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After the 5th

2012-01-27T23:52:00.002-06:00

It’s no longer the beginning
But it’s not the end
A change that was coming
But a surprise none-the less

Shock, grief, resignation, acceptance
Feelings flow over
Without being identified
Getting all muddled up
And mixed together
Like a soup or a stew

But it’s not really hot
And it’s not really cold
It’s in the in-between stage
Not young, not old

A part of me wants to embrace it
And a part wants to rebel
What kind of ending will this story have?
Do I want to know?

This will end the way all things tend to end
It will stop being new
It will become “normal” and “routine”

But what I am really waiting for
What I am afraid to hope for
Is the day I will say,
“I feel so good now!
I had forgotten what good felt like.”

And now that I have said it out loud,
I am afraid that day will not come.

After the 4th Dialysis Treatment

2012-01-25T10:32:00.000-06:00

I feel like I am not really me. I know that sounds like something out of a science fiction story, but I am not sure how else to describe how I am feeling.

As I was walking to class this morning, it felt as though I was willing myself to walk, but it sort of isn't me walking. My head feels light and foggy. My limbs are kind of numb. Not like when you cut off the circulation and they are tingling. It's more like an anesthetic - everything is surreal. I am performing these actions, but it is a little like going through the motions. I keep going because this is what I have always done.

No, I am not drugged. I almost wish I was. My arm hurts. My back hurts. I ache all over. And I want to sleep but can't.

This makes me glad that my life is fairly routine. I know what is coming and I can keep going. I feel like this whole dialysis thing is a huge adjustment. I think before I started I assumed that it would just become the new normal. But it is not feeling normal, yet. I know, it has only been one week. And I know that I was told it would be about a month before I noticed an improvement in the way I feel. But somehow that doesn't stop my expectations that I should be able to just keep on going.

In a way, I guess that is what I am doing. It is just that I am going in a dream. I wonder what my life will look like when I wake up?

Treatment #3

2012-01-22T13:53:00.000-06:00

I am not feeling well. I think it is from the dialysis treatment I had last night, but I am not sure why. My understanding is that my not feeling well would be expected if I were getting fluid taken off with my treatments, but I am not. I still pass fluid on my own. The dialysis is only to clean my blood.

My third treatment went well. It was my first 4-hour session. The needle went in without any problems, and my machine didn’t clot up at all. I say “the needle” because even though this was the third treatment, only one needle is being used instead of two. They are going to do this for a week to let my arm heal.

It feels like my whole week has been consumed with starting dialysis. I suppose it kind of has. For the last 4 out of 5 days, I was at the hospital. It will be nice to have a two-day break.

Many people have asked me how I am going to manage continuing with school and work with being on dialysis. I am hoping it will eventually just become routine and that I will feel better. The doctors and nurses have said it will be about a month before I start to feel an improvement. So I guess in the meantime I will just hang in there and ride it out.

PS - I found out the gentleman from the first night who didn’t look very well died the next day. His name is Rene, for those who wish to pray for him and/or is his family.

My 2nd Dialysis Appointment – Part II

2012-01-21T12:12:00.000-06:00

When I was told I had to come back for dialysis the next day, I was a little concerned about how busy my day would be. I had class in the morning, work right after class, and then had to get to the hospital by 5 for my treatment. I hadn’t planned to drive myself to dialysis this soon, but that was how it was going to have to be seeing as my schedule, and Bruce’s, were busy. Everything would be fine so long as I remembered to bring everything I needed for the whole day.

I really wish I handled surprises better than I do. I hate surprises. When I was younger I always wanted a surprise party. But the only time I ever had a surprise party thrown for me, I had a hard time enjoying it because I wasn’t prepared for it. I told a friend of mine that I worried about being a good lawyer because I don’t think fast on my feet. I need time to process things and like to be prepared. She said that was a great thing because the best lawyers are not surprised, but are actually well prepared. But I think there is still some value to being able to react well to surprises.

I was surprised when I got a call over lunch at work from the hospital saying there was some miscommunication and that the doctor had wanted me to come for a treatment in the day not the evening. Therefore, I was supposed to be at the hospital for 12 noon, and it was already 12:30. The reason was because the doctor wanted to look at my access in case it was not usable or if they couldn’t needle it, there would be other options available. Whereas if I went at 5 and my access couldn’t be needled, it would be the weekend, and nothing could be done over the weekend. She wanted to make sure I wouldn’t get too sick. But having to leave work was not good as there was unfinished work that had to be done. That meant someone else would have to do it, and that didn’t seem fair to me. Bruce tried to point out to me later that there was nothing I could do, but I still felt like I was at fault. Seeing as there really wasn’t much else I could do, however, I made arrangements at work and headed to the hospital.

This time everything went really well. My arm is still swollen and hurts, but I was taking Tylenol for the pain. One of the nurses from the first treatment was there and consulted with my nurse about needling my access. They decided to just use one needle again and went higher up my arm to leave the sore part alone. They also discussed how it appeared that it was better not to put a tourniquet on, but rather had one nurse just hold some pressure above the site to help the nurse who was needling. They actually discovered that if there was too much pressure, they would lose my pulse. This time the needle went in and everything was fine.

I was a little creeped out when the nurse had me hold my tubes of blood. They were warm. We had a discussion how she thought that was fascinating. I do not. I think it’s not going to be very long before all of them at the dialysis unit get tired of hearing me say, “There is a reason I went into law and not medicine.” I think I may stop saying it, as I’m getting tired of it! Then again, maybe I won’t.

There isn’t much more to say about the treatment. It was smooth sailing from there on in. The doctor came, and she was super nice. I talked with the social worker for a while, and she was interested in hearing about law stuff which was cool because I love talking about it. There was a very charismatic nurse, and he made me feel comfortable even when I was scared. I was on the machine for three hours, and it didn’t clot up at all. That was without the medication to prevent clotting. They didn’t want to give it to me because of the huge bruise on my arm. They want it to heal.

When everything was done, I packed up and headed home. I didn’t feel like passing out, but once I was home I was really tired. My son asked if I would always be tired when I got home from dialysis. I said I don’t know, as this is only my second time. But I most likely will be, anyway, because my treatments will normally be in the evenings, so by the time I get home, it will be bedtime.

I spent the evening resting with ice on my arm. The doctor said to keep icing it over the weekend. My treatments for the next week are also going to be one-needle treatments in the hopes that it will give my arm a chance to heal. But I still have to go for dialysis again today. Two days in a row. Lucky me.

There was a nice surprise for me when I got home - some beautiful flowers and a card from my co-workers. I really like everyone I work with. There are so many blessings in my life. And I am thankful for each one.

Thank you, for your thoughts and prayers. They are truly appreciated.

My 2nd Dialysis Appointment - In 2 Parts

2012-01-20T16:33:00.001-06:00

My arm hurts. My arm really hurts. Like after surgery kind of hurts.

So I thought I was going to be a trooper. I survived the first treatment, and other than my blood clotting, everything was fine. This time they would put the blood thinner medication in and we would just truck along, right?

Wrong. And it had started out so well . . . . .

As soon as I got up to the dialysis unit, the nurse told me what bed I was going to and let me go in. I weighed myself and found my bed. I was even excited because it was kind of by itself in this little cubbyhole type room.

That was going to be perfect for when my family showed up. We’d have a little privacy and not disturb anyone around us when I read Harry Potter to the kids (we are on the 6th book - The Half-Blood Prince). I set out my laptop, textbook and other school paraphernalia while I waited for the nurse(s) to come hook me up to my machine. I was a little nervous, especially when one nurse says to me, “we’ve been a little crazy around here today,” but that happens, and everything should still be okay. Or so I thought.

The next nurse comes, and I guess since this isn’t my first time I don’t need the kid-glove treatment anymore. Okay. I still feel like a newbie, but maybe that’s not the way it works here. That’s fine. I was looking forward to my family coming, anyway, so the sooner I can get hooked up to that machine, the better.

Well, first of all, this nurse didn’t seem to really look at my fistula access the way the other nurses had. She just put that tourniquet as tight as she could around my arm and poked with the needle. OH MY GOODNESS!!!!! Did that ever HURT! I had put the cream on, so I thought it shouldn’t hurt. It didn’t last time! I don’t know what she was doing because I wasn’t looking. The way I cope is by not watching. A little ostrich-like, I know, but, hey, it works. What it felt like was that she was digging around in my arm. And when she couldn’t find what she was looking for, she tried again. I don’t think she poked me more than once, but I don’t know for sure. What I do know is that I started crying. I tried really hard not to. But I couldn’t stop myself.

What ended up happening is the blood leaked into the tissue of my arm. I heard that “it” was blown. I assume they meant my fistula. And now I have this huge lump in my arm. And the lump really hurts. On the plus side, the nurse mentioned that even as she was needling me I was starting to clot. So I figured I wouldn’t bleed to death, anyway.

Eventually I started shaking uncontrollably, and so a nurse brought me a warm blanket. Then my family showed up, which made me feel much better.

My kids are a soothing balm to my soul. What a joy and comfort they bring me. I am so lucky to be their mom.

But I am beginning to think that there will always be people around to keep me humble. A gentleman showed up and started telling me how they’ll have to send me for surgery. He was mostly harmless, but it was still a little disconcerting to hear some of the things he was saying. Particularly as I was not in a great frame of mind. A nurse rescued me, though, and mentioned to him that maybe he should let me rest. He met up with us as we were heading home and said he had been scolded for scaring my kids. I think he frightened me more than them!

We had to wait a while before they let me go even though I wasn’t hooked up to the dialysis machine. They were checking my blood to make sure they could let me go and didn’t need to try needling me again. Since my potassium levels were okay. I was sent home. But my creatinine was at 535 - which is high - and so I was asked to come back to the hospital the next day rather than wait until Saturday. So I was booked for 5 the next day (Friday) and I planned to make the next day’s trip solo.

My First Dialysis Treatment

2012-01-19T15:05:00.000-06:00

There is a reason I decided early on I didn’t want to do anything in medicine. It’s not just because of the shift work that is usually involved, but because I hate needles and don’t really like the sight of blood very much. Oh, I can handle a paper cut. And if my kids ever get nosebleeds, I can deal with those. But it was a whole other experience to see tubes filled with my blood lying across my lap.

Let me go back a step or two . . . . .

For my first treatment, I had my husband drop me off at the hospital. First because it is absolutely frigid temperatures outside (in the minus 40s with the wind chill), but also because I didn’t know what I would feel like when the treatment was done.

There were a LOT of people waiting to get in for their treatments. Treatment times are at 7 a.m., 12 noon, and 5 p.m. I had the 5 p.m. time slot, which is not even the busiest time, I was told. I don’t know how many spaces there are in the unit, but I was in bed 27, so there are at least that many. I noticed there were some chairs and some beds. I overheard one lady saying that she wanted to make sure she was in a bed because last time she was in a chair, it nearly killed her. I had a bed, but am wondering if I would find the chair more comfortable, as I asked to be sitting up so I could read. Apparently the hospital is trying to move toward having all chairs. I’ll be keeping an ear out to hear the reasoning for that. I think if the man across from me had to sit in a chair during his treatment, he would have been even more unwell than he already looked. But I’ll get back to him in a minute.

Initially when I was told my treatments would be four hours, I assumed that meant I would be at the hospital from 5 to 9. Four hours, right? And then I was told my first treatment would only be two hours, I assumed I would be done about 7. See? I can do math! :) However, I was wrong. What it really means is that I was to be hooked up to the dialysis machine for two hours (and eventually four hours), plus the time at the beginning – which includes waiting, weighing, adjusting, poking and prodding (the first time, anyway) – and the time at the end – which includes pressing, waiting, packing more prodding (the first time, anyway) and weighing (yes, I get weighed at the beginning and the end, three times a week. What every woman wants. NOT!). So it is not surprising that my husband calls at about 7:30 asking why I haven’t called him yet to pick me up, and that is because I wasn’t done yet.

But again, I’m getting ahead of myself. . . .

Everyone was exceptionally nice. Well, almost everyone. All the nurses and staff were exceptionally nice. There was a lady who was not quite so nice. She was sitting with the man across from me. He looked very ill and she would make comments that she was not sure if he would make it through the night. She mentioned he was hallucinating, and he was mumbling a lot. He was definitely not in any shape to have a conversation with me. She was very concerned about him. But that isn’t why she wasn’t nice. That just explains her sarcastically said comment later in the evening which was, “Well, at least someone is happy here,” when I was joking and laughing with the people around me. The funniest (and not-so-nice) comment, though, was as I was getting onto my bed, she says to me, “You don’t work out, do you?” Now, that’s true. I don’t work out. But it was shocking because she was the same size or larger than I am. And I couldn’t believe she had actually said that out loud to me. I was very thankful that she decided she needed to go get a coffee or something, and was gone for a fairly lengthy time after that.

The nurses were very nice, though. They were willing to explain to me anything I wanted to know, and stopped explaining when I mentioned there is a reason I went into law and not medicine! They were very understanding about this being my first time, and were friendly and joking with me. I especially liked the male nurse who was there when I was first being hooked up. We were all picking on him, and he was dishing it out – all in good fun. I hope he is there for longer sometimes when I am there.

To begin the treatment, they started me out with just one needle instead of two.

I had put the freezing cream (Emla) on my arm and wrapped it with plastic wrap, but the wrap slid down and so only the lower part of my fistula was frozen. The nurses decided since it was my first time, they would try just using one needle, and tried to explain to me the process of how that works, but I am afraid it was over my head. It was probably similar to when I try to explain a law concept to my non-law friends, it makes sense to me but everyone else’s eyes glaze over. I had the glazy-eyed look.

Because of the way my bed was set up, the tubes filled with my blood were running from my left arm, across my lap, into the machine on my right, and then back again. I have had an IV before, but it was quite a different experience to see my blood in tubes on my lap. I had to put my blanket over the tubes so I wouldn’t see them. I know. I am a suck. Did I not say there is a reason I went into law and not medicine?

I mostly didn’t feel the needle in my arm. I did a little, but when I described what I felt to the nurse, she said it was normal and not to worry. I was supposed to watch to make sure the needle didn’t slip out of place – that would be bad. But it didn’t.

Part way through my treatment, my priest, Father Bernard, and his wife come to visit me. It was such a nice surprise, especially since I hadn’t thought to see if anyone would be there with me during my first treatment. I knew that eventually I would be able to have visitors, and had been told they should wait and come after the first 45 minutes and leave before the end of the treatment as those are busy times for the nurses getting people on and off the machines. You see, I was using my math skills, and thought if someone couldn't be there the first 45 minutes or the last 45 minutes, that doesn't leave much time to be at the first treatment if it is only two hours (half an hour with a visitor, right?). I had expected I would have to do it alone, but am very glad I did not have to. I kind of wish someone had suggested to me when I was told my dialysis date that I could (or should) have someone with me the first time. In hindsight it might have seemed obvious to bring someone anyway, but I really just didn’t think of it. Yet, it really helped to have a familiar face there. In a world of strangeness, it was comforting to have a friend by my side.

It was especially nice to have had someone come to see me, since everything did not go smoothly with my first treatment. My machine started beeping about half an hour before I was supposed to be done. There was some commotion, and the nurses realized that my blood was clotting in the machine. My nurse tried to keep me going a little longer, but gave up when she realized that it was clotting too badly. Around this time she asked if I have ever donated blood before, and I said, “No.” “Well, you have today,” was her reply. The only problem is, it was going in the garbage. Too bad.

The result was that I felt a little light-headed when I was done. I thought I was doing well until she took out the needle and told me to hold the gauze where the needle was. I could feel my pulse, and the combination of losing the blood, not liking blood, and feeling my pulse made me feel like I was going to pass out. I didn’t, because they lowered my bed and gave me a cool cloth for my head, and my nurse held the gauze for me. I kept apologizing, but she reassured me that it was okay, and I was doing great. I felt silly, though.

In the end, I was okay. I would have liked to have been told that they did some extra tests when it is your first time, including having swabs inserted into various orifices of my body. When I got home, I was brain dead. I had tried to write down my experience, but couldn’t seem to get any words to string together. I am guessing it is because I had been running mostly on adrenaline and crashed after I got home.

So, while I am not a “pro,” I do feel a little more prepared for my treatment tonight. Although I get the double poke, this time. At least there won’t be any swabs being stuck in places they shouldn’t be.

The First Day

2012-01-17T13:43:00.000-06:00

So..... today is the day. I have my first dialysis treatment in a few hours.

First, I just have to say that I feel as though I have the most amazing and wonderful people surrounding me and my family. THANK YOU for all your support, whether it has been here or on Facebook or in person. I hold onto the encouraging words that are given to me like a life line. You have no idea how helpful they are.

Second, I am not sure if I am nervous, anxious or downright terrified about what I am going to experience this evening. I keep saying that I know, intellectually, that everything is going to be okay. But it is kind of like when I want to say something in a group or in class, and there is that nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach. And generally, in spite of that feeling, I put up my hand to say something anyway. If I just plow through it, then it’s done and I can move on. That is a little how I am viewing tonight. No matter how my stomach feels, I’m going to put out my arm and plow through it.

Today is only a two hour treatment. Eventually I will be doing four hours a session, three times a week. Someone likened it to a part-time job. Yeah. Sort of. But apparently I will be able to do school work through the process, so that’s good. Maybe it’s a good thing that I have been working while going to school. It gave me practice at time management. :)

An hour before my treatment I have to put a cream on my arm to numb it. I have been told they will put two needles in my fistula access (I had the surgery for my access last year in April). I tried taking a picture of my arm to show you the fistula, but it doesn’t show up very well. My arm looks lumpy where they joined the artery and vein together. And “the lumpy” has been getting bigger over the months – which is good and normal, I am told.

I’ll have to bring my own blanket. And my books to read, of course. I was wondering what I was going to do in the summer when I don’t have school work, but then realized that between the TV shows I want to watch and the books I want to read for fun, I should be okay for a while. And a friend said if I ever wanted company, she would be more than willing to come visit. An excuse for visiting..... I can live with that! Do you think they’ll let me arrange parties at the clinic, too? I always say I’m looking for excuses to have a party. Maybe not so much today, though. Or the next few weeks. I am supposed to start feeling better in a month or so.

If I feel up to it, I’ll let you know how I’m doing after my treatment.

PS – I hate needles.

Another Change. Another Beginning

2012-01-13T22:45:00.001-06:00

It has only been 2 days…… and I already feel like my whole life has changed.

I had a doctor’s appointment Wednesday. It wasn’t anything unusual in that I have been going to the Chronic Kidney Disease Unit for years already. It has been no secret that I live with PKD (polycystic kidney disease), and that I am regularly monitored for kidney function. Sometimes when people find out, they are surprised. I guess because I have a chronic illness I shouldn’t be raising a family, working and going to law school. I’ll admit, some days it feels a little crazy, but I assume everyone’s life is to some extent.

And I have known that I am in kidney failure. I have said it enough times to people. But it didn’t seem like a big deal. Yes, I knew dialysis was coming. I knew it would happen “some day.” I just didn’t really believe that “some day” would be so soon. I really thought it was further away. But it’s not. The day has come. Tuesday, in fact, will be my first dialysis treatment.

When they told me Wednesday that it was time and they would book something for me within the next week or two, I was fine. It was still “some day.” But today I got the call, and I start on Tuesday -- my first treatment. All of a sudden it’s real. This is really happening to me. I am really going to have to readjust the way I live my life. Everything will be planned around my treatments.

So, now what is the etiquette for this? Do I have to tell people personally? A part of me wants to tell everyone I see, and a part of me doesn’t want to really talk about it at all for fear that I’ll start crying. I guess that is why I came here. A “safe” place to share.

The nurses kept asking me how I was doing. I said I honestly didn’t know if I was handling it well, or if I was in shock. Overwhelmed may be a good way to describe how I’m feeling. There is so much to arrange. So much to re-arrange. So much to consider and still to do.

I have a friend who is concerned that I don’t know how to say “no” and that I’ll take on too much, still. I suppose I am a little bit of an over-achiever. Sometimes, anyway. I think it is because I am afraid I will be seen as being lazy. So will I be lazy if I can’t keep doing all the things I do and be on dialysis? I know already there will be some who will say there is no reason why I can’t keep doing everything. I would just need to make sure I manage my time properly. Do those people realize there are times when I would love to just say, “to heck with everything” and throw up my hands and give up? When is enough enough? When is it okay to say, “I can’t do that,” and not have someone think less of me?

I’ll tell you something, though. There is no way I am going to give up on my family. And there is no way I’m going to quit school. I am going to get my law degree, and I am going to do my best to keep a healthy family in the process. And my faith is my anchor, so….. that is my starting point. Every day is a blessing, as are the people in my life.

Thank you, for being a blessing in my life.

Comment to Andrew

2011-11-20T18:43:00.000-06:00

I attempted to comment on a friend's blog when asked some tough questions. However, I received this error:

Your HTML cannot be accepted: Must be at most 4,096 characters

Therefore I am posting my comment here. This is for Andrew in reply to post 8. The original post must be read before the following will make sense.
*****************************************************

First I want to say I am answering your questions as a friend and give my opinion with the caveat that I not be held liable for any decisions you would choose to make after reading my opinion.

Who was more in the wrong? Person 1 or Person 2?
Based only on the facts you have given, both were wrong. Neither were MORE wrong. Wrong is wrong. If you are looking for someone to be justified, I know I am not going to give you that justification.

These people are married. Does that change the situation?
No.

Do you already have a "Gut reaction" as to if the guy struck the girl, or the girl struck the guy? Why was that your first reacation?
I had assumed the girl hit the guy, but that was also because from the tone of the facts I had assumed you were the one trying to force the discussion and are looking for justification in the altercation and confirmation that you are right in this. I may be wrong, but you asked what my “gut reaction” was.

A)If you right away thought that the man struck the woman, why was that your first instinct?
it was not my first thought.

B)Why does society think it's "more ok" for a woman to strike a man then a man to strike a woman, even if the situations are identical
It is not “more ok.” However, the damage a woman can do hitting a man is probably much less than the damage of a man hitting a woman. Same as the difference between a child hitting an adult or an adult hitting a child. Neither is right, and neither should be acceptable. But chances are the adult hitting the child would cause more damage than the child hitting the adult. It may also be expected in the child/adult scenario that the adult should act with maturity. If the situation involved two adults, they both should be mature.
Where are you getting your facts that says society thinks it is more okay for a woman to hit a man?

C)If Striking someone else out of anger and retaliation is ABUSE why is it justified for women and not at all for women?
Again, where are you getting your facts for this? Although I may argue that striking someone is battery, and depending on the circumstances which preceded the battery, there may also be assault, abuse falls into a different category and is not based on a one-time incident. I would argue that abuse can be perpetrated by men or women and it is about having power over a person through fear.

D)If women want equality (and for the most part I think it's a good thing if its in a healthy way) why would the women get a minor charge (if at all) while the man would have "the book" thrown at him?
I would hope that gender shouldn’t matter in the legal system. Ideally it shouldn’t. But I also know that sometimes the outcome of court depends on the facts presented to the judge and the way the judge interprets those facts.
Tell me something….. Why are more black men arresting in Toronto? Why are more aboriginals processed for crime in Saskatchewan? Why are there still some cases where comments are made that the woman was “asking for it,” because of the way she was dressed?

E)What if the WOMAN had the history of violent outbursts... would that still make this "more ok" then if the man had struck the woman (given no history of violent outbursts?)
Abuse is not always violent. And I will say again that hitting is never okay. Physical violence perpetrated by one person to another is never okay.

If I can throw in an extra two cents here…. You cannot change your spouse. You can only change you. You can determine how you will act and react. You are not a victim. In our house today came the words, “Don’t make me have to yell at you!” This is wrong in so many ways. Another person never makes you yell at them. Another person never makes you hit them. You choose to yell. You choose to hit. You may be angry, but they do not make you angry. Their choices may anger you. But what is your goal? What is it they are blocking that you cannot reach? And then ask yourself if you can reach your goal another way, or does the goal need to change?

You are not asking easy questions. What is your goal by asking them? Be honest.

I’m going to say it again. You cannot change anyone but yourself. Work on you, and your relationships around you will change. But remember, you have to be honest (brutally honest) with yourself. And don’t be afraid of what you find out about yourself. We all have garbage. But we are all covered by grace, also. An honest heart God will not deny.

