations, but what was even more inappropriate was that I just about bust a gut laughing. It was hilarious. Now, to start guffawing in the middle of the Cannon of St. Andrew would have been inappropriate, so I managed to keep it stifled. So was it wrong to see humour in the middle of a service where we state over and over again how we tend to fall into sinfulness no matter how hard we try? Granted, at that moment I wasn't hearing the chanter - I was too busy telling my kids that they better not do that again. But it was still funny.

I'm still wondering how appropriate it was, too, that during the forgiveness service I had a grin on my face. I was expecting a flood of tears, and instead had a silly grin. Go figure.

I'm afraid I didn't really continue the story of the journey towards Orthodoxy tonight. But I'm going to head to bed 'cuz I'm still sick and need to get some rest.

I am sick tonight, so I'm sitting here with my NeoCitran while I'm typing. Once I'm done the medication, it's off to bed for me.

Tonight was the Compline with the Cannon of St. Andrew of Crete at church. A friend of mine came for the first time. She reminded me of some of my first times in the Orthodox church. It's next to impossible to follow along in the sheets that you are given and there is so much going on it's information overload. My legs and back are very sore now from the prostrations, too.

......But...... back to my story. Where was I?

Bruce and I decided that we would go to both churches - Mennonite and Orthodox. That way we would both have our spiritual needs met. Every other Sunday we also had Care Group in the afternoon, so we would leave the house at about 10:15 a.m. and get home about 7 p.m. I'm glad there is always a lunch after St. Vincent's, and there was always potluck snacks at Care Group. People constantly asked us how we did it, but we just did. It was assumed that we didn't book anything else on Sundays. Not that it was really a day of rest - it was a day of Church.

In the beginning I think I grilled Bruce on EVERYTHING in the Orthodox church. I picked on the theology more than I ever did in Bible College, or any other time for that matter. I was especially hung up on the Mary-thing. I said that the liturgy is full of the worship of Mary. She is equated higher than human beings and pretty much on par with God. And why in the world are the Orthodox so hung up on her being ever-virgin? What about the brothers and sisters that had come to him? If Mary was so special, why did he shun his own mother when she came to call on him? This was an issue I really struggled with. To the point that one day after the liturgy I sat in the sanctuary and cried to God asking for an answer. This is what I heard:

* Does it matter?
- What?
* Why are you struggling so hard? Does it matter? Does it matter if Mary is ever-virgin or not? Will you believe in me either way?
- Pause. Oh.

The conversation didn't really answer my question, and yet it did.

Now here is one of my ongoing dilemmas in the Orthodox church. It's not uncommon for me to have conversations like this - dialogues that go back and forth with a voice in my head that is not my own. Am I crazy? Am I deluded? It's not like it happens all the time. Not even every day or even every month. But it started when I was in Bible College. When I asked Father Bernard about it, the answer I heard was that it is most unlikely that I hear the voice of God. Only the really spiritual who have walked for many years in the disciplines would hear the voice of God. So..... what does that make me? I don't consider myself overly spiritual. I don't read my Bible daily. I don't even set aside special time to pray. I pray on the run, mostly. And, embarrassingly, most often in the bathroom.

I don't know. But I do know that my NeoCitran is now done, so I'm heading to bed to get the rest I need to function tomorrow.

Let's Start at the Beginning

I've mentioned to a couple of people that I would like to write some of my thoughts down here about my experience so far with Orthodoxy, particularly before I forget how I've thought and felt through the process. I don't intend to write it all at once. Therefore, if the thought seems to end, please bear with me. I will keep writing at a later time/date.

The first time I even heard about the Orthodox Church was when I met my to-be husband. He was attending an Orthodox church (St. Vincent of Lerins), and I was attending a Mennonite church (West Portal). Part of the process in marrying was deciding where we were going to end up attending. (I'll make this part of the story short) Bruce left the Orthodox church, and I tried to make sure that he was not leaving because of me but that it was truly what he wanted to do.

As time passed, there were periods where Bruce would go back to St. Vincent's to visit. There were many people there who had been good friends of his, and I would encourage him to keep in touch despite not attending regularly. He had precious few friends, and I didn't want to see him lose any because he married me.

Near the end of 2004 or the beginning of 2005, Bruce expressed the desire to visit St. Vincent's more regularly. Since we were attending a church which met regularly Sunday evening, I told him that it would be good for him to go in the morning to the Orthodox church. The liturgy was something he always lamented not having in Protestant churches.

While I knew this was something that Bruce needed, I did not realize that in the summer of 2005 he would announce that he wanted to be at St. Vincent's all the time, and he wanted all of us (me and our kids) to go with him.

