Nothing New Under the Sun

There have been many times when I've thought of writing a book. Not the same book. When I was a kid I thought of writing steamy romance novels, and then as I got older I thought about writing teen series books. I've dreamt of writing great words of wisdom so that others could learn to draw closer to God. So my range of what I would write has varied from fluff to deep thinking. But the other day I realized that while I've started writing, I never finish because when I have an idea I think, "Somebody's probably already written about that." And I'm worried that if I wrote something, somebody somewhere would think that what I wrote was plagiarism. And then I was reminded of the words of Solomon -- There is nothing new under the sun. After so many years of other authors writing, what could I possibly say that hasn't already been said?

Maybe I just get more cynical as I get older.

Feelings and the Wind

I should feel really grateful. But I don't. I am grateful, but I just don't feel it.

When we got our other van, I was really excited and kept talking about what a blessing it was and how much God has given us. Now we've come through a major accident, no one in our family was seriously hurt and we have a new van. I can intellectually see the blessings, but my heart isn't pouring out gratitude. I can verbally acknowledge that God is amazing and has given so much more than I even deserve.

I'm sitting here thinking, and it's funny how I'm in a job that requires extreme confidentiality, and yet I'm a really open person by nature. I'm not one to hold secrets.

I'm also looking out the window and am having a hard time believing the amount of snow that is falling and it is the end of April.

There are hurting people that I know, and I don't know how to help them. I guess, really, God does give me great joy and peace. And I've always thought of myself as being really low on compassion for others. Whenever I've taken spiritual gifts tests, Compassion usually comes out on the bottom. And yet, I see these hurting people and wish that I knew what to do or say. I also wish for these people (actually I wish for everyone) that they would have someone in their lives as special as some of the people I have. I have very dear friends that I know I can rely on and whom I love so dearly. And I know the feelings go both ways.

We are such relational people. And so often we base our relationships on how we feel. I wonder if that's why some people struggle so often with their relationship with God. When we base our relationship with God on our feelings, it can be as reliable as a piece of paper blowing in the wind. You don't know where it's going to take you and you're left stuck in one place if the wind stops. Or we get stuck against a fence and stop moving even if the wind is blowing.

So I guess if I take my own advice, then it doesn't matter how I "feel" about the blessings I see. Instead I will stand with my face to the wind, close my eyes and bask in the glory of the Lord.

This is a more recent picture of me. 

We Had an Accident

Life can change so quickly.

Last week Sunday our family was in a car accident. Actually, it was a van accident. Both vehicles were vans. Let me tell you how I saw it:

We were driving home, just a few blocks away in fact, and I was talking to my husband about my plans the next day. Our son didn't have school, so I was going to take the van to work and then go straight from work to a drama practice. Then I was going to meet with a friend of mine whom I haven't seen for a while. I had cancelled meeting with her, but was going to call her up to see if she still wanted to get together since I figured I would be able to make it after all.

While I was talking, I caught a glimpse of this van that didn't look like it was going to stop at the yield sign. I started screaming, Bruce put on the brakes, and as I watched I saw the other van slam into us. It was very loud and I could hardly believe how hard the other van hit us. I can (and did) scream for what seemed like a very long time. I think in reality, it happened very quickly.

Once the vans were stopped, my main concern was for our kids in the back. I saw in the other van that the air bag had gone off, and the driver looked dazed. But I got out of my side and opened my daughter's door. She was dazed and then she started screaming, too. I kept saying over and over, "It's all right. It's all right," but it was a really fast, kind of panicked tone, and I could tell that she wasn't going to think it was all right from the way I was talking.

Then there was someone telling me to come into their house and sit down. At that point I think I would have done anything that anyone told me to. I just wasn't able to make a decision and definitely wasn't thinking clearly. When someone asked if we wanted an ambulance, I remember saying yes because I wanted to make sure that the kids were okay.

When the ambulance came, the little bit of composure I had gained was beginning to crumble and the tears started coming very easily. I couldn't get up into the ambulance myself, so the attendants said that was okay and they got the stretcher out. Watching them try to get the stretcher at the level that I could sit on was comical. The kids and I were taken into the ambulance. As we were being lifted into the ambulance, the man who hit us was looking at me and kept saying over and over again that he was very sorry. I tried to let him know that I was going to be okay.

While the kids and I were getting checked, I could see that Bruce was a little worried, and asked one of the ambulance guys to check on him. We came out of the ambulance after that, and were standing around while the tow trucks were taking our vans away. I was really sad that they were towing our van away. I loved our van.

We called up some really good friends of ours to give us a ride home, and after they were on their way, the couple who let us use their house said they would have given us a ride home, since we were so close. I was really nervous getting into a car, especially since our kids' car seats wouldn't fit and the kids had to sit in regular seat belts. It was only four blocks, but it was a very long four blocks.

I have been a little edgy (okay, a lot edgy) since the accident, and I found out that I have whiplash. I'm waiting for life to get back to normal and kind of wish the accident was just a bad dream. We did end up getting a nice van - but that's another story, and I think this one is long enough.

Thanks to everyone who has been praying for us. I know that God has been in the middle of all this, and I'm trying to figure out why we were in the accident. It may be like Job, and we'll never know -- but I'd still like to know anyway.

Pilgrimage

I've joined a mailing list called Pilgrimage and just introduced myself. This is what I had to say:

I am a working mom (and love my job!) of two small children and am the wife of a wonderful husband (who takes care of the house very well). I have been aware of the spiritual disciplines for most of my Christian life; however, I don't practice them regularly. I don't think I've ever had a regular devotion time and the most Bible reading I ever did was when I was in Bible College. I try occassionally to fast and have tried to meditate once, I think. But most of my relationship with God has been talking to him all the time about anything and everything. I've even questioned how willing he has been to listen to me in the bathroom (that's where I get the most "free" time. :-D ). And I have a friend who laughs at me whenever we're talking about something and I say, "Ya. I've talked with God about that, and I still have an issue with him." And while I don't think that God prompts me to pick up a teabag or have the right change, I know that it's a two-way communication. Sometimes I actually feel kind of guilty and like maybe I'm not a "really spiritual" Christian because I don't devote "x" number of hours a week praying or reading my bible, or whatever. I kind of just exist and I can't imagine my life existing without God in it.

I would like to have a firmer foundation and grow with some more substance to my walk than what it's been. God has really be showing me how important it is to pray -- that needs to be my foundation. But there have been specific instances where he has shown me that it's very important for me to internalize (memorize)scripture, too. Unfortunately, I go in fits and spurts and am not really disciplined in keeping up with it.

Anyway, that's a little of me and where I'm at.