Taking a Break - Settlers of Catan

2011-11-19T11:35:00.000-06:00

I think I have said (or at least I believe) that to stay sane through law school I have to try to maintain balance in my whole life. So yesterday I spent the whole evening at home playing Settlers of Catan with my family. I was introduced to this game by one of my husband's cousins and I loved it right from the beginning. We bought it for ourselves and last night played one of the expansion pack games, The Fishermen of Catan. It is from the Traders & Barbarians set.

The goal of the game is to get to a certain number of points by building settlements, cities and gaining bonus cards like "Longest Road," "Largest Army," or "Harbourmaster." You roll the dice to see what resources you get and then use the resources to build things or trade with other players. It is quite simple and complex all at the same time. There is a board that you make up (which is a different configuration each time you play) that has hexes (tiles) for resources (wheat, ore, sheep, wood and brick). A number is put on each resource tile. When that number is rolled, the resources are handed out in accordance with who has settlements or cities built around that resource.

I finally figured out that I did not have a very good strategy. I would try to ensure that I had the possibility of a variety of resources regardless of the number on the resource. I realized this was not as good as making sure I was by numbers that get rolled more often. Even if I ended up with a lack of one resource, if I had other resource cards I could eventually gain the resources I was missing. But if I had bad numbers that never get rolled, I didn't have any resources to work with, and that was much harder.

While this means that I didn't get some of my reading done, or any CANS worked on, I did have an amazingly wonderful time sitting around enjoying some of the people I love the most. My daughter was out at a sleepover, so it was just my husband, my son and myself. But I really enjoyed seeing how much my son has grown up. He will be 12 in less than a month. And sometimes I see that he is still and kid, and sometimes I see him gaining in maturity. I often call my kids my blessings and treasures from heaven. And I am privileged to see the grown ups they are becoming.

Oh, don't get me wrong, all you parents who have or have gone through the teen years. I realize this brief reprise may not last long and soon I will be dealing with extreme moodiness and the belief that parents are stupid and teenagers are all-knowing. I am trying to be mentally prepared for it and hope we all come out the other end relatively unscathed.

But in the meantime I am going to tuck away an evening of laughing and playing with my family to a place where I can pull it out when I am completely stressed about exams or whatever law school has thrown at me. And I will remember that this, too, shall pass.

Fake It Until You Make It - Right?

2011-11-13T14:56:00.003-06:00

I am surprised I even passed my law classes last year. We are at the point where I am panicking a little about being ready for December exams. In just over one month from now, two of my three classes will be done. Unlike last year, I don’t have time to catch up at Reading Break in February. Of course, when I looked at my exam notes (CANS) from my classes last year, I realized that I never did ‘catch up.’

In an attempt to be helpful to a couple of classmates, I offered to give them my exam notes from last year. When I looked at them I thought, “Oh my! I didn’t even finish getting those ready.” And this reminds me that I had intended to do things much differently this year. I planned to do all my reading and briefing. That way when it comes time to do my CANS I will be able to just compile the information I need and then will have time to study instead of cramming as I am trying to get some semblance of notes together.

While I realize that there is about a month left, so I am not completely last minute (yet), I don’t think I am much further ahead this year from last. For example, I started working through my Torts notes/text. I am on page 36. Only another 200 pages to go. (We won’t mention how long I have spent on those first 36 pages.)

*sigh*

I know what part of my problem is - I keep lacking focus. And I am at the time of year where I don’t feel 100% anymore. I feel tired all the time. I am not sure how much of that is just the stress of life and school, and how much is my decreased kidney function. I try not to worry about what is coming up. I also try to not fall into the trap of procrastinating on everything.

I work much better with clear goals in mind. I need to do what one of my profs said last year when talking about writing the memo -- Just start writing. It doesn’t matter what crap comes out, just start getting something down on the paper. That’s what I need to do with my exam preparation, too. Just get it down on the paper and don’t worry about what it looks like.

Sometimes I hate being a perfectionist.

Law School - Advice to a First Year Law Student

2011-09-25T17:30:00.000-06:00

Last year was my first year of law school. I took Contracts, Criminal and Property. This year I am still techinically a first year because I am taking Constitution and Torts, but it is my second year at the law school. In addition to my first year classes, I also get to take 2 upper year courses (Criminal Procedure and Wills). Last year I tried to document some of my feelings about being a law student. I hope to do the same again this year.

I was in the Academic Support Program (ASP) last year, and have been invited back this year to use it as I need it. This year it is called the Academic Success Program (still ASP). Regardless of what it is called, it was (and is) a great program and I am so glad for it.

At the beginning of ASP some upper year students shared their experiences of first year with the new students. It got me to thinking, "What would I share?" Maybe something like this:

First of all, congratulations to all of you for making it into the College of Law. You may have already heard that you have achieved the hardest part of law school. I know that I personally felt very privileged to have been accepted. There are exceptional people all around you, and you are among them. I considered myself very fortunate and am still extremely grateful to the Admissions Committee for giving me the opportunity to be here. I hope all of you make the best of your time in law school. Those same people that gave me my chance saw something in each or your applications that made them believe you have what it takes to succeed here. And this program, ASP, is a great tool they have provided to us to ensure we all reach our full potential. You can do this!

Now you may have also heard about late nights and hundreds (if not thousands) of pages of reading. If you were like me, your first week was completely overwhelming. I have often explained that the first week or two (maybe three or four) felt like I had been taken out to the middle of the ocean and dumped there, being told "land is that way. Swim." The learning curve was enoromous.

And I have heard other upper years talk about their experience and say that when you are in first year you just have to expect that you won't get much sleep. That you will have to learn how to survive on five hours of sleep a night or something like that. Well, maybe I am fortunate because I was part time, but I would disagree. Oh, you are going to be stressed. I believe everyone here is most likely an overachiever of some sort and you have high expectations of yourself. That is part of the reason why you are here. But my biggest piece of advice at this point is to realize law school success is really about learning how to prioritize and manage your time. Don't sweat the small stuff and don't forget the big stuff. Whatever makes you you - keep that. Law school will change you, but don't let it change the fundamental you. Don't lose yourself in the process. You CAN do this. And ASP is one piece of law school that will help.

If you have a family, remember that law school with be three (or more if you are part time) years, but your family is for your whole life. If you have a hobby you love that helps you cope with stress, keep it up! The people in your life outside of law school may not understand what you are going through, but give them the chance to still support you and be your link to the outside world. Unless you really want it to, don't let law school become your whole life. There really is more to life than law school. Trust me.

And one more thing - all of your professors are here for you. Don't be afraid of them. Talk with them. Ask them questions. Don't be afraid of looking stupid. If you have a question about something, chances are you are not the only one. Our profs really care about us and want each and every one of us to succeed. Like I said before, they all believe in you. You can do this! And you can even have fun doing it!

Congratulations, again. Welcome to the law school family.

September in SK

2011-09-24T15:32:00.000-06:00

It's the end of September, and it is 30 degrees outside now but a few days ago I was scraping my window in the morning. The weather can't figure out if it is Summer or Fall. Apparently my tree can't figure it out, either.

Homemade Valentine's Day Cards

2011-02-14T21:51:00.001-06:00

This year I have been busy and didn't really think about Valentine's Day coming up. Lately I feel as though I keep saying, "I'm so self-focused," or "It's all about me." So I wasn't really thinking about how close Valentine's Day was until my daughter asked about her Valentine's Day cards for her class.

Almost every year in the past I have helped our kids make their Valentine's cards. Because I have been so busy, Bruce suggested that maybe our daughter should just hand out bought cards. I asked her what she wanted.

Doing homemade cards is a lot of work, but in the end is worth the effort to see them all. We usually start well, but after about 2 or 3 cards, my daughter feels as though it is too much work and then it is a matter of pressing her to get them all done. This becomes a multi-day process with only a few cards getting done each day; therefore, I usually give myself a week or so to get them all done. This year we would only have the weekend to get it all done. So I was going to be okay if she wanted to hand out bought cards, but I wanted her to have the option, still.

Yes, she would like to make the cards. Okay. I will help. (Dad will not!) We will start on Saturday by printing our hearts from our Word Valentine hearts page on coloured paper and then cutting them out. About two hundred hearts later (I can't move my fingers!) we have a pile of hearts, the construction paper, glue and stickers ready to make the masterpieces. The sheet looks like the picture at the side and the link above should take you to a download of the Word document I made if you want to use it.

We worked on the cards Saturday and Sunday. Sunday was hard for me as I had been up late the night before helping with the Legal Follies ALSA After Party and didn't get home until 3 a.m. After church my daughter and I worked on the cards again. Actually, .... she worked on the cards and I sat in the chair at the table considering the inside of my eyelids most of the time. Every once in a while I would encourage her to keep going. She did great and finished them all. She even wrote a message on the backs of all of the cards.

Once again the end result is great. I hope these are memories my daughter will carry with her. I know I will.

Daddy's Pictures

2011-02-12T16:44:00.000-06:00

Our daughter is an artist. She always has been. When she was very little, we had to teach her an important lesson. If you draw on your stuff, it's called art. If you draw on other people's stuff, it's called vandalism.

To celebrate finishing my moot, Bruce surprised me by booking us supper at The Real Greek Restaurant. He planned that the kids might get a little bored as we ordered the Yianni Meze (a twelve course meal). Therefore, he brought some paper and pencils so the kids could draw or write if they wanted.

Between the appetizers and the main course Shaeleigh started drawing but Brendan didn't want to, so I started drawing, too. I am not an artist. I'm a wannabe. The kids really get a kick out of seeing their parents draw, though, so they started begging to see their dad draw something, too. "I don't draw," he says. "Yes, you do, daddy! We want one of your pictures!" Because he loves his kids, he starts to draw.

I take a guess, "Is it a mutant poodle?" Yes, yes it is.
"Daddy, you draw really good pictures that are really weird."
He continues to unleash his inner geek.

The Best Husband

2011-02-09T19:07:00.002-06:00

I am preparing for my moot and the house is chilly. So I grabbed an afghan and am sitting at the kitchen table working. Bruce sees me and without saying anything turns up the heat and starts the kettle. Before he takes the kids with him to church (he is teaching the bible study after Vespers), he makes me a pot of tea and brings to me the pot, a cup, a spoon and the honey. I didn’t say anything, and he totally met my needs.

I really am truly blessed and haven’t done anything to deserve the love he gives me. But I love him so much for it. Thank you, God, for giving me the best husband in the world.

Law School - Pre-Moot Jitters

2011-02-09T18:55:00.003-06:00

My moot is tomorrow.* I am feeling nervous, anxious, excited, worried, and a whole bunch of other things all mixed in there. I have been dreaming about it, and talking about it, and worrying about it. I try to remind myself that I will most likely be able to walk out of the room of my own volition, so I shouldn’t stress too much. But I can’t help it. I feel so unprepared. Or like I should be more prepared. Or something.

A part of me thinks I will be fine because I think I know what I am going to say. But there have been times in the past when I have had to speak in front of people and it hasn’t gone as well as I would have liked. I feel fine before I have to speak but once I am standing in front of those people, I get all shaky and breathy and nervous and don’t think as well as I normally do.

I know I’ll be fine. I know I’ll do fine. I am looking forward to tomorrow. But I will also be glad once it is done.

*A moot is a fake court session. Our moot is an appeal of a criminal judgement where the trial judge acquitted a woman of aggravated assault after stabbing a man. The issues are about battered woman syndrome and self-defence and whether or not they are applicable to the facts of the case. As with all appeals, the argument isn't about the facts that were found at the trial level, but rather the way the law was applied. This is a made up case and is not real. The point of this exercise is for us to be advocates in front of a panel of judges.

Law School - Using (or Abusing) Time

2011-02-07T15:27:00.001-06:00

Lately I have been fretting about time. There is so much to do and not enough time to do it all. Or lamenting the fact that when I am stressed, I begin procrastinating and time-wasting. I become overwhelmed with everything that needs to be done and instead of making a list or prioritizing, I end up doing a lot of nothing.

Yesterday I looked at a my friend Naomi's blog. She is a writer and she posted about Timely Intentions versus time management. The idea is that time management is a myth. We all have the same amount of time and what we do with it is up to us. We make choices about what we are going to do with our time, and that in order to maximize our time, we should be intentional about how we spend it. Lately I have not been intentional. I have been more reactionary.

I was speaking with another law student this morning about how when I am stressed I tend to procrastinate instead of doing the things I am supposed to do. I did the same thing years ago and I still do it now. I commented to her that I wonder when I will ever grow out of it, and she said it is not about maturity. It is about being aware of what we do and choosing not to do it. From there I made the leap that it is not just about not doing it, because I have tried that and then fall back into the same bad habits, but rather to replace it with something better.

So, I am going to replace my procrastinating with lists. I am a list person. At work my “list” is the way I organize the files on my desk. I have them in an order so I can take the next thing and work on it, and can see what I have left to do at any given time. Some of my co-workers have wondered how I can work at my desk, seeing as it is often piled with files. But those piles are my lists. Being in school, I don’t have a desk to work at all the time, so I will have to resort to a traditional list. I have my diary for dates, so I will begin using that. I figure then I will also have something concrete to realize that I am getting work accomplished.

If lists don’t work, I will have to come up with something else to fill my stress gap. I am open to ideas.

Law School - My Son’s Perspective

2011-02-06T18:04:00.001-06:00

I had heard that law school can be tough on a marriage. I may talk about that another day. What I hadn’t heard was how it would affect my kids.

When I shared with others about being accepted into law school, a comment I received (more than once) was what an inspiration my going back to school would be for my kids. I’m thinking that maybe that inspiration will be coming at a later date, because they certainly aren’t inspired now. Especially my son.

My son is 11 and my daughter is 8. Most of their lives, their mom has been the working parent. I stayed home until my daughter was about 2. At that time Bruce became the stay-at-home parent and I worked full time. First at McDonalds, then in an office and eventually back into a law firm. I have been a real estate legal assistant for six years now. I was doing the majority of the real estate in the firm by myself. This was difficult at times and especially when there was the big housing boom in the city. There were many days in the summer when I would be at work late in order to get everything done. I would even go in on the weekends, sometimes.

My son seems to have forgotten that. I don’t think I can count the number of times this school year he has said he wishes that I wasn’t going to school. He wishes he would be able to see me more. Even when we have pointed out to him that sometimes he has seen me more now that I am in school than he did when I was working full time, he still seems to think he saw me more back then. I don’t really understand why he thinks this. I have seen him more during the week than I used to. Or at least, I am home more. I do homework at home. So while I am working as much (or more) than I did when I went into the office, I am at home more.

I wonder if it is because I am not a scheduled as I used to be. I worked Monday to Friday. And when I was home, I was always doing home stuff and not work or school stuff. Now, to him, I work all the time. I either go to work, go to school, or do homework. There is not really a ‘time’ he knows I won’t be working. He doesn’t like change very much. (I have heard he comes by that honestly.)

On the plus side, I never used to be able to get a kiss from my son. Now he gives me kisses all the time. And “huggies!” He is a gentle soul who cares very deeply. Hopefully when he is older he will not resent me for this time I have spent at school instead of with him. I know this time with my kids at home is so short. Before I know it, they will be grown up and out of the house. God grant me the wisdom to carve out the time my son needs.

On the other hand, I’m not sure my daughter even notices the difference. Of course, she just may not be as vocal about it.

Oh, and when asked, neither kid wants to become a lawyer. It’s too much work.

Law School - Factum

2011-02-05T20:04:00.001-06:00

Life became too busy to get stuck on how I had not achieved what I had hoped in my exams and my memo. Our moots are coming up. We are told we will be writing a factum as the Appellants or Respondents and then doing the moot in front of a panel of “judges.” We are also told who our partner is and opposing counsel. They give us the trial decision, and what the appeal is going to be about. Self-defence. I had done my memo on the mens rea of the crime. Now I had to learn the law for self-defence before writing the factum. The professor seems to have a lot of faith in us saying that we have been thinking about the law since November. Well, I am not a very good law student, then, because I did my memo and then moved on to the other work I needed to do for classes. I didn’t try to figure out the law of self-defence back then.

At this point I think I have learned a lot, and there is a lot more I know now than I knew six months ago. But I definitely don’t feel as though I have mastered what the law is. It feels more like I have a basic understanding of it.

So, I have read the cases and think I have a fairly good grasp of them. I wrote my section of the memo, spent time with my partner doing some of the writing together, and managed to get the factum handed in. Although, I wish we had more time - like an extra day or two. Looking over it later I saw that it really could have used some more proofreading and editing. I made some really stupid errors. *sigh* Oh, well. Can’t change it now. Let’s hope that doesn’t happen to me when I have to hand in an actual factum to the court.

So now I am focusing on the oral argument. It is with some fear and trepidation that I approach Thursday, which is when my team moots.

On a side note, this semester I have been very grateful that I am not feeling so alone in this journey. Opportunities to talk with classmates and have discussions has really helped. I am not alone and am glad to know that.

Law School - January Blues

2011-02-05T09:26:00.002-06:00

I get my exam handed back to me and look at the mark. Then I hide it. Deep breath. I thought I did better than that. Where did I go wrong?

When we go through the exams, I see at the end the prof made a positive comment about my being able to spot all the issues. It is application I am having trouble with. Darn it! That was the same problem I had with my open memo. What am I doing wrong? Why can’t I seem to get application?

Unfortunately this took me into the depths of despair (well more like a mud puddle of sadness) for the first few weeks of January. In that time we had Dispute Resolution Week, which was good, for someone suffering from lack of self-confidence. It was good to see that law has the opportunity for negotiation and the possibility of having win-win situations instead of there being a winner and loser all the time. There was one disappointment for me, though. We saw a film about the slimy practice of some lawyers. It was about being ethical in your practice. However, as I was waiting for something bad to happen or a negative result for these lawyers, it ended with them coming out good in the long run. I was disappointed to think that it is really true that lawyers can push the line on what is fair and right and get a better result than someone who is maintains their integrity. It made me realize that I will probably not be a financially successful lawyer. I intend to keep living and working the way I try to now - openly and honestly.

In this quagmire of emotions, I have a discussion with my profs. They are still really encouraging. They really do want us all to succeed, and I even think some of them believe I will do well. Maybe my struggle is because I already work in a law firm. I see the law from the assistant view and the outcome. But what we are learning is not about the outcome. It is about how we get to the outcome.

I used an analogy to one of my profs about my struggle to understand application. For years I couldn’t see the old woman in the picture which has both the old woman and the young woman in it, depending on how you look at the picture. No matter how many times my mom tried to show me the old woman, I just didn’t get it. Then one day years later I looked at the picture and thought, “OH! There she is!” My prof said that is a good way to put it. I am still waiting to see the old woman in the picture of law school.

Law School - Christmas Exams

2011-02-04T22:19:00.001-06:00

Christmas exams were stressful, but not as bad as they could have been. This year the faculty decided not to have Christmas exams count unless they will help our grade at the end of the year. There was some debate about doing things this way. Typically first year law students don’t do well on their Christmas exams but do much better in April. But the fear is that if the exams didn’t count, students wouldn’t take them seriously. Are you kidding me? They hand-picked a group of over-achieving perfectionists and they think we won’t work hard for our exams? They did say we were intelligent. We can all figure out that this is a great opportunity to give it our best shot and see how we are really doing. Besides, we are paying big bucks for this kind of feedback. I was taking it seriously. And I seriously realized how much I am not thinking like a lawyer.

I went into the exams feeling fairly confident about my knowledge of the law, but a little shaky on my expression of it. I walked away from the exams thinking I hadn’t done a bad job. Not a great job. But not a bad one, either. I did have my open memo mark back, and that was disappointing. But there was nothing I could do to change that mark now.

Christmas was busy with work and Christmas. Not much of a break for me, but the paycheques were nice. I am looking forward to getting back my exams to see how I really did.

Law School - Think Like a Lawyer

2011-02-04T16:18:00.001-06:00

So the first semester was teaching us that the way we have learned in the past is not the way we will be learning now. It’s not about learning all the laws and spewing out results. It is about changing the way you think. “We are training you to think like a lawyer.” How do lawyers think differently from everyone else? Don’t know. But that is what is going to happen to us. Apparently.

Read a case. Learn how to brief a case. Learn the terminology. Analyze the decision. Spot the issues. What is the rule or holding? Don’t count obiter as law. Apply the law to your facts. Tell me the conclusion. Discuss in class. Realize that what you thought the judge said and what the judge really said are not the same thing. Do it again.

We also need to learn how to write. So we write some exercises. Then we write a closed memo. Then an open memo. Oh, the open memo.

If you thought writing about your facts was hard with a limited number of cases, try having the whole country of cases for decades available to try to figure out what the law is and then apply it. There really is a black hole of research. I got stuck in it and didn’t even come out with the right cases. But the biggest problem I have is that I lack application. Sucks to be me.

But I do my reading - not necessarily all my briefs. Okay, if I were completely honest I didn’t do more than a handful or two of briefs. But I used my colour markers! Blue is facts. Green is issue. Pink is law. Yellow is application. Orange is conclusion. And I attend all my classes. I even participate in discussion. It’s really not because I am a keener or know anything. It is because I don’t know and am a talker. I learn from conversation.

On a side note - first semester was hard. Not just because of the work, but because I was part time and felt like I didn’t really get to know anyone. It felt kind of lonely. And I felt like even as we came up to exams at Christmas, I was still floundering looking for that land. Oh, I was pretty good at treading water. I didn’t feel like I was sinking anymore. But I am certainly not a mountain goat.

Law School - The Beginning

2011-02-04T09:46:00.001-06:00

The first week was unbelievable. I had (mistakenly) hoped to get a jump start on some of my reading. I figured the first week is orientation and since I didn’t have to work I could be a keener and get ahead. Orientation for law school is nothing like orientation for first year university. The first time we met our profs, they said, “the reading for the first class is pages blah to blah. The syllabus will be on PAWS, and I would suggest you make sure you get your text books soon if you haven’t got them already. Oh, and here are a few extra books you might want to read if you get a chance that would be really helpful. They aren’t required reading, but you may find them interesting. It was nice to meet you all. See you soon.”

Wha? Homework before we even start class? Oh, my. Toto, I don’t think we are in Kansas anymore. But this isn’t a dream. It’s the beginning of a nightmare!

Throughout the whole process every prof was extra nice and encouraging and tried to point out that we were all smart and had already successfully navigated the hardest part of law school - getting in. And what they all knew is that really I am sitting there like a deer caught in some headlights waiting to be run over.

One of the ways I described the beginning of my law school career - it felt like being thrown in the middle of the ocean and told, “Don’t worry. We all know you can swim and you will find land eventually. We are pretty sure you won’t drown,” while all I can see is a vast expanse of water and no land in sight.

Another analogy a prof gave was a series of picture. They were great. They began with seeing a mountain in the distance and thinking, “I am going to climb that mountain!” While you are driving up to it, it looks so beautiful and it is kind of amazing that you are really going to do this.

Orientation week is kind of like getting to base camp. The reality of how big the mountain really is looms in front of you. There are tons of people you don’t really know. And it is COLD! What have I gotten myself into? But it’s going to be great, right? There is still some of that excitement.

Then you begin climbing. At some points on your way to the top of the mountain, all you see around you - ahead, behind, and both sides - is a huge wall of ice to climb. Ice, ice and more ice. Does this ever end? Oh, but sometimes you may look to the side and see a mountain goat climbing as though this is the easiest thing in the world to do. (Those mountain goats should be glad we didn’t get any guns when we started this climb!)

But eventually we will reach the top and feel the exhilaration of having accomplished something. And the scenery will be beautiful and the trip totally worth the work. Until we have to come down the mountain when we are exhausted.

That was supposed to take us to Christmas. I am still waiting to see the top of the mountain.

Law School - Acceptance

2011-02-04T00:07:00.001-06:00

Fortunately, I didn’t have to wait until the end of June. In April I received my letter of offer, and I promptly accepted. At the time I had no idea that even before my law school education began, I was already doing something that I was going to learn about. Contracts. It wasn’t an acceptance letter. It was a letter of offer. And my giving them money was the acceptance. Consideration was my deposit and their promise to let me go to school there. And apparently, even though I didn’t know it at the time, I had intentions to create legal relations with the school. Oh, and just to complete the equation - there is no defence.

