So I found out last night that my grandma died. Now I'm feeling awful because we were so close to being able to see her and now we won't be able to. I'm wondering how I'm ever going to get over this feeling of guilt. We should have gone to see her first.

Now I don't know what we are going to do. I'm not sure what to do. I know that my aunt said that she was not very coherent the last few days of her life, but that doesn't seem to help me to feel better. I wish we were here in BC under better circumstances.

Things don't seem to be going so well for me lately. I think I must be feeling down about myself. I'm feeling as though there's not much good or productive coming from me lately. And while I'm needing encouragement, what I'm hearing is critisism. Oh, it may be constructive critisism, but I'm having a hard time taking it anyway.

I've come back to the thoughts I used to have:

Why would God give me the personality and abilities of a leader when there is no one willing to follow? Why am I like this? Can I be something different? Just for a little while? I don't know how to be a good leader.

Maybe that's all true. Maybe it's all just my perspective. I don't know.

I guess it doesn't help that I'm dealing with the fact that my Grandma has terminal cancer. I'm worried that we won't make it out to see her in time. Or that we will be so close and still miss her.

Pray for me.