**Pause a moment for some filling in of life events surrounding this time. Our church, Living Hope, had been going through some struggles with leadership issues at the beginning of 2005. I had been leading the drama team and felt strongly the need to step down from that position - so I did. We had been in a major car accident, totalling our van in April. Our pastor, Dwayne Harms, who was also one of Bruce's best friends, became very sick and was diagnosed with cancer about half way through the year. At the beginning of August I flew out to Abbotsford because both my Grandma and Grandpa passed away (within half an hour of each other) and I was attending a double funeral.

Needless to say, I was not looking for more change at this point. I also want to point out that Living Hope had not been my church of choice in the first place. We had been attending a much larger church, West Portal, which was doing a church plant, and Bruce wanted to go with the plant. I did not want to be in a small church. Then when the church found the building it was going to locate in, I did not want to be in that building, either. It had been the building of a church that I had been hurt in just previously to walking away from church altogether for a number of years. But God is gracious and brought healing. I made peace with what had happened in the past and was able to see past the small church and make it my home. In fact, it became more my home than Bruce's.

So when it was sprung on me that he wanted to make a switch, I tried to take it well, but I just didn't. I really didn't. I freaked. I exploded. I cried. I vented. And I wanted to make sure he wasn't just running away from Dwayne's death.

I need to make it very clear at this point - Bruce thought he was breaking the news to me gently. He did not realize that it sounded like a demand and had never intended it to be a demand. He has since apologized and has given me all the time I need to adjust.

Fall of 2005 we began attending two churches - St. Vincent of Lerins in the morning and Living Hope in the evening. It was a compromise we could both live with.

Trust and Forgiveness

The other night Bruce told me something that hit me like a brick. It was something that hurt so much that even though I will normally confront, I withdrew. It was more than I could take at that moment. The next day I felt sick to my stomach, I couldn't think properly. A million thoughts were running through my head and I felt an inch away from crying all the time.

It's funny because I also felt as though I was overreacting. I knew he didn't have to tell me what he did. He told me so that there wouldn't be anything hidden between us. I knew he was sorry. But at that moment, I couldn't get past the hurt to forgive. I spent the whole next day in turmoil. Thoughts of wrongs I had done were also in my head. Thoughts of justifying my actions. Thoughts of blaming him. Part of me wanted to play the victim, but in reality, I knew I couldn't do that.

We sat down and talked last night. I didn't know what I was going to say. Being hurt, part of me wanted to hurl hurtful things back. But part of me wanted to tell him the hurtful things I've done, too, but to tell him without hurting him. And none of my thoughts were organized. They just tumbled out as I thought of them. He was gracious enough to not try to defend his actions, but he did try to explain them. Not as an excuse, but to answer my questions.

I was also in turmoil in that I just wanted him to hold me so that everything would be back the way it was before. Another part of me didn't want him to touch me at all. I am amazed - he took everything I said, heard me, and allowed me to be where I was.

I did ask him to hold me. And in his arms I shared more of me. We talked. Really talked. About things that have been in our marriage for years but neither of us said anything about it before. Like the elephant that is in the room but nobody acknowledges its existence.

Yesterday I wanted more than anything to know that when I said, "I forgive you" that I meant it. Today I know that I do. And while I thought it would be hard to trust again, at this moment, I do.

Long Time No See

Just popping in to quickly post an update on what's happening.

Hmmm..... where to start?

Well, the biggest change in our lives is that we've moved from Living Hope Church to St. Vincent of Lerins Orthodox Church. It's been a year and half in the making, so it feels as though it's about time. But we're not in communion at St. Vincent's yet. We still have to finish the catechism classes. Then I will be chrismated and we're still waiting to hear from the Bishop what Bruce needs to do to return to communion again. Brendan says he's ready to be baptised, but Shaeleigh isn't. We'd like them to be baptized at the same time so that when family comes it will just be once, but I don't think I want to make Brendan wait until Shaeleigh is ready. So we'll cross that bridge once we get to it.

I've still been spending most of my free computer time at Neopets*. I've joined a guild called Mystic Castle, which has helped me achieve so many more goals in Neopets than I ever did before I belonged to a guild. The only thing is, I think Bruce wonders when he'll ever see his wife in the evenings since as soon as the kids are in bed, I'm on the comupter *lol*

And I'm having to decide where I am going to spend my time. I've seriously begun thinking about law school again, and need to go talk to someone at the College of Law to see if I even qualify for applying. I've thought about it, and it's possible that I could be a lawyer by the time I'm 40. Again, we'll see.

Like I said, this is just a quick update on the biggest highlights. I won't make any promises about when I'll be back here again.

Thanks for stopping by. I am hoping at some point to post some of my thoughts about my journey (well, more my being pulled :-D) into the Orthodox Church. And hopefully sooner rather than later.

*WARNING - playing Neopets, even though it appears to be designed for children, can be highly addictive to adults.