So, I had a binding contract, whether I knew it or not. And let me tell you, there was no way I was going to breach that contract. I was vibrating with excitement. I was going to law school! Me! I am going to be a lawyer! Oh. My. Goodness. Someone pinch me. This is really happening?!?!

I wanted to tell the whole world. I can’t remember who I talked to that night, but I was on the phone all evening. I was bouncing the next day. I was floating for weeks. And it was going to be great. I would be going to school part time and working part time. What could be better?

Well, that same articling student tried to warn me that part time in law school was not going to be like part time in an undergrad degree. Boy, was she right. They send me the schedule and tell me to pick my classes. Make sure you pick this or this, and then you can’t pick this or this. Maximum credits allowed. Minimum credits allowed. What section for each class. Huh? What do you mean if I take these classes that last all year, they will be at such-and-such a time first semester, but such-and-such another time next semester? Don’t you people realize that I am trying to plan the rest of my life around these things? Are you kidding me?

Nope. Not kidding. Okay then. Well, still going to go. Now that I am in, no one is going to say I can’t go. I’ll make this work somehow. I don’t know how, but it will.

Law School - Before The Beginning

2011-02-03T23:06:00.002-06:00

In hindsight I am wondering if I should have been keeping track of my law school journey right from the beginning. Okay, well, I couldn’t really start at the beginning. That would have taken me back to the mid ‘90s when I was sitting in a law firm waiting to speak with the lawyer about my grandmother’s will. I looked around and thought, “This is what I want to do!” And thus began my journey to where I am today.

Today I am a law student. Sometimes it still seems unbelievable. Sometimes it is very obvious. But let me go back to before my first year of law began.

After submitting my application and writing the LSAT, I waited anxiously for any news about whether or not I had been accepted. I kept apologizing to Bruce for wasting the money applying. I wanted to get in so badly and was so afraid that I wasn’t good enough. After all, everyone knows the competition to get into law school is tough. I was also trying to prepare myself in case there was disappointment. I wasn’t sure that I would be able to go through the process of applying again.

My application had to be in by the end of January, and I wrote the LSAT at the beginning of February. Our marks came out at the end of February. When I talked with the admissions secretary at the college, she let me know that offers would be sent out anytime to the end of June. By the end of June, everyone should receive notification of whether they were accepted to the school or not.

June felt like forever to wait, so I mentally prepared myself for the wait. Then the articling student at our office said that really the school could offer people a place in the college anytime up to the beginning of the year. Oh my! I didn’t want to have to wait that long to find out. I wanted to be able to plan and give notice of my plans to my boss.

Would the World Please Stop?

2010-11-06T08:24:00.004-06:00

I need to get off for a while.

My son lost his best friend this week. Erik Herlen was doing exactly what he should have been doing. He followed the safety rules he was told and waited at the lights to cross the busy street. When the light turned green, he crossed on his way to school. Unfortunately, the bus turning left didn’t see him. The accident happened on Tuesday. Life has not been the same since then.

Today is the funeral. I overheard my son telling someone yesterday he is not sure which day is going to be the worst day of his life – Tuesday or Saturday. The day his friend died, or the day he has to say goodbye. I don’t know, either.

It seems so unfair. He had so much more to do. There was so much possibility. He and my son never ended up having the sleepover we tried to plan. We don’t have an album of pictures. Those boys were supposed to help each other through the rough teen years. Talking about girls. Laughing when their voices crack. Seeing who had to shave first.

I have always prayed that my kids would have good friends and be good friends. That was Erik. I am so glad he was a part of our lives. I can’t believe he is gone.

The Book of Three

2010-10-24T23:07:00.003-06:00

I have been reading The Book of Three by Lloyd Alexander to my son at night. He has to listen to it for his homeschooling book club. I tried getting him to read it earlier this year, but he said it was boring. Now that I am reading it out loud, he is really enjoying it. It is very easy to read and the characters are quite funny. Inevitably while I am reading the chapter he will laugh at one of the characters. Afterward, he will quote his favourite funny line(s). Bruce has been listening, too, since he is the one teaching Brendan and needs to know the story for when the book club gets together. He has said he thinks Lloyd Alexander drew heavily from Celtic mythology in the writing.

The story is about an Assistant Pig-Keeper (Taryn), who has fantastical ideas of what a hero is until he is plunged into an adventure of his own. His companions are a scruffy creature who loves his crunchings and munchings (Gurgi), a young girl with attitude (Eilonwy), and a king turned bard who can't keep his enchanted harp strings from breaking because of his tendency to stretch the truth (Fflewdddur Fflam). It is a story about true courage, camaraderie and growing up.

2010-10-19T20:33:00.004-06:00

Sometimes I find the world has a sense of humour. I was reading an article about Why McDonald's Happy Meal hamburgers won't decompose. On the left side beside the article is an Ads by Google.

Do you find this as funny as I do?

Obsessed About Time

2010-10-18T16:25:00.003-06:00

It's hard to believe I am already half way through first semester of law school. I remember being a kid and thinking how slowly time went by. I would hear the adults complain about how quickly time flew. I wonder what changes our persepctive. The amount of stuff we have to do in a day? Having more responsibilities? Age?

When I started school one of the profs mentioned that if we didn't come into law school with time management skills, we would have to learn them quickly. I also heard that as adult learners we attach our new knowledge to what we already know.

So if I know there are only 24 hours in a day and I need at least eight hours of sleep a night to function well, getting ready for the day and getting ready for bed takes up about three hours a day, and classes and work are about seven or eight hours a day, that leaves five hours a day for homework, church, family and free time.

Hmmmmm....... I need to ponder that. Oh. Wait a minute. I better not take too long, or I won't have time to eat!

Homeschooling

2010-10-17T20:36:00.003-06:00

Last year Bruce and I jumped into homeschooling our son. (Okay, well Bruce does the homeschooling more than I do.) It has been great. Our son changed from being a walking time bomb to a confident kid. Reading an article called Experiences of ADHD-Labeled Kids Who Switch from Conventional Schooling to Homeschooling or Unschooling by Peter Gray in Psychology Today back in September was enlightening. We could really relate to this article with our son.

Today we were talking with another parent who is thinking of homeschooling. I am not against traditional schooling methods (our daughter is in the school system), but traditional methods are definitely not for everyone. I encouraged her to look into what homeschooling is about, do some research on the different methods and talk with other parents who are homeschooling their kids. And I also said to keep in mind that the first year is not one to expect to get places fast. It is a year of de-stressing for the student and learning for the parent. We had a plan when we started (okay, Bruce had the plan), and some of it happened and some of it didn't. But it was still a great year.

Mostly we just keep in mind that our son is smart and loves to learn. As long as we keep educational material on hand, he learns. He even learns when he isn't "doing school." Sneaky, huh? Just don't tell him that he really never stops learning!

Happy Thanksgiving!

2010-10-10T08:08:00.000-06:00

A few days ago I realized I had forgotten that it is Thanksgiving this weekend. Bruce suggested that was okay because we could just have a quiet dinner with just us. That way I could get all my homework done. I had intended to do my reading for this upcoming week and work on briefing the cases in my text books. At work on Friday I mentioned that I was afraid I’d end up wasting the whole weekend away because I’m so tired.

Well, I haven’t really done any school work yet. I spent Friday evening with my kids watching Monsters Inc. My daughter asked who we are going to have over for Thanksgiving and we said no one. She said we had to have SOMEone, so I thought I’d see if my brother wanted to come over. Then we thought of Bruce’s cousin who is in town. Well, it turns out he has two cousins in town this weekend, and they would love to come over. So our dinner by ourselves has turned into seven adults and three kids. We spent Saturday baking bread and getting stuff ready for supper on Sunday.

I’m really excited because it really doesn’t feel like Thanksgiving unless you spend it with others. And I haven’t wasted the weekend away.

Time Management

2010-10-09T11:51:00.004-06:00

I only have so much time and about a gazillion things I want to do in it. Didn't someone somewhere say that we would have more time with all the time-saving devices we have in our lives? I think maybe our expectations of what we can accomplish must have risen with all those devices.

My time now is under strict management. I thought I had very little time before. Now I find that I need to master my time before it masters me. My days are full with school, work, family and church. Unfortunately, in that order. And then I desperately try to squeeze in computer (Neopets and Facebook mostly) and Lost (we are on Season 3. Don't spoil it for me, I don't know what happens).

I was reading a friend's blog and realized I haven't been around here for a while. I'd like to start writing again. I missed posting things like:
* worrying about whether or not I'd get into Law School,
*vibrating when I received my letter of offer from the College of Law,
*planting our garden,
*neglecting our garden,
*camping for 4 weeks this summer,
*coming home with ice cream to make shakes and nachos for supper,
*etc., etc.

I'm sure I can be the time master and blog again. Do you think I can find a time-turner like in Harry Potter?

It's Not About Me

2010-03-24T12:00:00.001-06:00

After class I sometimes talk with one of my fellow classmates. Usually about sociological topics, and then it often turns toward spiritual matters as well. That may be because I can’t see how anything I do, say or think cannot be affected by my faith.

In our latest conversation I said something that actually really impacted me, too. I said, “It’s not about me.” I can’t remember exactly how the conversation went, but we were talking about a lot of different things including humility and giving.

How my statement has impacted me is that I need to lose weight. And I have been struggling with that losing of weight. Part of the issue is that my heel hurts so badly, I can’t walk; therefore, I have not been exercising. But it is also that I keep eating a lot, as though I am getting exercise. And so the statement, “It is not about me,” means that I have to think beyond myself in this. It’s not about me wanting to eat those chips. It’s not about me wanting a pop. It doesn’t matter that I’m craving a french vanilla cappuccino. I need to think about my family. Think about my kids. My husband. My friends. Quite honestly, I don’t think much beyond my kids (sorry, honey). And even then, I most times don’t think beyond my self and my mouth. So now I need to remember:

IT IS NOT ABOUT ME.

US Health Care

2010-03-22T21:09:00.000-06:00

Most days I watch CTV late night news on my computer over my lunch break. Today (or last night) the top news story was about changes to US health care. There is a lot of controversy over the changes, with people strongly for or against social health care in the US. One American said something that I wanted to make sure I wrote out.

“It’s not the American Way. We don’t provide things for everybody. We provide for ourselves.”

That just seemed to sum up a lot to me.

Weight (...Wait?)

2010-02-26T17:12:00.001-06:00

I have known for years (as you may have seen from past posts) that I need to lose weight. Unfortunately, I tend to head in the wrong direction -- up instead of down. It is such a struggle. But it is the next important step I need to take toward getting a kidney transplant.

This is my understanding of where my kidney transplant is at: I have had all my tests done. Bruce has been tested and is a possible match for a donor. Only they (the medical professionals) won’t continue testing Bruce until I meet certain “requirements.” The requirements left are losing weight. The reason is because in order to give me a kidney, they first have to take a kidney out. Before they will take a kidney out, I have to be at an acceptable weight. My ideal weight is about 60 pounds less than what I am. An acceptable weight for surgery could be about 20 to 40 pounds lighter than I am. I can barely get 2 pounds lighter, let alone 20!

The other thing is that I think they don’t want to take a kidney out until I am on dialysis. Because until then, my kidney, no matter how badly it is functioning, is still functioning. And taking the kidney out will most likely push me to need dialysis immediately anyway.

I’m not sure how close dialysis really is. I have seen the surgeon about access in my arm. Apparently I don’t have good veins in my lower arms, so I have been for an ultrasound on my upper arms. That was fun. Not. I was gooped up from my neck, down my armpits and to my elbows. Not really the greatest time. But I did have a really nice technician who chatted with me, so the whole process wasn’t totally bad. That was at the beginning of February, and I haven’t heard anything back. I’m not even sure if I will hear anything back, or if they just tuck that information away somewhere for when they decide they need to tell me. Or if they decide they need to tell me. Maybe I don’t need to know. I don’t know.

I think sometimes that maybe I stay so busy so I don’t really have to think about all this. There’s not really anything I can do but wait. I wait for appointments. I wait for results. I wait to be told the next thing to do. I wait for my kidneys to fail.

I get asked, “How are you doing?” How do I answer that? Fine? Not so fine? Alright most days except when I become overwhelmed with what is really happening to me and I know my life is going to radically change soon, but I don’t know how soon, and feel totally unprepared, but in the meantime I have to keep going as though everything is normal? Do I say that sometimes I wonder if I’ll see my kids grow up? That I want more than anything to be able to be a grandmother, but I am afraid I will not live to see that day? I know that we all live with the possibility that today could be our last. And I try to let my kids know every day that I love them with all of my being. And I love my husband more than words can say.

So maybe I need to keep those things in mind when I am so stressed I want to eat a chocolate bar. Or the big bag of chips. Or second (or third) helpings at supper.

Lord have mercy on me.

Healing

2010-02-25T22:47:00.001-06:00

Now is the time of year, when the weather starts warming up, that many people get sick. Our family is no exception. It began Tuesday morning with our son throwing up. At noon we got a call from school saying to please pick up our daughter because she had thrown up. We had been hoping that the kids were sick because they had eaten some bad coconut the day before, but Tuesday night was my turn in the bathroom, and Wednesday night Bruce’s. I suppose this wasn’t really surprising as two ladies had gone home early from the service Sunday night because they had been sick. The nice thing so far is that it only seems to last a day or so.

I am a confirmed work-a-holic, though. Even though I had been sick Tuesday night, I went into work for four hours on Wednesday. There was work there to be done, and I needed to get in to do it. I slept for the rest of Wednesday, and did both school and work today. But I worked until 9:30 tonight, too.

I wonder sometimes what makes me to work like this. Because, the funny thing is, I have these voices that tell me that I am a lazy person. I remember hearing this when I was younger. It was more indirectly than directly then. It was usually a grandparent making a comment about “these young people nowadays!” And not very long ago I had someone actually accuse me of being lazy. Well, sort of. Not in so many words. But the things I was accused of basically said that. Lazy, manipulative, irresponsible, good-for-nothing. . . . No, wait a minute. The words, “the laziest person she knew” had actually been said.

You know what? Those words were said over a year ago. And they still hurt deeply. I have been trying to remove them. But it’s as though they have wormed their way into me and become a part of anger and bitterness. They are things I know I shouldn’t hold onto, and yet I can’t seem to let them go. And when the conversation plays in my head, it’s like a tape recording rewinding and replaying over and over again. What do I get out of it? A sense of justification? The right to be angry? Being able to play the role of a victim? Where does that get me? Nowhere. What does that get me? Nothing. So WHY? Why can’t I just let go? Why can’t I forgive? I don’t want this anymore. And yet, I can feel that I don’t CHOOSE to forgive.

Maybe it goes with being a broken people. I am a broken person. I am sick, and need healing. Of more than just body. I need healing of soul, too.

Lord have mercy on me.

Lent Begins

2010-02-23T18:36:00.001-06:00

Lent in the Holy Orthodox Church is upon us. The first week or so hasn’t been so bad. That may be because we were busy with services every day, and twice on Sunday. But now that the first week is over, even though I’m tired, I am beginning to miss my time-waster: The Computer. I have spent many hours on Neopets, Facebook and Twitter whiling away my evenings staring at a screen, mesmerized and losing track of time. The computer is not just a time waster. It is a time stealer.

Which is funny considering this post is on the computer, eh? I realize that by taking away one bad habit, it is really just leaving room for another one to grow. Which is why this Lent I am hoping to replace my bad habits with good ones; like getting to bed at an earlier time and doing my rule of prayer.

One thing I noticed about going to services every day of the week. I began humming the songs of the Church in my spare time. I don’t remember all of the words, necessarily, but something is getting in there. It made me think of two things. First, that when our children were little and it was frustrating to take them to church, we were told that even though it may seem like nothing was happening (with them or with us) just being there would allow our faith to soak in. And second, is this what it’s like being in a cult? Sometimes it feels a little like being brainwashed. But willingly brainwashed. Being totally submersed in the culture to absorb it through every pore of my being.

I guess, really, that is what my faith is. Something that becomes the very essence of who I am. And hopefully that is Christ in me.

It's No Surprise, I'm Crazy

2010-02-22T20:15:00.002-06:00

Someone asked me for a recipe at church yesterday, which reminded me that I hadn’t posted any favourite recipes for a long time, which then reminded me that I haven’t blogged in ages.

I’m not sure that it would be wise to try to post an update on everything that has been happening or has happened since the last post. But I can give a general idea, and hopefully I can make a few posts more regularly over the next while.

I have said more than once lately that I must be crazy.

I have wanted to go to Law School for a long time. For about 10 years or so, in fact. When I first thought I’d like to go, I decided to go to Business College first as the program was only 10 months and not 10 years (okay, that is a little bit of an exaggeration, but you get what I mean). I figured if I could get into a law firm to work, I’d be able to see if that is really what I wanted to do. As it turns out, I love it – working in a law firm, that is. Only in the meantime I ended up meeting my husband and having a couple of children. My plans have been put on hold.

Last Spring we (Bruce and I) talked about my going to university to actually pursue this dream of mine to become a lawyer and decided that I should go for it. I applied and signed up to take a Sociology course, intending to apply to the College of Law for the Fall of 2010.

In the meantime, I received news from my doctor that my kidney function is considerably less than what I had been thinking. I thought I was at about 30 percent kidney function, when in reality I am at about 15 percent. I am starting to notice the effects of this because I am often tired and feel as though I have “fuzzy brain” all the time. Eating also makes me feel kind of ill. So even though I get hungry and still enjoy eating, I also feel like I suffer for it later by being sluggish and feeling kind of gross.

So now I am working full time, taking a university class and have applied for Law School for the Fall while working with my doctors toward dialysis. And, it’s Lent.

Crazy.

Misc Update

2009-06-10T22:42:00.002-06:00

I have so much that has happened/is happening. I need to head to bed, but thought I would drop a line here first.

I have been trying to stay off the computer more. Sometimes successfully, sometimes not so successfully. At one point I turned to hubby and said, "I just replace one computer addiction with another." He agreed.

Life personally has been crazy for us. Life really does go by faster the older you get. And there is nothing like children to remind you how quickly it is passing.

Our kids were in piano this year. That was was a first. My son loved it. My daughter quit. We let her because she is still young and we don't want her to hate it. Hubby was forced to play when he was younger, and still has nightmares. Of course, he also doesn't have a single bone with rhythm, either. He looks at the person in front of him to know when to clap.

Brendan is in baseball. Last year both kids were in soccer. This year we didn't get around to enrolling our daughter in anything. Hopefully she will recover and forgive us later. We promised her we will let her do an extra set of swimming lessons to make up for it.

Just with those things we keep hopping. I can’t believe how quickly May has sped by. For a while we were busy every single day. And the weekends were packed. One weekend I was in charge of the clothing drive at our church, it was my 20-year high school reunion, and our daughter was baptized. And somewhere in there I squeezed in pulling dandelions and planting some of my garden.

And to confirm we are crazy, our family is in the process of working with Social Services to become a Foster Family. Our worker keeps asking us when we are going to finish the classes because we only seem to be able to take one at a time. They book them in blocks to try to get people through them quickly. We are not going quickly! She even wrote us a letter to ask if we were still interested in becoming Foster Parents. Hubby talked with her and explained how busy we have been, and it all seems to be okay again. Our daughter is pumped about having a foster child at our house. She periodically asks when he or she is coming, and she drew a picture for “responsibility” at her school of her taking care of a foster child who was crying.

We have also been talking about doing an addition to our house. We have been house hunting for a while, and the houses we have found that we like have gone to other people. We looked at another house today, but are going to start taking the steps needed to see if we really can make an addition work on this house.

AND I’ve been accepted to University. I’m taking the first steps to becoming a lawyer. They are scary steps because, if you noticed, I graduated from high school 20 years ago. I’m not sure I’m ready for studying anymore! And I know this will be a lot of work (and money) and time away from family.

Bruce had a really rough Spring with his Bi-polar. He is still off meds, but it was a rocky ride, and we had done some consulting with medical professionals about going back on meds or taking natural remedies….. I’m afraid my stress will spill over and send him for a loop again.

The doctors have also been talking to me about putting a shunt in my arm (for dialysis). I know my kidney function is continuing to decrease. I also worry a little about all that we are intending to do and what will happen if my kidneys actually do fail. I’m the sole income-earner, and will continue to be even when I am in school. We can’t afford for me to be sick.

Like I said, we are crazy. Maybe I’m the craziest one of the bunch.

On a happy note, my best friend is expecting her first baby and I’m on call to help. So I need to get some sleep and hope that baby waits until I’m well-rested!

Just a Little Frustrated

2009-04-12T21:50:00.001-06:00

I haven’t written much lately. All I have felt the last while has been tired and depressed. And what is worse is I have had a sore throat for the last two months, as well. It’s like I can never feel completely myself. It could be because of any number of things. Bruce has had a rough Spring, I’ve had this sore throat, work has been stressful, it’s Lent, and then I’m never sure if it’s just because my kidneys aren’t working up to par. I finally went to my doctor about my throat. I think I need to fire my doctor. He said he wouldn’t take a throat swab because he’d stake his reputation on the fact that it’s not bacterial, it’s just a virus that I haven’t been able to get rid of. So I’m supposed to stay in humid air (I live in Saskatchewan – mmmm… yeah), not cough, not mouth breathe and drink plenty of fluids. But if I’d like to I can come back in two weeks if it hasn’t cleared up by then. What part of I’ve-had-this-sore-throat-for-the-last-two-months did he miss? Does he think two weeks is going to make a difference? Then I mentioned that I’ve been feeling depressed the last couple of weeks and others have noticed. He looks in my file and say, “Oh, yeah. I notice that you mentioned that back in August, too. Well, have a nice day!” And this is supposed to be someone who claims to specialize in mental illnesses?

I think he must be gender specific, because my husband says our doctor always listens to him. But my best friend who also has the same doctor has trouble getting our doctor to listen to her, too.

I’m just a little frustrated. And really tired of having a sore throat. And tired of being tired. And don’t want to admit that there is a very real possibility that because of my PKD that my life is going to have to change.

Well, Bruce is doing much better, anyway. And work is, hopefully, not going to be so stressful. Lent is almost over. Now all I have to do is get rid of this sore throat and someone can come up with a cure for PKD and I’ll be 100% again.

Travelling

2009-03-24T17:40:00.000-06:00

I take travelling for granted. Not that we travel often or really very far.

This past weekend we visited my in-laws to celebrate my father-in-law’s 85th birthday. My brother-in-law lives on one side of us in Alberta. My parents-in-law live on the other side in Manitoba. So to visit, we usually have to travel in one direction or the other.

This time we went West. In typical Prairie Spring fashion, the weather was not very good. We had fog on our way out there, and snow and ice on the roads on the way back. This made travelling interesting. And prayerful. We were very thankful for the prayers for travelling that we received from our church family before we left. I am sure our guardian angels were working overtime.

Believe it or not, there were some people who were crazy enough to pass us, even with the less-than-desirable road conditions. Unfortunately, we think one of the trucks that passed us ended up in an accident. We were told there was a rollover on the highway ahead of us, and we had to wait an hour for the emergency crews to clean it up. There were also times when we were only going 60 km/hr on the highway, which made the day-long trip even longer. Although both Bruce and I agreed that we would rather get home later than not get home at all.

I was also thinking about how we take the distance we travel for granted. There was a time when a trek across the Prairies would have taken weeks, not hours. Even after the railroad connected the country, it still would have taken quite a while. The world has definitely become a smaller place.

Lord have Mercy on those who were in the rollover. Thank you God for watching over us.

Parenting

2009-03-11T21:21:00.001-06:00

A couple of times tonight I was thinking about my parenting compared to the way I was parented. I know that most times we parent the way we were parented. However, twice tonight I was struck by how differently I approach my kids from the way it appeared that my parents interacted with me.

First, I don’t remember ever hearing an apology from my parents. Tonight on the way home from church I apologized to my son. I said something to him that was unfair and out-of-line, and let him know I was wrong. Second, I was tucking in my daughter and realized that there are only a handful of times I remember being tucked in by my mom. Those were special times which I loved.

I’m not sure what the reasoning was behind never apologizing. Unless it was because they assumed they were always right. And I wonder if not tucking me in was to try to help me be more independent. I’m not sure. But I was an angry and fearful child. While I was also strong-willed (quite stubborn, actually), it took me quite a while to gain confidence in myself. I came across self-assured, when really I was an emotional wreck.

