Comment to Andrew

I attempted to comment on a friend's blog when asked some tough questions. However, I received this error:

Your HTML cannot be accepted: Must be at most 4,096 characters

Therefore I am posting my comment here. This is for Andrew in reply to post 8. The original post must be read before the following will make sense.
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First I want to say I am answering your questions as a friend and give my opinion with the caveat that I not be held liable for any decisions you would choose to make after reading my opinion.

Who was more in the wrong? Person 1 or Person 2?
Based only on the facts you have given, both were wrong. Neither were MORE wrong. Wrong is wrong. If you are looking for someone to be justified, I know I am not going to give you that justification.

These people are married. Does that change the situation?
No.

Do you already have a "Gut reaction" as to if the guy struck the girl, or the girl struck the guy? Why was that your first reacation?
I had assumed the girl hit the guy, but that was also because from the tone of the facts I had assumed you were the one trying to force the discussion and are looking for justification in the altercation and confirmation that you are right in this. I may be wrong, but you asked what my “gut reaction” was.

A)If you right away thought that the man struck the woman, why was that your first instinct?
it was not my first thought.

B)Why does society think it's "more ok" for a woman to strike a man then a man to strike a woman, even if the situations are identical
It is not “more ok.” However, the damage a woman can do hitting a man is probably much less than the damage of a man hitting a woman. Same as the difference between a child hitting an adult or an adult hitting a child. Neither is right, and neither should be acceptable. But chances are the adult hitting the child would cause more damage than the child hitting the adult. It may also be expected in the child/adult scenario that the adult should act with maturity. If the situation involved two adults, they both should be mature.
Where are you getting your facts that says society thinks it is more okay for a woman to hit a man?

C)If Striking someone else out of anger and retaliation is ABUSE why is it justified for women and not at all for women?
Again, where are you getting your facts for this? Although I may argue that striking someone is battery, and depending on the circumstances which preceded the battery, there may also be assault, abuse falls into a different category and is not based on a one-time incident. I would argue that abuse can be perpetrated by men or women and it is about having power over a person through fear.

D)If women want equality (and for the most part I think it's a good thing if its in a healthy way) why would the women get a minor charge (if at all) while the man would have "the book" thrown at him?
I would hope that gender shouldn’t matter in the legal system. Ideally it shouldn’t. But I also know that sometimes the outcome of court depends on the facts presented to the judge and the way the judge interprets those facts.
Tell me something….. Why are more black men arresting in Toronto? Why are more aboriginals processed for crime in Saskatchewan? Why are there still some cases where comments are made that the woman was “asking for it,” because of the way she was dressed?

E)What if the WOMAN had the history of violent outbursts... would that still make this "more ok" then if the man had struck the woman (given no history of violent outbursts?)
Abuse is not always violent. And I will say again that hitting is never okay. Physical violence perpetrated by one person to another is never okay.

If I can throw in an extra two cents here…. You cannot change your spouse. You can only change you. You can determine how you will act and react. You are not a victim. In our house today came the words, “Don’t make me have to yell at you!” This is wrong in so many ways. Another person never makes you yell at them. Another person never makes you hit them. You choose to yell. You choose to hit. You may be angry, but they do not make you angry. Their choices may anger you. But what is your goal? What is it they are blocking that you cannot reach? And then ask yourself if you can reach your goal another way, or does the goal need to change?

You are not asking easy questions. What is your goal by asking them? Be honest.

I’m going to say it again. You cannot change anyone but yourself. Work on you, and your relationships around you will change. But remember, you have to be honest (brutally honest) with yourself. And don’t be afraid of what you find out about yourself. We all have garbage. But we are all covered by grace, also. An honest heart God will not deny.

Taking a Break - Settlers of Catan

I think I have said (or at least I believe) that to stay sane through law school I have to try to maintain balance in my whole life. So yesterday I spent the whole evening at home playing Settlers of Catan with my family. I was introduced to this game by one of my husband's cousins and I loved it right from the beginning. We bought it for ourselves and last night played one of the expansion pack games, The Fishermen of Catan. It is from the Traders & Barbarians set.

The goal of the game is to get to a certain number of points by building settlements, cities and gaining bonus cards like "Longest Road," "Largest Army," or "Harbourmaster." You roll the dice to see what resources you get and then use the resources to build things or trade with other players. It is quite simple and complex all at the same time. There is a board that you make up (which is a different configuration each time you play) that has hexes (tiles) for resources (wheat, ore, sheep, wood and brick). A number is put on each resource tile. When that number is rolled, the resources are handed out in accordance with who has settlements or cities built around that resource.

I finally figured out that I did not have a very good strategy. I would try to ensure that I had the possibility of a variety of resources regardless of the number on the resource. I realized this was not as good as making sure I was by numbers that get rolled more often. Even if I ended up with a lack of one resource, if I had other resource cards I could eventually gain the resources I was missing. But if I had bad numbers that never get rolled, I didn't have any resources to work with, and that was much harder.

While this means that I didn't get some of my reading done, or any CANS worked on, I did have an amazingly wonderful time sitting around enjoying some of the people I love the most. My daughter was out at a sleepover, so it was just my husband, my son and myself. But I really enjoyed seeing how much my son has grown up. He will be 12 in less than a month. And sometimes I see that he is still and kid, and sometimes I see him gaining in maturity. I often call my kids my blessings and treasures from heaven. And I am privileged to see the grown ups they are becoming.

Oh, don't get me wrong, all you parents who have or have gone through the teen years. I realize this brief reprise may not last long and soon I will be dealing with extreme moodiness and the belief that parents are stupid and teenagers are all-knowing. I am trying to be mentally prepared for it and hope we all come out the other end relatively unscathed.

But in the meantime I am going to tuck away an evening of laughing and playing with my family to a place where I can pull it out when I am completely stressed about exams or whatever law school has thrown at me. And I will remember that this, too, shall pass.

Fake It Until You Make It - Right?

I am surprised I even passed my law classes last year. We are at the point where I am panicking a little about being ready for December exams. In just over one month from now, two of my three classes will be done. Unlike last year, I don’t have time to catch up at Reading Break in February. Of course, when I looked at my exam notes (CANS) from my classes last year, I realized that I never did ‘catch up.’

In an attempt to be helpful to a couple of classmates, I offered to give them my exam notes from last year. When I looked at them I thought, “Oh my! I didn’t even finish getting those ready.” And this reminds me that I had intended to do things much differently this year. I planned to do all my reading and briefing. That way when it comes time to do my CANS I will be able to just compile the information I need and then will have time to study instead of cramming as I am trying to get some semblance of notes together.

While I realize that there is about a month left, so I am not completely last minute (yet), I don’t think I am much further ahead this year from last. For example, I started working through my Torts notes/text. I am on page 36. Only another 200 pages to go. (We won’t mention how long I have spent on those first 36 pages.)

*sigh*

I know what part of my problem is - I keep lacking focus. And I am at the time of year where I don’t feel 100% anymore. I feel tired all the time. I am not sure how much of that is just the stress of life and school, and how much is my decreased kidney function. I try not to worry about what is coming up. I also try to not fall into the trap of procrastinating on everything.

I work much better with clear goals in mind. I need to do what one of my profs said last year when talking about writing the memo -- Just start writing. It doesn’t matter what crap comes out, just start getting something down on the paper. That’s what I need to do with my exam preparation, too. Just get it down on the paper and don’t worry about what it looks like.

Sometimes I hate being a perfectionist.