Well, good news and bad news today. Which do you want first?

How about the bad news:
I found out my creatnin levels are really high - over 200. This is not a good thing. I've known that they have been high the last couple of years, but they were still under 200. Now, joy of joys, I have to do a 24 hour urine test. I really hate those. I guess I need to be more diligent in taking my bp medicine, too. If I don't I may bring myself closer to renal failure - and that would be really bad.

Now the good:
I phoned the place where I applied (you know, the job I've been obsessing about), and found out that I made the first cut. So now I'm a bundle of nerves again because I'm going to have to do another test. I'm not entirely sure what that means, but at least I still have a chance. And, I'm really excited. Okay, I'm really, really excited!

I started getting sick yesterday, and today was full blown "sick". And I've realized again what I've known for a while; I am a sucky sick person. All I do is whine and complain. I'm worse than a man. ;-)

But more than that, I felt really bad about having to call people to let them know that I wasn't going to be able to make it. I was supposed to be at a meeting, and I was supposed to work. I'm struggling over feeling okay that I cancelled the things I was supposed to do. It's like a part of me is saying, "You're not really that sick. You shouldn't bail out like that." And yet, I could barely function today.

Since I've been thinking about whether or not I have boundary issues, I'm wondering about this guilt I feel for not being well. You know, it's almost like I think that people aren't going to believe that I really am sick. Or that they are going to say that I should have showed up anyway. Well, why does that matter to me? I know that I remember feeling that when I was a kid, but I'm not a kid anymore. And I know there is no way I would blow off work saying that I'm sick when I'm really not. So, is the beating myself up over it the justification I need to prove that I really am sick?

*sigh*

I guess I don't have the answers, but I'll keep looking into the whole boundaries issues -- especially with the guilt that I carry. Then again, maybe it's just because I'm a perfectionist. :-)

I have been obsessing. I have applied for a job and cannot seem to stop thinking about it. It is causing me stress. I would just like to know whether or not I'm moving on to the next round of interviews. It's a job that I really want, so I am also afraid that even if I do end up getting an interview that I'm going to mess it up. It always seems that when I really want a job, I don't get it; and if I would be happy either way, that's when I get it. So how do I get to the point where I'm happy even if I don't get it? I don't know. I've tried to psych God out so many times, but He always seems to know.

Be content in all circumstances, right? I try, but it doesn't always work. Maybe it's like a decision. I just decide that I'm going to be content and then the feelings will follow. Hmm. . . . I'll have to think about that one.

Well, once again I haven't been here for a while, except this time everything has changed on me. So, I tried to just get rid of the advertisement box at the top of my blog, and instead I managed to lose all my previous comments that I had with HaloScan. And even when I tried to install my comments with them, I couldn't get my old comments back on my old posts. Darn.

I have absolutely no idea what I am doing. That's a surprise.