I wonder what my kids will remember when they are my age. I hope they remember being loved.

Take a Benylin Day

2009-03-05T10:30:00.003-06:00

When you were a kid, did you ever try to stay home sick? I soon learned that I had to prove to my mom I was practically dying and unable to move before she would let me stay home. Her favourite line was, “Well, Just go and if you still don’t feel well, then you can come home.” This has carried over into my adult life. Even if I am not feeling well, I still get ready and go to work. It is like I have been programmed into believing that in all circumstances you just push through. If you fall over in the meantime, well then you’ve convinced everyone around you that you really are sick and not faking it. The only thing is, all my co-workers hear me coughing and sneezing and blowing my nose, and probably think, “Why didn’t that woman stay home? Now we’re all going to get sick! Geesh!”

I had a rhythm going at work yesterday. Blow nose. Sanitize hands. Put Vaseline on nose. Sanitize hands. Blow. Sanitize. Vaseline. Sanitize. I was using so much sanitizer, one of my co-workers thought there was cleaning happening in the building.

This morning I didn't go into work. I won’t be taking Benylin, but I will drink lots of honey and lemon, gargle with salt water, and rub Vicks on my throat and face, and even on my feet with socks. I’m not sure any of that will help me get better faster. But at least while I’m resting I’ll smell nice.

Try Again

2009-03-04T21:45:00.000-06:00

There are times I've joked with people about how socially backward I can be. The people who know me usually laugh, and I'll say, "No, really. My best friend is only my best friend because she got amnesia." They laugh and think I'm joking and then I tell them the story of how we became friends.

When I walked into my new high school for the first time, I was completely overwhelmed. I had come from a school of 300 to a class of 300. My most vivid memories of the first day are walking to the gym where our day of registration was to begin and having to walk across the vast expanse of the gymnasium to the bleachers at the other end of the room while hundreds of eyes watched my progress, all the while realizing there wasn’t a single familiar face in that crowd. I vaguely remember being amazed at how much the school fees were as I was paying them out of my own money. And I got lost in the building and on the way home. In general, it was a day best forgotten.

Cheryl has a different memory of that day. She tells me she remembers noticing that I was new and attempted to talk with me at some point to introduce herself – realizing that I most likely didn’t have any friends and was alone. While I don’t remember this conversation, she tells me I came across with an attitude of "why-are-you-talking-to-me?" so decided she wouldn’t continue the conversation. This is one of the points of the day that I have blocked out of my memory.

Life continued on and Cheryl and I ended up having common friends, but didn't really get to know each other well. Remember, she thought I was a stuck-up snob who came across as though I was better than everyone else. Those outstanding social skills shining through.

We did take a class together. Chemistry. She had missed some classes, so one day I turned to talk with her. The conversation went something like this:

Me: I noticed you haven't been here lately.
Cheryl: I've been here all week.
Me: Oh. Well, (trying to recover, points to her hand) I noticed you have a bandage on your hand.
Cheryl: Uh, yeah. (that was kind of obvious)
Me: (brightens thinking this may go better) Good thing it's your left hand, eh?
Cheryl: I'm left handed.
Me: Oh. (turns to talk to the person on the other side)

Keep in mind, her opinion of me wasn't very high to start with. Now I'm not only a stuck up snob, I'm an unobservant idiot, too. It turns out she had been missing, but about a week earlier. In order to catch up on the work she missed, Cheryl took down my phone number and put it in her pencil case.

In the summer, Cheryl ended up in the hospital with amnesia. She had her pencil case with her which had my phone number. She thought I must be a good friend of hers because she was carrying my number around. So she called me up. I was so excited to hear from her, and she said she had no idea we weren't really good friends from the way I reacted. I visited her everyday, and by the time she got her memory back she already liked me.

Thank God for second chances.

Forgiveness Sunday

2009-03-01T21:39:00.000-06:00

Forgive and forget.

Today we heard in church to forgive, but not to forget. We remember so that we can help those who have sinned against us in their journey. But forgiveness is essential to heal the relationship. I honestly don’t know how to forgive without forgetting. And if I don’t forget, it is hard for me to forgive. I’m more of an “out of sight, out of mind” kind of person. I also have a hard time forgiving if the person isn’t sorry. Like I’m justified to hold onto my anger and bitterness.

Tonight we had Forgiveness Vespers. That is where we have the Vesperal Service and then afterward we go to everyone in the church, do a prostration and then say, “I have sinned against God and against you. Will you forgive me?” To which we reply, “God forgives and I forgive.” This year I said that I have been around the church community long enough that I’m sure I have offended people. When you spend time with people, eventually you are bound to hurt them.

This Lent I have decided that if I don’t pray, I don’t spend time on the computer or watching TV. Lent means nothing without prayer. I struggle with keeping a Rule of Prayer. I’m not sure if I’ll just start distracting myself other ways to keep from praying. And it’s not like I can stop working – so I will still be on the computer there. But once I get home, the computer will be off-limits if I have not already prayed.

I am also going to try to read some Orthodox books. I am hungering after something deeper, but am not entirely sure what, yet. I hope to find it in this next season. Lent usually reveals to me more of myself. I don’t imagine this Lent will be any different.

I am glad God has brought me to this place in my journey. God is gracious.

Lord have Mercy.

Angels Watching Over Me

2009-02-28T09:26:00.003-06:00

Yesterday I received two parcels from my uncle. The boxes contained items from my Grandmother’s which had been divided and sorted on my behalf. In the boxes was art that Grandma Julie had done. She used to scratch on metal to make pictures. The metal would be painted black, and then she would scratch the picture, add colour, and scratch some more. She had explained to me once that there are many hours that go into making one of these pieces. She was also known for her art and it had sold for quite a bit. But beyond them being of value monetarily, they are distinctly my Grandmother. I had some of her pictures hanging on my wall that she had given to me when she was alive. Now I have added to that collection and have three more pictures added to the walls in my house. There was one in particular that I am absolutely thrilled to have received. It is a picture of a Guardian Angel watching over two children crossing a bridge in a storm. This has particular meaning for me because I had the original picture from when I was in Sunday School. When Grandma saw it hanging on my wall, she asked if she could get a photocopy so she could draw it. She took a black and white copy and turned it into a colourful masterpiece.

Another trinket that came was a Rubik’s Cube on a keychain. It came to us solved. My son picked it up, and now it is randomized. I don’t know how to solve a Rubik’s Cube, so now I am looking for some instructions. Not that I think I’ll ever be able to follow them, but maybe the boy who is far too smart for me will figure it out.

Paper

2009-02-26T22:13:00.003-06:00

Today I was able to help my son’s grade 3/4 class make paper. I have never made paper before. I have seen homemade paper and think it is cool. The kids did a great job. But I was tired when we were done. Nine-year olds definitely have more energy than I do.

For Valentine’s Day, I helped my kids make their Valentine’s Day cards. We have mounds of construction paper, piles of stickers and glitter glue to last forever. I knew my daughter would love to make the cards. Bruce knew our son would not. So I made quite a few of them, but both kids helped. The day before their Valentine’s Day parties at school, I kept my daughter up to finish her cards. As it was getting later I was becoming more insistent that she just get the names written on the cards and do the extra decorations in the morning if she had time. While we were working, my daughter scraped the back of her leg on something at the table. She was whining about it hurting, but it wasn’t bleeding so I told her to just keep writing. Afterward I told Bruce I felt like an athletic trainer. “Just keep going through the pain! The pain doesn’t matter!”

My son had opted to wait until morning to work on his cards. He is slow at the best of times. To get him to finish his Valentine’s cards was almost torturous. I was after him the same way as I was for his sister. Crack the whip! Get the work done! When I’m under pressure, I become very task oriented and not very relationship oriented. By the time we were done, he was quite upset with me. But he finished.

After today, I said wouldn’t it be great if we didn’t just make our own Valentine’s Day cards, we could make the paper, too. Bruce thinks I’m crazy. I think it’ll be fun.

2009-02-25T17:09:00.002-06:00

I have been meaning to read “7 Habits of Highly Effective People” by Stephen Covey for a long time. It was one of my text books in Bible College. I still haven’t made it through the whole book. (not even half-way, if I’m completely honest) But I have read about how the people we love, like our children, behave the way we treat them. If I believe my son is a misbehaved brat and tell him that every day, he will act like a misbehaved brat. It’s the power of words combined with self-fulfilling prophecy. (I'm not sure Covey terms it that way - that's my interpretation)

I’m seeing some of the results of that with my kids. I’m afraid I have categorized them, and they know it. We have branded our son as the intellect who is exceptionally good with numbers, reading and spelling. And we have called our daughter girly, princess and “the artist.” Ever since she was little she has loved to paint or draw or create crafts. We even had to have a little talk about the difference between “art” and “vandalism.” We went over the definitions:

Art is when you draw on your own stuff
Vandalism is when you draw on other people’s stuff

She has begun calling herself an artist. And she is really talented – for a 6-year old. She comes up with ideas I never would have dreamed of. In the process, however, I think we have failed to communicate to her that she is good in other areas as well. She has picked up on reading really well lately, but she still doesn’t like to read that much. I read her stories, which she enjoys. But she doesn’t call herself a reader. That makes me sad, because I know she is capable. We just haven’t encouraged her in that area as much as we did with her brother.

Once again, I am reminded of how I am constantly affecting my children through my words, actions and beliefs. Lord have mercy on me and on them.

Adoption

2009-02-24T16:30:00.001-06:00

My life has been heavily influenced by adoption. My mom was adopted in 1954 when closed adoptions were the only option available to mothers who wanted to place their children. When I was 3 my mom and birth father divorced. My mom remarried when I was 6 and shortly after that my step-dad adopted me. He is my Dad. When I was in my early 20s I had a son and placed him for adoption with an open adoption.

Therefore, I have been involved with adoption in a variety of ways.

Attitudes toward adoption have changed since my mom was adopted. But not as much as I would hope. My grandma seemed to have the attitude that since my mom’s birth mother placed my mom for adoption, she must have been a bad person. I think that is why it was so hard for my grandmother when I decided to place my son for adoption. All these ideas she had about what my mom’s birth mom had to be like were being challenged. She never thought I was a bad person. I was a good kid (mostly). I was smart. I seemed to have enough sense to do well. So why would I choose to give away my baby? She couldn’t see that it wasn’t about me. It was about my child. I knew that I would most likely be a single parent. I saw the single parents around me who were struggling. A 16-year old with no education had been struggling with raising her daughter. A 20-year old working on her nursing degree was struggling. My dad who had a fairly secure job was struggling. I couldn’t physically or emotionally be two people.

But it still felt like I had to fight to defend my right to place my son for adoption. It appeared to me then, and still seems to be the case now, that the options for unplanned pregnancies were as follows:

1. Parent.
2. If you can’t parent, abort.
3. If you can’t parent and won’t abort, then as a last resort you could consider adoption.

Maybe I’m wrong. But I don’t think so. Even my doctor when I found out about my pregnancy first suggested abortion, and then after the baby was born came and said, “You know there are programs to help you financially if you decide to keep your baby.” She was communicating to me that abortion or parenting should be considered before adoption.

Why are we so opposed to the thought of someone else raising a child? Our child? I spoke with a friend once about it, and she had a friend tell her that she’d rather kill her baby than give it to someone else. Are we that selfish?

Don’t get me wrong. I still think women should be able to choose. I don’t want to go back to the days when women were ostracised because they were pregnant before being married. Where girls were forced to give up their babies before they even saw them. Where all ties are expected to be severed never to cross paths again.

Open adoption has been wonderful for me, and I assume it is better for my son. I haven’t lived each day wondering if he is okay. I was able to walk through the grief of letting go with the confidence of knowing he is okay. I didn’t have this huge cloud of unknowing hanging over me. And I never want him to grow up wondering about this huge void in his life that is typical of children who are adopted. I don’t’ want him to have to question if he was loved at all times in his life. He most definitely was.

I just don’t think we give women who are in one of the most difficult times in their lives (raging hormones during an unplanned pregnancy) the tools to adequately make informed decisions about what they are going to do. Of course, there are some women who aren’t in a very good frame of mind to hear all the options. It’s like panic sets in, and you start being reactive instead of proactive.

If I had not made a decision before my pregnancy that I would never get an abortion out of convenience, I most likely would have seriously considered it longer than I did. Oh, yes, I thought about it. On the surface it appeared to be the “easy” way out. No one would have to know. My life wouldn’t have to change. The reality is, it wouldn’t have been the easy way out. It would have changed me forever.

The information on all the available options needs to get to women in crisis with unplanned pregnancies. They need to be given the tools to make informed decisions, without being coerced in one direction or another. Unfortunately, I’m not sure it will ever happen. We all have our opinions and worldviews. Even those helping girls with unplanned pregnancies most likely have preconceived ideas of what they think would be best for these women. Obviously, even I do. I would strongly recommend parenting or adoption over abortion.

Ultimately, we need to realize that a woman in an unplanned pregnancy needs to make the choice. And she needs to own her choice. The only person she is guaranteed to wake up to every morning is herself. And if she can’t look at herself in the mirror and live with her choice, that would be a shame.

Communication

2009-02-23T18:09:00.001-06:00

Have you ever taken communications classes? I have. In those classes, a point that was stressed was that communication is important and occurs at all times, both verbally and non-verbally. In the last few days, the importance of quality communication has come up in a variety of discussions I have had with different groups of people.

Initially, I was involved in a discussion about the use of terminology – particularly as it relates to religious or theological discussions. The choice of words used determines the understanding by the persons involved in the discussion. Conflict in the conversation was that most people use inaccurate words to describe truths. In particular, we were discussing the differences between Western and Eastern thought in Christendom. The disagreement over the use of "East" and "West" to distinguish between Orthodox (Eastern) and Catholic/Protestant (Western) thought was that to separate by geographical location is not completely accurate. The argument was that there have been Orthodox theologians who were not physically located in the East. The one side said that the Western theologian was arguing Eastern thought of Christianity. The other side said that is too inaccurate a description.

The argument for using East and West was that it is commonly understood terminology and, therefore, can be more easily communicated through conversation with others from a variety of religious backgrounds. And it not considered offensive. The other side of the argument was that accuracy is more important than interpretation.

If I were to take the argument into an area that I am more familiar with, I can see the point of both sides. However, reality is that sometimes words/phrases/terminology is used to describe a thought without it necessarily being accurate. Here is my soapbox example:

Pro Life vs. Pro Choice

Now you have a concept in your head of what I am talking about. Pro Life is against abortion and euthanasia. Pro Choice is for legalized abortion. What if I said I disagree with the choices of the words used to express each opinion? For example, I consider myself very much Pro-Choice. I absolutely think that women in unplanned pregnancies need to be able to make informed decisions about ALL the options they have -- parenting, adoption and abortion. There are severe consequences in every choice a woman makes from the moment she discovers she is pregnant to the end result of that pregnancy which will affect her for the rest of her life. However, I am totally against abortion. It is the killing of life. Killing someone made in the Image of God. Typically, Pro Life advocates are viewed as being against choice. I also had someone comment that it appears that those who wear the label Pro Life also seem to have no qualms of performing torture and introducing policies which raise abortion rates by causing people to feel as though they have no personal/financial security. In my opinion, a more accurate description should really be Pro Abortion or Anti Abortion. However, I don’t imagine the current terminology is going to change anytime soon.

I tried to make that point in the discussion, but sometimes I feel as though my analogies must not be communicated clearly as I got the "deer-in-the-headlights" look from the people around me. Charlie once said something on Numb3rs that really struck me -- not that I am saying I am that incredibly intelligent. He said, "Sometimes it’s so hard because I have these ideas in my head, and I have no way to communicate them to you."

I know maybe it was a discussion of comparing apples to oranges – but as far as I can see, it’s all fruit.

The Power of Words

2009-02-20T16:44:00.002-06:00

A while ago I had read my friend’s blog and she mentioned the power of words. As I read about the power of words, I acknowledged its truth intellectually. That statement has come back to me as I had a discussion with Bruce last night.

After I post an entry (or sometimes before I post), I have Bruce look it over and give his opinion. Typically he tells me he thinks it’s good to which I say, “Are you sure?” and he says, “Yes, I’m sure.” Last night he expanded on his response. He commented that I am very hard on myself in my writing. I had never thought of my writing as being hard on myself. I thought of it more as being realistic. I am full of flaws. I also relate more closely to seeing the glass as half empty rather than seeing it as half full. Although, surprisingly, when speaking with others I tend to try to always point out the good characteristics in other people – especially if the conversation is becoming very negative. And (in non-Orthodox circles) I've been told I have the gift of Encouragement.

I took a counselling class in Bible College. It was very enlightening. One of the lessons I pulled away from that course was that it takes seven positive words to overcome one negative word. I tried telling my son about that, but he wouldn’t believe me. I'm hoping one day he will understand. There is power in words. Our teacher said we have all heard the rhyme

Sticks and stones may break by bones
But names will never hurt me!

which is completely false. Words do hurt. Words can bring life. Words can kill.

Am I killing myself? I don’t think so. But it is definitely easier to articulate all the horrible things about me than to list the wonderful things. Maybe I’ll have to do an “I’m-so-great-and-this-is-why!” post.

Or, maybe not.

Success?

2009-02-19T15:00:00.004-06:00

A friend of mine mentioned that when she was younger she dreamed of being a housewife. I never really dreamed of the housewife part, but I always wanted to be a stay-at-home mom. There were many other professional things I would think about. I thought of being an optometrist. I wanted to go to Oxford University after watching Rob Lowe in Oxford Blues. It had always been assumed I would go to university after high school since I got such good grades.

It’s funny how life doesn’t always turn out the way others plan it for you. Or the way I had envisioned, for that matter.

Being in the Orthodox Church, the lingo is that we are all on a journey. And in the process of finding a new building for our community, our priest has repeatedly reminded us that the process (the journey) is more important than the project. Sometimes I find he is much wiser than I initially gave him credit for.

I feel as though my journey has taken a fairly wandering path. I went to Bible College instead of University. Many people there thought that I was destined for great things. I know my grandparents always thought I would be educated and successful. I’m not sure I’ve met their expectations.

The world defines us by the job we do, or the education we have. I’m still working on my definition of success. Sometimes I buy into the world’s definition. By that definition, I am a real estate legal assistant. I don’t have an actual degree in anything. I have my high school Diploma. I have a Diploma of Christian Ministries from a college that doesn’t exist anymore. I have a Legal Administrative Assistant Diploma from a business college. But what do those diplomas mean, really? It means I had parents who kept me in school until I graduated. It means I struggled through classes on my faith trying to figure out who I was and what I believed. It means I am good at office work. But does any of it really define me?

I have wants and dreams. Some realistic. Others not quite so. I haven’t listed them in a while. Let’s see what they would look like today.

Adelle’s Wants/Dreams List (in random order):

Become a lawyer
Travel to many places including Ireland, Israel and Australia
Be a foster mom
Have children who grow up to be confident, independent and loving
Speak to groups of people
Be the kind of person that shows Christ to others
Write stories
Act/Perform on stage
Be an ideal weight and feel healthy
Not have PKD (Polycystic Kidney Disease)

Some of what I want I am unable to express in words. When I first began to truly follow Christ, I wanted so much. I wanted to have the heart of David, the wisdom of Solomon, and to see God as Moses did. And I wanted the gift of prophecy. I know. A ~~little~~ lot arrogant. I’ve had others say to me that I was expecting far too much. And it’s not as though I think I will achieve ~~all~~ any of those things. But I thought it couldn’t hurt to ask. And, really, those are still the things I am drawn to. But as I get older, I’m also a little afraid that I would be any of those things. When I catch glimpses of the heart of God, I weep uncontrollably. When I spout words of wisdom, I fear that I will be proud and think it is of my own doing. And to see God - well, there is a song that brings me to tears at that thought. A couple songs, actually. One is “I Can Only Imagine” by Mercy Me

and the other is “Better is One Day” by Matt Redman

So, by definition am I successful? I don’t know. But I am on a journey.

Grad '89

2009-02-18T21:34:00.001-06:00

It has been 20 years since I graduated. This is a fact I probably would have overlooked if I didn’t already know about a reunion for our graduating class coming up in May. Tickets have to be bought by the end of February, and while Bruce and I have discussed going, there is a part of me that wonders why I should. I have fond memories of Junior High in BC. But my last two years of high school in Saskatchewan don’t particularly bring the warm fuzzies to my heart or cause me to wish I could go back to that time in my life. I am content where I am and have no desire to jump into the tangled mess of teenage hormones and insecurities.

I realize that we have all grown up. Most of us have probably changed quite a bit. I mean, admittedly, while we all thought we are amazingly smart at that age, we really had no working brain cells. Going to the reunion would most likely mean being embarrassed by how few people I’d really remember. It was a graduating class of 300. I was incredibly insecure and self-focused. I’m glad I came out of the high school years remembering my name, let alone anything else.

People change. We grow up. Life moves on. The past is the past.

I had someone strongly suggest that I make sure I go. Twenty years is a long time. Maybe I’ll be like my husband when we went to his reunion last summer. He’s looking around for all the young people and realized that he needed to start looking for the greying, balding, middle-aged guys instead. Some people may say I’m still young. I’m fairly sure going to a 20-year reunion will confirm to me that I am most definitely getting old.

Addicted to Food

2009-02-17T18:19:00.000-06:00

I’m addicted to food. Not the kind of addicted where you need it to live. No. The addicted where I need to eat just because I want to eat. I eat when the clock tells me to eat. I eat when I feel depressed. I eat when I feel tired. I eat when I’m with people. I eat just about everything in sight.

I’m not always that addicted. I know I have the self-control to quit stuffing my face with every delicacy put in front of me. But more often than not, I choose to allow my tastebuds to experience the thrill of the exciting texture and tastes of …. FOOD!

We have been struggling with behaviour issues with our son. So we made a radical move and eliminated all the candy in our house. We tried to say we got rid of the sugar in our house, but our son (who is too smart for me) says, "No, we didn’t!" and hauls out the big Tupperware container of white sugar from the pantry. So, yes, he’s right. We didn’t get rid of all sugar. But we did bag up and ship out all the candy in the hope to reduce the consumption of processed sugar in our house. That and the consequence of gaining or losing computer time has proven to motivate our son in a remarkable way. His behaviour has been spot-on for quite a while now. He can be quite the gentleman when he chooses to be.

The place we delivered all this candy was to my workplace. I filled a candy dish and have it at the reception area for the clients – the wrapped candy. The unwrapped candy is in a dish by my desk. That includes Jelly Belly jelly beans, Hickory Farms mints, etc. Don’t worry. I have the dish behind my computer screen, so I don’t see it and munch on the candy all the time. But I still do occasionally.

The candy is not the reason I realized I’m addicted to eating. No. Yesterday when I woke up I wasn’t hungry. Bruce made this great breakfast of deluxe hashbrowns -- hashbrowns with bacon, green pepper, onions, etc. I piled them high on my plate with a couple of fried eggs. Delicious. However, I couldn’t finish what I took (keeping in mind I took quite a bit). That’s not the point, though. The point is that I didn’t need any of it. I wasn’t hungry, and I ate anyway.

Okay, so, I decided I wasn’t going to eat again until I was hungry. Our church has bought a new building and we have been helping with cleaning and painting. Yesterday was Family Day (a stat holiday), and a perfect opportunity for a work-bee. We showed up just as lunch was being made. I pitched in and helped cut up apples, wash lettuce, and generally get lunch ready. Our son had a play date to go to before everyone was served lunch, so I fed him and offered to take him to his friend's house thinking I would just skip lunch. I was still quite full from breakfast and had made that promise to myself not to eat until I was hungry. All was well. That is, until I got back and the food was out and people were eating. What do I do? I grab a plate and get a burger. Wait a minute! I’m not hungry! (she says as she shovels the food in her mouth)

Well, when you fall down, you just pick yourself up again. Okay, now really. I won’t eat again until I’m hungry. If I’m not hungry at supper, I won’t have anything. That was a nice thought, but that is all it ended up being. We were invited to friends’ for supper. Lasagna with Caesar salad and blueberry crisp for dessert. Once again my tastebuds won out over my stomach, and I had a very generous helping of supper. The word "Glutton" comes to mind.

