It is not uncommon for people to say to me, “I don’t know how you do it all!” And my reply is usually, “The same way everyone else does. Everyone’s plate is full, I just have different stuff on my plate.” And it is a very full plate.
Trying to balance home life, work life, school life and church life has become a little trickier since adding dialysis to the mix. I always felt like I had a lot of balls in the air – juggling them to keep them up. I work part-time and go to school part-time, but try to keep enough hours at work to maintain my health benefits and take 18 credit hours of school to keep my student loans. I would try to be home for supper with my family and read every night to my kids so that I have at least that much “family” time. And liturgy Sunday morning was a must.
Last semester I realized that I was missing too many Sundays – the result being that I was getting grouchier and didn’t really like what I was seeing in myself. So for my second semester I took some steps to ensure that I would be able to keep all those balls in the air and still maintain my sanity. I arranged that I would really only work three days a week and not go to work on the other two days, even if I didn’t end up having class in the afternoon. That way I would have time to get my school work done before Sunday and not skip church to finish it.
It was a good thing I had decided to do that, as dialysis began in January, filling that empty spot I had created for myself. However, it takes up more space than that, and I had to let go of another ball – CLASSIC. CLASSIC is Community Legal Assistant Services for Saskatoon Inner City. I was volunteering with LAC (Legal Advice Clinic). It wasn’t a huge time commitment – about one Tuesday or Thursday evening a month. But when I had to pick my dialysis days, I couldn’t pick Monday, Wednesday, Friday evenings because I have a Monday night class this semester. So there went my legal volunteering. It was hard to give up. I know there are other students who can take those shifts I was going to do, but it was a ball I was juggling that I really liked.
Oh, don’t get me wrong. I like all the balls I have that I juggle. In fact, there are more balls that I have put to the side that I hope to pick up and add to the juggling act again someday. But there are some balls that I am juggling that I like less than others. In fact, this dialysis ball is becoming a pain. Today’s treatment will complete six weeks’ of treatments so far. It has already been six weeks. Or maybe it is only six weeks. And I am tired of this ball already. I can’t imagine how some people have been doing this for years.
On a positive side, I have a lot more energy. I am not feeling like I need a nap every day anymore. I think I am thinking more clearly – despite the mistakes I still make! But there is a down side that I still need to learn how to cope with. Dialysis sucks up my time. It takes six hours out of my day three days a week – 18 hours a week consumed with dialysis. And of that 18 hours I recover about four with family time (my husband brings my kids while I am hooked up so I can read a chapter to them every night still), and maybe five or six (if I am really focused) on school work. So that means I now have another 10 hours a week consumed with something that is virtually useless. Okay, not useless in the sense that it is keeping me alive. But useless as in I cannot see the productivity in it.
Dialysis has also changed things like what I decide to wear in the morning. On dialysis days I have to wear something short-sleeved. So I think of what I need to wear (am I working or going to school?) and then how I am going to stay warm while doing dialysis (what sweater will work to do the dialysis and stay on me enough to keep me relatively covered?). Have I mentioned already that by the end of a treatment I am usually freezing cold? There are a number of reasons for that. First, they cool my blood before they give it back to me. Just by a degree (Celsius), but it is enough to cool a person off. And they keep the room cooler. I have noticed that most of the nurses also have sweaters that they keep handy so that if they are sitting, they can stay warm (not that the sit very often). A doctor also mentioned that she noticed that her patients with kidney disease tend to be colder in general, anyway.
On a side note – my husband and I have thermostat wars. He likes it cooler and I like it warmer. I joke that it will be funny the day the roles are reversed in our house when we are both old-folks. Then I’ll complain about being too hot and he’ll complain about being too cold!
Now I realize that complaining about changing the way I pick my clothes is really trivial. But it also means that on non-dialysis days I feel like I have to pick the clothes that are long-sleeved or that wouldn’t be a good choice on dialysis days, just so that I can wear them. I never realized how much I like the freedom to just pick what I want to wear because I want to wear it, not because I feel obligated to wear it. I guess I am a little bit of a spoiled brat!
Well, seeing as dialysis is a ball I am going to have to keep around for a while (until I get a kidney transplant, anyway), I am going to have to learn to like it. Or at least, not complain about it. I wonder if it will get easier to juggle as time goes on. I hope so.
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