Weight (...Wait?)

I have known for years (as you may have seen from past posts) that I need to lose weight. Unfortunately, I tend to head in the wrong direction -- up instead of down. It is such a struggle. But it is the next important step I need to take toward getting a kidney transplant.

This is my understanding of where my kidney transplant is at: I have had all my tests done. Bruce has been tested and is a possible match for a donor. Only they (the medical professionals) won’t continue testing Bruce until I meet certain “requirements.” The requirements left are losing weight. The reason is because in order to give me a kidney, they first have to take a kidney out. Before they will take a kidney out, I have to be at an acceptable weight. My ideal weight is about 60 pounds less than what I am. An acceptable weight for surgery could be about 20 to 40 pounds lighter than I am. I can barely get 2 pounds lighter, let alone 20!

The other thing is that I think they don’t want to take a kidney out until I am on dialysis. Because until then, my kidney, no matter how badly it is functioning, is still functioning. And taking the kidney out will most likely push me to need dialysis immediately anyway.

I’m not sure how close dialysis really is. I have seen the surgeon about access in my arm. Apparently I don’t have good veins in my lower arms, so I have been for an ultrasound on my upper arms. That was fun. Not. I was gooped up from my neck, down my armpits and to my elbows. Not really the greatest time. But I did have a really nice technician who chatted with me, so the whole process wasn’t totally bad. That was at the beginning of February, and I haven’t heard anything back. I’m not even sure if I will hear anything back, or if they just tuck that information away somewhere for when they decide they need to tell me. Or if they decide they need to tell me. Maybe I don’t need to know. I don’t know.

I think sometimes that maybe I stay so busy so I don’t really have to think about all this. There’s not really anything I can do but wait. I wait for appointments. I wait for results. I wait to be told the next thing to do. I wait for my kidneys to fail.

I get asked, “How are you doing?” How do I answer that? Fine? Not so fine? Alright most days except when I become overwhelmed with what is really happening to me and I know my life is going to radically change soon, but I don’t know how soon, and feel totally unprepared, but in the meantime I have to keep going as though everything is normal? Do I say that sometimes I wonder if I’ll see my kids grow up? That I want more than anything to be able to be a grandmother, but I am afraid I will not live to see that day? I know that we all live with the possibility that today could be our last. And I try to let my kids know every day that I love them with all of my being. And I love my husband more than words can say.

So maybe I need to keep those things in mind when I am so stressed I want to eat a chocolate bar. Or the big bag of chips. Or second (or third) helpings at supper.

Lord have mercy on me.

Healing

Now is the time of year, when the weather starts warming up, that many people get sick. Our family is no exception. It began Tuesday morning with our son throwing up. At noon we got a call from school saying to please pick up our daughter because she had thrown up. We had been hoping that the kids were sick because they had eaten some bad coconut the day before, but Tuesday night was my turn in the bathroom, and Wednesday night Bruce’s. I suppose this wasn’t really surprising as two ladies had gone home early from the service Sunday night because they had been sick. The nice thing so far is that it only seems to last a day or so.

I am a confirmed work-a-holic, though. Even though I had been sick Tuesday night, I went into work for four hours on Wednesday. There was work there to be done, and I needed to get in to do it. I slept for the rest of Wednesday, and did both school and work today. But I worked until 9:30 tonight, too.

I wonder sometimes what makes me to work like this. Because, the funny thing is, I have these voices that tell me that I am a lazy person. I remember hearing this when I was younger. It was more indirectly than directly then. It was usually a grandparent making a comment about “these young people nowadays!” And not very long ago I had someone actually accuse me of being lazy. Well, sort of. Not in so many words. But the things I was accused of basically said that. Lazy, manipulative, irresponsible, good-for-nothing. . . . No, wait a minute. The words, “the laziest person she knew” had actually been said.

You know what? Those words were said over a year ago. And they still hurt deeply. I have been trying to remove them. But it’s as though they have wormed their way into me and become a part of anger and bitterness. They are things I know I shouldn’t hold onto, and yet I can’t seem to let them go. And when the conversation plays in my head, it’s like a tape recording rewinding and replaying over and over again. What do I get out of it? A sense of justification? The right to be angry? Being able to play the role of a victim? Where does that get me? Nowhere. What does that get me? Nothing. So WHY? Why can’t I just let go? Why can’t I forgive? I don’t want this anymore. And yet, I can feel that I don’t CHOOSE to forgive.

Maybe it goes with being a broken people. I am a broken person. I am sick, and need healing. Of more than just body. I need healing of soul, too.

Lord have mercy on me.

Lent Begins

Lent in the Holy Orthodox Church is upon us. The first week or so hasn’t been so bad. That may be because we were busy with services every day, and twice on Sunday. But now that the first week is over, even though I’m tired, I am beginning to miss my time-waster: The Computer. I have spent many hours on Neopets, Facebook and Twitter whiling away my evenings staring at a screen, mesmerized and losing track of time. The computer is not just a time waster. It is a time stealer.

Which is funny considering this post is on the computer, eh? I realize that by taking away one bad habit, it is really just leaving room for another one to grow. Which is why this Lent I am hoping to replace my bad habits with good ones; like getting to bed at an earlier time and doing my rule of prayer.

One thing I noticed about going to services every day of the week. I began humming the songs of the Church in my spare time. I don’t remember all of the words, necessarily, but something is getting in there. It made me think of two things. First, that when our children were little and it was frustrating to take them to church, we were told that even though it may seem like nothing was happening (with them or with us) just being there would allow our faith to soak in. And second, is this what it’s like being in a cult? Sometimes it feels a little like being brainwashed. But willingly brainwashed. Being totally submersed in the culture to absorb it through every pore of my being.

I guess, really, that is what my faith is. Something that becomes the very essence of who I am. And hopefully that is Christ in me.

It's No Surprise, I'm Crazy

Someone asked me for a recipe at church yesterday, which reminded me that I hadn’t posted any favourite recipes for a long time, which then reminded me that I haven’t blogged in ages.

I’m not sure that it would be wise to try to post an update on everything that has been happening or has happened since the last post. But I can give a general idea, and hopefully I can make a few posts more regularly over the next while.

I have said more than once lately that I must be crazy.

I have wanted to go to Law School for a long time. For about 10 years or so, in fact. When I first thought I’d like to go, I decided to go to Business College first as the program was only 10 months and not 10 years (okay, that is a little bit of an exaggeration, but you get what I mean). I figured if I could get into a law firm to work, I’d be able to see if that is really what I wanted to do. As it turns out, I love it – working in a law firm, that is. Only in the meantime I ended up meeting my husband and having a couple of children. My plans have been put on hold.

Last Spring we (Bruce and I) talked about my going to university to actually pursue this dream of mine to become a lawyer and decided that I should go for it. I applied and signed up to take a Sociology course, intending to apply to the College of Law for the Fall of 2010.

In the meantime, I received news from my doctor that my kidney function is considerably less than what I had been thinking. I thought I was at about 30 percent kidney function, when in reality I am at about 15 percent. I am starting to notice the effects of this because I am often tired and feel as though I have “fuzzy brain” all the time. Eating also makes me feel kind of ill. So even though I get hungry and still enjoy eating, I also feel like I suffer for it later by being sluggish and feeling kind of gross.

So now I am working full time, taking a university class and have applied for Law School for the Fall while working with my doctors toward dialysis. And, it’s Lent.

Crazy.