Bruce and I have made a bet with each other. Who can lose 20 pounds the fastest? I only have another 25 pounds to lose.

I’m glad Lent is right around the corner.

A New Hunt?

2009-02-16T22:11:00.000-06:00

I’m a sucker for punishment.

Those who have been around us know that we went through the gruelling ordeal of trying to sell our house last Fall. It all began when we were looking at open houses and saw a house that began taking us down the road from thoughts of renovating to thoughts of buying another house and moving. It seemed to make sense. The cost would be about the same; however, the stress of renovations would last much longer than the process of moving to a new house. Or so we thought.

We had impeccable timing. Well, atrocious may be more accurate.

We found the house we wanted. Put the offer in. The vendor accepted the offer. We listed our house. Yay! Well on our way to owning a new-to-us home. Like I said, though. Timing is everything.

Right after we listed our house an election was called and the stock market crashed. We kept extending the condition of the sale of our house, brought down our asking price -- twice. Still no bites. Finally in December, after trying to live with two small children in a show home, we decided to call it quits. Even though it seemed to us that the house we wanted was going to be ours, the stress was too much. We gave up. I hate December at the best of times. Bruce has been off his meds, and I didn’t want him on them again. Christmas was right around the corner with family coming for the holidays. Not a good time to be trying to keep our house clean to show others. I discovered through the process that I don’t like to live in a fish bowl.

So our discussions turned back to renovating this house. At least we wouldn’t have to try to sell our house.

Here’s where the sucker comes in. I still keep my eyes open on For Sale signs. We gave our realtor a break, but somewhere in the back of my mind I keep thinking that our house is out there somewhere. So tonight, while we were visiting with friends, the topic came up because they have a neighbour selling. Then they told us a house around the corner was also up for sale, and another one across the street is going to be listed soon. It is a nice neighbourhood. They would be good neighbours. One of the houses had caught my eye as I was browsing the MLS site a while ago. And I’d pointed it out to Bruce as we drove past last week.

Now I’m not sure if I’m excited or fearful, but we are going to call our realtor to take a look at this house. A part of me wants to fall in love with it. A part of me wants it to be all wrong so we don’t have to do anything.

When will I ever learn?

Entry from work

2009-02-13T15:48:00.000-06:00

I thought I was coming out of a funk and was doing much better emotionally. Then I was hit today with a co-worker accusing me of being unapproachable and disrespectful. And not only was I confronted with it, but felt as though I had been blindsided with this information.

I walked away from the meeting unsure of what to do next. I wanted to cry (and did a little). I was thinking, "You want unapproachable. I can give you unapproachable!" And then realized that attitude IS disrespectful, and I’d be exactly what I was being accused of.

It brought back feelings of hurt from being accused last summer. I had a family member say I am manipulative, lazy and irresponsible. I’m still trying to recover from those accusations. I’m not sure the relationship will ever be the same. Not that I really want it the same. But at least before I had no animosity toward the family member. I just couldn’t figure out what I had done to cause such hostility towards me. Once I realized what it was, I was overwhelmed. It wasn’t even anything I knew how to correct as I don’t see myself that way.

As is the case here. I don’t know how to correct a behaviour that I don’t see myself as. I had never thought I was being disrespectful. I’m quite aware that I come across tactless sometimes, and think that I end up overcorrecting sometimes to try to make up for it. Apparently not well enough. I’m still a moronic idiot who is socially unaware.

And then I wonder why my son is struggling so much in school. He doesn’t get the social cues of his behaviour toward others. He isn’t accepting responsibility for his actions. He desperately wants others to like him and can’t figure out why he doesn’t have many friends.

Our roles for charisma suck.

What Life Brings

2008-07-10T12:43:00.004-06:00

A couple of weeks ago, Bruce and I started on a journey we didn't know we were going to go on. For fun we visit open houses on the weekends. Mostly we just look as anything in our price range is too small for us and anything that would fit our needs is out of our price range. That is why we had talked with someone about an addition to our house. The thought was we would add space by building out toward the back yard, four feet down with a raised basement and level above it. Then we saw a house, just like our house, but it had a full basement already. We called a realtor, and *presto* we have officially begun a house hunt.

The housing market here last year was absolutely nuts. Prices skyrocketed with houses more than doubling in price. Prices are still crazy. However, we were very fortunate that we bought our house before the prices made their steep climb. And last year, the market was definitely in the seller's favour. This year is a different story. The market is flooded with houses being listed. People have time to get the house they want. I always thought it was ridiculous that in order to buy a house last year you had to make a snap decision, overbid, and have no conditions. If I'm going to spend hundreds of thousands of dollars, I don't want to "impulse" buy! Like I said - NUTS! But because things have changed, we are rethinking the renovations. The costs to add onto our house will probably be extremely high because building costs are up considerably in and around the City. The advice we've been hearing has been moving may be better than renovating.

In order to buy a house, we will have to sell our house. I'm glad we are in a position where we don't have to move. We are also being fairly particular about wanting to stay in the same area. We love the school our kids are in and don't want them to have to switch schools. This has narrowed down our options slightly. But like I said, we don't have to move. So any offer we put in on a house will be conditional to our being able to sell our house. Which, with the buyers market, may or may not happen.

In any case, we have decided to start getting our house ready to sell in the event we will need to list it. Some of the little things that needed fixing have been worked on. Bruce has been cleaning up a storm. Items are being packed up and hauled out to the garage for storage (the reasoning is, we are looking for a bigger house and then we'll have room!) We started painting the kitchen last night. I really like the colour. It's the same colour as it was before, just MUCH lighter. Right from day one I didn't care much for a dark kitchen. The lighter colour really lightens up the whole room. I had intended to change the walls entirely to the same colour as most of the rest of the house, but Brendan convinced me to stick with green (it's his favourite colour). Bruce thinks it looks blue - but I like it. Tonight I'll do the second coat.

And all this is happening in the midst of regular, crazy busy life continuing. Although I said to Bruce, it's funny how I've wanted to do all this stuff before, but it has taken the motivation of possibly moving to actually get it done. Maybe now we will have to stick around for a while!

My Favourite Recipes

2008-06-09T09:09:00.002-06:00

I've started a new blog for my favourite recipes. My goal is to write one recipe a day. You'll see when you get there the reason I started it is because Bruce always looks on the internet for recipes when I have a whole cupboard full of recipe books with great recipes in them. I figure this way he can cook the way he likes and I still get some of my favourite dishes for supper :D

Proud Mommy, Switching Hours and the May Long Weekend

2008-06-06T23:11:00.002-06:00

First, sorry I haven’t posted here in forever, really. I’ve been meaning to, but time keeps ticking away…. (that DC Talk song has been in my head for over a week now. I don’t remember any of the rest of the lyrics, and I don’t seem to have the CD anymore, so I can’t get it out of my head. Arrrggghhh!!!)

I had a proud Mommy moment today. My daughter has been practising riding a two-wheeler bicycle (meaning one without training wheels) on the grass in our backyard. She hasn’t had the courage to ride it on the sidewalk, even though she has been doing a great job staying upright and not falling over. Today after work I was outside and she was riding her bike on the grass. I mentioned that if she wanted to try, we have a small sidewalk in the back she could try to ride on and that way if she fell it would still be on grass. She became very excited and after one or two successful attempts at riding on the cement in the backyard, she announced that she wanted her dad to watch her in the front on the big sidewalk. Now there is no stopping her! She rode around the block once, then twice, and again with her brother. As I saw her riding off (leaving me in the dust) I had this huge smile on my face -- and that was my proud Mommy moment. *sniff* My baby girl is growing up.

Spending time outside this evening was possible because I’ve switched my hours at work. I’m now working 7:30 to 4 instead of 8:30 to 5. It’s nice to have the extra time in the evening with the kids. I’m still not used to getting up so early. Yesterday I fell asleep on the couch at 8:30. I’ve been trying to get to bed earlier, but it isn’t working very well.

And now I want to tell you about our camping trip on the May long weekend. I know, that was a while ago, but bear with me.

You may or may not know that we have a 1967 Airstream. We bought it last year in May, had a few issues and finally got it at the end of June or beginning of July, I think. There were still some issues, but we used it for the summer and enjoyed it immensely. We knew we had to take it back in the Fall to have some stuff done - replace the fridge and fix a connection from the car to the battery. We were draining the battery when we used anything in the trailer because there was something wrong with the connection that was supposed to recharge the trailer batter from our car while the car was running (I know -- it’s all so technical *lol*). So we think everything is fixed and we’re set to go for this year. Well, except we know we can’t run the fridge on the gas because we didn’t plug the holes beside the fridge and there is danger we could gas ourselves because it would vent into the trailer instead of outside. But that’s not all the fun we had. First Bruce realizes that we have no signal lights when the trailer was plugged into the car. We can’t drive on the road without trailer lights. A camping trip would not be worth the ticket. I don’t know what he did, but he figured out how to get those working. But then he realizes that we don’t have battery power in the trailer. We like to camp in non-electric sites, so battery power is helpful (and I think it was necessary for the trailer lights to work). He plugs the trailer into the house, the battery charges, all is okay again. No problem. We’ll just ask for an electric site.

Now, we don’t use the water much in the trailer (just for the toilet, really) because the water tastes funny. But we had the trailer winterized and thought we should flush all that stuff out. Since we are going to go camping, we might as well take the water and then we can dump the sewage out at the Lake and not have to pay the $5 dumping fee at the campground here in the City, right? Sounds good to me. So, Bruce and Brendan filled the trailer with water. I got home, finished packing, hitched everything up and pulled out of the driveway. With a scrape scrape here and a scrape scrape there. We left a nice long line at the end of the driveway where it meets the road as the hitch dragged on the ground. We could hear the chains dragging and thought, “This doesn’t seem right. We didn’t drag this much last year.” We stop a few houses down, get out of the van to look, and, sure enough, the back end of the van is WAY down. If we go over any bumps, I’m sure it’s not going to be good for the van or the trailer. We think, “What do we do? Do we keep going and hope for the best or pull around the block and park the trailer until we figure out what’s wrong?” I had an idea that maybe the water was weighing down the front of the trailer, so we go inside and start running water through ever tap. That lifted the front up and we were able to go without dragging our back end.

The trip to the Lake was fairly uneventful – just the usual 80 km/h and fear every time you need to change lanes because you can’t see behind you. (Bruce found out at the sewage dump that he can get mirrors for the van that would help us out. I think those are still on the list for the next trailer trip) When we got to the Lake we asked for an electric sight. No such luck. But we could get the exact same sight we had last year that we loved in non-electric. That was fine. We had a lantern and flashlight for night, so we didn’t need to use the trailer lights. And it is a spot close to the park so we could sit at the site and watch the kids play.

Usually the May long weekend rains and is miserable, but this year it was very nice. Very windy, but wind is better than wet. For the most part, the kids played with other kids at the playground. They went on the nature hike, played mini-golf, built fires, roasted marshmallows and ate far too much junk food. All-in-all it was a great weekend. We even got to go to the beach one day. The kids played in the lake even though we thought the water was freezing. They made some friends, and we even chatted with one of the neighbouring campers. All was calm and peaceful -- until Sunday night. I don’t know why everyone seems to come up with the same idea at the same time…. The Lake has an alcohol ban on long weekends to try to prevent people from just coming to drink, be loud, and then puke.

Okay, I need to start at the beginning with some new neighbour campers. A group of younger people (maybe C&C age) pulled up at the empty site beside us. Bruce admits he had the thought that wouldn’t it be nice if it was a church group and we’d hear some campfire songs that night. Uh huh. No such luck. As soon as they opened their mouths we realized they were not a church group. Every second word was offensive. I was glad my kids weren’t at the site and weren’t listening to the language casually tossed about next to us. There was one parent who did have their kids nearby, though, and asked them to tone it down. That lasted for all of about half an hour. *rolls eyes* The funny thing is, they had been arguing about whether or not a canoe would sink in the water from the weight of all of them. They decided it wouldn’t sink and went for their canoe ride (much to our relief). A little while later I see them walking back with paddles in hand but no canoe. Apparently it was so windy, the waves capsized their canoe! I’m afraid I thought, “ha ha!” I also thought somebody’s parents weren’t going to be very happy with them.

At one point the police stopped by to let them know they had too many tents on their site. One tent was removed, and a car full of people left (Yay!). There was a search done of the site. I’m not sure where they hid it, but no alcohol was found at that time.

The fun really began when they were partying beside us (with the hidden alcohol) – we had put the kids to bed already and thought of turning in for the night ourselves. Guess who shows up again but Mr. Policeman. Busted!!! The cop came on foot so they couldn’t hide the alcohol this time. I was amazed when I saw the piles of bottles that turned up. One of the girls was trying to convince the officer that it wasn’t them it was the people before them and that if the cop wanted he could dump out all the alcohol. It sounded like a desperate attempt to convince the police officer that he shouldn’t kick them all out. Nope. No such luck (for them … hee hee). In the dark they had to tear down the tents, pack up and leave. Now we had been ready for bed and I wondered if it would be appropriate to pull out our chairs, start up the fire again, and watch the excitement unfolding at the campsite next to us. I decided to not be so obvious. We climbed into the trailer and peeked out the window instead. *snicker* Okay, in hindsight we should have just set up to watch the show from decent seats. But they do say hindsight is 20/20. *lol*

We didn’t peek for long and did go to sleep. The next day we found out there were about three other parties busted around us. Of course, I slept through it all. It sounded interesting, though. We think everyone must have figured there would be patrols Friday and Saturday night, so they would come out Sunday night instead.

Monday we packed up and headed home. Apparently there is a lot of useful information to be had while waiting to dump the sewage. The kids and I played minigolf while we waited for Bruce. Oh, and we found out that our sewage tank leaks. Yet one more thing to fix – and we are so NOT fix-it-up-ourselves kind of people. BUT we don’t sleep on the ground anymore.

I love our trailer. I love camping. I can hardly wait to go again.

PKD Kidneys Are Large

2008-05-26T17:01:00.002-06:00

Team Teddy Bear: another picture

I have people ask me about my kidneys. I try to explain how big they are, which is surprising to most people because usually kidneys shrink when you have kidney disease. I've been complaining that even though I've been losing weight (only about 10 pounds so far), my tummy still sticks out - especially just after I eat. I think it's because my kidneys take up so much space, but I wonder sometimes if people just don't believe me. That's why I've linked to the above post to show how large polycystic kidneys can become.

Soccer, a Sick Kid, Garage Sale-ing and Mother's Day

2008-05-11T22:19:00.002-06:00

We enrolled both our kids in soccer this year. Initially I wasn’t sure what we were going to do if there were conflicts in game times seeing as we only have one vehicle, and last year Bruce did most of the taking Brendan to his games since I wouldn’t always be home from work yet. So I was quite pleased when I found out Brendan and Shaeleigh have the same soccer coach. Or at least I was. Until I saw their schedules. There are many days when both kids have a game at the same time in different parts of the City. Now how in the world can one coach be in two places at the same time? He can’t. Apparently that’s why they have assistant coaches. But we don’t have an assistant second car. It’s a good thing that we know some of the other parents with kids that go to the same school as our kids. Carpooling and having a busy schedule have taken on a whole new meaning.

Brendan is in an older age category now, and also has practices. So this last week he went to practice, even though he had a runny nose. He seemed to do well. But Thursday Bruce got a call asking him to come get Brendan because he wasn’t doing well and was sick. Apparently he was quite lethargic (keep in mind this is the boy who won’t sit at the supper table and can’t stay still for more than a couple minutes at a time, even when he’s playing computer). Thursday night Brendan complained about his throat being sore, so I tried to take a peek. I couldn’t really see, but the opening seemed smaller than it should be and I suggested Bruce call the doctor in the morning for a checkup. Good thing they went. The doctor said his tonsils looked really bad and put him on antibiotics (the pharmacist called it ‘freshly squeezed banana juice’). This kid has a VERY high pain tolerance. He had hardly complained, and yet we noticed that since he was sick we had a hard time understanding what he is saying (probably because his throat was so swollen). He was supposed to play soccer Friday night, but we kept him home. He was acting okay, but the doctor said it should be a rest day.

Saturday is our garage sale-ing day. There was a church near us that was having a pancake breakfast and sale, so we headed there. It was great. We picked up a couch pillow, fish tank with accessories, bread pan, strainer, square purple candle, suitcase with handbag, Ariel bedskirt (to match the Ariel sheets and quilt Shaeleigh already has), set of 4 matching placemats and set of 6 matching placemats, thermos and 4 Christmas tins for $10. We also ended up getting some books, puzzles, plates, gardening tools, and meat grinder for very reasonable prices. I picked up a book to learn how to use the sewing machine and serger that were my mom’s, as well as a Reader’s Digest How-To book. The lady I bought them from said my husband would be happy because I bought something for him, too. I looked at her and said, “No I didn’t. It’s for me!” I love Bruce, but he is about as handy as he is musical (see previous entry).

Since we spent all our day’s money at one place, we headed to a school in our neighbourhood that was celebrating 50 years by giving away free hot dogs and hamburgers. We stopped at home, picked up our kite, and headed to the school. It turns out we got there just in time (meaning just before the burgers ran out). We ate, went on a horse and buggy ride, and then flew our kite. I was wishing I had thought to bring the cameral, because it was such a great day. The wind was gusting, so the kite would go up and then come down again. But eventually I managed to get it high into the air. But no matter how long or high the kite went, both the kids had fun. (I’ll try to remember the camera next time and post some pictures).

By the time we got home, both Bruce and I were wiped. So we let Brendan play computer, put in a Barbie movie for Shaeleigh, and Bruce and I both laid down (he in the bedroom, me on the couch). When the movie was done, I pulled out some mini pizzas from the freezer to make for supper. Now Brendan has the ability to be an angel. He also has the ability to be quite the opposite. Sometimes it doesn’t matter what we say, he will do or say exactly the opposite. I had asked him to stop playing computer (because we limit the amount of screen time the kids are allowed), and while he eventually quit his game, he continued playing with the keyboard and was making it make all those noises that mean the computer is not happy with what you are inputting. When I told him to stop – well – you can guess what he did. So, probably because I was tired, I told him to go to his room. I had no energy to deal with his defiance.

I think it ended up being a good thing. Because when I went into his room to talk with him, he was lying under his covers with his eyes closed. I left him be until the pizza was ready, and then asked Bruce to go in to let him know his pizza was ready and to talk with him about whether or not he wanted to get up or if he wanted to rest. It turned out that he wanted to rest. Now he and Shaeleigh have Church School Saturday, and then we stay for Vespers. Brendan decided he was going to rest through Church School (both kids LOVE to go to Church School), but he wanted to go to Vespers. I talked with him and let him know that it was okay if he wanted to stay resting, that we weren’t going to make him go to Church when he was sick, but he insisted. So I said, well, we’d see how he was feeling when his Dad was going to go to Vespers (I was planning on staying home because I am sick with a sore throat and runny nose, too). Brendan rested for the hour, and then said he still wanted to go to church, so he went. I stayed home, got ready for bed and was in bed by 7 p.m.

I didn’t have a very good sleep, even though I was in bed for 12 hours. I woke up with a very sore throat. The amazing thing is, when I got to church, my throat didn’t hurt for the rest of the day. It’s starting to hurt again now. But I’ve been feeling like I’ve been on the verge of being sick for the last few months, so this isn’t much of anything new.

My Mother’s Day started with Shaeleigh yelling from her bedroom at 6 a.m. if it was time to get up yet. But I received some wonderful cards from my kids, and Bruce bought me an under-the-sink water purifier. The only problem is, some of the pieces are missing. (and I’m not sure how we’re going to install it when we do have all the pieces.)

Because of gas prices (and health reasons), I like to walk to church now. It takes about half an hour if the kids ride their bikes. We decided to let Brendan sleep as late as he wanted with the idea that Bruce and Shaeleigh would walk, and I’d take the van when (if) he woke up. Well, just as they were getting ready to head out the door, Brendan woke up and wanted to ride his bike as well. Since there was a baptism today, we knew we would have to make sure we got to the church on time (preferably early), so we gave him five minutes. He was ready really fast, so we all went without the van.

Baptisms are always exciting. The service went longer than usual. And even though there wasn’t a scheduled lunch, the families involved with the baptism provided a lunch. We helped clean up and ended up leaving the church later than usual. We are normally one of the last to leave (around 2), but today we didn’t leave until 3.

On the way home we say an Open House. We love stopping at Open Houses, even though the houses are usually way out of our price range or are too small for us. There’s almost always something wrong with the house, but Bruce and I still like to look. This house screamed out both our names. We both LOVE the house. It’s an old house, built in 1912 – 2 ½ stories with a basement. It’s in a neighbourhood we tried to get into when we first were looking at buying a house. The only drawback is the yard (and no garage). It is even in our price range of affordability. *sigh*

Then we started talking about it on the way home. 1. It doesn’t have AC. Summers on the upper floor would probably be unbearably hot. 2. Equalized payments for energy were listed at $136 per month. We currently equalize ourselves at about $85 per month. That would be a steep climb. 3. While it has a ton of room, I couldn’t see entertaining many people there. And I dream of a home where we can have many people over to visit. 4. It has a TON of stairs. One of the other ideas I’m getting used to about our house is that we could potentially be here until we have to move into a nursing home. 5. I’d lose my garden and space for the kids ice rink, and a place to park the trailer. There’s really no yard space.

*pout* I realized that while it was my dream home, it’s not my reality home. I love the character homes, but can’t realistically see it fitting my idea of my lifestyle. I really do love my home, even if I complain about it occasionally.

Now it’s the end of the day and I’m going to head to bed. I’m tired (and sick) and hope that tomorrow is a good day at work.

Pascha 2008

2008-04-30T20:52:00.001-06:00

I am so wiped. The last day of the month and work was crazy. People are back in the swing of buying and selling houses, so I am busy at work. At the moment I am tired and brain dead.

But I haven’t had a chance to sit down and write about this past weekend, and I wanted to make sure that I at least said something before too much time passes and I don’t remember as much.

Last week was Holy Week. There were services every night, and while I didn’t go to every service, we did go as a family Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday. I mentioned the Wednesday service already.

Thursday: Bruce went to the liturgy in the morning and brought me at work some blessed bread. The evening service was the reading of the passion gospels. Christ is put on the cross. I was prepared with Kleenex as last year I had cried and expected I would again this year. Surprisingly, though, I didn’t. I don’t know why. It was still a powerful service.

Friday: I took the day off for Great and Holy Friday. I had worked the Western Good Friday so that I could have ours off. I baked paska, hot cross buns, regular bread, farmer sausage and ham. Bruce baked a cherry loaf. We fasted through the whole day – which was actually a lot easier than I thought it was going to be. The hard part was not trying all the food we were making – but we couldn’t eat most of it for the most part, anyway. We prepared the rest of our food for our Easter baskets and put the baskets on a table in our living room. We mostly followed the guidelines from Nichola T. Krause. I’m wondering if it was easier to fast because I was working so hard and didn’t have much time to think about eating.

In the evening we went to the service where Christ is taken off the cross and put in the tomb. Then there was the reading of the Psalms and Lamentations as a vigil. Bruce and I stayed and had brought the kids’ blankies and stuffies, so they crawled under the benches and fell asleep. We hadn’t signed up to do any of the reading/chanting, but were asked if we would do some. Bruce has been chanting some of his prayers at home, and just before we were asked I had suggested that he go up and give one of the readers a break. Because we both went up, and because he started with chanting, I tried chanting, too. It was really great. We both loved it. He chanted the Lamentations, and I chanted the Psalms. I don’t know how it sounded to someone who is actually musical, but since neither of us are musical, we really enjoyed it.

I was a little disappointed, however. Last year Bruce and I had each signed up for an hour slot. He took the first slot from 9 to 10 and I took 11 to midnight. I took the kids home and put them to bed, Bruce came home and then I went for my shift. Bruce said there were many people at the church while he was reading, and people would come up and relieve the chanters throughout the hour. And when I went at 11, there were still quite a few people sitting in the church, and there were people even when I left. This year everyone cleared out almost right after the service and hardly anyone stayed for the vigil. I thought we’d be prepared with the kids that we would be able to stay for a good chunk of the night. Well, we were the last ones to leave (aside from Father Bernard), but we left shortly after 11. And I think for the last 20 minutes or so of our chanting we were the only ones in the sanctuary. Not that I minded that nobody was listening to us. I was just disappointed that the vigil seemed to end so early.

