Just like every time I stop journaling for a while and then try to sit down and write some of my thoughts, I am overwhelmed with all that has happened and am unsure of where to begin. So, I’m just going to jump in and not start at the beginning.

Bruce and I have been taking introduction to Orthodoxy classes the last couple of weeks. We have known we would be taking these since the beginning of the year. When we first thought we were going to take them, it was before my mom died. A lot has happened since then.

Since I have been back home, I don’t feel as though I’ve accomplished much. I’ve been working and doing all the regular routine things. There are many things that take up our time, and many things I let waste my time.

I’ve reached a point of complete tiredness again. Lately I’ve had low self-esteem and am worried about being lazy or people thinking horrible things about me but not telling me. I also feel like withdrawing and not doing anything. None is true, of course. But it doesn’t stop me from feeling like that.

Back to the Orthodox thing. I’m reading a book called “The Way – What Every Protestant Should Know About the Orthodox Church” by Clark Carlton. I’m only on chapter 3, but the point has already been made that Orthodoxy is the only Church, it is a completely different religion from Protestantism, and now that I am reading this book and taking classes about what Orthodoxy is, if I don’t become Orthodox I will be judged more harshly because “the truth” has been revealed to me and to reject the Orthodox Church at this point would mean that I am rejecting Christ himself. Not a good thing to come to a realization about when I’m already feeling like crap.

It doesn’t help that I’ve also been eating everything and anything, particularly junk food. I tried fasting one day last week and someone brought doughnuts to work. Well, I lasted until 2ish before I had a doughnut. Talk about lack of self control. As if my jeans aren’t already too tight.

I should probably just go to bed. Sleep always does wonders for my outlook on life.

Random Tired Thoughts

It has been a long month with intentions of writing with little time to actually sit down to type. In fact, I'm ready to go to bed and thought I want to squeeze a few moments to type some thoughts of the past couple weeks.

We are home. It feels really good to be home. I didn't realize that I would ever get homesick, but I've never been away for more than 4 weeks before. I almost cried when we drove into the city. Of course, I also thought, "Where did all this snow come from? It's March!" Life on the prairies, I guess.

I've also been sick since we've been home. I've lost my voice and am tired. I'm supposed to be going into work tomorrow. If I hadn't been away for the last five weeks, I may have called in sick. As it is, I'd feel bad calling in sick on my first day back. Although if I'm encouraged to go home, I may take them up on the offer -- especially if I can't talk.

Our place is a disaster right now. At one point Bruce said, "Boy, our place looks like your mothers!" If you had seen my mom's place, you'd know exactly what he meant. Standing room only.

On the way back home we had a chance to see my mom's birth mom and an aunt and uncle that I never get to see anymore. I realized that it would be nice to try to take time in the summer and tent from here through to BC so that we could spend time visiting with family without it revolving around a death. I don't think it'll be happening for quite a while, though. I've been to BC three times in the last year which is way more than our budget was planning for (considering we didn't even have one trip planned).

I'm also still waiting to grieve about my mom. There have been occasional moments, but no real release. It's like I'm too tired, or there's still too much to do, or something. Oh well. It'll happen when it happens.

I don't know what I need, but I'm really wishing we had a bigger house. That or that I didn't feel compelled to bring so much of this stuff home. Why do we collect so much stuff?