Saturday: There was a liturgy in the morning which we went to. Then we came home and finished up the last of the preparations for our baskets. One of the kids’ friends came over and we decorated our eggs. We tried to get the kids to lay down for a nap (that didn’t happen. But they were quiet in their rooms for an hour while we laid down). And then there was the Paschal service which started at 11:30 p.m. I was worried that we would have to do the procession around the church inside because when we woke up in the morning, there was snow on the ground. Thankfully, the snow melted throughout the day, but the evening was cold enough that the ground wasn’t all mucky, and we went outside. Shaeleigh slept through almost the whole service, but Brendan only slept for about the first half, and then was up and awake for the rest of it. After the service, we all headed downstairs to have our baskets blessed and feast. Oh boy, did we feast. We have a friend who says he doesn’t need to come to the Paschal service because Mennonites know how to celebrate. I hate to say it, but I was Mennonite before, and while we sure did fellowship, it was nothing compared to the experience of Pascha. I wish he would come and see what he was missing.

This year it seemed as though I was able to participate more because I recognized the services. It was funny because last year Father Bernard said to me that that Pascha would be extra special, but it wasn’t really. This year was far better. Maybe because I have been in communion with the Orthodox Church through this last year. Or maybe because I am more familiar with Orthodox services. Or maybe because last year I was accepting of the Orthodox Church but hadn’t fully embraced it as my own yet, and this time I have. I don’t know. But whatever the reason, this year was much more meaningful than last year. And now I don’t know how we ever got by with Easter in the Protestant world. There is no comparison. And, you know, I would get so upset and bewildered when anyone Orthodox would say that to me when I was Protestant. So I hope nobody is offended. But the more I am immersed in the Orthodox culture and faith, the more I wonder, “WHY did it take me so long to get here?”

Sunday: There was a service at the Church at 3 p.m. where many people read the gospel in different languages, and then everyone was invited over to Father Bernard’s and Presbytera Linda’s place to continue celebrating the Resurrection. It was a good time, and I had a really good chat with one of the parish members. I was so tired, I wasn’t sure I would be very good company, so that visit was nice.

Post Pascha: Now I’m still trying to recover. I have eaten nothing but meat, cheese and eggs over the last few days. Well, there has been lots of bread, too, and the occasional vegetable sneaks in. But I haven’t felt the twinge of hunger since we feasted after the service Sunday morning. I miss that feeling. I’ve actually felt sick and bloated and kind of gross.

I’ve been saying through Lent that I think I’ve been missing the point. I haven’t done a rule of prayer more. I haven’t read more. I didn’t even do a spectacular fast. But I was talking with a co-worker yesterday and realized that maybe I didn’t miss the point of Lent entirely. This year I have come to realize that I sin. Oh, I don’t mean the symptoms of sin, but the sin which motivates me. I am full of pride. I am undisciplined. I am consumed with the cares of this world instead of being consumed with eternity. I have realized that even in the situations in my life where I thought I was the victim, I have a lot to be sorry for and need to repent and apologize. I’d like to think that I’m changing. Or at the very least, even if I’m not changing, I’ve become more aware of how far from the mark that I am. I used to think I was doing pretty good. I believed when people praised me with my relationship with God. Now it all feels like vain flattery. I realize the more I wanted before is nothing compared to the more I want now. And I also realize that I’m not sure many people in my life are going to understand and will think that I’m a little radical and going too far. It’s not too far, though. In fact, it’s not far enough. And I’m not even sure that I am able. Pray that I won’t give up and that God will show mercy on me. Thank you.

Holy Unction

2008-04-24T12:09:00.000-06:00

Yesterday was my first time participating in Holy Unction. The service is the blessing of oil for healing. Our parish celebrated the service with two other parishes. The building we were in had more pews than open space. In our building, we have a few pews but mostly open space. Our family usually stands in the open space. We found a spot in some pews, but because our kids were in a confined space, it was hard to keep them from fooling around together. So Shaeleigh and I moved to another pew. Eventually we moved again to the front because I was feeling claustrophobic. Pews are not made for standing. Orthodox services are not made for sitting. Now I see why many Eastern Orthodox churches don’t have any pews.

Because Shaeleigh hasn’t been baptized yet, I told her she couldn’t go up for the anointing of oil. She was sad. So I asked her if she would want to be baptized before Pascha next year, she said yes. I want to ask her again when we aren’t in the service to see if she will still want to, and if she does we will have to start making preparations for her baptism.

Just Busy - Time Flies

2008-04-19T09:59:00.000-06:00

Yesterday was a busy day. I had 4 files to finish off plus other work. There was a 50th birthday at work at the end of the day. We had a dance at Brendan and Shaeleigh’s school. By the time I got home at 9:30 I was exhausted. We put the kids to bed, sat on the couch, and I fell asleep.

So other than being really busy, I don’t know that I have much to say. Lent is done. Today is Lazarus Saturday and tomorrow is Palm Sunday, and then it’s Holy Week. I don’t think I’ve done very well this Lent. For the most part I’ve kept the food fast, but I haven’t done more reading or praying than usual. I can’t believe how quickly time has gone by. I blink and we are at the end of April already. This summer will go by quickly, too, I imagine.

Complaining..... Again! yeesh

2008-04-17T21:42:00.001-06:00

I am tired. And I am worried. I feel like all I’ve been doing lately is complaining. I’m a procrastinator. I wonder, “What’s wrong with me? I’m hardly doing anything and I still always feel like I have not time and don’t get done the things that I feel I need to do.” Does everyone feel like this? Or is it just me? If anything, it makes me realize I’m not perfect – as much as I’d like to wish I am. *rolls eyes* mmm, hmm.

On a positive note, I stepped on the scale. Drum roll please………… 194.5 pounds! Yay!!! And that is with eating a cupcake a day for the last 3 days (Shaeleigh’s birthday cupcakes) and having too much at supper tonight. I guess some of the little changes are paying off. I haven’t been snacking in the evening. I try to drink more water while at work. I’ve stopped putting hot chocolate in my coffee (I still use whitener), and I’ve been walking.

The next week is going to be super busy. Tomorrow I’m double booked (school dance and youth). Saturday is planning for Holy Week, then begins the marathon. Saturday evening is Vespers. Sunday morning, Liturgy. Sunday, Monday and Tuesday evenings, Bridegroom service. Wednesday, Holy Unction. Thursday, Passion Gospels. Friday – Holy Friday services including an all night vigil. Saturday morning, liturgy. Saturday night – PASCHA! The end is in sight.

Please pray for Bruce. Pray for us all, but especially for Bruce right now. Thank you.

A Birthday, Frustration, and a Wonderful Husband

2008-04-14T23:54:00.001-06:00

A week has gone by already. I knew I hadn’t written for a while, but I can’t believe it’s been a week! I think time really must go by more quickly when you get older.

So, what is it you would like to know?

Shaeleigh’s birthday was on Saturday. She was so excited and really looking forward to her birthday. I’m afraid I was feeling a little bad because we hadn’t really spent much time in planning anything special for her. I remember how important my birthdays were, and would want people to make a big deal about them. More often than not, though, they would come and go just like any other day of the year. Oh, I got presents and had a couple birthday parties. But it was never really made “special.” I’m afraid that I don’t do a very good job of making my kids birthdays special, either. This year we cleaned the church - woo hoo. We have had birthday parties for them every year (even if they are not on or near their birthdays). This year Shaeleigh is going to have her party in May so that she can pick whatever she wants to eat seeing as we fast until Pascha. She is okay with that, so I’m glad.

And we keep a stash of gifts for the kids in our closet. Whenever we see something for them that we pick up but don’t have a reason to give it to them, we keep it away until they do something to ‘earn’ a treat or we need a present. When I had Bruce look in the closet to see what we had up there for Shaeleigh, we found out that there wasn’t anything. I haven’t been shopping for ages, and apparently Bruce doesn’t gravitate toward ‘girly’ presents. We have a ton of stuff for Brendan, but no girl gifts.

Now I had wanted to put together a photo album for Shaeleigh and had the pictures from the garage pulled out and sitting in the boxes in our house. (Which is when we discovered that one box of photos got wet and are ruined.) Therefore, Thursday night and Friday night we dug through the boxes, pulled out multiple pictures of Shaeleigh, sorted and spread them all over the floor until I filled a photo album for her. The first page is of her great grandparents, the second page is of her parents and grandparents, the last page has her patron saint, and all the rest have her. When she first opened it I wasn’t sure if she was glad or not. There wasn’t much of a reaction. We looked through the book with her and told her who some of the people were. Later I saw her flipping through it on her own and when I approached her she said, “This is a nice quiet thing for me to do.” And then the next day she said she was going to have to make sure she took really good care of it. I think it was a hit.

We also gave Shaeleigh her own room. She and her brother have been sharing a room, but she has been asking to have her own room for about a month now. We finally got around to pulling out the bed from the garage and setting it up. It’s very high, so we call it her “princess” bed. She is very excited. Her brother is very upset. He wants her to stay in his room.

On Shaeleigh’s birthday we were at the church cleaning. It was the annual cleaning day. There were many people helping this year. It was really nice to see everyone pitching in, and I think a lot of sorting and cleaning was accomplished since there were so many hands to help. It made me glad to be a part of a community like that. I’m never quite sure how people manage without a good church community. I also don’t understand how people manage who only show up Sunday and then rush out the door. What’s the point? Of course, that could be the total extravert in me showing up. :P

Now, what else? Do you want to know that I was really frustrated last night? I do the Parish Council minutes and we had a meeting tonight but I hadn’t finished the minutes from the last meeting. They needed to be done so that I could read them for approval today. Usually I do them up earlier to e-mail out for review. I keep thinking I’m not doing a very good job. I’m always behind. They always need corrections. It feels very time consuming. So I was tired and venting last night.

I need to interject here. I have the best husband in the world. Because I was feeling so miserable and disheartened, he went out at some point after midnight and picked me up a Pepsi and some gummy worms. He wrapped them up and put them in my lunch with a lovely note that made me realize that he is a gift from God. Alright, well, when I saw all that sugar I was thinking he wasn’t helping me in the losing weight department. But I LOVE gummies and Pepsi. So I ate the gummies and drank about half the Pepsi. I left the other half for tomorrow. Oh, and by the way, me, the sugar addict, thought both were very VERY sweet. I couldn’t believe how sweet they tasted. In fact, I don’t remember pop and candy ever tasting so sweet. And I enjoyed them immensely.

I was talking with the Council Chair about my frustration after the meeting tonight and mentioned that I’m not sure I should be doing this job. She was very encouraging. And then I realized that maybe it’s my pride stepping up to the plate with a different face. I don’t like the corrections that other council members make because I want to be right. I don’t like to be corrected. *pause* Nope. Still don’t have a handle on that humility thing.

Well, I had to stay up for half an hour after I took my iron tonight, but I really need to get some rest. So I’ll sign off now. If there is anything else you wanted to know, it’ll have to wait for another day. :D

My Fortune Cookie Reads....

2008-04-09T16:51:00.001-06:00

Naomi’s blog had an entry about "Your Birthday" I clicked the link and entered my birthday. It was interesting, but the only thing of note was this:

Your fortune cookie reads:
Funny thing about humility. Just when you think you've got it, you've lost it.

That seemed very appropriate, somehow.

Returning to Paradise?

2008-04-08T12:55:00.002-06:00

So I haven’t been on the computer much. Well, at least not the internet. I’ve been playing a game called Aura Fate of the Ages. I love these kinds of games. I remember visiting a friend who had Myst and I’m afraid I totally ignored her because I was playing the silly computer game. I know it’s a little late, but I’m really sorry for doing that to you (you know who you are). So I’m trying to only play it after the kids go to bed so I’m only ignoring Bruce. *embarrassed* The only problem is, I have some other stuff I need to do, too. Some stuff is getting done – like I helped clean some of the kitchen the other night. But I have boxes from the garage that I need to go through that are sitting in the kitchen and living room, and I have minutes to finish typing up and get out to parish members.

We had a retreat this weekend at church. Fr. Joseph W. Copeland from Yakima, Washington - Holy Cross Church came and spoke to us regarding Returning to Paradise. It was very interesting and I, personally, thought it was much better than the Nativity Retreat we had. Bradley Nassif spoke to us in December. And he had a lot of good information to give us. But the difference between him and Fr. Joseph was that Fr. Joseph breathed God. I don’t know how else to explain it, really. And while I think I understood what Fr. Joseph was telling us, I’m not sure I can live it. I’d like to, but I lack the drive/desire/determination. I am far too prideful and selfish and lazy. I mentioned to a lady in our parish that I am those things, and she was kind enough to say that she doesn’t see that. Do you know what, though? The deeper I dig into Orthodoxy, the more I realize how far from the mark I am. I still want to see God, but am afraid that I never will. I still want to be wise, but realize how foolish I really am. I want to have the heart of God, but realize my pride and selfishness stand in the way. And while a part of me would like to just give up and call it hopeless, the other part of me is too stubborn to throw in the towel.

I really need to read the lives of the Saints and the writings of the Church Fathers.

And about the food thing – I haven’t really started over again per se. But I am walking to work again. My portions have still been large, and I’m eating more sugar foods than I should. I think I need to WANT to change. I’m comfortable with my eating habits, and having food be my comfort. And, I’m lazy and undisciplined.

*sigh*

I hope you don’t read this thinking that I’m beating myself up and think that I’m the worst person in the world. I’m not. I know everyone has his or her struggles. And whether we like to admit it or not, we are all proud. I get that now. We are all motivated by pride in one form or another. It’s good at hiding. It’s hard to be truly humble.

I am truly glad for the Grace of God.

Beginning Again

2008-04-03T22:41:00.001-06:00

I haven’t been blogging again. I know… that’s a surprise. Not really. There have been a couple of reasons why. First, who cares? Why am I writing all this down anyway? Second, I was telling someone the other day that I didn’t just fall off the food wagon. I’ve jumped off.

Summary: I stepped on the scale today and have gained back all the weight I had lost the previous 3 weeks. Of course, the reason why probably began with the huge tray of cinnamon buns that our family consumed in one day. I’m pretty sure I ate about half the tray by myself. Keep in mind, this isn’t just a little tray that most people have in their homes. I had borrowed some trays from a friend and they held about 2 dozen large cinnamon buns per tray. The tray we ate were the ends and little pieces, so they were more like cinnamon pullaparts. But they were hot and fresh right out of the oven. They were really good. Also, I haven’t been walking to work. I’ve been riding my bike because I’ve been leaving later. That doesn’t burn as many calories as walking does. And I’ve been eating like a pig. Bruce made a dried fruit and seed mixture the other day. He gave me a container for work that was supposed to last me a few days, and I ate it all in one day! I’ve been eating in the evenings, and taking second helpings at supper.

AAARRRRGGGHHHH!!!!

*sigh*

Now I’m going to have to start all over from the beginning.

So, tomorrow begins day one. Starting weight: 201 pounds.

Superhero Test

2008-03-27T16:52:00.002-06:00

Brendan would like this:

Your results:
You are Spider-Man

Spider-Man		80%
Green Lantern		80%
Wonder Woman		67%
Superman		65%
Iron Man		60%
Batman		50%
Hulk		50%
Supergirl		47%
Robin		42%
The Flash		40%
Catwoman		35%

You are intelligent, witty,
a bit geeky and have great
power and responsibility.

Click here to take the Superhero Personality Quiz

Another Catch-Up Post

2008-03-26T22:29:00.001-06:00

I’m not sure I can even remember what has been happening with me. I can hardly believe it has been this long since I’ve last posted. Uhhh…. So, let’s see….

Sunday Day 18: I know we went to church in the morning. Then we came home and I had the bright idea that we could work on cleaning out the garage. The kids were left to their own devices for the most part while we piled box after box out of the garage. So, everything is mostly sorted. We have a pile of boxes for the church garage sale in May. Bruce brought in the boxes of books because they had been rifled through as we’ve looked for books over time. A few boxes from my mom’s made it into the house to be sorted through, including the cross stitch stuff. I organized my trunk in the living room and it has all the cross stitch and candles in it now. I moved the covered hanger stuff because I ran out of room. Unfortunately, we discovered 2 boxes got wet in the garage. Out of all the possibilities, the ones that got wet were a box with kids books that I was saving for my kids when they were older. They were books that were mine or my mom’s. A classic edition of Alice in Wonderland and Alice Through the Looking Glass, Little Women, Little Men, Swiss Family Robinson, Tom Sawyer, Hans Christian Anderson Fairy Tale Classics, and a compilation of fairy tales that was my mom’s from her favourite aunt and uncle. It was my mom’s book that I cried over. Brendan saw me crying, and I think he was quite upset to see how upset I was. I was also devastated that the other box that got wet was a box of pictures. They were my dad’s photos which had a ton of family pictures. I can’t even express how awful I feel since some of the pictures didn’t have negatives, and I think a lot of the negatives have been ruined also. Bruce is supposed to take the negatives to a photo shop to see if we can salvage them and get the pictures onto a CD or something. I just feel sick about it.

Monday Day 19: I don’t know what happened with this day. I think I walked to and from work, and it snowed. But I don’t remember anything else. Maybe it was an imaginary day.

Tuesday Day 20: Yesterday I caught the bus for part of the way to work because I slipped on some ice I couldn’t see. It had snowed overnight and the ground was covered with a light snowfall. Since it was the Feast of the Annunciation at church with a liturgical service and communion, I walked straight from work to church. After the service we had a fish fry feast at someone’s house. It was a good time. I was a little worried about Bruce, though, because he has not been sleeping well and seemed stressed and a little down. I think he ended up being okay by the end and we all had a good time. I feasted in the evening with everyone else. This Lent thing is not helping my diet for not eating after 7. Especially since I fast from lunch until after taking communion. I wonder how the Muslims keep from gaining weight during their month of fasting.

Wednesday Day 21: I had a doctor’s appointment today. I needed to get a full physical done including a pap test. (yay. not) I found out that I’m actually a fairly healthy sick person. I don’t have diabetes, my cholesterol is good, and I’m not anemic. I do still have to lose weight, although the doctor seemed to think I'd be okay so long as I get to at least 180 pounds. I said I’d like to get to 160 even though my ideal weight is 140. But because I carry most of it on my bum, I think I can get away with being a ‘little’ heavier. At the doctor’s office I weighed 196 pounds and my blood pressure was 112/72.

So there is my exciting life. I’m pretty sure if anyone had insomnia, this would put them to sleep. Which is where I’m going to go now.

Catch Up for This Week

2008-03-22T22:06:00.006-06:00

Wow! The week has gone by so fast. I can hardly believe we’re at the end of Saturday already.

Recap of my week:

Tuesday Day 13: Went to work. I think I was running late so caught the bus part way. Then had Parish Council after work, so got home late.

Wednesday Day 14: I think I caught the bus again. Because we had the Presanctified Liturgy in the evening, I fasted from lunch on, and had smoothie for breakfast/snack/lunch in the morning. Then I ate soup and buns with everyone after church. I had 2 helpings of soup – it was really good.

Thursday Day 15: I walked to work and walked home. I raced myself for the walk home and I think it was the fastest I’ve ever done. Just over 40 minutes (maybe about 43 or so). Bruce had a meeting, but I didn’t. But I finally made time to watch The Ark of Truth. It was good. I started watching some of the special features, too. I’m looking forward to seeing more. My eating went out the window. I had Tootsie Rolls for dessert after supper and snacked on Corn Pops during the movie. I was feeling sugared out.

Friday Day 16: Even though it was Good Friday on the Western calendar, I had arranged with my boss to work so that I can have our Good Friday off without having to take a holiday day. I drove to work because I woke up late and needed to take a shower. By the time I left, there was no way I’d make it to work in decent time (even though nobody else was going to be there), so I drove. It was an okay day, but ISC was really frustrating because the web site was running really slowly so I couldn’t really get done some of the stuff I wanted to do. I also didn’t stick to the whole “only fruits and vegetables” on Fridays during Lent. (Bruce and I were going to do that. It's not an Orthodox tradition. We talked about it and decided that maybe that was a bit overeager and too much for us.) I sort of pigged out on nuts and crackers. After work was Youth. Only 2 of the guys showed up, but Father Bernard talked to us about the Akathist to the Theotokos, we participated in the service, and then we went downstairs to eat popcorn and play some games. I was really glad a couple of the other guys in church stayed to play, too. It was a good time even though we were a small group. Afterward I felt as though I wasn’t really focused, but I hope nobody really noticed.

Today Day 17: We took the kids to see The Pirates Who Don’t Do Anything in the cheap theatre. We promised them that if they waited we would buy popcorn and treats as well as the movie. The result is we showed up a little early and bought some New York Fries in the food court (which I wolfed down far too many), then I ate most of a large Kit Kat chocolate bar, drank a huge glass of Dr. Pepper, ate one of Brendan's Twizzlers and then munched on some popcorn even though I was already bloated and starting to not feel well. By the time we left the movie I was feeling so sick to my stomach. It didn’t help that all day today (from the time I woke up this morning) my back has been hurting all the way up into my head. When we got home I lied down and had a nap before taking the kids to Church School and going to Vespers. Then I had some of the wheat stuff that is offered for the dead as there were two memorials tonight at the service. I ate too much and am still a little dehydrated, I think. I need to make sure I drink quite a bit of water before I go to bed tonight.

So, I should probably step on the scale to see where I am. I’m guessing after the awful lack-of-control week I had, I’m not going to like the result. Well, I’ll go see anyway…..

Weight: 198.5

Ouch. That’s what I get for binging and not walking.

Happy St. Patrick's Day

2008-03-17T22:14:00.002-06:00

Today was the first day in 2008 that I rode my bike to work. Wow, was that ever hard. I was huffing and puffing by the time I pulled into the parking lot at work. When I got in, our receptionist asked how my ride was and I told her I had jelly-legs. I even had to stop to rest at one point before coming the last little way because I was finding even the little hills tough. She laughed and said I was like this every Spring when I start riding again. But I really don’t remember it being quite this hard. I’d never had to stop before.

Bruce has to take my bike in to the shop, though. The handle bars are loose, and neither of us are capable of tightening them. Remember, we’re geeks, not jocks. Apparently there are some boys at school that call Brendan a nerd, and he doesn’t like it. Unfortunately, he comes by it honestly. We are a nerdy family – and a geeky family. I think Shaeleigh may be the most normal one out of the bunch of us, but she’s only 5 still. Give her a few years.

I was listening to a broadcast about fasting on Come Receive the Light at the Orthodox Christian Network’s website. It was interesting. Many people in the Church have been asking me how I’m doing with Lent this year. It’s my first Great Lent as an Orthodox Christian, although we did the Nativity Fast before Christmas. But it is our third year of being at St. Vincent’s through Lent, and we had given up other things through Lent before. I mentioned to someone else about how we’ve done Lent before, and she commented that we are all in a state of progression, though, and that we all learn through Lent how to fast. That it takes time. And the broadcast I listened to mentioned how people often go gung-ho at the beginning of Lent, and then peter off as it continues. I mentioned for me what is difficult is that while we are doing Lent, I’m also having to rethink my eating habits in general – which will need to last beyond Lent. So it’s felt like I would have had a huge change anyway.

Day 12 - I have been finding that I often feel hungry, but when I’m hungry I also feel kind of sick. This is not a new to Lent thing, I had noticed it before Lent, too. Bur then I would just generally eat to try to make that feeling go away, then I’d eat and feel bloated and gross. Whenever I go for my appointments at the CRI clinic, they ask me if food tastes bad. The food doesn’t taste bad, but I never seem to feel very good whether I’m eating or not.

I’m tired of feeling tired. And I’m done with not feeling 100%. If it’s going to get worse than this, I need to learn to not complain as much, because otherwise I’ll be complaining all the time.

Oh, and I haven’t eaten after 7 even though I was making lunches and there was a lot of yummy food that I would have loved to munch on. I’m looking forward to my lunch tomorrow. I have rice with BBQ lentils, salad, fruit salad, and rice pudding (sort of).

Day 11

2008-03-16T22:05:00.000-06:00

Being Sunday, of course we went to church this morning. But because it is the first Sunday of Lent, the service went fairly long. Our sanctuary was very full. We are in the process of looking for a new building because our parish is growing, and today was one of those days when you could see why we need it. After the service we had our usual lunch. There was no dessert, so I wasn’t tempted then. But then this evening was the Sunday of Orthodoxy service with food afterward. I did have a piece of chocolate cake. But since I’ve been cutting back on the food I eat in general, I thought it was okay. I refrained from taking more than one dessert, so I’m still glad about that. We ate a little late, but I haven’t eaten since then.

I was worried I was going to get a headache because I lost my peripheral vision while we were at church this evening. But other than a dull ache, it’s not bad. But I am going to go to sleep right away and hopefully will feel 100% in the morning.

Days 9 & 10 - And the Akathist

2008-03-15T23:07:00.000-06:00

Sorry for not posting yesterday. It was a busy evening. I went to the Akathist to the Theotokos and then went out for coffee with some friends. I wasn’t going to go because it was after 7 p.m. and I knew if I went out I’d be tempted to eat. But I decided to join them anyway when I got home and realized that Bruce, Richard & Mark were going to be meeting together, which meant I’d be stuck in the bedroom. After I went for coffee I realized that I could have watched The Ark of Truth, but by then I was already mostly at the restaurant. It was nice to visit, but I did eat. We had shrimp and onion rings. I ate about 4 shrimp, a couple pieces of bread and 3 onion rings. When I got home I felt kind of sick to my stomach because I’d been doing smoothies all day, so hadn’t really eaten anything. That and the onion rings were greasy, which I haven’t done for a while, either.

I went to the Akathist because next week Father Bernard is going to talk with the Youth about what the Akathist service means and then we are going to participate in the service. I’ve never been to this service before, so thought I should attend at least one before being there with the Youth. I still don’t know what I think about the whole service. But it was interesting to hear Mary referred to as the Bride of God and the Mother of God. In a way, she was both. I’m not sure I can verbalize what I’m thinking, though. Let’s see if I can try. This may be fuzzy and convoluted.

Mary is believed in the Orthodox Church to have had an extraordinary beginning. Tradition says that she was raised in the Temple, and when she grew older wanted to remain there. However, because she was a woman, she could not and so it was arranged for her to be betrothed to an older man so that she could maintain her chastity but would still be taken care of. Keep in mind that betrothal was not like an engagement now-a-days. It was much more committed and required divorce to separate, and yet the couple had not yet consummated the marriage. I would assume that they were prepared to remain this way indefinitely. Then the whole thing about Mary being pregnant came out, Joseph said he’d divorce her quietly, Joseph found out he shouldn’t, and the story goes on.

Theotokos means ‘God Bearer.’ Mary carried God in her womb. Now stop for a minute and think about that. The God of the Universe, the God before all Creation, the God who created you and me and the animals and the trees, the Almighty, All-Powerful, All-Knowing God was inside Mary. Mary – the Mother of God. Can you imagine carrying God in your womb? That’s a pretty big deal. God the Father gave Mary God the Son to carry. As much as I can say that God could have chosen anyone (and He could have), He chose Mary. Only one person could be chosen. This isn’t a role multiple people can have. It’s only happened once and will never happen again. So no matter how much I’d like to think that I could be like Mary, or that Mary could’ve been like any other woman, that’s not true. No other woman in history, or in the future for that matter, is like Mary.

And can I truly say that Mary would have born the Son of God, God Himself, and not been changed? She truly would have been blessed. It’s a blessing to carry any child in a pregnancy. Woman in general are blessed to be able to carry the image of God in the form of another human being and have it bring forth life. But to carry God. That’s almost unbelievable. And I can see the point that she is due honour simply because of who she is. Although I come from a culture that doesn’t really give honour to people just because of who they are. Maybe if I grew up in a monarchy where it was expected to honour the king or queen, I’d understand a little better. But I’m not in that. I’m in a culture where informality is respected more and the expectation is that I will honour someone who has done something to deserve the honour – earned the right of my honour – rather than someone who just is. It’s easy to think that Mary didn’t really ‘do’ anything. She just said, “Yes,” to God. And it’s easy enough for me to think that if I were asked something like that of God, I would say, “Yes,” too. But I wasn’t asked, so it becomes a moot point.

The fuzzy part for me is the difference between honouring Mary and worshipping God. I guess it’s because I don’t have a clear understanding of the practical difference between the two.

So I didn’t post all the above because by the time I went to bed it was about 11 p.m. and I’ve been wanting to get to bed by 10 p.m. during Lent.

So now here it is almost 11 again tonight, and I’m not in bed. But I had a lot to say, and didn’t think I could wait another day before saying it. So, I’ll start on today’s thoughts.

Today I went to a friend’s place to learn how to bake Prosphora bread and to go for a walk. I did both. The walk wasn’t as fast a pace as what I walk to work in the mornings (maybe because I wasn’t running late, or maybe because I was visiting while walking), but I really enjoyed today’s walk. Work is so much more fun when you do it with someone else.

We finished the first round of canvassing for The Kidney Foundation while the kids were at Church School. We’ll try again tomorrow, and then call it quits. I think we’ve done well, though. We didn’t get much door-to-door, but the people who know me and know I’ve been collecting donations have been generous. I said to someone that I think people are more likely to give who know me and know what I’m going through than someone at the door. Strangers have no reason to think about The Kidney Foundation unless they know someone personally; whereas, people who know me know that I’m going through the process of working toward a kidney transplant – and they most likely also know that both my kids have PKD. Making it personal makes a huge difference in perspective.

I also ran into a friend from Living Hope today. It was nice to visit. We were standing in the store for about an hour. I’m so glad for times like that. How do we pick the good or great things in our lives that we will spend our time on. We have so many choices now and can’t possibly do everything. God give me wisdom.

So my eating today was okay, overall, I think. I had a second helping at lunch, but that was because I hadn’t really had breakfast (unless you count 2 cups of coffee as breakfast. It was decaf). And I filled my plate more than once at supper, but it was because first I had a portabella mushroom burger with sweet potatoe fries and then I had spinach and strawberry salad. After 7 all I had was a piece of the bread from the memorial service at vespers tonight.

Sometimes I have felt light-headed, and I’m not sure if that’s because of the Lenten food, or that I’m not eating enough, or just because that’s what is happening to my body. I’ve also felt sick to my stomach, but that was happening before going to the surgeon and doing this diet change stuff.

Day 8

2008-03-13T21:29:00.002-06:00

Stepped on the scale: 197 pounds

Haven’t eaten after 7 and for the first night in a few I’m still feeling full. I actually feel as though I ate too much today. I’m stuffed.

I commented to someone today that there are quite a few sweet foods that I’ve noticed more since cutting back on my sugar intake. For example, I had some carrots and green peppers today and they both tasted fairly sweet. I also had a cinnamon salt water taffy candy that someone gave me. But one was enough. I had been given two of them, but limited myself to just one. It tasted really sweet. Maybe it’ll be like salt. Once I cut back long enough, I’ll notice more when things are extra sweet just like I notice things that are extra salty.

PKD & My Faith

2008-03-13T09:54:00.001-06:00

I had a conversation today with someone regarding my PKD and my faith. It was interesting because on my walk to work I realized that there is so much brokenness in me. Most of my actions stem from pride. I think I have a lot to say, when in actual fact, there isn’t much good that I do have to say. Everything I say comes from me and my brokenness. I may know a little bit, but nothing like the wisdom that I think I spout.

And I have seriously hurt at least two women in my life. And I was realizing how much I had hurt them with my words. And I feel as though there is nothing I can do to make up for those words spoken years ago. How do I take back hurt? How do I fix hurt feelings and cutting someone to the quick? I still carry around careless words that have been tossed at me by others. Words they have probably long since forgotten and hadn’t even realized when speaking them that I would keep them and hold them and pull them out every once in a while to analyze them.

Well, about my PKD and my faith… I had mentioned that I need to talk with my priest about getting permission to at least keep hydrated by drinking some water while fasting before communion. She was quite horrified to think that I would allow myself to be hurt physically to follow my beliefs. I know she was acting out of concern, and I hadn’t really thought about what she had said until we discussed it again. At which point I said that I am in the process of learning how to live out my faith with PKD. I could easily use my disease as an excuse to get out of following what the Church asks of us. I could rationalize saying, “Well, because my iron levels are low and I need protein but have to watch my potassium levels, I need to eat red meat during lent still.” That’s not entirely true. I can get my iron from other sources. I can get my protein from other sources. It’s just difficult to learn what I can and cannot eat. I’m having to learn what is in the food I eat and how it affects me. I can no longer just sit back and stuff my face with whatever I want and thank God that he made me so that my body will figure out what to keep and what to throw away.

I live in a society that is self-serving and demands instant gratification. It is through following the advice of the Church that will help me. That, and the Grace of God – because I cannot do this on my own.

Two for the Price of One

2008-03-12T22:07:00.001-06:00

Yesterday I attempted to post, but got so frustrated I gave up and went to bed instead. I type my blog entries in Word first and then copy and paste it into Blogger. But on the new computer I wasn’t able to use apostrophes. They kept showing up wrong and would have the red underlining saying it was spelled incorrectly. Now any normal, rational human being would probably just keep going with the entry and fix the apostrophes when they were done. I was not a rational human being yesterday. For some reason I was grouchy, grumpy and moody. I was short with the kids while they were getting ready for bed. I had to apologize to Brendan today because he had tried to show me a sentence of his which said I made great waffles, but I essentially ignored him. My brain space doesn’t appear to be much better tonight. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m tired all the time and am grouchy more often. I don’t know how people with insomnia survive.

Day 6 Yesterday I think my eating went well. Except Brendan bought a box of Frootloops and I had a few dry ones in a bowl. I walked to work and otherwise ate well. Like I said above, though, I was grouchy. I cleaned up the kitchen, though. Whenever I’m mad I clean. I don’t know exactly what I was upset/mad/angry about, but whatever it was, I vented on the kitchen. Which means that the wonderful, thoughtful, loving gift my husband gave me didn’t get watched. When Bruce picked me up from work yesterday, he had The Ark of Truth sitting on my seat. I started watching it, but never finished because, like I said, I was grouchy and cleaned instead.

Day 7 For Lent Bruce and I said we were going to try to do just fruits and vegetables (mostly juicing) on Wednesdays and Fridays. I had smoothie for breakfast and smoothie for lunch. Then we had the Presanctified Liturgy tonight, so typically as a church we are to fast completely before taking communion anyway. It is recommended to fast from breakfast, but at least from lunch. I fasted from lunch on. The Nut Lady even came by work, but I’ve said that I’m going to stop buying snacks from her seeing as I’d most likely buy jubjubs or chocolate or other sugar stuff. The only thing is that after the service we have soup and bread downstairs. I picked the leek soup, but ended up having bread and jam. It was cherry jam. Cherries are my favourite. I had 3 helpings of bun and jam. Oops.

I also said I want to try to be in bed by 10 every night for Lent. It’s after 10 now, so I’m going to post this and head to bed.

First Day of Lent

2008-03-10T20:53:00.001-06:00

The first day of Lent. I want to visit the guild at Neopets. I even try to justify it saying to myself, “I’ll just peek in. I won’t post anything. I’ll just look!” Also, cheese would have tasted really good in the soup tonight.

Day 5 – I was hungry earlier today. Right after supper I wasn’t hungry. I just wanted to eat. Now I am hungry and still want to eat. I saw someone with red licorice earlier today and wanted some. My daughter offered me some of her candy after supper. I told her I would love some, but I can’t eat it right now.

I walked to work. I had a decent lunch and one helping at supper. I even limited myself to one slice of bread with my soup tonight. But I’m also really tired. I’m not sure if it`s because of needing sleep or because I`m used to more calories. Either way, I`m heading to bed right away.

Forgiveness Vespers

2008-03-09T21:14:00.001-06:00

This evening was Forgiveness Vespers. Part of the service is where we go to every member do a prostration (get on our knees and bow our head to the floor, then get up again) and say, “I have sinned against God and against you. Would you please forgive me?” The response is “God forgives you and I forgive you.” Then we give the kiss of peace and sometimes also a hug. We do this before Lent to prepare for the upcoming time of penance to make sure there isn’t anything between us and others in the parish that would hinder our relationship with God. Not that we don’t go up to people individually when we realize we need to ask for forgiveness, but it is very cleansing and a new beginning.

Day 4 So, even though I didn’t do any walking today, my legs are quite sore from all the prostrations. I don’t know for sure how many people there were, but I’d guess at least 30 or 40. I ate one of the last pieces of cheesecake, but I managed to skip past the ice cream for dessert after lunch at church. Now, I LOVE ice cream. I always say that it doesn’t matter how full you are, ice cream just melts and fills in the cracks. Now I won’t get any until after Pascha (April 27).

Once again we’ve come to the evening and I am hungry. I think my eating schedule is just all messed up because I don’t really eat much during the day. But I must have eaten more in the evenings because since I’ve started not eating after 7 pm, I’ve noticed the last couple days that I’m hungry by the time I go to bed. Well, being a little hungry is good for me.

For Lent I hope to do some more reading and spend less time on the computer. I didn’t say goodbye at the Neopet guild this time. I feel like I say goodbye and then keep showing up. I’m pretty sure they think I’ll never actually leave. *lol* But that’s sort of typical. I would often say good night on the message board and still be posting comments an hour later. Goodbye just means see you later, really.

Day 3

2008-03-08T22:35:00.005-06:00

• Bruce bought a new computer with his birthday money. He has been spending all day working on getting everything up and running.

• I had some work to do today, so I decided to walk since I’m supposed to get an hour in anyway. I got my work done then had Bruce pick me up.

• I haven’t eaten after 7 tonight, but I’m really hungry at the moment. I think the reason why is because I didn’t get out of bed until really late this morning, so by the time I had breakfast it was almost lunch time, and I didn’t have much at supper time (a banana and glass of milk). I did have another slice of cheesecake earlier, though.

• My back has still been so sore. When I put my head down, I can feel all the muscles pull from my neck to my waist. It’s making me feel tired all the time and like I can’t think clearly.

• I feel as though I’ve wasted my day because I haven’t done anything really productive around the house. Then again, I’ve noticed that lately it seems as though I’ve been feeling more down about a lot of things. I’m not sure that I’d say depressed, but certainly not as chipper as usual.

• We’ve found a new show that looks interesting. It is on Global and I’ve seen it twice now. But both times I’ve missed the beginning and don’t know what it’s called. I’ll have to do a search on Global’s website to find out what it is. (Apparently it’s called Painkiller Jane, and from what I can tell, it’s not going to continue running. And, as usual, it premiered almost a year ago, and I just found out about it. The joys of peasant-vision :D)

• This whole kidney transplant thing kind of feels like…. Oh, I don’t know…. Like… a time bomb that someone has set and no one has any idea when it’s going to go off. I’m hoping it will be 10 years or more, but I just don’t know. Sometimes I wish it would be nice to be a teenager again – not that I want to actually live through those years – but to not realize how mortal I really am. Sometimes ignorance is bliss.

Day 2

2008-03-07T23:54:00.001-06:00

Once again it is very late. Therefore a very quick update.

I walked to work but Bruce gave me a ride home. I had youth tonight and so needed to get home in good time.

I did not have seconds, but did have a nicely sized (meaning not small but not huge) piece of the cheesecake I made. It was very yummy, but I had to make the crust with regular graham cracker crumbs, and it is much better with the chocolate ones. Recipe is as follows:

1. Combine 1 ¼ cups chocolate crumbs with ¼ cup melted butter. Press on bottom of 9 in. springform pan.
2. Beat 3 pkgs (250 g each) softened cream cheese and ¾ cup sugar until smooth, Add 3 eggs, one at a time, and mix until just blended. Stir in 6 squares semi-sweet chocolate (melted and cooled) and ¼ cup Amaretto liqueur. (Note: I used about 6 oz melted semisweet chocolate chips because hubby bought unsweetened chocolate instead of semisweet. It still turned out nice)
3. Bake at 350F for 45-50 min. or until centre is almost set. Cool completely, then refrigerate 3 hr or overnight. Add the finishing touch – drizzle melted chocolate and top with toasted almonds.

My cake always cracks, but after I drizzle chocolate and add the almonds (and sometimes I drizzle more chocolate on top of the almonds) you can’t really tell until you are cutting into it.

Then I went to Youth. I was surprised to find out that our regular youth didn’t come, but we had one who has been coming bring a friend and one new person show up. I taught the lesson (which I hope went well) and then we tried to do Bigger and Better. I say tried because we didn’t get a very positive response from most of the people we asked. There were underdressed girls who were getting cold, so we decided to quit and went to Tim Hortons to grab something to warm up. (btw – two of the cold girls ordered Iced Caps. Go figure) But before we got there I decided to stop at home because I knew we had something to give that would be bigger and better. So each of the girls (there were 3 of them) went home with something nice.

And I’m proud to say, all I had at Timmy’s was hot water. *pat on the back*

Okay, now it’s off to bed for me.

A New Start

2008-03-06T23:33:00.003-06:00

Earlier today I was thinking I should track my progress with this whole losing weight thing. So, I’ll weigh myself periodically and see how I’m doing. My starting weight: 202 lbs.

Day 1 – I started walking to work, but it was freezing out, so caught the bus to go part way (about 20 minutes of my walk). Walking to work usually takes about 50 minutes, so I figure that is the best way to get my hour of walking a day in. Because I didn’t walk all the way to work, I walked home. Eating: I haven’t eaten anything since 7 p.m. I didn’t have seconds at supper, either, but did have popcorn until 7 :P. Also, I think I cheated a little about the no desserts thing. Oh, I didn’t have any dessert, but I did add hot chocolate to my coffee at work. Two or three times. Oh, and I made a chocolate cheesecake for Bruce's birthday tomorrow. I will be eating dessert for his birthday.

I joined Facebook the other day and have found a ton of people that I haven’t been in touch with since, well, since elementary school. Some are from high school and some are from college. Makes me wish I’d joined Facebook a while ago. Of course, now I feel like I’m trading one computer addiction for another. Facebook is replacing Neopets. Well, Lent is just around the corner, so that will limit my computer time. Hopefully.

No Desserts?!?!

2008-03-05T21:41:00.002-06:00

I began a post about how my day was as it was an interesting day. The only problem is, I’m so tired I can’t seem to get the words out. So I’m going to be brief.

• I had a massage appointment this morning. My back was in bad shape and it is really sore right now still. But we got a pair of skates for Brendan.

• I had an appointment with the surgeon regarding the transplant. (1) The news: there isn’t room for a kidney to be transplanted to me without removing one of mine first. I anticipated this may be the case. (2) I need to lose weight. And the doctor was clear on how I am to do it. No dessert. No eating after 7 pm. No taking second helpings. Walk for 1 hour a day 6 days a week.

Well, I didn’t start the diet change today. I had popcorn after supper tonight. But it’s not the late night eating that’s going to be a big issue. And I’ll make sure I walk to work, so I’ll do the walking. But I want my dessert! I’m a sugar addict. How can anyone in the world live without chocolate? I’ve always said that I’m glad I’m not a diabetic. I can handle having to reduce the salt intake in my diet. But I don’t know how I’m going to do with no desserts. And especially since I love to bake.

Meatfare Sunday

2008-03-02T19:49:00.001-06:00

Today was Meatfare Sunday. That means today is the last day we are to eat meat before Pascha. We had a potluck lunch with a lot of good food.

I’m not sure how well Great Lent will go for us this year. I’ve decided that in addition to fasting from the foods we are supposed to fast from (meat, dairy, eggs, oil and wine) I will fast from Neopets. That means I’m also going to fast from the guild site that I frequent. In the past when I have fasted from Neopets, I have still visited the guild website and participated with the activities there and talked with the people in the guild. This year I am going to stay away entirely and see how long it is before I go crazy! *lol* Just kidding. Although even though I’ve said I was going to quit Neopets, I haven’t managed to entirely break the addiction. I was away for a short while, and then started peeking in occasionally, and now I think I log in every day again. I haven’t done dailies every day or tried to make neopoints (except for occasionally peeking in on my stock market stocks), but I had been playing some of the guild games and ran a round of What is IT? That’s a game where I think of an “IT” and everyone else has to guess what IT is by asking questions that I can answer ‘yes’ or ‘no.’ The only problem is that visiting Neopets and the guild has begun to take up time again that I should be using for other things. So I need to kick the habit. Again.

It makes me feel a little bad because I feel as though I have some sort of relationship with some of the people in the guild. I don’t talk with these people outside of the guild, and yet they are all important to me in one way or another. But it’s like anything in life -- if you don’t continue to run in the same circles as the people you have begun relationship with, eventually time passes and you realize that you haven’t seen nor talked with people for quite a while. Then can you really still call them “friend?” That has happened to many people from our previous church. I care about them still, but don’t make the effort to contact them.

Although I have heard people suggest that can we really call people we know just on the computer “friend?” I’d like to think so. But what I know of someone through a computer screen may or may not be what I would know them like if we knew each other face-to-face. And I can assume that people know who I am and what I am like through the computer, but do they really? Everything I say is merely words on a screen. You don’t see my facial expression or read my body language. I can put my best foot forward so you see only what I want to write.

What is most disheartening is it sometimes appears that some people I have met online don’t really have the physical support of friends around. Bruce & I have many friends and a community of support. I can’t imagine a world where I would feel totally isolated and alone. Does that really happen?

On the Ark I was listening to someone talk about different family types. There were 3 different family types. I don’t remember what they were called. All I remember is that our society in North America is like the third type in which family groups are often long distances apart and not very close. We stress independence and are, therefore, more isolated. The person who was the expert also mentioned that in his studies he found that throughout history this type of family dominated in highly advanced civilizations just prior to their demise.

Every once in a while, lately, one or both of my kids will say that they are going to live close to us when they grow up so that they can visit us all the time. And while I am looking forward to seeing them gain their independence (although not for a while yet), I must admit that I hope they find their careers and spouses close to us. Either that or I hope they both find a similar place and then I’ll move to be closer to them. A little pathetic? Maybe. But I hope to be available no matter how old they are. Available, but not pushy. God give me the wisdom I’m going to need as my kids gain independence.

Well, originally I was going to talk about how for Lent this year I’m hoping we (Bruce & I) will be able to do mostly just juicing and vegetables. We keep diary in the kids’ diet and will need to ensure they get healthy amounts of protein. *looks up* I guess I went off on a bunny trail and will discuss our Lenten plans another post.

Birthday Party

2008-03-01T23:51:00.002-06:00

Even though Brendan’s birthday is in December, we finally had his birthday party today. He invited 3 friends to come over. They skated on our rink in the back for a little while before having a hot dog lunch. The ice on the rink is in rough shape as the weather has been really warm here so there are holes in the ice and dirt is poking through in some spots. I think the boys still enjoyed themselves.

After lunch we gave the boys a brown paper lunch bag, marker and stickers to decorate their goodie bags. This is an idea we read about a few years ago and have been pleased to use it for our kids’ birthday parties ever since. The kids love to get a bag that they have shown their creativity on.

And then there are 2 staple birthday games that are requested every year. Pop the Balloon and Unwrap the Present. For Pop the Balloon Bruce and I come up with things the kids can do, like 10 jumping jacks, singing a song, who’s your favourite superhero, etc. - things that are age and gender appropriate. We put the slips of paper with the instructions into the balloons and the kids go down the hall where all the balloons are, pick a balloon, bring it back to the living room, pop it, read the instructions (or have an adult read it for them) and then do what the instructions say. We usually have a few balloons per kid including 2 balloons that say to go pick another balloon and 2 saying pick a prize. This is the first time where Brendan picked both balloons with the prize.

Then we played unwrap the present. I spent about 3 hours last night wrapping a DVD many, many times. We put one of Brendan's favrourite CD's on (No More Mr. Nice Guy by Pat Boone) and while the music is playing the boys passed the present. I had to tell them it was like a hot potato because they kept holding onto the present. The reason why they were holding onto it is because when the music stops whoever is holding the present gets to unwrap it until the music starts up again. When the kids were younger, we used to play where when the music stopped whoever was holding the present could unwrap one layer, but since the boys are older, we changed the rules. After the first few layers I heard, “Oh! I think we’re at the present!” and then “Oh no! Another layer!” I even used bubble wrap for one layer. *lol* Two of the boys are twins, so they were holding the present together when the music was off and they both unwrapped the DVD. I think they were happy that they both won.

So since the twins were going home with a prize, we asked Brendan if he would mind giving one of his “Pick a Prize” prizes to his other friend; which he did very willingly.

After we had birthday cake, we set up the four computers that we arranged to have networked together in our house so the boys could play Combat. It was hilarious listening to them try to blow each other up. We tried to tape a little of it, but I don’t think watching the recording will do justice to see how much fun they were really having.

Then it was time for the boys to go home, we gave them their goodie bags, and all was peaceful again. I’m not sure, but I think this may be the first year that we actually remembered to send all the goodie bags home with the kids. In the past we have forgotten and then had to track the kids down later to give them their bags.

All in all it was a good party. Brendan said it was one he would never forget. I figure that means we’re good until Christmas. And I’m so thankful to everyone who helped us make it possible. We had people lend us skates and a computer. Bruce did some consulting on the phone to get the network working so the computers would talk to one other. And Shaeleigh was able to go out with her Godmother and have fun without being overrun by her brother’s friends. I am also glad there was still some ice left in the backyard. Now the snow can melt all it wants.

Reflections

2008-02-26T22:33:00.001-06:00

I have started walking to work in the mornings again. Last year I walked quite often, but this year, for one reason or another, I haven’t walked much. It’s nice to have the extra time to do some thinking.

This morning I was thinking that considering where I was a year ago, I’ve come a long way. I have bought into this whole Orthodoxy thing hook, line and sinker. Even in January last year if someone told me I would be where I am today, I’m not so sure I would have believed them. Oh, I knew that we were going to be going to an Orthodox church. But I don’t think I would have believed that I would ever really “fit.” Now I’m involved with the youth and am responsible for taking minutes at church meetings. There are other ways I’m involved, too. I’m not one to be a part of a church without doing something. And it really feels like our community. It helps that we have a “lunch” after church every Sunday, which is a great time of fellowship. It’s so great, in fact, that it ranks among the most favourite things my kids like to do. They call it the “basement time.” If we have basement time at church, they are willing to come to anything. *lol*

And part of the reason I thought of this is because I was thinking about my paternal grandmother. She told me about how when she lived in a Communist country she had to stand up for the fact that she believed in Jesus. She wore a picture of him around her neck. When she was at work one time her boss told her she had to take it off. She looked at me (as I imagine she looked at him) and said very forcefully in her wonderful Hungarian accent, “You can put whatever communist symbol you want beside my Jesus, but I will not take my Jesus off!” I’d like to think that some of my stubbornness comes from her. Although I think some of it comes from my mom, too.

I didn’t get to grow up with that Grandma. I wish I had. I only got to know her when I was older, but she was an amazing lady. The only thing is, I wonder sometimes if she had really known me while I was growing up if she would have liked me half as much. I wasn’t a very kind teenager. I was selfish and irresponsible (even though many adults said I was very responsible for my age).

So you may be wondering what the connection between my buying into Orthodoxy and my Grandma is. While I was Protestant, I never would have thought to talk to her. Today on my way to work I asked her to pray for me. And I thanked her for being so willing to welcome me back to the family when I felt like I had no right to be there. I have so little of her – a few memories and her art that she gave as presents for our wedding. And when I was Protestant I would sometimes question her faith. Orthodoxy has enabled me to see beyond the human boundaries we put on faith. Not that I think all paths lead to God – but who am I to judge whether or not God will show His mercy and grace on another person? Maybe I would have come to that realization if we had stayed where we were. But there is so much in the Orthodox Church that has challenged my way of thinking. I find I’m often reevaluating my point of view.

I miss my loved ones who are gone now. I miss my grandparents, my mom, my birth father. Sometimes I feel like an orphan even though I still have my Dad. I’ve never been really close to my Dad. I wish that would change. I love him very much but just don’t know how to bridge the gap. Sometimes I feel so isolated from family. I’m glad for Bruce’s parents. I also have an aunt and uncle from my birthfather's family who have treated me as much a part of the family as though I'd never not been a part of it. They are all such a wonderful blessing. I just wish we lived closer.

Well, I’m not sure that I quite expected all of this to come out when I sat down to write. But I guess this is what is in me at the moment. And I wonder where I will be at this time next year.

Random Thoughts

2008-02-24T23:21:00.002-06:00

I have been tired the last while. I’ve described to a friend that my head feels like my brain is too big for my head, and my eyes are sore. It may be that I’m coming down with a cold, or it could be because my back is so sore, it hurts. Or maybe I’m retaining water. I’ve been really thirsty today, but I think part of that is because I don’t think I drank enough yesterday.

Our youth meeting didn’t have a large turnout. I think my lesson went over okay anyway. We’re planning to do a Bigger and Better night for the next time. Hopefully we’ll get a larger turnout.

We have 3 computers in our house. I know, that sounds excessive. But really, one is about 6 years old (which I bought for Bruce), one was given to us by a family member (their old one which was in better shape than ours), and a laptop (also given to us because its owner did not need it). I mention our computers because the one I bought for Bruce (we call it the ‘corner’ computer) has been acting up for a while where it randomly shuts down when it wants to and we keep wondering how long it will last. And just recently we’ve started getting a warning on the main computer (the one given to us – not the laptop) that the hard drive is about to go. So that means our “main” computer may end up being a laptop. Or we’re thinking that when the hard drive in the main computer goes, we’ll replace it with another one (which will most likely be given to us or be cannibalized out of the corner computer). Oh the joys of technology.

This week is Teacher Appreciation week. Give a teacher a smile and word of encouragement. They work hard with the next generation of leaders.

Our kids have been on a break the last week. I think Bruce is really looking forward to school starting again tomorrow!

I think that’s it for now. My head hurts, and I’m going to bed.

Youth & Our Environment

2008-02-22T16:55:00.000-06:00

Since after Christmas I have been teaching Youth Catechism at church. I’ve been talking about creation and how, as Christians, we are responsible for taking care of the world. When I was in Bible College I had a teacher, Tom Smith, who changed the way I thought about the world around me. He taught a class called Christians and the Environment, and he talked about the fact that we, as Protestants, had the view that “it’s all going to burn anyway,” but that we shouldn’t think that way. God demands justice for those who are weaker than ourselves, including the widowed, orphaned and alien.

So when I was given an opportunity to help teach the youth and I looked at the materials available, I was excited to see that there is the aspect of the relationship between creation and us. So far we’ve learned that God loves creation, we are kings and queens of creation, and we are priests of creation. Tonight I’m teaching about threats to creation. I’m struggling with the idea that everything I know I’m afraid the teens will already know. They are an age that is being bombarded with the fact that the generations before them have abused the world and it is their responsibility to clean up the mess and start taking better care of it.

Keep in mind, I have been nervous before every class so far. While I’m so excited to be teaching the youth, I’m afraid that I’m not qualified enough, or that I haven’t prepared enough, or I don’t know enough. I’ve been told that so far they are really enjoying coming. I hope they are learning something, too. I have.

Everywhere I look now, I see how the media is striving to educate the public on the use of energy and how we can be more “green friendly.” Sometimes I wonder why Christians haven’t been the ones behind this revolution of thought seeing as we had been given the mandate to take care of creation in the first place. Or, maybe, there are Christians behind the revolution, but it’s just that I haven’t seen them.

Value Village

2008-02-19T22:57:00.000-06:00

On Family Day we went looking for skates for Brendan. We found some at Value Village and he went skating on the rink. When he came in from skating, I noticed that there was a big hole in the toe of his skates. I’m fairly sure I didn’t buy them with a hole, but I didn’t check closely for any cracks in the skates. They are in the garbage now. Since the kids are off school this week, Bruce went to another place and bought Brendan some skates - $30 later….. Ouch. I didn’t realize even used skates are that expensive. And it especially seems like a lot for a little backyard rink in February. Can I keep his feet from growing this year?

At Value Village the kids also wanted to buy some books. We let them saying they had to pay us back and so they each picked out 5 books (at $1 a book) and used their Valentine’s money from Grannie and Grampa. I think Brendan has already read all of his books. He gobbles them up like candy – and that’s saying a lot seeing as he is a sugar addict. When Brendan was born, Bruce bought a book called “Raising a Reader” because he wanted to make sure we had kids who loved to read. I’m not sure we ever read the book, but our kids have developed a love for reading anyway. Aside from the fact that Brendan knew all his letters by age 2 and could sound them out by age 4, we have always read to our kids and we read ourselves. I think having books around all the time is bound to rub off on the kids in the house. Shaeleigh is starting to sound out letters and can read some simple words, but she still “reads” her books and loves to show us how she can read. Her reading is stories she has memorized and tells us the story from the pictures, but I love to hear her reading, too.

And I’m sad because while we were at Value Village, I lost my mitts. They weren’t in good shape, but they were warm. I can’t believe anyone would take them as they had been darned once or twice, and even then my thumbs were poking through the outer layer and the palm of the mitts was all ripped. The liner was nice and warm, though. Bruce bought me another pair at a sidewalk sale, but they are not as warm as my ones I lost. *pout* Phooey.

Ice Rink #3

2008-02-17T22:03:00.004-06:00

Today the rink was tested with skates for the first time, and it passed the kid test. Shaeleigh put on skates and hit the ice. Granted, it was very bumpy, lumpy, hilly ice - but still ice, nonetheless. She is very proud of the fact that she was out there for two hours. We did an hour of many bum bumps, to the point where she started crying. I was a little late, but eventually I figured out to get the knee pads to help her out. (Bruce said we needed to figure out how to tie a pillow to her bum.) I tried to use the wrist guards, too, but somehow they got wet. They are being dried out and will be used tomorrow. After the first hour outside, we came in and took a hot chocolate break before heading out to the ice for the second half. She still took quite a few falls, one on her nose which almost ended her ice time. But after we stopped the crying and the bleeding, we asked her if she wanted to go inside and the answer was "NO!" The only way we got her back in was because we had to leave to go to the church this evening, and I wanted to flood the ice to try to even out some of the rough spots.
You'll notice that she's actually heading uphill. The ice rink still has a hill, and going up is harder than going down. Except Shaeleigh fell more coming down than going up.

Brendan wasn't out there today because he was playing with a friend. That was a blessing because we don't have skates that fit him. That's what we'll do tomorrow for Family Day. If we happen to find skates for Bruce and I, we may even brave the ice ourselves. Seeing as neither of us has skated since we were kids, and my last skating experience ended in tears (I was 5), it should be interesting.

So, the stubbornness paid off.

Book Meme

2008-02-15T22:50:00.004-06:00

I got this from Naomi's blog - which I try to follow faithfully and succeed about as faithfully as I update my own ;D

The directions are:
1. Pick up the nearest book.
2. Open it at page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence/ phrase.
4. Blog the next four sentences/ phrases together with these instructions.
5. Don’t you dare dig your shelves for that very special or intellectual book.
6. Pass it forward to six friends

God was kind and loving to Hannah. She had three more boys and two girls.
February 22
Eli's Bad Sons
1 Samuel 2
Now Eli's sons were bad priests. The didn't obey God. People would bring gifts to the worship tent.
*edit - The above was taken from Day by Day Kid's Bible by Karyn Henley

I was hoping that would be more interesting, but Brendan's bible was the closest thing. It was on top of this one:

The serpent - even in paradise we who have free will cannot escape temptation and things that might lead us away from God. The serpent represents a difficult truth about free will. In order for there to be true free will, there has to be true choices, which means there had to be some choices which are "wrong" or "bad" or "evil." If this was not true and humans could only choose the good, they wouldn't really be free, but rather would be pre-programmed and predestined beings.
*edit: The above was taken from Questioning God: A Look at Genesis 1-3 by Ted Bobosh

Neither of those are mine, but they'll have to do seeing as what I am reading is The Official Magazine Stargate SG-1 / Atlantis the Jan/Feb 2008 issue with Paul McGillion. It was part of my Valentine's present.

And speaking of Valentine's presents, my hubby gave me a present that made me cry. The side of the ring looks like hearts. We saw the ring in a flyer and joked about how it was "totally me" but I never dreamed I'd actually get it. I love it! I really do have the best husband in the world.

Complaining

2008-02-12T16:49:00.000-06:00

A little while ago on the news I saw a report on a pastor at a church who thought the world would be a better place if we stopped complaining so much. You can wear a purple bracelet to remind yourself that every time you complain you need to switch it from one arm to the other. I don’t have a bracelet, but I have been thinking about complaining a lot - especially today. It seems like every time I turn around I’m complaining about something. I want to whine about everyone around me being sick and that I'm tired today because I was at a meeting that went late last night. Of course, part of the reason I’m tired is because I hadn’t been getting enough sleep the nights before last. We have a meeting again tonight but I’d really rather just go to bed. For that matter, I told someone recently that most of the time I feel like I just want to crawl under the covers and have the DVD player on where I stare blankly at my TV without having to think about anything.

But I don’t want to be complaining, right?

Hmmmm...... Someone is taking me out for lunch tomorrow! Yay!

It's winter in Saskatchewan !!! Ya Think ?

2008-02-09T23:44:00.000-06:00

It's winter in Sask.
And the gentle breezes blow
Seventy miles an hour
At forty-five below.

Oh, how I love Sask.
When the snow's up to your butt
You take a breath of winter
And your nose gets frozen shut.

Yes, the weather here is wonderful
So I guess I'll hang around
I could never leave Sask.
'Cause I'm frozen to the ground!!

A friend sent this poem to us by e-mail which I just read tonight. It's appropriate as right now the temperature is -33 with a windchill making it feel like -46!

Random Thoughts

2008-02-07T22:18:00.000-06:00

I didn’t remember to blog yesterday until after I’d shut off the computer. Now it’s late and I’d like to be working on the Dr. Sloth plot on Neopets, but I need to head to bed. Everyone around me is sick, and I’m starting to get a runny nose, sneezes, and a sore throat. I went for my ECG and chest x-ray today at the hospital at lunch time. I thought I’d stop at the CRI clinic to get my hepatitis B vaccine, too, but forgot that I need to be 100% healthy – NO SNIFFLES. I’m supposed to call and make an appointment when there is no risk of me being sick. *sniff*

I worked on my lesson for Youth Catechism tomorrow. I hope it goes well. And I hope the kids learn something and have fun. I certainly learned something. For the last two weeks I’ve been trying to figure out what the point of the lesson was. Today while I was waiting for my tests and was reviewing the lesson I had an “Ah ha!” moment where I got it. Once I was at that point, the rest was easy. Now I just hope nobody is going to be upset with me putting paper on the walls in the church basement for the teens to paint on. I also hope we don’t make such a mess that it’ll be impossible to clean. *yikes!*

I keep thinking that I’d like to make time to flood the “rink” again, but that hasn’t happened yet. Maybe Saturday after I go for my glucose test. Yummy. I can hardly wait to drink that orange stuff for the test. *note dripping sarcasm here*

Oh, and on a depressing note – someone at the CRI clinic paid me a compliment and asked if I’ve lost some weight. I stepped on the scale and found out I gained a kilogram. All I could think was, “That’s the wrong direction!” Those 50 pounds I’m supposed to shed are going to kill me.

Shrove Tuesday

2008-02-05T22:24:00.000-06:00

Today on the Western calendar was Shrove Tuesday (Pancake Tuesday). Therefore, there was a pancake breakfast at our kids’ school this morning. One of the reasons I love my job: I found out about the breakfast last night and called work this morning to say I’d be late because I was going to the breakfast, and everyone was okay with that. I love my job.

But I mention the breakfast because while I was there I was able to talk with one of the parents that I see around the school quite often, and I know that she has a daughter in the same class as my daughter. We’ve never had a chance to really talk before, but I think it was Providence that we were both there at that time. She and I chatted, and I found out that she lost a son a few years ago from a drowning accident. It’s amazing how perspective of a person changes when you find out about the tragedies they’ve faced in their lives. I can’t even imagine losing either of my kids. Okay, so I placed a son for adoption 14 years ago, but that was different. I know him now. He’s a wonderful teenager (I can say that because I don’t live with him 24/7 *lol*). No, really…… He’s a great kid. And he’s still so full of potential. My kids are full of potential. Brendan, at the moment, wants to be an engineer. He’s not sure what kind except he wants to be the one that makes the most money :D. And before that he wanted to make buildings or own a shop and be a Dad. Shaeleigh wants to save animals and people and be a Mom. She loves to paint and has a sense of order. To lose that before they grew up would feel like a future robbed.

And yet there are so many kids who are robbed of their futures. The teens in Nova Scotia who died in that van accident. Two baby girls who froze on the Reserve close to here. A teenager at the hospital died from cancer. We have no idea how long we get. And here I whine about my 36 years and am afraid of what is going to happen with my kidneys. Although, to be honest, if it weren’t for my kids, I think I’d be a whole lot more okay with it. I’m selfish and want to see their potential realized.

And here I’m going to add my two cents about helping other children realize their potential. I have been a Compassion sponsor for over 10 years, and have never regretted it. The little bit that I spend each month (less than cable tv – about the cost of my cellular phone), helps a girl realize her potential when she may never have had the opportunity to otherwise. If you are reading this and do not have a child that you are sponsoring, PLEASE visit Compassion’s web site and seriously consider sponsoring today. If you do sponsor a child, write a letter today letting that child know how special he/she is. You really can make a difference.

Real Life? - Update

2008-02-04T12:57:00.000-06:00

We were invited to a Superbowl party yesterday by good friends of ours. Those of you who really know us know that neither Bruce nor I are big sports fans – but we both love people, especially these people. So regardless of our enthusiasm (or lack thereof) for football, we willingly went. I had a fantastic time, and I think Bruce enjoyed himself, as well. I know our kids had a blast – they always love going to this particular place. And I had a really good visit with those who were there.

I love relationships. Maybe it’s the extrovert in me, but there’s nothing quite like getting together with a group of people to visit. I learnt a new way to play Scrabble – and my son got quite a kick out of playing with the Scrabble tiles to make all sorts of words. We have had Junior Scrabble for a while, but it doesn’t get pulled out and played with very often. I’m wondering, after seeing him yesterday play with the adult Scrabble tiles, if he would enjoy playing with the adult Scrabble better because each letter has a point value. Of course, it may end up being like most other board games. He appears to have an interest for a short time, but it’s really the computer games that draw his interest. What is it about the computer that completely sucks us in?

You may wonder how life is going since I said I was going to be quitting Neopets. Well....... That depends on if you think quitting is like not doing it at all anymore, or if quitting is like 'cutting back' and I still do some guild stuff once-in-a-while. It's been more like the cutting back. And sometimes it's really cut back (I didn't log into my account for a couple weeks at first) and sometimes it's not really cutting back at all (I was at the guild for a food fight all evening the other day). And now I've started doing some of the dailies again.

WHAT AM I DOING??????!!!!!?????

It started out that I just wanted to check on some guild members because they are going through a rough time. And it takes time to read everything and catch up on what's happening. And then I participate a little - but not a lot. And I've even had thoughts of running a round of What is IT? (a guild game that I was moderating). But I don't have TIME!!!! (that was for my benefit, btw). I have parish council minutes to finish editing and sending out. And I have kids to spend time with when I'm home. I have tests to go do at the hospital, and shopping that I never seem to make the time for.

I need a little shake and remind myself - what is eternal? What are you going to spend your time, energy and money on? Because wherever I invest these things, that's where my heart is.

Didn't I just say that I love relationships? Then why does the computer suck me in?

Ice Rink #2

2008-02-03T16:40:00.000-06:00

So there have been thoughts about whether or not to continue the rink. We are learning all the mistakes we’ve made so far.

1. We did not use a level part of the yard. When we dug up the garden in the fall I dug some leaves in, and one side of the garden is higher than the other. Also, we didn’t rototill it, so there were big chunks of dirt all over it. We have a lot of clay in our garden and I’ve been attempting to add more composting materials (like leaves and grass clippings) to make it better dirt.

2. We didn’t put a tarp or any sort of plastic barrier down before adding the water. I had read and been told that all I needed to do was pack down the snow and then soak it, freeze the icy snow and that would be an okay base to work with. Uh... Ya.

3. After we packed the snow, soaked it and started trying to flood it, I re-read the instructions. It said to use 10 cm of snow to pack down. Oops. We cleared the garden, read that we needed to soak the snow, put some snow back in the “rink” and then packed it down. I’m pretty sure we didn’t use 10 cm.

So there was the thought, “At what point do we give up on the rink and just let the kids slide around on their snow disc?” Bruce did some flooding last night after Vespers and again before the liturgy this morning. So I went out when we got home to see the results. Well, it’s not a total waste. I can at least see a difference now. There are still holes in the ice, so I put some snow in those, and now we have the sprinkler on it on a fine mist to see what happens. I don’t know, at this point, if being stubborn is a virtue or just plain stupid.

Ice Rink

2008-02-02T17:51:00.000-06:00

For the last couple weeks now I’ve had intentions to write something – and have even thought it would be good for me to keep my blog regularly updated … especially since I’m beginning the process of being tested to see if I’m a good candidate for kidney transplant. I have to make a point of going to the hospital to get an ECG and chest Xray. I have to get the hepatitis vaccine. But I did a 24 hour urine sample end of last year, so I’m glad I don’t have to do another one now.

But aside from the kidney issues, we’re attempting to build an ice skating rink in the backyard. Neither of us are carpenters, so the snow is the walls and my garden is the location. We started it about a week and a half ago and it’s still not to the point of skating. Part of the reason is because most of this week the temperatures have been crazy cold (-30s with wind chills to -50). I was home on Tuesday because we failed to plug the van in so it wouldn’t start. After a day of being plugged in, it was gracious enough to comply and allowed us transportation again. Personally, I would have said “No, Way! Do you know how cold it is out here?!?” Makes me glad my car can’t talk back.

Now to the rink. We’ve made the bottom layer with packed snow and added water so that it would be icy snow. But now when we are trying to flood it to make the water level higher, the water still seems to find all the holes in the ice and just disappears. It’s slippery, but there are not ice layers building up.
And our garden is very uneven since I put a whole bunch of leaves into it in the Fall, so it’s uneven and slippery and not flooding nicely. I’m beginning to think we should take a friend’s suggestion and just find an outdoor rink somewhere within driving distance (that would mean practically anywhere in the City), and drive the kids. Well, the rink sounded like a good idea at the beginning.

Insert Title Here

After the 5th

After the 4th Dialysis Treatment

Treatment #3

My 2nd Dialysis Appointment – Part II

My 2nd Dialysis Appointment - In 2 Parts

My First Dialysis Treatment

The First Day

Another Change. Another Beginning

Comment to Andrew

Taking a Break - Settlers of Catan

Fake It Until You Make It - Right?

Law School - Advice to a First Year Law Student

September in SK

Homemade Valentine's Day Cards

Daddy's Pictures

The Best Husband

Law School - Pre-Moot Jitters

Law School - Using (or Abusing) Time

Law School - My Son’s Perspective

Law School - Factum

Law School - January Blues

Law School - Christmas Exams

Law School - Think Like a Lawyer

Law School - The Beginning

Law School - Acceptance

Law School - Before The Beginning

Would the World Please Stop?

The Book of Three

Obsessed About Time

Homeschooling

Happy Thanksgiving!

Time Management

It's Not About Me

US Health Care

Weight (...Wait?)

Healing

Lent Begins

It's No Surprise, I'm Crazy

Misc Update

Just a Little Frustrated

Travelling

Parenting

Take a Benylin Day

Try Again

Forgiveness Sunday

Angels Watching Over Me

Paper

Adoption

Communication

The Power of Words

Success?

Grad '89

Addicted to Food

A New Hunt?

Entry from work

What Life Brings

My Favourite Recipes

Proud Mommy, Switching Hours and the May Long Weekend

PKD Kidneys Are Large

Soccer, a Sick Kid, Garage Sale-ing and Mother's Day

Pascha 2008

Holy Unction

Just Busy - Time Flies

Complaining..... Again! *yeesh*

A Birthday, Frustration, and a Wonderful Husband

My Fortune Cookie Reads....

Returning to Paradise?

Beginning Again

Superhero Test

Another Catch-Up Post

Catch Up for This Week

Happy St. Patrick's Day

Day 11

Days 9 & 10 - And the Akathist

Day 8

PKD & My Faith

Two for the Price of One

First Day of Lent

Forgiveness Vespers

Complaining..... Again! yeesh